i don't know if i want to get married any more (very long)
coldfeet
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i don't know if i want to get married any more (very long)
hi girls. i'm a regular poster, but i need to talk about things i don't really want associated with me so hence the pseudonym. lately i've been getting cold feet. really cold. ice cold. i don't know if i can do this. to be honest it has nothing really to do with my fiance. i love him. he's great. it's more me. i'm starting to feel like i'm ending my life before it's begun. i know that's not the way to feel entering a marriage. you see, my fiance was only my second boyfriend ever. i met him when i was 17 and never dated anyone after. he's my best bud. but sometimes that's the problem. he feels like my best bud. we don't have any passion really anymore. we're just comfortable - happy with each other, but just comfortable. i don't know if comfortable is what i want for the rest of my life. sometimes i think i'm looking for too much. i should be happy. i mean he is a great guy and what more could i want. but part of me thinks maybe i'm settling because he's here and we get along and have been together for sooo long and it's a lot scarier to leave. there have also been big problems with his family. it's gotten to the point where i don't really want to be attached to THEM for the rest of my life. that's just another negative. i just feel like i'm in so deep now and i don't know what to do. i just wish we could go back to just dating so i wouldn't have to be thinking about all this till death do us part stuff. i'm very young (i think) - only just turned 22 and i just wonder if i'm ready for this. i'm the only one of my friends who is engaged and hanging out with them only makes me feel bad - quite frankly i'm jealous of their freedom. i hate my off the market for life status. help. i don't know how this will help, but i just needed to talk to someone. everyone around me is just too involved. my fiance is adored by my whole family, he is a roomate of a family member too. he's like the son my father never had. we work together, not to mention the money we've spent on this wedding. ugh.
coldfeet
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Re: i don't know if i want to get married any more (very long)
to any of you who read this, i really appreciate you taking the time to help.
jennbaby
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Re: i don't know if i want to get married any more (very long)
If I were you, I would postpone the wedding.
Why get married for the sake of not hurting your FH? Seems to me you are worried of what your family would say. As for the money you already spent on the wedding, wouldn't you rather lose that, than your freedom you seem to so long for? Also being unhappy is not worth ANY money!
Do what's best for YOU.
Good Luck
Dee7772
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Re: i don't know if i want to get married any more (very long)
I don't really know what to tell you, am Im so sorry for the way you are feeling. Have you spoken to any of your friends, family, fiance about this? When are you getting married? If you truly feel this way, maybe you should think about postponing the wedding, to make sure you are making the right decision. But then again, maybe it is just 'cold feet'.
Valenia
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Re: i don't know if i want to get married any more (very long)
My first reaction while reading your post is that you may be suffering from 'the grass is greener' syndrome... then I saw your age.... I think that 22 is too young, and I'm not surprised you are feeling so confused.
I do not think that the fact he is the only guy you've dated since you were 17 is a problem. You only need to find one guy, and you'll never be able to date everyone. There is no right number of people to date, you just keep trying until you find one that is right. Perhaps you were lucky to find him so young. Personally, I think him being your best bud is much more important then passion. That will last much longer.
The money spent and the involvement with your family should not be a factor in your decision. This is about you and him alone. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him or is there something he isn't doing that you need? In terms of the problems with his family, does he not stand by you when there is conflict with his family?
NovemberSue
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Re: i don't know if i want to get married any more (very long)
I also think that if you are not ready,postponing the wedding may be the best thing. You need to talk to your FH and let him know how you are feeling.Good luck.
jenny2penny
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Re: i don't know if i want to get married any more (very long)
This has got to be hard for you,,and deep down only you know the answer. Does your FH know how you feel? Maybe you should talk to someone about this. Loosing passion is something you BOTH can work on but, that means takling to you fH,,which you should be able to do if you are getting married. How far away is your wedding? Maybejust pospone and see what happends. I only had 1 serious boyfriend, and one Jerk, and then FH came along and I knew he was the one way back then. Do what feels right,,,your loved ones will support you.
NovemberSue
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Re: i don't know if i want to get married any more (very long)
You are very young and perhaps this is really the right guy for you but you aren't ready to get married yet.
karen32
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Re: i don't know if i want to get married any more (very long)
i'm so sorry to hear you're going through this!! i hate to repeat what the other girls said, but they gave great advice - if you're not 100% comfortable, maybe you should postpone. in my world, 22 does seem young, but maybe that's just because i am 30
as for the passion part - i go through that every once and awhile too - he's my future husband, but that doesn't mean i have to be ripping his clothes off every second - sometimes i think we 'glamorize and hollywood-ize' things too much (my mom's expression!!!!).
hope that makes sense.
good luck in your decision!!
HeatherandNick
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Re: i don't know if i want to get married any more (very long)
I agree with Jenn. It seems you are missing the life your friends still have. Perhaps you should postpone the wedding. If you go through with it, you may end up resenting a man you love b/c you miss the life you once had. 22 is young, but there are people that age who get married and are as happy as can be. But you need to be 100% sure this is what you want to do before you go through with it.
I hope you get through this. We are here for you if you want to talk
Julybaby
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Re: i don't know if i want to get married any more (very long)
I think at this point you need to talk to someone, like a therapist. It sounds like you need to sort through your feelings and it is so difficult to do this on your own. Don't be afraid to postpone your wedding if it will make you feel better. Good luck and please keep us posted!
