I dont even know why any of you would even open my posts anymore

Original post by nycchic_24

Dec 31, 2003 05:16 PM

Well my mom has decided not to come and although I totally ALWAYS respect her decisions..this one i cant accept or forgive. She seems to think that she cant be here because she will be a downer, like the rest of us really want to celebrate at midnight??

I bought so much food, offered to bring it all to her home..nope she doesnt want that..

My way of thinking, shes mourning Kenny and missing him on NYE...but you never know what the next year can bring, so what if god forbid one of us isnt here next year to celebrate with..she just gave up this year because shes upset about him..

I understand everything and have been there thouroughly through everything but this time I cant understand this. Now I have to choose between my mother and my husband..do I go home at midnight to my mothers to be with her or do I stay here with my husband??? I want to do the right thing but I feel like I never do..I just feel that we should all be together, the way it has been for the last 8 months..getting through it all together..I am also kind of bitter because before Kenny there was us..and we never would leave her, never! And I feel like all thats important is Kenny..and I hate saying that cause I miss him more than words can say myself..

Word of advice...dont even read my posts anymore..you see my name, run the other way, cause its always SOMETHING!!!!!

anna Posted: Jan 01, 2004 11:10 AM

Re: I dont even know why any of you would even open my posts anymore

Noreen, Im so glad your mom came over.
Like everyone said here, everyone grieves and heals in their own way and at their own pace.
You are trying your VERY best to be there to run, walk or skip with your mom, depending on the day she's having.
Dont be so hard on yourself. Youre truly an amazing daughter and wife.

I hope everything went ok after midnite

Maribelle7777 Posted: Jan 01, 2004 11:23 AM

Re: I dont even know why any of you would even open my posts anymore

Let your mom mourn for the time being. Not attending NYE party isn't the end of the world. But if it's been going on for a long long time (like over a year and she's still mourning) I might suggest her seeking grief counseling (even now, it never hurts).

I wouldn't get too upset over her being this way. Everyone grieves in different ways. But the counseling may help her by showing her that it's OK to go on living your life after a love one has died, etc.

Is she expecting you to always be there and grieve with her? That is going to cause a strain in your relationship w/ your hubby I think. Maybe she should think aobut the couseling if she cannot handle griveing on her own (that's not to sound insulting, sorry it comes out sounding that way). Do you feel she's making you choose between her and your husband? If so you should talk to her and tell her while you miss Kenny too, you also have a new husband and you need to be with him and start living your life with him too now.

And do not worry, no one is upset (at least I'm not) about your posts. You're going throughn a hard time. It will get better.

kmcwed Posted: Jan 01, 2004 12:04 PM

Re: I dont even know why any of you would even open my posts anymore

Posted by nycchic_24

Now I have to choose between my mother and my husband..do I go home at midnight to my mothers to be with her or do I stay here with my husband???

Hi Noreen,

I'm so sorry. The way I see it, you don't have to choose at all. Your Mother is a grown woman, and she has made HER choice, to stay at home and be alone. You invited her, prepared a wonderful evening for her, and SHE is choosing not to come. It has nothing to do with you choosing between your husband and your Mom.

Sometimes we just have to do all we can for someone, and then just let it go. Other people have to start to do things for themselves at some point. I think you've really done all you can for your mother, and now it's time for her to pick up the slack and start doing for herself.

If she chooses not to, then you must remember that it's her OWN choice, and remind yourself that as much as we wish we can, we can never ever make others do what they aren't ready, or don't want to do.

Don't feel guilty at all! You're doing the right thing by always inviting her, making her comfortable, being sensitive to her feelings and needs. The rest has to come from her.

You can't stop living your life, because she has chosen to stop living hers.

Jenn P Posted: Jan 01, 2004 12:24 PM

Re: I dont even know why any of you would even open my posts anymore

You're supposed to vent here so don't ever feel like you can't.

I'm glad your mom came over. My dad passed away ten years ago and since I've been out of my mom's house, she sometimes declines invitations when she really does want to come over but she feels like she's 'intruding on the newlyweds.' A little persuasion and cajolling usually does the trick, but sometimes it's not easy. I'm an only child so there's no one else to share the responsibility of making sure she's alright.

The good news is that after the full year of grieving, two things will happen to make things easier: She'll feel a little better because the first holidays without the loved one are always the hardest. Also, you'll have a better idea of how to handle all these holidays. Some surely mean more to her than others, so on the ones that don't mean as much (like New Years for my mom) you could, like Sue said, stop by the next day or the day before. My point is just that eventually you'll figure it out and things will get better. I wish you all the best.

palebride Posted: Jan 01, 2004 02:11 PM

Re: I dont even know why any of you would even open my posts anymore

i'm sorry you have to go through these things.....
please feel free to vent when you need to!!

nycchic_24 Posted: Jan 01, 2004 04:58 PM

Re: I dont even know why any of you would even open my posts anymore

I cannot thank you all enough for all your words of wisdom, advice and just plain love!

It was an extremely hard evening filled with crying and so many emotions but I have good news about today..she came to my house with my sister and made us breakfast..

I thought that was such a milestone for her and I am so proud of her.

On a personal note, the love I feel for all you ladies is simply amazing. I have such a wonderful support group here all the time that I cant live without..it boggles my mind that people care so much and havent even truly met me.

Thank you all so much!