I hate having to post about this, but I need to vent.....

I hate having to post about this, but I need to vent.....

I don't even know how to go into this. Part of it has to do with my mother, and part of it has to do with just me. I'm not getting married until July of 2005, but there are plenty of things that I would like to get a start on. My mother is basically 'forbidding' me in one way or another to start my planning. I had to DRAG her to look at reception halls with JT and I (my parents are paying for about 85% of the wedding, BTW), and she FINALLY agreed to put the deposit down on our hall. Luckily she did because prices went up right after that. Anyway....anytime I talk about my wedding, she just gets disgusted that I am even thinking about it since it is so far away. And now that I am living with her, I feel like I am a slave to her opinions. I know that this is partially my own fault for giving in to her, but I feel so terrible and humiliated whenever she ridicules me for wanting to start my planning now. I obviously am not going to run out and pick out flowers and bridesmaids dresses right now, but I think we are in a position where we can at least start looking at photographers and DJs, etc. Her and my father are paying for almost all of this, and they will not give me the money. They insist on holding onto it. Which is fine, but I feel like such a child lately. I feel like I am nuts for being engaged for so long, even though this is what is best for JT and I in the long run. I just feel like I did when I was a teenager and everything they said ended in, 'Well, we pay for this and that, etc, so we can take that away from you if you don't do what we want.' I hate having things held over my head. I keep saying that I will pay for my wedding myself, and they just say, 'Oh, that's ridiculous, we will pay.' But then it goes back to this whole, Well, WE'RE paying, blah, blah. I don't know, I just needed to vent. Thanks.

Re: I hate having to post about this, but I need to vent.....

Don't worry. Your mom will come around. Maybe she is just nervous and this is her twisted way of showing that she is losing her little girl. She'll come around.

Re: I hate having to post about this, but I need to vent.....

Oh, dear. Well, it seems to me that you should certainly be able to look, do research, having meetings, etc. without too much pressure. In fact, you have a good long time to do lots of research. Perhaps you could pitch it to your 'rents as wanting to get them the best value for their money? Or perhaps you could pitch this specifically to your mom as something that you are very excited about doing with her? The money thing is always (always!) tough, I think - it's a really difficult line to walk comfortably. I wish I had better advice, but know that we are all here to support you!

Re: I hate having to post about this, but I need to vent.....

I know exactly how you feel. My mom is paying for most of my wedding and feels she can call the shots on anything. She even had the nerve to tell me I couldn't use a certain song when FH and I enter at our reception. It really stinks having someone hold stuff over your head. Maybe sit down with her and make a list of everything you need and have her agree to go with you to see certain places maybe once a month. Tell her you are excited and just want to plan and have fun. Tell her booking now will save her money. Good Luck!! Parents can be pains in the butt, but sometimes you just have to put up with it.

Re: I hate having to post about this, but I need to vent.....

rachel,
hugs, i can sympathize cause my mother is doing the same thing. Perhaps you can just pick a place, pay the downpayment and then ask them for the rest of the money later on?

Re: I hate having to post about this, but I need to vent.....

You have 2 years to save up yourself. If you feel that they will 'hold onto the money' to spend it the way they see fit or the way she wants it to be, paying for certain things yourself doesn't give them that opportunity.

Re: I hate having to post about this, but I need to vent.....

Re: I hate having to post about this, but I need to vent.....

I know how you feel. Bill and i were engaged for 2 years and now we are getting married in 3 monthes, and it goes really fast. but i had time to do reaserch and all, and it was good. we booked the hall right away and then held off on everything else. your mom has to eralize that your excited and thats why you want to plan, but its a good idea to wait and do research because you never know. we picked our groomsmen too soon and then realized that not all of them were supportive and as well as Bill became closer to other people, so it caused conflict. do you think she is doing this because she doesnt take it seriously??

Re: I hate having to post about this, but I need to vent.....

Can you sit down and talk with her. Two years really isnt that far away. Places do get booked.Its great though if they want to pay for it..and I would definately let them..I wish someone would pay for ours..hehee. Maybe they are low on the cash and were saving up for it and were hoping for alittle more time? Maybe you and yoru fi could take care of the deposits..and then when your parents are ready, they can take of the rest! Could something like that work? cheer up!!!

Re: I hate having to post about this, but I need to vent.....

