i am so upset right now

My great Aunt just passed away at the end of October. She was more like a grandmother to me we were so close. Her husband just called my parents to tell them that he has i new girl friend . So i guess 6 months is the proper time to mourn for someone you have been married to for 50 year !!!! He better not think that he is bringing this women to my wedding !!!! I wasn't going to be so morbid but i may have to put the extra seat at his table with a flower on the chair to remind him that where my aunt should be.

hang in there!

it does seem a little too soon

but everyone has their own way of grieving...Im sure he hasn't forgotten her!

I can understand that you're upset...

However, when you're older, and especially after 50 years of marriage, these things move quicker and aren't even about a sexual relationship, it's all about companionship. I think every person, regardless, deserves some kind of companionship. Maybe she's a shoulder for him to cry on, maybe they talk, maybe she lost a spouse also. You never know.

My point is, don't jumpt to conclusions and certainly don't put a place setting at the table like you suggested. It is not your place and you really don't know the whole situation. Instead of being angry, maybe you could talk to him; he might open up. And remember, everyone grieves differently, so don't judge the way someone else does it.

Many

I'm assuming that since this was your great aunt and uncle that they are very old. I'm sure his relationship is one of companionship. I don't think that the timing is inappropriate. If your great uncle is a vibrant older man he should get out there and be social. I doubt it has anything to do with him not missing or mourning. And I'm sure your aunt would want him to live the remainder of his life to the fullest.
edited for spelling

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Posted by LoveyDovey




hang in there!

it does seem a little too soon

but everyone has their own way of grieving...Im sure he hasn't forgotten her!

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I went through something with my grandma. Except I was on the receiving end. I had no problem with her getting a boyfriend after my grandpa had been dead for a year. She was miserable without him and literally did not leave her apartment for almost a year. She lives in my basement apartment, so I have first-hand knowledge of how she was every single day. My grandmother met a man about a year ago who had also lost his spouse one year prior. The two of them 'hit it off' and dated for a few months, then got engaged, and now they live together in my basement. A little Brady Bunch, I know, but what can I tell you - we're Italian! The more the merrier. His children, on the otherhand, were so upset that he had 'replaced' their mother that they completely disowned him. They don't allow my grandmother to come to family functions or participate in anything related to their family. It's really ridiculous b/c he was just lonely and wanted to be happy again (and I'm happy to say that now that he's with my grandmother, he is happy again). He tells me all the time that for that year after his wife's death all he did was go to the VFW and drink away his sorrows. Now that he's with my grandmother, they have a social life - they go on vacations together, they go dancing, they have FUN. And most importantly, they are HAPPY. He's 88 years old and his children don't speak to him anymore because they can't get over the fact that he's happy again. It's really sad and juvenile in my opinion. If you really love your uncle, you'll be happy that he's happy.

Dating someone new isn't replacing the old, it is simply trying to find that companionship that they had for so many years before. In my opinion, if an older person dates right away, it's a showing of how much they really cared for their spouse that passed away because they just can't stand being apart from companionship. I'm sure that if his wife were still alive, he would choose her over the new woman in a second! It's not a competition. Not even close.

Older people need to have companionship because they are so used to being with their spouse (in some cases, for 50+ years!). They don't know what to do with themselves when they are finally alone. 6 months might seem like a short time to you, but to him, it seems like an eternity. That is 6 months of not seeing his wife, the love of his life, every single day and no one really trying to do anything to make him feel better about it. I don't know your situation, but my grandmother lives with my family and she had 6 people to comfort her, but none of us could comfort her loss in the way that her fiance did.

Everyone has their own way of grieving. What is most important is that he is HAPPY. I'd imagine that he's pretty old (b/c he's your great uncle), so isn't it more important that he has someone that he loves (or at the very least, loves spending time with), by his side?

Sorry this is so long. This is just my opinion and I just have a bone to pick with this attitude because I've had personal experience on the other side.

I still love you MaryAnn and you were still my BOTW pick

I am not so sure about this... I think my aunt may Haunt him from the grave!

