I can't believe this is my life!

Original post by inneedofadvice

Jul 07, 2004 09:22 PM

I don't even know where to begin!? This is so embarrassing! I can't talk to anyone about this, so thanks in advance for listening.

I have been with FH for almost 5 years. Generally they were happy years. About 2 years ago I found out that he had been calling and having phone sex. He had gotten the number from one of his men's magazines. He had racked up thousands of dollars on his credit card from this. I flipped out! I felt that this was cheating on me and I wanted nothing to do with him. Well, he cried and begged and promised he learned his lesson and would never do it again. His little problem kind of put our life on hold. We had to wait another year to get engaged so he could get back on his feet. Things were never quite the same, but things were good.
We have been engaged for nearly a year and are living together. One night I pick up his phone a see a strange number dialed out at 2:00AM. I confronted him and he admitted he had been calling again. I was so hurt! I don;t trust him one bit. I have been snooping around in his stuff and found out that he has nearly depleted his bank account (NOT our joint, HIS account). I saw transactions on is bank statement where he was taking out $500 at a time. I confronted him and he was gambling!!!! I can't believe this! I am so sad! I am so alone! What do I do now?

shelly3950 Posted: Jul 08, 2004 09:20 AM

Re: I can't believe this is my life!

First off, I'm sorry you are going through this. Secondly, no matter what, this has nothing to do with you. This is his issue, his addiction, his illness.

I am going to have to agree with everyone else. He has an addiction, no different than if he was going to AC to play cards all night. The fact that it is of a sexual nature, makes it even more of a trust issue.

If you have the love and patience, I would say stay with him while he goes to counseling and see what happens. If not, I would say RUN the other way. This is something that can take years to help, if ever. This is a part of him that will always be, even if he is not acting on it. Its just like an alcoholic. They are never cured, they just learn how to live with the disease. Also, you need to determine the most important part of it all, does he want to change? Does he want to address this? Does he want to deal with it? If the answer to any of these questions is no, then I would strongly suggest you say goodbye. JMO.

Kriss2c Posted: Jul 08, 2004 09:27 AM

Re: I can't believe this is my life!

Posted by shelly3950

First off, I'm sorry you are going through this. Secondly, no matter what, this has nothing to do with you. This is his issue, his addiction, his illness.

I am going to have to agree with everyone else. He has an addiction, no different than if he was going to AC to play cards all night. The fact that it is of a sexual nature, makes it even more of a trust issue.

If you have the love and patience, I would say stay with him while he goes to counseling and see what happens. If not, I would say RUN the other way. This is something that can take years to help, if ever. This is a part of him that will always be, even if he is not acting on it. Its just like an alcoholic. They are never cured, they just learn how to live with the disease. Also, you need to determine the most important part of it all, does he want to change? Does he want to address this? Does he want to deal with it? If the answer to any of these questions is no, then I would strongly suggest you say goodbye. JMO.

I can't say it any better than Shelly3950. YOu both need to determine what and how you want to live and then go from there.

Finoflynn Posted: Jul 08, 2004 09:28 AM

Re: I can't believe this is my life!

First of all, I am so sorry you are dealing with this. It is a serious and unfortunate situation. Like the other girls, I would also say counseling may be the best option right now. Hold off on the wedding plans until you two can see if this is something you can work through. He needs help, and hopefully is willing to get it. It may be something you can be there to help him with and go from there....
Many

CubanBride Posted: Jul 08, 2004 09:30 AM

Re: I can't believe this is my life!

Hmmm..it seems to me he needs some excitement in his life. The phone sex calls have nothing to do with you. Beither does the gambling. He is trying to fill some sort of void he feels in his life.

Definitely try the counseling.

diamondgrlie Posted: Jul 08, 2004 09:30 AM

Re: I can't believe this is my life!

I am sorry. It really sounds like he has an addictive type personality and if you are feeling so bad about this now, it is going to be a long road to recovery and therapy sounds necessary. It is your choice to stick by him through it, or distance yourself. Best of luck!

FLaCaTaCa Posted: Jul 08, 2004 09:33 AM

Re: I can't believe this is my life!

I am so sorry you are going through this.
Now, my opinion is that you may not need to call the engagement off...I do think that you need to work some serious issues out with him before you set a date and if you already have one, postpone it. I am a firm believer that Love Conquers All....but you have to want it and truly be in love. You can get through this and so can he....you just have to work together and maybe with a counselor.

Good Luck!!

keohime Posted: Jul 08, 2004 09:44 AM

Re: I can't believe this is my life!

Ohmigosh, I am so so sorry.

Sounds like he definetly has an addiction. And I guess you have a decision to make.

This is only my opinion, but this is a type of illness, isn't it? It is not quite the same thing, but if he had cancer, would you leave him? Of course not! You love this man, and you want him to be better, and you doubtless want to stick by him and help him in his time of need (assuming of course that he wants to get better), right?

It may not be the most appropriate time to get married, I admit, but, if it were me, I could not imagine abandoning the relationship altogether right now.

Best of luck

Here anytime you need to talk...

BCTM33 Posted: Jul 08, 2004 10:22 AM

Re: I can't believe this is my life!

Posted by shelly3950

First off, I'm sorry you are going through this. Secondly, no matter what, this has nothing to do with you. This is his issue, his addiction, his illness.

I am going to have to agree with everyone else. He has an addiction, no different than if he was going to AC to play cards all night. The fact that it is of a sexual nature, makes it even more of a trust issue.

If you have the love and patience, I would say stay with him while he goes to counseling and see what happens. If not, I would say RUN the other way. This is something that can take years to help, if ever. This is a part of him that will always be, even if he is not acting on it. Its just like an alcoholic. They are never cured, they just learn how to live with the disease. Also, you need to determine the most important part of it all, does he want to change? Does he want to address this? Does he want to deal with it? If the answer to any of these questions is no, then I would strongly suggest you say goodbye. JMO.

I completely agree. I'm so sorry this is happaning to you!

DrmnBlnd Posted: Jul 08, 2004 10:30 AM

Re: I can't believe this is my life!

Posted by LovelyL

Honestly, I would call the engagement off. He has some serious problems he needs to work out. Can you get him into counseling?

I completely agree.

chichila15 Posted: Jul 08, 2004 10:37 AM

Re: I can't believe this is my life!

Posted by shelly3950

First off, I'm sorry you are going through this. Secondly, no matter what, this has nothing to do with you. This is his issue, his addiction, his illness.

I am going to have to agree with everyone else. He has an addiction, no different than if he was going to AC to play cards all night. The fact that it is of a sexual nature, makes it even more of a trust issue.

If you have the love and patience, I would say stay with him while he goes to counseling and see what happens. If not, I would say RUN the other way. This is something that can take years to help, if ever. This is a part of him that will always be, even if he is not acting on it. Its just like an alcoholic. They are never cured, they just learn how to live with the disease. Also, you need to determine the most important part of it all, does he want to change? Does he want to address this? Does he want to deal with it? If the answer to any of these questions is no, then I would strongly suggest you say goodbye. JMO.

I agree with her as well... definitely seek counseling, but know that this is something that you both have to live with. It can get better, or get worse, but in the end, it's completely up to him to want to change that. If not, then you should know already what you need to do.

I'm sooooooo sorry that you're going through this.

newbie Posted: Jul 08, 2004 10:37 AM

Re: I can't believe this is my life!

He really needs to get help. Even though he told he was giving up the phone sex, all he did is trade one addiction for another. I don't think he can beat this on his own. IMO, you should put the engagement on hold while he gets counseling.