I am mad at fh about a conversation we had last night//

Original post by esb980

Sep 19, 2005 12:24 PM

Went like this:

him: I'm going out w/ my friends (for the 5th time this week) wnat to come?

me: Sure!

Him: Actually, no girlfriends are going to be there.

Me: so why did you invite me?

Him: I thought you'd say no.

Uhm... W T F?

ChrissynRicky Posted: Sep 19, 2005 01:14 PM

Re: I am mad at fh about a conversation we had last night//

Posted by SexyEsq

Sounds like there are some serious issues giong on that you need to resolve before you get married. This isn't the first time you've vented, and if we are the ones you can talk to about it, rather than friends and family, that might be a signal that this isn't the right guy for you.

Also, I believe you mentioned in another post that your self esteem isn't where it should be. Are you settling????

I agree completely. If you're having issues with your FMIL or your FI, a wedding isn't going to make it go away. You have to deal with these issues beforehand, because they will only magnify through marriage.

You've even posted that sometimes you have such strong feelings of 'HATE' towards your FI. If it's b/c of the way you're being treated, it needs to stop. There is absolutely no excuse for being treated that way and you reciprocating with such a strong word such as 'HATE.'

There are plenty of things you can do to stop this. Effing with your emotions is a form of abuse. You can seek help with or without him.

CaMacho Posted: Sep 19, 2005 01:20 PM

Re: I am mad at fh about a conversation we had last night//

It sounds to me like his friends have a VERY big influence on him! If you have to even have to set rules on '3x/week w/ them, 2x w/ me.. etc' then something is wrong. I'd have a VERY BIG talk w/ him.

Blu-ize Posted: Sep 19, 2005 01:24 PM

Re: I am mad at fh about a conversation we had last night//

It sounds like he is not participating in the relationship. You are doing all the work.

This is not the end of the world. You guys can fix it if you are both working at it. You both need time away from each other but the majority of your free time should be spent growing closer. His attitude will only push you apart.

Next time he asks you to go out and doesn't really mean it. Ask him to stop the passive aggressive behavior. He thinks by asking you, it gives him permission to go out anytime he wants without consideration for your relationship.

Under no cirmcumstances can this continue or it will get worse. If he's not ready to get married then so be it, but get the facts before you do something you cannot easily undo.

LuvMyFH Posted: Sep 19, 2005 02:16 PM

Re: I am mad at fh about a conversation we had last night//

You are the only one who really knows your realationship and would know if he is being out of control or you.

When a realtionship changes to hanging out all the time to not seeing each other on the weekends (not saying this is you) usually one is not cool with it and gets upset it makes the whole realtionship stressed!

Did you try approcahing the subject if it was you. If you guys were the way you used to be and you flipped the switch, how would he feel then?

Tell him that he really hurts you when he does this, would you rather him not ask if he really doesn't want you there, then tell him that.

I never complain when my FH goes out I only get upset when he tells me I will be home at 9 and I call him at 11 to find out oh I am going to my friends, I don't get mad becuase he is going out but becuase he didn't call me before to let me know so I could plan my night to!

Maybe he needs to give you more notice before going out? Would that help solve the problems with him going out?

kellwolfe Posted: Sep 19, 2005 03:18 PM

Re: I am mad at fh about a conversation we had last night//

thats terrible .....you guys need to have a LONG talk

BJandDan Posted: Sep 19, 2005 03:32 PM

Re: I am mad at fh about a conversation we had last night//

Ok, so I don't know enough about you or fiance to say call off the wedding. I think that is a bit drastic. First you need to have a talk. If he cares, he'll listen and talk with you about it. A lot of men are clueless as to the need for TLC and alone time with their signigicant other. Mine thinks spending time in the same room is quality time.... he plays on his computer and I sit alone watching tv. LOL. Only you know him. Only you can figure out what is right. But as you said to me two days ago.... I know the feeling.... if you want to chat you can always FM me

lulugrrl Posted: Sep 19, 2005 04:16 PM

Re: I am mad at fh about a conversation we had last night//

Boys are just REALLY stupid sometimes

You have to give them a little leaway, I am sure I'll take some hits for that comment, but it is said half sarcastically, I just don't feel they have the same social prowess as women.

But def. talk about it, and tell him to be straight up with you, no silly games, with the hope you will turn down an invitation, and make sure you get one on one time scheduled each week, and he doesn't ditch for another guys night

Goldi1021 Posted: Sep 19, 2005 05:07 PM

Re: I am mad at fh about a conversation we had last night//

It seems to me as if the problems are more deep seeded than you are willing to admit. I agree with many of the other posters.

However, it also seems to me as if you are waiting home for him to do things and not allowing yourself to enjoy life. This can be very dangerous. I had a relationship like that once - one where the man became my entire world and I completely lost myself. When we split I had to rebuild myself and find out who I was - it took a long time.

Yeah I complain about the football thing with FH a lot. I lose him every weekend until January to his Saturday Bar League. But he enjoys it. It is what he loves - his passion. I am not interested AT ALL in it but I would NEVER stop him from going. In fact, his being away from the house gives me the down time and the space I crave and the opportunities to have my own life and fill it with things for me to talk to him about. If a couple is with each other 24/7, what are you going to bring to each other?

Give yourself things to do when he isnt there. If he knows you are home waiting for him, he may not be so quick to run home.

stephanief Posted: Sep 19, 2005 05:14 PM

Re: I am mad at fh about a conversation we had last night//

Posted by Goldi1021

It seems to me as if the problems are more deep seeded than you are willing to admit. I agree with many of the other posters.