Cindy
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Re: i don't know if i want to get married any more (very long)
After reading this post, what really stands out to me is your age. Some people your age know they want to marry the man they are with. They are lucky to know that. At 22 I would never of been ready to marry. You do have alot that maybe you havent done yet that you will regret later in life. When I was 22 most of my friends were single and we were going out having fun. There is nothing wrong with wanting to do that. I would definetely take some time and try to postpone this. You are so young and have your whole life ahead of you.
avesur
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Re: i don't know if i want to get married any more (very long)
Sorry that you are going through this, but you are not the only one who had felt that way. I did postponed my wedding once, about 2 years or so ago, DH was very stressed out with his work/studies and was just unbereable! so I told him that I was not about to put up with his spoiled behavior, and I felt we were not ready for getting married and I called off the wedding. Thanks God, we had not done any serious planning what so ever (other reason why I was so mad at him) ... and now, we did get married, and I am very happy with him.
Take your time, you are very young and as other have said here, you might want to go to a therapist who can guide you to sort your feelings. No matter how much you spent already ... it is better to lose some of it, than to go into a marriage that you don't want.
good luck!
mishandgerard
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Re: i don't know if i want to get married any more (very long)
There are no reason for you to rush into getting married. You are 22, and maybee you and your fh should take time to get to know ach other again. A friend of mine went through the same thing. It was about 6 months after they got engaged. She broke it off mid nov, slept with my bfriend at the time and got back together with her fh. She took a little time, there engagement was for 2.5 years. She was only 20 when they got engaged and married at 23. They have now been together for a total of 11 years, and will be married for 5 years in nov. I was 24 when we got engaged and 26 when married. Total together 6.5 years. The best thing is talk to your fh. You might need some space, it is all very overwhelming. Another thing to remember is marriage is not the end of your life, its sharing your life with someone you love. There is no reason in gods green earth you should lose who you are when you get married. Most people have that as a fear. DH goes out with his friends all the time, and I go out too. I am not tied to hip, I dont think that is natural. We are not ready to have kids, but we do understand that we can be married and have a life together and still enjoy a life of our own. He goes away with the guys for a weeks vacation and stuff..some people do not understand why I let him. I do not let him anything, we discuss it and if h wants to go and we have nothing planned fine. You should be able to be married and enjoy the freedom of being you. If you need to talk fm and I will give you my number, or we can meet for coffee and just waste time chatting. hugs to you
Jen_n_Dale
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Re: i don't know if i want to get married any more (very long)
I feel for you. When I was younger I was with my high school sweetheart for almost 4 years. I started to think about the whole marriage thing and wondered if he was 'the one'. I started to doubt myself more and more as time went on and started to meet new people and they had friends, etc. etc. We had broken up and I regretted it for a very long time.
Now I am 29 and found someone who is 'the one' that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I think you learn as you get older.
Weigh your pros and cons. Follow your heart. Good luck sweetie.
August2003
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Re: i don't know if i want to get married any more (very long)
Just wanted you to know that i'm thinking of you. Follow your instincts. Maybe postponing the wedding would help. Are you very close to the date?
prncssrachel
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Re: i don't know if i want to get married any more (very long)
Hi, I just wanted to tell you a few things that I have experienced. First, let me say that I am not that much older than you. I turned 24 in Feb. I started dating FH when we were 21, just about 22, and I knew I was going to marry him right away....fine, well, how does this help you? Well, the entire year before I met FH, I had the same feelngs as you. I wanted my freedom, I wanted to be young, I didn't want to be 'off the market'. I had dated someone for 3 years and took a year to just be by myself and have fun. I made friends, went on vacations, dated tons of guys, etc. And as I had just gotten that out of my system, and was feeling like I had had enough partying and wanted something more serious, I met FH. Had I not given myself that year to just be free, I never would have appreciated what I had found in my FH. I think that you owe it to yourself to see these feelings through. It might be hard, but I think the best thing to do it postpone the wedding and follow what you feel inside. Good luck and remember that without your own happiness, nothing else really matters.
dbcrosby
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Re: i don't know if i want to get married any more (very long)
i totally understand how you feel. when i was around your age my FH was talking about marriage and that was not even in my frame of mind. i kind of got scared and rebeled and distanced myself from him. i needed that time to think about if he was the one for me. he was everything you said- my best friend and so comfortable- maybe too comfortable. we took like a 2 week break and then i missed him so much when we got back together we had an instant amazing spark and i never doubted our relationship again. if i didnt take that break our relationship would not be the amazing relationship that it is now. i know that i didnt have as much at stake as you do with an upcoming wedding and all, but you might need to take a small break and think about it. because if you get back together you would no longer have doubts and i'm sure your realtionship would be 10x better becasue you wouldnt have any doubts. if you decided it wasnt right- then better now then later after you sink more money into the wedding and better for all the people involved. if its his family- you dont have to associate yourselves with them. its your marriage and do whats best for the two of you to make you happy.
if it makes you feel better- my good friend has been with her boyfreind since high school- only boyfriend shes ever had. a month ago she had the same thoughts- too comfortable,no spark the whole thing. they took a 3 week break and now its like their relationship is renewed and now they have no second thoughts about their future. i know its easier said then done, but sometimes all you need is break and breathier to see the whole picture.
allure
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Re: i don't know if i want to get married any more (very long)
Best Of Luck in whatever you decide The gals here gave you some really good advice
LisaT
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Re: i don't know if i want to get married any more (very long)
First of all, NEVER settle on a husband. I know people who got married because starting to date again would be too hard - its a mistake.
At 22, and considering marriage, I think you should be feeling passion for each other (even after 5 years). Bring the romance back into your relationship. Being 'comfortable' is great and important, but not enough, in my opinion. You need to be 'in love' with him, not just love him. Are you in love?
Marriage is about starting a life together, not ending your life. That negative view, tells me maybe you're not ready.
Don't worry about the family - just think of yourself right now. Its better to take the time and make the right decision now rather then regret if after the wedding. Postpone, and see how you feel once the wedding pressure is off.
