hump day ha-ha's
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Cookies a few minutes out of the oven are warm and delicious. Cookies directly out of the oven are still 375 degrees. #LFMF
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When you announce that you can only handle, at most, 9 inches, never all 12 inches, make sure the people around you know you are referring to a Subway sandwich. #LFMF
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If you sleep in the nude and you wake up hearing your boyfriend talking, never assume he's talking to the dog. The cable guy might enjoy the show when you walk out of your bedroom, but you still wont get any free channels. #LFMF
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“This is a family photo taken after I ran into a wall…. unfortunately the portrait appointment was already scheduled. The show must go on!” (submitted by Elizabeth)
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(336):
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
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(337):
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
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(808):
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
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Today, while giving a brief presentation at work, I blanked out on what I was going to say. I tried to make a joke and tell them I'd had a brain fart, but all I managed to say was 'I farted'. Well, at least they all laughed. FML
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Today, I couldn't get into my car. In an attempt to get in, I broke a window. As I climbed in, the actual owner of the car walked up. Mine was across the street. FML
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Today, my toddler stood up in the shopping cart and fell giving himself a black eye. Later while at a restaurant he tried to stand up in his highchair. I quickly blurted out 'Sit down! Do you want another one of those?' while pointing at his eye. Now the waiter wont stop glaring at me. FML
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Today, I was driving with my dog. Looking out the half-open window he stepped on the switch, the window went up, causing his head to get stuck. I looked down and he had scared the s hit out of himself, all over my shirt. FML
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Today, I got into my first car accident. I hit my own parked car while trying to drive my mother's car into the garage. FML
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Today, I got home from work to find an eviction notice taped to my door, stating that I was a nuisance and had 30 days to vacate the property. I live at home with my parents. FML
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Today, at the office, everyone in my department swapped secret santa presents. I bought the guy whose name I picked a DVD box-set of his favorite TV series. One of my friends got a fancy make up kit. Another got a pack of posh notebooks. I got a toilet plunger. FML
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um... the end.