However, it also seems to me as if you are waiting home for him to do things and not allowing yourself to enjoy life. This can be very dangerous. I had a relationship like that once - one where the man became my entire world and I completely lost myself. When we split I had to rebuild myself and find out who I was - it took a long time.

Yeah I complain about the football thing with FH a lot. I lose him every weekend until January to his Saturday Bar League. But he enjoys it. It is what he loves - his passion. I am not interested AT ALL in it but I would NEVER stop him from going. In fact, his being away from the house gives me the down time and the space I crave and the opportunities to have my own life and fill it with things for me to talk to him about. If a couple is with each other 24/7, what are you going to bring to each other?

Give yourself things to do when he isnt there. If he knows you are home waiting for him, he may not be so quick to run home.

I agree, when my FH goes to play golf, it is like a little break for me. I can watch lifetime TV

Goldi1021 Posted: Sep 19, 2005 05:17 PM

Re: I am mad at fh about a conversation we had last night//

Posted by stephanief
I agree, when my FH goes to play golf, it is like a little break for me. I can watch lifetime TV

I sit in silence with a fridge full of cheeses!!!

esb980 Posted: Sep 19, 2005 07:11 PM

Re: I am mad at fh about a conversation we had last night//

WOW! I didn't realize people really payed attention to my posts so much... Okay yeah, I know that there is something really wrong right now in my relatioship. But you have to realize, it was 5 years of (mostly) great times so I know it could be that way again I look at it as a 'rough patch'. As far as the pre-marital.... we are going to do that (we have to). I also do realize that if there's another 9 mos of this (thats how long we have) then I will not be able to marry him. I don't think it will stay like this (I hope not) but I don't know... as far as FMIL is concerned, that won't change, and she's a BIG reason why we fight. I post here to see if my feelings are wrong (you never know, I could be over reacting). And yeah, he really is my life... I know thats bad... I dunno... i don't know what to say.

SIBride06 Posted: Sep 19, 2005 07:22 PM

Re: I am mad at fh about a conversation we had last night//

Honey.. I can only imagine what your going through. Im very concerned for you sweetie, I really hope everything works out for you. You guys need to sit down and really talk everything over. Like other posters said, this is not the first time you vented. I hope you guys settle your difference before you get married. You dont deserveto be treated like that.

Goldi1021 Posted: Sep 19, 2005 07:57 PM

Re: I am mad at fh about a conversation we had last night//

Just know your feelings are never wrong. But as you get closer to your date and more money is laid out, it is very hard to turn away and say 'Nope I can't marry him.' There is a difference between a 'red flag' and a small case of 'the jitters'.

I had the jitters for a couple of weeks. FH did nothing wrong. In fact he did everything right. 95% of the time he does. He is human and makes mistakes, but never to the point where I feel hurt, betrayed or anything of that sort. The concept of 'forever' freaked me out since I had been on my own for so long. He stood by me and I grew to love him more.

But when you feel hurt and are so open with us about it on a consistent basis, we grow concerned as we would for a sister. I hope you find the help you need to have a healthy relationship. We just want you to be happy.

mclane Posted: Sep 19, 2005 08:09 PM

Re: I am mad at fh about a conversation we had last night//

I can understand where you're coming from, I think we all feel a little needy sometimes. . . .
I've read your posts, though and you just don't sound happy to me. . . you shouldn't build your life around someone who doesn't make you happy.
I hope everything works out for you.

BJandDan Posted: Sep 19, 2005 08:15 PM

Re: I am mad at fh about a conversation we had last night//

Eleanor, I took your advice. I layed off of everything. It only took a day. We had a great dinner. He called me up today just to find out how my day was going. You need the same thing. Everyone gets in a rut. This time, it's your turn. Don't fret too much. You have to do what is right by you. The other girls may be right, but they don't know fh..... we just hear the bad stuff sometimes and those times always out way the good stuff. I have a GF who admitted that if she listened to half the complaints I had about my FH she would probably think that he also beat me. She only heard the bad stuff!!!! Never that he brought my mom flowers one time when we had a fight cause he knew that I had told her everything. Never that he sits there playing with my hair while we watch tv. Or that he taped some silly kitchen cooking thing for me to watch on tv. You'll figure it out....till then.... anther

tracie143 Posted: Sep 19, 2005 08:37 PM

Re: I am mad at fh about a conversation we had last night//

if it is a lot like five times then I would for sure talk to him about it. I do understand that it is healthy to go out at least once a week with your friends but five times is a lot have a heart to heart with him

Jennie0898 Posted: Sep 19, 2005 09:04 PM

Re: I am mad at fh about a conversation we had last night//

Posted by esb980

WOW! I didn't realize people really payed attention to my posts so much... Okay yeah, I know that there is something really wrong right now in my relatioship. But you have to realize, it was 5 years of (mostly) great times so I know it could be that way again I look at it as a 'rough patch'.

You say the first 5 years were 'mostly' great. It sounds to me from your original post that's the time your FI refers to it as being all about you and now it's his time to catch up. That doesn't seem great. That seems to me like he 'toughed it out' and now feels like he's owed something for it. A relationship is give and take. Balance. From what you say here your relationship doesn't have that. I really think you two need to seek help to see if this is what you BOTH really want.