I have to vent...(long)

One of my bridesmaids has had a really tough life. She grew up in the ghetto, got pregnant at 18, her fiance died and she had to raise her 3 year old son on her own on a secretary's salary, with no help from her or his family. Now, he's 16, and she still works as a secretary. Everyone at her job, including the people she supports, are getting fired, so it looks like she will lose hers soon...

I understand she's going through a lot, and that being a bridesmaid would be a huge burden. So, I offered to pay for everything, so that she could be one of my bridesmaids. I'm paying for her hotel, her dress, her shoes... you get the idea.

We had an appointment to go to the bridal shoppe to get her measured and order the dress yesterday. She calls me at 6pm and tells me 'she just doesn't feel like it'. I can't help but be infuriated. First, cancelling at the last minute is so incredibly rude. But second, I feel like I have to nudge her on to do the slightest of details. I don't want her to feel bad that I'm paying, but at the very least, I'd like her to give back a little by showing up on time!

So I'm thinking of just letting it drop and never mentioning the dress again. I have a feeling she's just going to forget about it anyway. I don't want to keep nudging her and getting frustrated and ending up hating her. What do you think?

Re: I have to vent...(long)

She might be depressed. Have you spoken to her about what's going on in her life, why she would just drop you like that? See what the root of that is, and you'll be in a better position to see if she wants to still be a BM or not.

Re: I have to vent...(long)

I don't think it will be easy for you to let it go, can you e-mail her, if not then I would tell her how you feel, it's best if said honestly and caringly to get it off your chest...do you still want her to be a bm??

Re: I have to vent...(long)

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Posted by bxgell2

So I'm thinking of just letting it drop and never mentioning the dress again. I have a feeling she's just going to forget about it anyway. I don't want to keep nudging her and getting frustrated and ending up hating her. What do you think?

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I agree with you. But bu this statement are you saying that you want to drop her from your bridal party all-together?

Re: I have to vent...(long)

It sounds like she really has had a tough life but people go through it all the time. Take things one at a time and as they come.
It is extremely generous of you to cover all of the expenses and I know that you feel like she shoudl appreciate that and by her cancelling because she 'didn't feel like it' you must be thinking...what the hell is that all about. My advise is to just be patient with her, she has a whole lot on her shoulders and so does she but you have to measure how much she really means to you and if you could really picture your wedding without her. Sit her down and talk to her. Something will hit her and she may come to terms with the idea that this is important to you. Good Luck Sweetie! Try to not worry about it. You have a whole bunch of other things goind on too.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Re: I have to vent...(long)

I think that you should talk with her and find out if she wants to be in the bridal party. Thats really the only way to know for sure. I understand that she's had a hard life, but maybe something else is bothering her?

Re: I have to vent...(long)

I've spoken to her a few times... she actually stopped talking to me for a few weeks, and I was able to patch things up, and pulled out of her that she's seriously depressed. She admitted that if I didn't pay for her expenses she was going to back out of being a bridesmaid. Now, I'm wondering if it isn't just the money, but if she's just not mentally, or emotionally able to handle being involved in a wedding right now. I want her to be part of the bridal party, but I don't want to force her, and I know I'll get seriously resentful if that's how I feel it's going. I'll wait a few days, ask her honestly if she wants to be a bridesmaid... in the meantime, I'm so frustrated.

Re: I have to vent...(long)

I understand, you can't let it bother you this much...sounds like she has her 'own deal' going on and really is not able to consider your feelings, I would look at it that way. Not that she's trying to annoy the crap out of you, just that she is in such a place that she simply cannot think of anyone else but her, it happens, and maybe then you'll feel a little better...give it a few days and then ask her..do you want to be a part of my day?' And really be OK with whatever answer she gives you.....GOOD LUCK!

Re: I have to vent...(long)

I was having some problems with one of my bridesmaids as well. I sat her down and we had a long heart to heart. I explained to her (gently) how I was feeling and I listened to her response.

I told her that I understand her situation, I love her dearly and would never want to lose her friendship because of this, and gave her the choice of whether she still wanted to be a BM. I promised her that if she chose not, nothing would change.

In a way I was wishing she said she didn't because it would be easier for me, in the end she stayed and it's working out great. We really communicate with each other better.

I hope it all works out!! and I hope your friend is ok - serious depression can be dangerous!

Re: I have to vent...(long)

Goodness...I think all Brides go thru this..here's my story...I went thru the exact same thing with my one of closest friends...she was actually my MOH...I offered to pay for everything, dress, hair, nails, make-up, shoes, etc...she is a victim of domestic violence, low-paying job and had to relocate out of state...we had to have 'the talk' eventually...she could not be happy for me honestly and it hurt me, I was always there for her and her son....eventually (just recently) I had to boot her from my bridal party and go with an alternate...it got to be too stressful for me and I could not plan anything she would come up with one excuse after another...I can sleep better at night she will be a guest at our wedding and that's it...after the wedding we'll still be girls but hey that's life and sometimes the choice are hard.

Re: I have to vent...(long)

Maybe this is briniging back bad memories for your friend since her fiance died.

I think you need to let her know she is still welcomed, but if she is not up toit, you'll understand.
Maybe she feels she doesn't have an out, b/c you're paying.

Re: I have to vent...(long)

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Posted by nsgraham

She might be depressed. Have you spoken to her about what's going on in her life, why she would just drop you like that? See what the root of that is, and you'll be in a better position to see if she wants to still be a BM or not.

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i agree

Re: I have to vent...(long)

You are in a tough situation. I would ask her flat out if she can handle being a BM- this is clearly more emotional for her than for most other BM. Tell her that you totally understand and you want her there, in the BP or not, but you want to do what is easier for her. If its too much to be a BM tell her you understand you love her regardless.

As for the serious depression, she needs help. Ask her what you can do to help her and see if she has considered therapy. It sounds like she is not doing too well on her own. Maybe being in someone's wedding is not good for her right now.

Re: I have to vent...(long)

Thanks for all the help! I'll let it go for a few days, and then try to talk to her to see how she feels... I have suggested therapy, but she's one of those girls who is terribly stubborn... she would never do it... so, I'll just have to make sure I'm here for her to vent!