I am 100% regretting the decision to have a big wedding...

Hi Rachel,

You're soooooo not alone. I understand exactly what you're going through and unfortunately there's nothing I can say except 'i'm sorry' and 'I hear ya.' We talked about a small wedding in the beginning but I have a HUGE extended family and our intimate 50 person affair turned into 200. . .

hang in there!

Deirdre

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Posted by hbradio

Sometimes I feel the same way you do but it is too late unless you want to lose all the money you already put out. Think about it this way, you regret the decision now but there must have been some reason that you and your FH decided to start planning it as a big wedding in the first place. Try and think back to those feelings and just think - theres not much time left and then you can concentrate on the rest of your life. THere is plenty of time for a house.

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I feel the same way. Just today I was telling my mom that I think we should have decided on a smaller wedding. But I've always wanted my 1 fairytale wonderful day. The house will come, I never thought we'd be able to have this huge wedding and we are finding a way to do it, so the house and everything else will come eventually!
Don't worry!! I think most of us feel the same way at times!!!!

I go back on forth with this almost daily - have a wedding and spend $15K - $30K or more for a party or use the money for a house (NJ since $30K is only 10% in NY).

I even went as far as to investigate Oheka Castle since FI loves the idea - and that is about $45K with 125 guests. We would be paying on our own (unless my dad has a stash of money he hasn't mentioned?).

I'm still not sure what we'll do. We have only been officially engaged for a few weeks and have not signed anything but just the idea of spending all that money for one 5 - 6 hour party is just beyond my comprehension. I want a 'proper wedding' as FI calls it but I just don't want to part with such a large sum of money.

A good friend had her wedding in PA in her back yard - 250 guests - and it was still $20K with rented china, glasses, tables, tent etc. We have 194 guest (mabye 245 with dates) and there is no way we are getting married in PA. We both want NY.

I think we all know what you are going through. If it will cost too much to cancel, go through with it. If you can scale it down or move the location (same date) maybe try that?

I went through the same thing and this was your response to me . . .


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Posted by BriBri529

I am so aggravated. Everyone once in a while my dad will be like 'Just think, if you weren't going to have this 'big' wedding, you could take the money we are spending and that you are spending and it would be a nice down payment on a house. I know because we are having a 'big' wedding that it is going to put us back in terms of being able to have a house right away, but I feel that a couples' wedding day is so special and I don't want to sacrifice that. I don't think we are going 'crazy', but it is so true that what we are spending on a wedding would be an awesome chunk toward a house . . . SO frustrating. It makes me so annoyed
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OMG, do we have the same dad? If I had a dollar for everytime my father told me this, I would already have two houses I stopped listening to him when my mother told me that her parents offered them the same deal...money for a big wedding or money for a down payment and they took.............THE BIG WEDDING! So I just ignore him now


I think deep down inside you probably DO want that big special day. It is very hard to start out living on LI as a young couple. I want the special day to look back on - I think seeing how my parents did not have much of a wedding at all, I want that experience with my FH- of wearing that white gown, and him in a tux, and surrounded by our families, celebrating our love. I am a very sentimental person, so that's me- really you have to do what will make you happy. If you are going to regret everything, then you are better off taking the smaller loss of cancelling then suffering the long term consequences.

Move back home with your parents....that will save you thousands of dollars!! My fiance and I moved back home..she lives with her mom and I live with my parents. It is an inconvenience but well worth it in the long run...I mean, we both could comfortably affford to live in an apartment and rent, but to us, renting is the worst way to spend and waste money! So we decided to suck it up for 11 months or so and save as much money as we can for the wedding and a house. So far so good......

Think about it........

i feel 50% about this topic like you were saying...we are crazy about this whole house thing but relistically, a down payment on a house (unless you are spending big bucks on your wedding) is not gonna make a difference. An avg wedding 25k, 25k does nothing in NY (escipally LI) for the downpayment. Will it make a differece, of course but not signifiact. My best advice is either A, finish out what you started or B start cutting some corners and save a little and building your house fund up.

good luck

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Posted by dandg

Move back home with your parents....that will save you thousands of dollars!! My fiance and I moved back home..she lives with her mom and I live with my parents. It is an inconvenience but well worth it in the long run...I mean, we both could comfortably affford to live in an apartment and rent, but to us, renting is the worst way to spend and waste money! So we decided to suck it up for 11 months or so and save as much money as we can for the wedding and a house. So far so good......

Think about it........

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Ok, ready for the sad part? We already live with my parents and don't pay rent We just are having a huge, expensive wedding, so there's really nothing leftover for a house

Girl, I know how you feel. We had the same feelings while planning and plenty of sleepness nights. We ended up with an affair for 130 and didn't regret it. We bought our house much later..4 1/2 years later, but now we know we can afford it. It wouldn't have made much of a difference if we didn't have the wedding.