Rachel, I'm so sorry. I was engaged for a year and 8 months and it went by so quickly. I didn't start planning until a year and a half before the wedding, but I was finding that some people were actually booked for my date so far in advance! What I would do is go to look at DJ's and photographers with your FI and not get your parents involved. And then narrow down your choices without them knowing. The process of meeting with vendors is very time consuming. If you feel like you want to book with someone, then try to put down the deposit yourself. I hope it works out for you.

Re: I hate having to post about this, but I need to vent.....

This is going to sound very radical, Rachel, and I hope no body jumps on me for this but.... is there any reason for you to have it so far away. Maybe you could move it up to next year, 2004. Any month. The reason why is that I had a year long engagement and truth be told, a very similar situation to you. My parents controlled everything b/c they had the money. And the time caused so many problems. My wedding is just 1 1/2 months away, and my parents still act like we have a year until the wedding. It frstrates me to know end. In some ways, they psychologically want to slow this process and hold nto me as a long as possible, but the stress of a long engagement can be tough. I am in love with FH and he makes everything worth it, but I could have pulled this together quicker and spared myself some unneeded stress!!!

Re: I hate having to post about this, but I need to vent.....

Ok Ladies: I have sat back and read a lot of the replies. First off, when you are getting married, you should do it the way that you want it done. Mom and Dad's help is fine. But let's not get it twisted. It is your day not theirs. Look you have exactly two years to pay for an affair the way you envision it to be. Not to be seen through your parents eyes. Each time you and your intended get paid set aside a certain amount and start there. Once your parents see that you can do this, they will back off and then offer to help with something. But as long as you sit back and keep your mouth shut they run the show. You have to get your point across and let them know this is how you want your day. Just let them know, I bet things will work out then! I am curious what does he have to say about all of this? Does he not have so say so!

Re: I hate having to post about this, but I need to vent.....

Thank you everyone for your advice. I do not want to move the wedding up because both JT and I would like to have our masters before we get married and that will not happen in the next year. I'm not concerned at all that my parents will dictate who and what I should use for my wedding, I am just afraid of them wanting to wait TOO long. My mother seems to think 6 months before a wedding is enough time to plan everything, YET, she keeps telling me, 'I want you to have the best of the best for your wedding!' Well, NEWSFLASH! The best of the best books up quickly! Like I said, I am not running out the door to book vendors and buy dresses, but she won't even LOOK at anything regarding my wedding. I just want to enjoy being engaged, and since, in every other way, I am so close with my family, I would like them to enjoy it with me. But they just don't seem to want to. JT and I already decided we will be putting deposits down for our vendors with our own money to avoid my parents complaining about it being too early, so that will help. But I think it's just when she makes comments like, 'I absolutely will not look at that picture because it is TOO early to even think about your wedding', that I really just want to SCREAM! As if showing her a picture of what kind of centerpieces I would like is going to require a life long committment. I know she loves me and JT and she is very happy that we are getting married, but she is just so DAMM weird about it. I'm just feeling like a little kid again and it s u c k s. It doesn't help that I am back living with her for the time being. It's like, when I am on my own and not living with her, she knows she can't say anything about my life and what to do, but when I am here, it's like she resorts to the patterns of when I was 12. UGH! Thanks again ladies!

Re: I hate having to post about this, but I need to vent.....

hi. calm down i totally understand what you are going through- after all we have the same date! we started looking for fun this week at some venders and they all laughed at us for coming so early. some photographers couldnt even give us a price or even tell us what kind of film they would use because they dont know where techonology is going. you have plenty of time. no one is booking up. what you could do now is research where you would want to go and make a tentative schedule. the research alone for us took 2 weeks to composite a list of venders we would want. if you need to vent or have any questions feel free to FM me

Re: I hate having to post about this, but I need to vent.....

I am sorry to hear this. My mom is the same way and my wedding is exactly a year from TODAY! She thinks its too early and doesn't understand. Only difference is we are paying for the whole thing, so she really doesn't have much say.

Re: I hate having to post about this, but I need to vent.....

Re: I hate having to post about this, but I need to vent.....

I agree that maybe, if your parents agree, put the deposits down on your own if you can. There are bookings into 2005 already. Good luck (I can relate- I went through this and now my folks have finally let up- mostly because I have been footing the down payments and we have agreed to pay for everything but the reception).

Re: I hate having to post about this, but I need to vent.....