I can't believe this is my life!

I can't believe this is my life!

I don't even know where to begin!? This is so embarrassing! I can't talk to anyone about this, so thanks in advance for listening.

I have been with FH for almost 5 years. Generally they were happy years. About 2 years ago I found out that he had been calling and having phone sex. He had gotten the number from one of his men's magazines. He had racked up thousands of dollars on his credit card from this. I flipped out! I felt that this was cheating on me and I wanted nothing to do with him. Well, he cried and begged and promised he learned his lesson and would never do it again. His little problem kind of put our life on hold. We had to wait another year to get engaged so he could get back on his feet. Things were never quite the same, but things were good.
We have been engaged for nearly a year and are living together. One night I pick up his phone a see a strange number dialed out at 2:00AM. I confronted him and he admitted he had been calling again. I was so hurt! I don;t trust him one bit. I have been snooping around in his stuff and found out that he has nearly depleted his bank account (NOT our joint, HIS account). I saw transactions on is bank statement where he was taking out $500 at a time. I confronted him and he was gambling!!!! I can't believe this! I am so sad! I am so alone! What do I do now?

Re: I can't believe this is my life!

Honestly, I would call the engagement off. He has some serious problems he needs to work out. Can you get him into counseling?

Re: I can't believe this is my life!

Do you think he needs counseling Gambling is a big problem. Try to get him the help that he needs

Re: I can't believe this is my life!

Talk to him and see what his plans for the future are and if they include you you might want to tell him that this is something that you will not tolerate. The only concern I have is that he told you he would stop and now he is doing it again. I would recommend counseling for you both. Good luck.

Re: I can't believe this is my life!

I am so sorry you are going through this!! I would post pone the engagement and ask him to seek counseling. If counseling doesn't work and he continues to gamble and call these phone numbers, I would let him go. This JMO. If he loves you, he will seek counseling and if he doesn't seek counseling, then you know what you need to do. If you marry him under these circumstances, you are just setting yourself up. Good Luck Sweetie!!!

Re: I can't believe this is my life!

Oh, I am so sorry. First this:

Then, you must know. He has a MAJOR addiction. He needs help. He cannot stop on his own. He must seek counseling for his behavior, and you must seek it as a couple if you want the relationship to work. This is the kind of thing he will promise not to do again (and in his heart may not ever want to do again!) but 5, 10 years down the road you will stumble across it again, and it may not be a voice on the phone that far down the line! I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but it is the truth and the pattern of a sex addict. (The gambling all ties in with it...do a little internet research.)

It's understandable that you feel alone, he is keeping secrets from you and essentially living another life! That is betrayal, and it hurts so hard. Talk to him and be rational about the issue...explore how you can work through this. (once you have gotten all the hysterical stuff out of course)

If you want this to work, IMO, you must put the engagement on hold and seek immediate therapy.

We are here for you! Keep us updated.

Re: I can't believe this is my life!

I dont think this issue has anything to do with the phone sex or gambling, but the larger issue that he feels something is missing that he needs to call these numbers and spend this money gambling....I think 5 years is a long time, so I would not give up if you love him but I would seek professional help or your relationship wont survive..the big issues are trust and honesty, no matter what form they are disguised in....good luck!

Re: I can't believe this is my life!

Clearly, your FH needs help...counseling individually and together should help things out for you guys. An addiction to gambling is a very hard addiction to kick, I have a best friend who has battled this with her FH...they did counseling together and she controls ALL money...every dime...he has no access to it, and out of site..out of mind...

If you can tolerate it, be there for him. THis is going to be a trying time for you guys, but if you put your mind to it, it will be OK. He needs the encouragement and help from you to get him through this sickness...its a weakness, and he needs help. Do you live close to AC that he goes gambling there? How about moving? I knwo thats a big step, but it may help curbe this addiction.

Good luck and I am here if you need to chat!

Re: I can't believe this is my life!

i am soooo sorry. i think that this type of problem is a serious addiction that he obviously cannot overcome on his own. i think he needs to seek counseling... if you are willing to work it out, you should go see a counselor together.

it will be hard to trust him because you've already caught him twice!! trust me... you don't want to start a marriage if you don't trust each other 100%. my friend had cold feet but went ahead with the marriage, and shes been wanting to leave ever since.

i have another friend with a boyfriend who has a similar problem as your fiance... its an addiction. it can't be overcome with a promise - even to you.

i would definitely call off the engagement because you can't go into a marriage with him hiding things like this from you. i'm so sorry!!! we're here to help if you need any advice.

