i don't know if i want to get married any more (very long)
Original post by coldfeet
hi girls. i'm a regular poster, but i need to talk about things i don't really want associated with me so hence the pseudonym. lately i've been getting cold feet. really cold. ice cold. i don't know if i can do this. to be honest it has nothing really to do with my fiance. i love him. he's great. it's more me. i'm starting to feel like i'm ending my life before it's begun. i know that's not the way to feel entering a marriage. you see, my fiance was only my second boyfriend ever. i met him when i was 17 and never dated anyone after. he's my best bud. but sometimes that's the problem. he feels like my best bud. we don't have any passion really anymore. we're just comfortable - happy with each other, but just comfortable. i don't know if comfortable is what i want for the rest of my life. sometimes i think i'm looking for too much. i should be happy. i mean he is a great guy and what more could i want. but part of me thinks maybe i'm settling because he's here and we get along and have been together for sooo long and it's a lot scarier to leave. there have also been big problems with his family. it's gotten to the point where i don't really want to be attached to THEM for the rest of my life. that's just another negative. i just feel like i'm in so deep now and i don't know what to do. i just wish we could go back to just dating so i wouldn't have to be thinking about all this till death do us part stuff. i'm very young (i think) - only just turned 22 and i just wonder if i'm ready for this. i'm the only one of my friends who is engaged and hanging out with them only makes me feel bad - quite frankly i'm jealous of their freedom. i hate my off the market for life status. help. i don't know how this will help, but i just needed to talk to someone. everyone around me is just too involved. my fiance is adored by my whole family, he is a roomate of a family member too. he's like the son my father never had. we work together, not to mention the money we've spent on this wedding. ugh.
Wendy
Posted:
Member since
Re: i don't know if i want to get married any more (very long)
First, let me say that I really feel for you. I agree with those ladies who have suggested that you postpone the wedding. It seems to me that you are far from ready to get married right now. It certainly isn't fair to your FI to marry him feeling as you do. The money and your family or his family, for that matter shouldn't enter into your decision. I would recommend that you speak to your clergyperson or a counselor as soon as possible. You need someone who can be objective to help you sort out your feelings. I wish you much luck. Please let us all know what you decide.
K_MOONLITE
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Re: i don't know if i want to get married any more (very long)
Im sorry you are going through this but if you are feeling like you are not ready do not rush into it. Talk to your fi about tell him how you feel. I also had cold feet at one time. I startied dating my husband when I was 17 and i got engaged when I was 20 and I married him at 22 (sort of like you). If you feel you are not ready then dont rush you have plenty of time to get married and dont worry about the money situation your life is more important.
The Original 2nd-time-around
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Re: i don't know if i want to get married any more (very long)
I'm very sorry that you are going through such a difficult time. Let me tell you that I went through a similar situation. I felt unsure (I believe SOME level of nervousness about such a huge commitment is normal) but I still went through with it. Needless to say, as you can tell by my username, it ended in divorce. He was also my first serious boyfriend, and I felt like I had missed out on things. One beautiful son, and 3 years later, and that was the end of that. Then I dated...ALOT! I experienced new things, things that I felt I'd missed out on. I am now (5 years later!) with my FH, who is probably someone that I never would have been with before my new life experiences, but the more I experienced, the more I knew the things that were important to me. I would definately suggest taking a step back and look at what you have. Talk to your FH about your feelings, and decide together what you want to do. I hope this has helped..>FM me anytime
Bacardi527
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Re: i don't know if i want to get married any more (very long)
My girlfriend got married at 21- she is 33 now- not that she doesnt Love her family- but I know that she regrets getting married so young- they have a regular old marriage but it is so strong and being around them has given me insight to how strong and stable and great a marriage can be- HOWEver- she did not get to do the things that she wanted and is struggling to get her own identity and accomplish her own individual goals- this is a decision that only YOU can make- and as hard as it may be- maybe postpone it especially if you have not experienced life as a single young woman- maybe there is a wise WOMAN that you can have a heart to heart with- and I think you are very brave because alot of people would ignore their feelings and walk down the isle anyway- Good Luck
wenndypoo
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Re: i don't know if i want to get married any more (very long)
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I ended an engagement when I was 22, I can relate to what you are feeling. It was excrutiating, and to this day I can remember the look on his face, but it was absolutley the best decision I made ( for both of us). But it was incredibly difficult. I agree with the the good advice you've gotten so far. You may want to seriously consider post poning your wedding. Find a professional person to talk to that can help you figure this out (not that you don't get great advice here! ). Don't worry about the money, it is the least of your problems at this point. I'm thinking about you, please know you have lots of support here on these boards.