Ive seen this with older people. My aunt's MIL died. Months later, the FIL was with someone else. I think its just a companionship thing. These people haven't been alone in 50 years so they need someone to spend time with etc.

I know it hurts but I guess they hand;e things differently than we do after all that time.

Oh man..im sorryyy..that really stinks

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Posted by mrsdraskin2009

I can understand that you're upset...

However, when you're older, and especially after 50 years of marriage, these things move quicker and aren't even about a sexual relationship, it's all about companionship. I think every person, regardless, deserves some kind of companionship. Maybe she's a shoulder for him to cry on, maybe they talk, maybe she lost a spouse also. You never know.

My point is, don't jumpt to conclusions and certainly don't put a place setting at the table like you suggested. It is not your place and you really don't know the whole situation. Instead of being angry, maybe you could talk to him; he might open up. And remember, everyone grieves differently, so don't judge the way someone else does it.

Many

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ITA Word for Word.

I work in a Senior Living Community, I deal with this kind of thing every day. They are looking for companionship. You'd be suprised how much they talk about their deceased spouse to their partners. It's not relationships like we are forming. They have been through a life with someone and then a death. They heal together and then live life together.

Mourn your aunt, you should. You were close. Your uncle I garauntee you is mourning still as well. But don't damn him for living still. I have some residents who lost their spouses and never stop greiving, they walk around like empty shells just waiting to die. It's horrible and you wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I wish you so much

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Posted by leesah85

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Posted by LoveyDovey




hang in there!

it does seem a little too soon

but everyone has their own way of grieving...Im sure he hasn't forgotten her!

---

I went through something with my grandma. Except I was on the receiving end. I had no problem with her getting a boyfriend after my grandpa had been dead for a year. She was miserable without him and literally did not leave her apartment for almost a year. She lives in my basement apartment, so I have first-hand knowledge of how she was every single day. My grandmother met a man about a year ago who had also lost his spouse one year prior. The two of them 'hit it off' and dated for a few months, then got engaged, and now they live together in my basement. A little Brady Bunch, I know, but what can I tell you - we're Italian! The more the merrier. His children, on the otherhand, were so upset that he had 'replaced' their mother that they completely disowned him. They don't allow my grandmother to come to family functions or participate in anything related to their family. It's really ridiculous b/c he was just lonely and wanted to be happy again (and I'm happy to say that now that he's with my grandmother, he is happy again). He tells me all the time that for that year after his wife's death all he did was go to the VFW and drink away his sorrows. Now that he's with my grandmother, they have a social life - they go on vacations together, they go dancing, they have FUN. And most importantly, they are HAPPY. He's 88 years old and his children don't speak to him anymore because they can't get over the fact that he's happy again. It's really sad and juvenile in my opinion. If you really love your uncle, you'll be happy that he's happy.

Dating someone new isn't replacing the old, it is simply trying to find that companionship that they had for so many years before. In my opinion, if an older person dates right away, it's a showing of how much they really cared for their spouse that passed away because they just can't stand being apart from companionship. I'm sure that if his wife were still alive, he would choose her over the new woman in a second! It's not a competition. Not even close.

Older people need to have companionship because they are so used to being with their spouse (in some cases, for 50+ years!). They don't know what to do with themselves when they are finally alone. 6 months might seem like a short time to you, but to him, it seems like an eternity. That is 6 months of not seeing his wife, the love of his life, every single day and no one really trying to do anything to make him feel better about it. I don't know your situation, but my grandmother lives with my family and she had 6 people to comfort her, but none of us could comfort her loss in the way that her fiance did.

Everyone has their own way of grieving. What is most important is that he is HAPPY. I'd imagine that he's pretty old (b/c he's your great uncle), so isn't it more important that he has someone that he loves (or at the very least, loves spending time with), by his side?

Sorry this is so long. This is just my opinion and I just have a bone to pick with this attitude because I've had personal experience on the other side.

