Hump Day Jokes =-)
Good Morning Chicas!
let's Laugh ok![]()
WEEK IS ALMOST OVER (Well the FIRST week of January!! time is FLYING already!)
A midget in Texas, went to the doctor because his testicles ached almost all of the time. The doctor told him to stand on the examining table and drop his pants.
The doc put one finger under the midget's left testicle and told him to turn his head and cough - the usual method to check for a hernia.
Hmmm..', mumbled the doc as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again, 'Hmmm, I see the problem,' said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side, then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to hop down off the table, pull his pants up, and then walk around and see if his testicles still ached. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.
The midget said, 'That's perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it! What did you do?'
The Doctor replied, 'I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots.'
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As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, 'Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load.' The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up, and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, 'Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some MORE of your load!' Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, and knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says 'Hi, my name is Heather, and you are STILL losing some of your load!'
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says.
'Hi, my name is Kevin; it's winter in Ohio, and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!'
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A pair of jumper cables go into a bar and orders a drink.
the bartender says ' Okay I will serve you, but dont start any thing '
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THE BLIND WAL-MART CLERK
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades.
She says, 'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?'
He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.
She doesn't believe him, but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel
and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00.'
She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. ! I'll take it!'
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,' he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who farted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around The man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34.50 please.'
The woman is totally confused b y this and asks, 'Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?'
He replies, 'Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel are $20.00, but the
Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.'
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One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the wild behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it
out. He called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a
time. When he returned, the angel told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not.'
God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.' So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time, too. When the angel returned, he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good.'
God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage them. Give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what that E-mail said?
No?
I didn't get one either.
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I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for my having worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse s**t. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.
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An 80 year old man from Florida just drove off the lot with his brand new sports car. He dropped the top and hit the interstate. After cruising for about 10 minutes, he found himself doing 95mph. As he started to slow down he noticed the flashing lights of a Florida State Trooper catching up to him in the rear view mirror. Thinking his fast sports car can outrun the state trooper, he speeds up. It doesn't take him long to realize that hes too old for this kind of behavior. So, he pulls over.
The cop walks up to the car and says, 'Sir, its been a very long day, and my shift is about to end. If you can give me one good excuse as to why you ran from me, I'll let you go.'
The old man looks him right in the eyes and says, 'Well officer, about 40 years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought he was trying to bring her back.'
The officer closes his ticket book and says, 'Sir, you have a nice day.'
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An elderly billionaire didn't want to leave his money to his family. He posted an ad in a local newspaper that he was making a contest, but no rules will be disclosed unless you show up at the door at exactly 12 noon on a Sunday. There were at least 2,000 people there. The old man announced 'let the contest now begin'. He opened his drapes, and displayed his huge swimming pool in his backyard. He then announced 'anybody that will swim across my swimming pool wil inherit my fortune'. A few people tore their shirts off, and were about to dive right in. He then announced 'not so fast. I have alligators, piranhas, and sharks in there'. Only a handful of people stayed. He then announced 'anybody that will swim across my swimming pool, and marry my daughter, which is in her 70's will inherit my fortune, and her fortune'. A few people started to whisper among themselves, and then to their surprise, one of them was in the pool with a tuxedo on! He started to swim as fast as he could, since his life depended upon it. When he finally got out of the pool, the old man said to him 'are you so desperate for money'? He was hyperventilating, but said no. He then asked him 'was it for my daughter's love, or money'. He said no. The old man got upset, and said to him 'everybody wants something from me. I didn't think anybody would be crazy enought to actually jump, but since you did it, just name your price'. The man said 'I don't want anything from you'. The old man got outraged, and said to him 'what then do you want from me'? He said to him 'just the name of the man that pushed me into the pool'!
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KIDS IN CHURCH
3-year-old, Reese:
'Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen.'
A little boy was overheard praying:
'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am.'
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.
Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, “Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife.'
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied, 'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys.'
I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord 's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end of the prayer: ‘…Lead us not into temptation,’ she prayed, ‘but deliver us some E-mail.’
One particular four-year-old prayed, ‘And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.’
A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on the way to church service, 'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'
One bright little girl replied, 'Because people are sleeping.'
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had enough. 'You're not supposed to talk out loud in church.'
'Why? Who's going to stop me?' Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said,
'See those two men standing by the door? They're Hushers.'
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5 and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over whom would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. 'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.''
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, 'Ryan, you be Jesus!'
A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. 'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked.
'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said, 'Did God throw him back down?'
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, 'Would you like to say the blessing?'
'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.
