I am SO UPSET! How am I supposed to react to this?

I am SO UPSET! How am I supposed to react to this?

Yesterday I got a letter in the mail from my Grandmother....Her and my grandfather live in Vermont where they retired about 20 years ago(far away from all but 1 of their 9 children) I don't get to see them too often, but they are and always have been a very important part of my life.

Anyway.....my grandmother writes me a letter and within the first 2 sentances tells me that she is not coming to my wedding!

Her reasoning for this (which i can partially understand is that my grandfather is not doing too well (he has emphysema and has been having problems on and off for a while now). She says it would be too stressful for them both to come down, and basically went on to say that she does not think my mom or aunts or uncles understand. (Meanwhile, my mom and 2 aunts are all nurses). She is afraid that something will happen if they come.

Is it selfish of me to be upset and somewhat angered over this? I just feel like this whole year my mom and I have been under the impression that they were coming to my wedding. Having them there was SO important to me. Never did we imagine that it would come to this. I am the first of her grandchildren to be getting married and all of her children and grandchildren are going to be there. I have done my best to try to include them in the day, I am even going to be wearing her veil (which was actually my great grandmothers). I am just hurt by the fact that she sent it to me in a letter without any mention of it before. My mom and other family has been more than willing to pick them up and bring them down for the wedding, never did we expect them to have to drive down themselves, and they know that. I just dont know what to do now. I am afraid to call her b/c i know i will get too upset over the phone (i was hysterical after i read the letter).

I am going to have to write her back now. Any thoughts? Anyone with similar situations?? Part of me feels like this isnt real and that they will just end up coming, but i know i would be a fool to think that. I want her to change her mind....but not because i asked her to.

Re: I am SO UPSET! How am I supposed to react to this?

Re: I am SO UPSET! How am I supposed to react to this?

aw heather im sorry to hear that they wont be coming... i think you have every right to be upset that they wont be there but i think its more important to be understanding that maybe he just isnt healthy enough to come and it would be better for him not to.

i happen to be in a similiar situation. My grandparents have friends (husband and wife) who have been around my whole life like another set of grandparents. they are there for everything. They have lived half the year in FL. and half the year in NJ. Well i was told that its very likely they wont be coming in for my wedding i was very upset to hear that. but after hearing the reasoning of the fact that they are getting older, cant really afford it, and the trip is far from florida. i Do have to understand that im SURE if they could be there they would.

Just know im sure its just as hard for your grandma to have to write her granddaughter that she will not be able to attend your wedding. shes prob. very upset but is trying to do what is right for your grandpa!

Re: I am SO UPSET! How am I supposed to react to this?

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Posted by JB1122

Maybe you should discuss this with your Mom before you do anything?

Or call them yourself and explain to them thath your Mom could pick them up and that there will be access to medical care in the case of an emergency? And tell them that it means so much to you that they be there, although you do understand how sick your grandpa is.

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I was thinking discuss with your mom also....I'm really not sure what else to do, but try not to get too upset--maybe the decision isn't final yet....hope it works out

Re: I am SO UPSET! How am I supposed to react to this?

I cant blame you for the way you are reacting. So no- you are NOT selfish!!!! Having your grandparents there is important to you - and so is tradition as you have indicated with the veil....

What was your mother/father;s reactions? It seems that if your family is more than willing to accomidate them (as anyone would) there might be something more to the situation??

Maybe - could your mom make a phone call on your behalf..not to beg, but to find out more..is something bothering your grandmother? Maybe does she feel bad that she and your grandfather are going to be 'too much of a bother' on your wedding day?

My grandma tried to pull that one for 5 min (shes 83 and gpa will be 82) and they are in wheelchairs (gpa is in hosp now) and I smacked that right down....told her she was silly (we have a joking relationship) and reassured her constantly that the wedding is complete with her there and shell be the envy of the day with her hotwheels!

I would really think of having your mom call peacefully to see why and if something is wrong.

Re: I am SO UPSET! How am I supposed to react to this?

the consensus is to talk with your mom!

Re: I am SO UPSET! How am I supposed to react to this?

First of all to you times 108!

Secondly...it's a tough call. You aren't getting married until April. Things could change. Is there anyway you and FH could go up there for the weekend and suprise them. Then sit down with the both of them and talk about it? Is there anyway you guys could get him a nurse while he his here or to take care of him up there while grandma comes down?

Sure you are going through tons of emotions right now. You want your grand parents there on the most important and special day of your life (so far). Maybe if you sleep on it and then compose a letter back to her telling her your feelings?

There are a few ways you can go about this. It is understandable for you to be upset, I'd be upset. My personal opinion, sleep on it, then talk to FH and your family and see if there is more to the story on their part and maybe come up with a solution.


ETS: I really thought out my response (that's why it took me 8 minutes to post it!)...but I also totally agree with all the other girls.

Re: I am SO UPSET! How am I supposed to react to this?

Re: I am SO UPSET! How am I supposed to react to this?

im so sorry...its hard cause i can understand both sides..yours and your grandmothers...maybe just explain how important it is to you that they be there.....maybe she will have a change of heart. I hope it works out good luck hun

Re: I am SO UPSET! How am I supposed to react to this?

I am so sorry to hear this!!!! It not easy. I can kinda understand that its hard to make that long of a trip. my grandparents are of firm belief, what you do for one you do for the others, if your grandparents have 9 kids, that could mean a lot of grandkids, could this be part of their reasoning? (not that it makes it feel better) I hope everything works out!!!!!

Re: I am SO UPSET! How am I supposed to react to this?

I did talk to my mom about it, and she was very upset when i told her. But basically what i am going to do is write them and tell them that understand where they are coming from, and that of course I would not want my grandfathers health to be put in jeopardy. But, i will also tell them how i feel and make sure they know how much them being there meant to me. I dont want to make them feel guilty, but i want them to know how i feel. My grandmother did the same thing (wrote me a similar letter) for my graduation from High school 10 years ago, and i remember being in shock and crying then too. ALthough at that time, My mom called them and my grandma ended up coming anyway. She also ended up coming for many other events and occasions for other family members after that fact. I just didnt imagine that the same thing would happen for my wedding! She must be scared which i understand....i feel bad about that. Anyway, my mom is going up there in Feb. so she is going to see what things are like when she goes to see them. If they really can't come i will just make sure to get up there to see them with FH soon after the wedding

Re: I am SO UPSET! How am I supposed to react to this?

Re: I am SO UPSET! How am I supposed to react to this?

thanks ladies for your support. I am going to have to accept the fact that they really might not make it to the wedding. Things may change though, especially after she speaks to my mom. so i will keep hoping for the best! Either way, I think i will feel better once i write back to my grandma and let her know what i am thinking.

Re: I am SO UPSET! How am I supposed to react to this?

what did your mom say?