I am so sad...

I am so sad...

Last weekend, FH decided to tell me that he's been bothered by something I've said to him on several occasions but the last one bothered him the most and he's really hurt.. (he's been holding it in for about a month now).

He now tells me that he doesn't know if he can go through with the wedding and that we should postpone. He doesn't want to go for counseling and we've talked about this for hours on end this week. When he told me that he wanted to postpone the wedding... I told him no way. Either you know you want to marry me or you don't. Do you ladies agree?

I just feel that we can work through this but time is of the essence since we are getting married relatively soon. We've been together for 4 years and have known each other forever.. Would you postpone? I don't know what to do???

Re: I am so sad...

Timing is poor, that's true... but I think the worst possible thing is to get married under an ultimatum... both people need to go into it willingly and happily. If he is really having doubts, the worst thing you could do is pressure him into going through with it when he's not feeling it... it will be a sad day for both of you. I would postpone, BUT at that point, I would make an ultimatum of counseling... postponing happens often, but it is a big deal, and something big should come out of it, like counseling! If it's important enough to him to postpone the wedding, then it should be equally important to seek counseling...

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What did you say to him? It must be pretty bad if he doesn't know if he can marry you. It is hard to give advice without knowing more. But I think You should definately postpone until you can work things out. You say either he does want to marry you or not. Well I think if you postpone and he will go to counseling that would be OK. But if you postpone and he does nothing about it to work it out then that means he does not want to marry you. You don't want to give him an ultimatum 'Either we get married or not' because he might say 'NO' when it may be something you can work out, or he may say 'Yes' and then...say...leave you at the alter. I think the best thing would be to postpone and try to work out your problem.

Re: I am so sad...

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Posted by julz33

What did you say to him? It must be pretty bad if he doesn't know if he can marry you. It is hard to give advice without knowing more. But I think You should definately postpone until you can work things out. You say either he does want to marry you or not. Well I think if you postpone and he will go to counseling that would be OK. But if you postpone and he does nothing about it to work it out then that means he does not want to marry you. You don't want to give him an ultimatum 'Either we get married or not' because he might say 'NO' when it may be something you can work out, or he may say 'Yes' and then...say...leave you at the alter. I think the best thing would be to postpone and try to work out your problem.

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It was basically an issue with money and how I wish he were contributing more to the wedding and then we've also been looking for houses which I am putting in the majority of the money for both. (There are a few other issues which I can't really mention). He says he still loves me and is still in love with me but doesn't know if he can 'get past' this so quickly.... I feel that we have enough time to work through this but for some reason he doesn't.

Re: I am so sad...

I don't think that he wants to postpone simply because of 'comments'. There must be something else to it...

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I think if he isn't willing to go to counseling that is a sign that he isn't willing to work things out... It's horrible, but it is better to find out about issues now rather than later.

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Re: I am so sad...

It sounds like it's more than just about the money and you pulling more weight. I've been in a similar position with FH starting a not-for-profit, he practically donates his time. I've also made a few comments about his financial stability but it wasnt meant to be a personal attack. Maybe your man really feels inferior or guilty that he can't provide more or he's using it as a way to get out. I'm no expert but would definitely recommend a counselor, priest, or close impartial party. I wish you luck...I hope this works out!

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Please don't give him an ultimatum. Nobody likes to feel like they are being forced to do something. My friend's sister was in a similar situation. She and her fiance were having some issues and she asked him if they could postpone the wedding so they could figure it out. He response was very similar to yours, either marry me now or not at all. Since she loved him she decided to go ahead with the wedding as planned thinking that they would be able to work things out as a married couple. Well, not even a year later they are getting a divorce. The issues were never resolved and actually became worse - to the point where she can't even look at him without feeling hurt. If the two of you still love eachother, which it sounds like you do, isn't is better to postpone the wedding and start the marriage off on a good note then to start a new life together with unresolved issues? This could only lead to a future of resentment and suppressed anger that may never be able to resolved. Don't you want to know that his heart is 100% into marrying you? That to me would be worth a few months postponement.

Good luck and I hope things work out for the two of you

Re: I am so sad...

has to realize that this is a marriage, and if you were already married, and you said something the wrong way would he want a divorce? NO you would work it out. You are both adults, and you need to just talk it over, and realize it is just one of the many obstacles that you as a couple are going to face and going to overcome. GOOD LUCK

Re: I am so sad...

Re: I am so sad...

Re: I am so sad...

I think that his hurt is deeper than the financial aspect. There must be something more to it than that. All I can say is I would not want to walk down the aisle to someone who truly didn't think we could work through anything.

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I cant say anything that everyone else didnt already say...if he wont go to counseling then there isnt much you can do..if he will..postponing is a smart choice! I knwo postpoining is a hard thing to do..but better to say those vows with teh brie and groom SURE, rather than to be divorced a year later. I hope that you are ok and that he will go to counseling with you!!!

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You need to talk to him. Don't give him an ultimatum. Thats the worse thing you could do. You must have said something that really hurt his feelings for him to feel this way. Maybe he's not ready to get married. Ask him that pointblank. Try to work this out. When you say hurtful things like that some guys dwell on it. Good luck!

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Re: I am so sad...

Correct me if I'm wrong but your wedding date is 2010 which seems a bit stange to me ,but maybe in the next 6 years he will feel diffrent . Something is a little