'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, 'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'
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ENJOY THEM!
let's Laugh ok
WEEK IS ALMOST OVER (Well the FIRST week of January!! time is FLYING already!)
A midget in Texas, went to the doctor because his testicles ached almost all of the time. The doctor told him to stand on the examining table and drop his pants.
The doc put one finger under the midget's left testicle and told him to turn his head and cough - the usual method to check for a hernia.
Hmmm..', mumbled the doc as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again, 'Hmmm, I see the problem,' said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side, then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to hop down off the table, pull his pants up, and then walk around and see if his testicles still ached. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.
The midget said, 'That's perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it! What did you do?'
The Doctor replied, 'I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots.'
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, 'Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load.' The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up, and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, 'Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some MORE of your load!' Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, and knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says 'Hi, my name is Heather, and you are STILL losing some of your load!'
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says.
'Hi, my name is Kevin; it's winter in Ohio, and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!'
A pair of jumper cables go into a bar and orders a drink.
the bartender says ' Okay I will serve you, but dont start any thing '
THE BLIND WAL-MART CLERK
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades.
She says, 'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?'
He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.
She doesn't believe him, but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel
and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00.'
She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. ! I'll take it!'
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,' he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who farted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around The man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34.50 please.'
The woman is totally confused b y this and asks, 'Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?'
He replies, 'Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel are $20.00, but the
Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.'
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the wild behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it
out. He called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a
time. When he returned, the angel told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not.'
God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.' So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time, too. When the angel returned, he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good.'
God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage them. Give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what that E-mail said?
No?
I didn't get one either.
I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for my having worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse s**t. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.
An 80 year old man from Florida just drove off the lot with his brand new sports car. He dropped the top and hit the interstate. After cruising for about 10 minutes, he found himself doing 95mph. As he started to slow down he noticed the flashing lights of a Florida State Trooper catching up to him in the rear view mirror. Thinking his fast sports car can outrun the state trooper, he speeds up. It doesn't take him long to realize that hes too old for this kind of behavior. So, he pulls over.
The cop walks up to the car and says, 'Sir, its been a very long day, and my shift is about to end. If you can give me one good excuse as to why you ran from me, I'll let you go.'
The old man looks him right in the eyes and says, 'Well officer, about 40 years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought he was trying to bring her back.'
The officer closes his ticket book and says, 'Sir, you have a nice day.'
An elderly billionaire didn't want to leave his money to his family. He posted an ad in a local newspaper that he was making a contest, but no rules will be disclosed unless you show up at the door at exactly 12 noon on a Sunday. There were at least 2,000 people there. The old man announced 'let the contest now begin'. He opened his drapes, and displayed his huge swimming pool in his backyard. He then announced 'anybody that will swim across my swimming pool wil inherit my fortune'. A few people tore their shirts off, and were about to dive right in. He then announced 'not so fast. I have alligators, piranhas, and sharks in there'. Only a handful of people stayed. He then announced 'anybody that will swim across my swimming pool, and marry my daughter, which is in her 70's will inherit my fortune, and her fortune'. A few people started to whisper among themselves, and then to their surprise, one of them was in the pool with a tuxedo on! He started to swim as fast as he could, since his life depended upon it. When he finally got out of the pool, the old man said to him 'are you so desperate for money'? He was hyperventilating, but said no. He then asked him 'was it for my daughter's love, or money'. He said no. The old man got upset, and said to him 'everybody wants something from me. I didn't think anybody would be crazy enought to actually jump, but since you did it, just name your price'. The man said 'I don't want anything from you'. The old man got outraged, and said to him 'what then do you want from me'? He said to him 'just the name of the man that pushed me into the pool'!
KIDS IN CHURCH
3-year-old, Reese:
'Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen.'
A little boy was overheard praying:
'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am.'
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.
Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, “Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife.'
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied, 'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys.'
I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord 's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end of the prayer: ‘…Lead us not into temptation,’ she prayed, ‘but deliver us some E-mail.’
One particular four-year-old prayed, ‘And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.’
A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on the way to church service, 'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'
One bright little girl replied, 'Because people are sleeping.'
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had enough. 'You're not supposed to talk out loud in church.'
'Why? Who's going to stop me?' Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said,
'See those two men standing by the door? They're Hushers.'
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5 and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over whom would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. 'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.''
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, 'Ryan, you be Jesus!'
A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. 'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked.
'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said, 'Did God throw him back down?'
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, 'Would you like to say the blessing?'
'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.
'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, 'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'
ENJOY THEM!
