Hi Noreen,
I''m sorry I didn''t see this until today.
I''m going to be completely and totally honest, okay?
If you continue to try to please your mom, your brother and your husband, while putting yourself last, you are going to get sick. And your relationship with your husband is going to get 'sick' too. This is the voice of experiencing talking.
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I know you love your mother, and you feel sorry for all she has been through in the recent months. But you are NOT responsible for her happiness or her life, no matter how much she has convinced you that you are.
She is being selfish in not letting you go, and in not wanting you to have a life that moves you forward and away from her. So she is using guilt to make you feel obligated to take care of her. She''s probably not even aware that she''s doing this.
As long as you are there to play the rescuer to your mom, she will have a convenient person to blame for her unhappiness. No one ever wants to point the finger at themselves and see how they are creating their own misery, and if you move forward with your life, you mom will be left facing herself, maybe for the first time ever. She''ll have to step up to the plate and claim responsibility for her OWN happiness and life.
By assuming responsibility for your mother, you are denying YOURSELF the freedom, happiness, and marriage you deserve. You will grow resentful and angry, if you aren''t already. No matter how great your marriage is, your mother will always manage to come first, or make you feel guilty for not putting her needs before your own. It will be TOXIC to your new life, your marriage and your health.
You are a good person. You are always there when your family needs you. You put yourself last to please others, and it''s a very hard habit to break. But honestly, Noreen, you really have to break it, or this is only going to worsen.
I don''t blame you for wanting to run away. I''m sure you feel so trapped between a rock and a hard place, because no matter what you do, someone is going to be upset with you.
So where does that leave you????
It''s time to start thinking of Noreen first. It''s time to put your OWN needs first. What will make YOU happy? What is best for your marriage?? Where is it written that daughters aren''t allowed to have their own lives? That we are put on the earth for everyone else''s benefit, but can''t dare to claim anything for ourselves?
Sometimes people can be very selfish. They want to be happy even if it''s at your expense. But they can only do it if we let them.
These are supposed to be some of the happiest months and years of your life, and instead you''re being pulled in a hundred different directions, trying to be everything to everyone except yourself.
It''s time for your mom to let go. But it''s also time for you to let go, too. Let go of the sense of obligation and responsibility for your family''s happiness. It sounds to me like they volunteered you into that position without your consent a long time ago.
Wanting to be happy, wanting a life of your own, and letting go of the responsibilities you NEVER should have had to begin with does NOT make you a bad, selfish or heartless person. It makes you strong, smart, and ultimately, free to live the life you are SO deserving of.
ETS: If that means you need to move to get some distance from your mom, and the freedom that you need, then that's what you will have to do.
Lots of hugs!!!
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You''ll get through this.