I still love you MaryAnn and you were still my BOTW pick

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Thanx Lisa , i wouldnt mind if he had friends but i cant even imagine someone else in my Aunts house yet. Thank god he waited till after the holidays

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Posted by FutureMrsDe


Thanx Lisa , i wouldnt mind if he had friends but i cant even imagine someone else in my Aunts house yet. Thank god he waited till after the holidays

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MaryAnn, did she move in? Cause I can totally understand that compounding how you feel.

You don't have to like it. In fact, I'm sure it's incredibly normal if you don't. But like the others have said, he was probably miserable and lonely all alone after being married to his best friend for 50 years. So try to keep that in mind and give yourself some time. I'm sure she's a lovely woman if your uncle picked her, you know?

I'm so sorry you lost her. My great aunt was like a grandmother to me, too and I was devastated when she passed. She was never married though, so I didn't deal with anything like this.

Don't shut him out. But you're entitled to be upset if it upsets you. Just don't do anything rash

Did they dicuss this when she was ill?

Sometimes couples give the other 'permission' to move on after they are gone so that the one who is 'leaving' knows their true love will be happy and taken care of once they have left.

At his age I am sure your aunt would want him to be happy

And if she is anything like me she would want him to be happy with a women much less prettier then me LOL

I'm so sorry!

You just have to keep in mind, people deal with grief differently. I'm sure after being with someone for 50 years, he must be so lonely. I agree with Stardutchess, I'm sure it's just for companionship.

hang in there

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Posted by Tiinkerbellaaa

wow that long post was beautifully said. My grandpa died a little less than a month ago and I lived with them. My grandma is so sad and I try to keep her busy and so does the rest of my family but yesterday she told me she cried all day alone at home. My heart broke for her. Although she is extremely old fashioned and would never consider meeting someone, your post just opened up my eyes even more. My gram did everything for my grandpa the whole time he was sick. Now she feels she has nothing left to live for and she says now that he is gone, she feels she has to go too. I hate hearing that because he was 85 and she is 77. =(*

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I'm glad my post helped someone I'm sorry to hear about your grandpa. It does get easier, I promise. But unfortunately it never goes away Just try to keep your grandma in good spirits - I know it's difficult, but just being with her will ease her pain.

MaryAnn, I'm really sorry that you lost your aunt - I've had a lot of loss in my life so I can totally understand your pain. You don't ever have to understand it or like it, but just make sure you don't shut out your uncle.

awww this is so sad and I would feel extremely shocked and hurt as well since you were so close to your great aunt and I can imagine, extremely loyal to her. I think the initial anger is normal, I'm sure you feel betrayed for your aunt.

I would keep an open mind for the sake of your uncle though, you don't have to welcome his gf with open arms but be polite and understanding of his situation. Like many girls said, older people often feel lonely after they lose a spouse. Their children are grown and have their own lives. Many of their friends may have passed. Sure, visits from family can help but it doesn't replace a constant companion. Think about it, how many times do you go to a restaurant or movie by yourself? Think about how many people your great uncle can call to do this with him at a given notice? Think about the thought of waking up to an empty house every single day.

She will NEVER replace your aunt in your family's hearts but if she comforts him, takes care of him as he gets older, is a genuinely nice person, I think she deserves a chance.



I'm sure your great aunt is smiling down at you for being so fiercely loyal and loving her so much.

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Posted by mrsdraskin2009

I can understand that you're upset...

However, when you're older, and especially after 50 years of marriage, these things move quicker and aren't even about a sexual relationship, it's all about companionship. I think every person, regardless, deserves some kind of companionship. Maybe she's a shoulder for him to cry on, maybe they talk, maybe she lost a spouse also. You never know.

My point is, don't jumpt to conclusions and certainly don't put a place setting at the table like you suggested. It is not your place and you really don't know the whole situation. Instead of being angry, maybe you could talk to him; he might open up. And remember, everyone grieves differently, so don't judge the way someone else does it.

Many

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ITA...as you get older you need someone to be by your side as a confidant and friend. Please don't be mad at your great uncle because I am sure he still loves your great aunt but just needs someone to be with and talk to. Also, don't stop him from bringing her to your wedding if wants to remember he is elderly and needs some understanding too.