Re: I can't believe this is my life!

first of all, i am SO SORRY that this is happening to you. you must be extremely hurt that your fiance did those things and then hid them/lied about them. he definitely seems to have a problem with addiction that goes well beyond your relationship. he needs help and i don't know if it's the best idea for either of you to commit to a marriage at this point. i think you will eventually have a decision to make as to whether you feel you can stick it out while he seeks help, or whether you feel that he has betrayed your trust beyond repair. maybe you could also see a therapist to work through your feelings? please feel free to fm me if you'd like to talk, vent, or whatever.

much love,
alex

Re: I can't believe this is my life!

i would call it off hon you really dont need to deal with this in your life - let him get the help he needs

Re: I can't believe this is my life!

I am a therapist and see these behaviors in my patients sometimes. These behaviors are really compulsions. He needs serious help. But don't expect a quick solution. It will take serious work on his part and it will likely be part of his life for years (if not longer). I am sorry that you are going through this.

Re: I can't believe this is my life!

I am sorry that you are going through this.

Seek out some help for him whether it be gamblers anonymous & or therapist for the addiction problem.

Make sure you take care of yourself as well.


As far as your relationship- play it by ear- let him get some help and see how much you can cope with on a healthy level. The wedding I would hold off on for a bit.


Hopefully he will recognize the issue and go for some assistance.


I wish you the best of luck on this road.


ETA-

Re: I can't believe this is my life!

I am so sorry to hear this! A similar situation happened to my sister. Her husband was doing this. He was chatting over the computer and calling them on the phone. My sister freaked. These girls could be under age!
Well she blocked his AOL account and luckily the phone sex #'s were being used with their joint credit cards so she got rid off them and put them in her name. He can't get credit cards so it ended there. They worked through it. I would really suggest some counseling or try to find out why he feels the need to do this? They do have couples counseling to help spice up your relationship and help you both emotionally. As for a wedding... I would put it on hold. Best wishes!

Re: I can't believe this is my life!

You should definitly postpone the wedding, its really up to you if you want to call of the engagement. But if you really want to be with him and help him get through this, if indeed he really wants to stop, he is going to have to change before you can get married. Just think what could happen if he gambled away your wedding money!

Re: I can't believe this is my life!

Re: I can't believe this is my life!

I agree with what everyone has said, but your FI needs to admit that he's an addict. That would be the first step in helping him deal with this. My understanding of addiction is that the addict needs to admit that he is powerless against the addiction. Only then can he start working on the recovery. It will be a long journey, that he has to initiate. Should he choose to take on the many steps necessary to get through this, I think you will also need seperate counseling to deal with your relationship issues that have developed. I wish you both lots of strength.

Re: I can't believe this is my life!

RUN! I mean it, it might not be what you want to hear, but you deserve better than doubting and questioning the rest of your life. Someone else is out there for you.

Re: I can't believe this is my life!

I would seriously think this over. ..... I was once engaged and broke it off after almost 8 years- not only did I find out he was using a 900 # also, but I also found him cheating on me after a few months of him doing that. I know exactly how you must feel. My theory is once a cheater always a cheater even though they say they are going to change they have to want to change, I am sure you feel hurt, I know I was. Feel free to Fm mail me, I went thru something similiar. I am happy to say I am now happily married to a different man , I met my DH RIGHT after I dumped 'Glenn's' butt! NOT HIS REAL NAME.

Re: I can't believe this is my life!

Bunnymonkey's advice was stellar.
Your fiance has a serious problem and needs professional help in order to get through/past it. You should NOT start out a life together knowingingly when he is dealing with such serious problems that will significantly impact your life. This is not simply that 'something is missing' as someone suggested. This is an addiction and he needs help. You can still support him, but you don't have to get married now in order to do that. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. If you are feeling so alone to, maybe talking to a therapist would be helpful for you as you try to sort all of this out as well. Best of luck.