112903
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Member since
Re: i don't know if i want to get married any more (very long)
I am so sorry you have to go through this. But I have to agree with everyone else. Postpone the wedding if you are seriously unsure of what you want. I met FI when I was 22 beforeI met him, I dated lots of guys, went on vacations with my friends and did everything I wanted to do. If that is what you want then do it. I wish you all the luck in making your decision...
BIG HUGS
coldfeet
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Member since
Re: i don't know if i want to get married any more (very long)
i just want to thank all of you for taking the time to read, respond and be so helpful. it feels good to let my fears out and especially to people who are brides themselves. i luckily still have some time before the wedding (about 10 months) so i'm going to spend some time thinking about things. it's hard because i don't want to throw everything that i have away because i want to sow some wild oats because what i have is good and i know that and believe me if i were to try to postpone the wedding it probably would be the same as calling it off - my fh good as he is wouldn't be able to take that. i have tried to talk to him about this, but he doesn't take me seriously - i think he doesn't want to so he plays it off like it's just me being stupid. it's very hard for me to be around my friends because they're in such a different place. many of my friends are guys and they all think i'm nuts. i guess when i'm around them all i start to think i'm nuts too (they all came home from college recently so i think i've been bombarded with feeling like the odd one out and stuff). ok... i've rambled on enough for now. i will keep you posted. thank you all so much.
shamma
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Member since
Re: i don't know if i want to get married any more (very long)
I really commend you for recognizing and acknowledging your feelings. A lot of us as women in this society has been programmed to believe that w/o marriage we are incomplete. If this is how you feel postpone and discuss this with your FI do not go into the marriage with these feelings, it is not fair to you or him. All the best with whatevever you decide. The price you save now will be greater than the emotional loss you will feel later if you carry on with this just to save face and money.
aliciahelene
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Re: i don't know if i want to get married any more (very long)
At first I was going to suggest that you read what noone tells the bride..it was suggested to me when I started getting really comfortable with my fiance and I started FREAKING OUT!! The book helped ma so much and I saw that everything I was going through was normal...I had been in lala land for so long and so in love that when reality set in and he occasionally got on my nerves..I thought it meant I didnt love him..I just didnt know what I was feeling...but anyhow..after I heard how old you are..my suggestion to you is to postpone the wedding. Not that age has much to do with anything when you meet the right person...what concerns me is that you still feel like you should be single..and there is absoluetly nothing wrong with that..you are young..you have every right to want to be single..being single and young is a BLAST..you should enjoy it...can you live without him? Dont marry him because your family loves him...your family loves you more and they would only want whats best for YOU!! Noone is saying you and your fiance even have to break up..maybe just slow the plans down for awhile to give you time to explore other options. NOONE can tell you whether you are just experiencing cold feet or not, we dont know you on a daily basis..only you know whats truly in your heart..i and thats teh beauty of it all..you are young..you have all of the time in the world..there is no rush. Go easy on yourself..be true to yourself and you will find whats best for you!!! I wish you the best of luck in this tough decision. If you guys were just dating, not engaged..would you break up with him in order to be single? Maybe you should start going out with yoru girlfriends and see if its what you want...being single is so much fun..but so is being in love with the right person. You need to see where you are at in your life!! Hang in there...
endlessluv429
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Member since
Re: i don't know if i want to get married any more (very long)
I'm 22 and will be a few weeks short of 24 when we get married & he will be 24 when we get married. I think it's horrible to put an age limit on marriage. It's a matter of maturity, not a #. If you feel that you aren't ready, then you need to tell him and go from there. Don't cancel anything just yet. The grass is not always greener...Having all your friends coming home from college might be contributing to all these feelings. You have time & if you discuss it with him & feel totally relieved afterwards, then you know you went with your gut feeling. good luck! sorry you are going through this.
Scoop
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Re: i don't know if i want to get married any more (very long)
if you still love him than I suggest you take a trip together to rekindle the excitement of your relationship or suggest you go out on weekly 'dates' together.
