Huge Issue

Ok so yesterday I receive my FH father's side of the guest list. It is a piece of paper that has 9 people (couples) on it. Some with addresses, some with phone numbers only, some that reference others on the list as a starting block for an address. Fine, I will get the addresses myself no problem. But then there is a not explaining that I should decide who we are inviting because Aunt X isn't talking to her son and wife of said son has a restraining order against Aunt X. Now Uncle X is FFIL only living sibling so how can we not invite them. On the same note FFIL has not spoken to Uncle X since son X got into a car accident 1 and 1.2 years ago making him a quadraplegic. Now I know this is getting confusing but Aunt X essentially told son X that he isn't worth spit and a quad and son's wife hit her. Rightfully so, if FH mom told him he was worthless and to kill himself I would hit her also.

Needless to say Aunt X is an alcoholic and overall bad person. There is also a daughter who is normal and lovely but who also doesnt speak to Aunt X.

So I was thinking that FH and I should write a note to all members involved with our save the dates. Something to the effect of: We love you all and would be honored to have you share in our special day. We do understand that everyone is not getting along right now. We want you to know that this day is a day of new begingings and celebration. We have invited everyone and would love you all to attend. However, if you feel that you will not be able to be joyous and celebrate with us in our love then we ask that you decline coming. Please call us if you have any questions.
Love FH and self

What do you all think, I am desperate here.

Wow...that's crazy. I think your idea sounds fine. Let them decide if they are going to be able to join in the celebration without causing a scene. Good luck with that.

aaaahhhh I would be pulling my hair out of my head!!

i would be seriously considering eloping.
that said...

i commend you for taking such a positive and pro-active step. you phrased it well, politely, and with a positive take on the matter.

i say, go for it. include the note. you're being pro-active about your wedding and your new life with fh. you're showing them that you will NOT be putting up with their bull!

I have no advice for you really...just a lot of compassion. I think nearly every family has someone who doesn't speak to someone...I don't speak to one of my cousins. Neither of us invited the other to our weddings...we haven't spoken in 6-7 years. I have even been in her house and spoken to her husband and not spoken to her...I've been to dinner at her mother's house with her there and not spoken to her....I've attended funerals and not spoken to her. She overstepped her boundaries one day and I had had enough of her BS. It's all rather funny really....her sister is a dear friend and was a BM in my wedding...

First of all, .

Second of all, there is no perfect solution to this, but I think your idea is the closest you can come. It's definitely idealistic, and a few family members sill may get upset by all this because it sounds as if they're the type of people who would take offense to any way you handled it, but you can't help that. It was kind of unfair to put you in this situation to begin with, where you have to do a lot of the legwork and pick and choose who to invite in the family melodrama, but you are definitely going for the most tactful way - in asking THEM to behave like adults! I commend you!!!

If they all come, you could sell tickets to see what happens! Could get interesting! (you might want to seat them near LOUD speakers - and as far away from you guys as possible!!!).

Thanks Libby,
Since his family is so small, they are not going to effect our day. His extended famil, all people included is only 2 bigger than my immediate (I have 6 sisters plus their spouses). John says, let's just not invite any of them. But that doesnt seem right.

Do you think I should change anything in the letter ladies?

I think your note idea is a great idea. I would think about leaving out the however line. THey should get the message from the rest of the note and letting them know they are all invited will let them decide what they are going to do - they may take the last line a little harsh.

Good Luck - sorry you have to deal with this

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Posted by reenielady

I think your note idea is a great idea. I would think about leaving out the however line. THey should get the message from the rest of the note and letting them know they are all invited will let them decide what they are going to do - they may take the last line a little harsh.

Good Luck - sorry you have to deal with this

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How about then something like:

We love you all and would be honored to have you share in our special day. We do understand that everyone is not getting along right now. We want you to know that this day is a day of new begingings and celebration. We have invited everyone and would love for you all to put any issues aside, at least for this special day, and celebrate with us in our love. Please call us if you have any questions.
Love FH and self

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Posted by reenielady

I think your note idea is a great idea. I would think about leaving out the however line. THey should get the message from the rest of the note and letting them know they are all invited will let them decide what they are going to do - they may take the last line a little harsh.

Good Luck - sorry you have to deal with this

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i agree. maybe something like this?

We love you all and would be honored to have you share in our special day. We want you to know that this day is a day of new begingings and celebration. We hope to invite everyone and would love it if you would all attend, but we do understand that not everyone is not currently getting along. We hope that this does not interfere with the celebration of family and friends we have planned for our wedding and that we can all celebrate together as a family.
Love FH and self

That sound very nice! I would send it....but you might get some negative respones about the letter...because if they are not grown up to play nice together....they may not be able to fully understand your kind note

Thanks Ladies. I sent your suggestions to a fairly annoyed FH and here is what he has decided on:

We love you all and would be honored to have you share in our special day. We do understand that everyone is not on the best of terms right now. We want you to know that this day is a day of new beginnings and celebration. We have invited everyone and would love you all to attend. However, if you feel that you will not be able to be joyous and celebrate with us in our marriage then we ask that you decline attending . Please call us if you have any questions.
Love,

Gabrielle and John

hmmm... yes a sticky situation, but I'm not so sure about the note part.

We had a pretty big wedding, and we have immediate family members (on my mother's side) that don't talk to eachother and it's really bad blood. We just invited everyone and made sure to sit them separately and very opposite ends of the ballroom. Since nobody was talking before the wedding, why would they start up at the wedding? Everything worked out fine.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. We have some similar issues with my extended family, and we decided to just not invite them. We're not as close as we all used to be, so I'm not going to miss them, and I just don't want to have to deal with it. And this isn't just for the wedding - we've stopped most family parties because it's just not worth dealing with the drama.

If you can't do that, a note or a phone call would be a nice idea.

sorry you're dealing with this. i think my only piece of advice would be that you make sure they all know everyone else is invited. that way their expectations are set and they can make a decision based on that. i think your note does the trick.

OMG Thats crazy!!!
But I have to agree with a lot of the ladies on here, your idea is a great one, and very pro active. Let them decide and the way you worded it also lets them know that if they all decide to come then there had better not be a scene, or they'll have to leave.

I feel for you...DH's family was like that. We wound up not inviting them to the wedding. It's really difficult since you even have an individual who has a restraining order out. If that's the case, can you not invite Aunt X? I understand what you are saying about his uncle being your IL's only living sibling, but if it's going to cause a problem, especially a legal one, you should not have to feel obligated. Especially since the only way you can get a restraining order is to prove that this individual is a threat to your security, privacy, or well being. That's something you would have to discuss w/ FH. Otherwise, your idea sounds fine. I'm sorry this is going on right now.