You can get into a house with 5% down too and build the closing costs in the home price. There are ways of making the purchase work without not too much money down.

Good luck...hugs coming your way

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Posted by prncssrachel

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Posted by dandg

Move back home with your parents....that will save you thousands of dollars!! My fiance and I moved back home..she lives with her mom and I live with my parents. It is an inconvenience but well worth it in the long run...I mean, we both could comfortably affford to live in an apartment and rent, but to us, renting is the worst way to spend and waste money! So we decided to suck it up for 11 months or so and save as much money as we can for the wedding and a house. So far so good......

Think about it........

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Ok, ready for the sad part? We already live with my parents and don't pay rent We just are having a huge, expensive wedding, so there's really nothing leftover for a house

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I'm sorry you are feeling this way but I think it will pass. Knowing that you moved in with your parents means you and FI obviously thought long and hard about the house v. wedding before moving in with your parents. Maybe you need to sit down with FI and be reminded of all the good reasons why the two of you decided on the wedding instead of a house.

As for the wedding budget not being enough for a downpayment, that is not the case since some lenders will allow as little as 3% down with private mortgage insurance or buyers can take out first and second mortgages at the same time to avoid private mortgage insurance. It is called an 80-10-10 loan making the entire payment tax deductible - PMI is not tax deductible. You can also do an 80-15-5 (only need 5% cash down). I only know this from dating a mortgage broker for a while.

Look @ it this way - You're NOT 80 years old. You and FH have your WHOLE life ahead of you to settle into a beautiful house, have a family etc. - So, you're regretting your decision, you're going to make a million decisions you look back on and say 'We SHOULD have done this differently' but, You've already made the decision to have the big wedding, - consider the $$ already spent. - GONE ......and go from there. - ENJOY your wedding, ENJOY your honeymoon. - And when you come home, concentrate on saving for they house.........Just take a deep breath and do ONE thing at a time. - These are all major life changing (and unfortunately expensive) events, it's overwhelming and almost impossible to do everything at once w/o sacraficing something along the way !
You will figure out your finances and be FINE ! But try not to think about the wedding now as a 'waste' of money. - It's your Wedding Day ! Enjoy your gown and your reception and everything else you've spent a fortune on, b/c if you don't ENJOY it - THEN it will end up being a waste.

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Posted by Marisa M

Look @ it this way - You're NOT 80 years old. You and FH have your WHOLE life ahead of you to settle into a beautiful house, have a family etc. - So, you're regretting your decision, you're going to make a million decisions you look back on and say 'We SHOULD have done this differently' but, You've already made the decision to have the big wedding, - consider the $$ already spent. - GONE ......and go from there. - ENJOY your wedding, ENJOY your honeymoon. - And when you come home, concentrate on saving for they house.........Just take a deep breath and do ONE thing at a time. - These are all major life changing (and unfortunately expensive) events, it's overwhelming and almost impossible to do everything at once w/o sacraficing something along the way !
You will figure out your finances and be FINE ! But try not to think about the wedding now as a 'waste' of money. - It's your Wedding Day ! Enjoy your gown and your reception and everything else you've spent a fortune on, b/c if you don't ENJOY it - THEN it will end up being a waste.

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well said

i am so sorry for how you are feeling. check out craigslist . on this site you can find many vendors who are willing to work w/ you on price. many are trying to build a client list or porfolio. i found one who will photograph your wedding for free, check it out photo

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Posted by Marisa M

Look @ it this way - You're NOT 80 years old. You and FH have your WHOLE life ahead of you to settle into a beautiful house, have a family etc. - So, you're regretting your decision, you're going to make a million decisions you look back on and say 'We SHOULD have done this differently' but, You've already made the decision to have the big wedding, - consider the $$ already spent. - GONE ......and go from there. - ENJOY your wedding, ENJOY your honeymoon. - And when you come home, concentrate on saving for they house.........Just take a deep breath and do ONE thing at a time. - These are all major life changing (and unfortunately expensive) events, it's overwhelming and almost impossible to do everything at once w/o sacraficing something along the way !
You will figure out your finances and be FINE ! But try not to think about the wedding now as a 'waste' of money. - It's your Wedding Day ! Enjoy your gown and your reception and everything else you've spent a fortune on, b/c if you don't ENJOY it - THEN it will end up being a waste.

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When you're right, you're right. I just grew up having no money and saw my parents almost split up over it for years and I vowed to never put myself in that position, but I guess I'm NOT in that position, I just don't have money for BOTH right now. I know it won't be a WASTE, I mean, it IS our wedding. I know this. It's the accepting it part that is hard.

hang in there....i've felt the same way....
fiancee and i are paying for entire wedding....i've found alot of great deals on EBAY for the wedding....

all the best :)