I need to VENT...do you think I am crazy??

Okay, now you ladies know that I took my handsome hubby and adorable son to JCPenney's almost two months ago to have our Christmas family portrait and my son's first Christmas portrait taken. It went great - two beautiful pics to share w/family and friends! I was very happy w/the way they came out, and was looking forward to sending them out.

Now, since the trip to FL for Thanksgiving, and Christmas shopping h*ll, I have been a little late in getting my cards OUT THE DOOR. This is sort of irrelevant to the story, but anyway....

I get a card in the mail yesterday from my MIL, and she wrote in it that she and my FIL enclosed a picture of MY SON in THEIR holiday cards to 'most' of DH's family!!!! I WAS SO UPSET TO READ THIS!!!

I feel that my MIL had NO right to do that w/o calling and asking me what I was sending, and who I was planning to send cards/pics to. This is my first year as a Mom and parent, DH and I are very proud of our new family, and WE [the parents] wanted to be the ones to send pictures of our beautiful little boy. I am not trying to take away my in-laws' happiness over their grandson, but I feel this was NOT their place. My Mom is not sending pics of the baby to her family. I feel totally disrespected and disregarded.
Do you guys think that I am wrong? DH agrees w/me, but we've been bickering about it, b/c I can't get over it and he doesn't want me to stay mad at his parents...everything they do just gets on my nerves!!!

DH wants me to call them directly to say how I feel, but I feel too upset about it, and I think I would let my emotions get the best of me (b/c of other things that have been building up for awhile), and I would ramble on w/o making any sense. What do you think I should say and how do I say it w/o sounding rude?

Aaaarrrrggggggghhhhhh!!!!

Re: I need to VENT...do you think I am crazy??

ok, you're definitely not crazy. I can totally see why you'd be upset. You feel like they stole your thunder and thats totally understandable.

That said, we just got a christmas card from Al's aunt today that had a picture of her and her new twin grandaughters (personally I thought it was a little strange that the parents weren't in the picture also). And for years, my aunt would send pictures of her, my uncle and their grandkids, so I guess its a common practice. I'm sure your in-laws didn't know it would upset you, though they should've checked in.

I don't think it should stop you from sending your pictures. The family will still be very excited to see another picture of Paul (I know I can't get enough of them), so don't let it rain on your parade. Besides, it'll be nice to see a picture of the whole family.

Don't take it personally - I don't think they meant to disrespect you. They just didn't think. It probably wouldn't bother you as much if there weren't other things building up. Did they know you had pictures taken?

You should let them know how you feel about it, but perhaps wait a day or so for your anger and hurt to calm down. You can just mention that of course you were also planning on sending out pictures of Paul's first christmas and you wish they had let you know of their intentions as you'd have liked to be the first to show off your son.

Re: I need to VENT...do you think I am crazy??

Claud,
I second all of Lisa's advice, she put it well.
I dont think they meant to disrespect you. My MIL also has sent pics of John Anthony to family members in the past few months. I know this is a Christmas card thing, so its totally different. If your anger calms down, maybe you can call them, and say in a friendly tone 'thanks for sending pics out, but MOMMY wanted to be the first to show of her big boy !!' or something like that. I can talk to my MIL like that, and not offend her. Its really dependant upon how they would take it, how your relationship with them is, etc...

Dont worry too much about it. I totally understand your anger and in this case I would probably be angry too. but just send out your pictures, and i'm sure your friends/family will just LOVE 2 pictures of your adorable son !!

Re: I need to VENT...do you think I am crazy??

Claud - I thought I was the only one!!! Back in November I took Emma to have her x-mas pics taken at Babies R Us. I had one picutre made into those cute little x-mas cards and some pics just made into pics. My mom and FMIL were there with us. I gave both of the pics of their wonderful first grandchild... About 3 weeks later I was on the phone with FMIL and she told me she was making HER x-mas cards out of the pics I had made of Emma. I was FURIOUS!!! My mom isnt doing that!!! What gives them the right to take the pics of my daughter and send x-mas cards from them to people I sent them to already??? Its the same picture... I paid the $120 for all the pics!!! I am her mother I should be the one to send out pictures of MY daughter... I'm just so mad about this. Its my first x-mas... AHHHHHHHHHHH

Re: I need to VENT...do you think I am crazy??

Claud - I would be upset if I was you - sometimes in-laws do things they think are wonderful and helpful, but seem insulting and disrespectful. I would calmly tell her that in the future, you and your husband will be sending out a family portrait for Christmas, and you would like the relatives to receive it from you, not them. Tell them you appreciate the fact that they are proud and want to show their grandson off, but that you will take care of it from now on. Good Luck

Re: I need to VENT...do you think I am crazy??

Whew! Thanks you guys, for understanding and for your advice.

KP - I never thought I would find someone else that had a MIL like mine! LOL!!! I am sorry that she did that to you, but as you have read, I understand!!!

Hubby called his Mom last night to talk to her about it while I was out shopping. It's true that my MIL didn't mean anything hurtful, and I know that. But, hubby said she also didn't really understand why I'd be bothered by it. I suppose it's just our personality and cultural differences that are in conflict here. The truth is, if she had sent the pics in any old card, I wouldn't have cared. It really was the whole Christmas card thing, and as the Mom, I wanted to be the one to send the pics out.

My MIL and I really do not know each other well at all, making it difficult to converse with her in the casual way that Anna pointed out. I wish I felt comfortable speaking to her that way!

Jeff and I had a great conversation about everything this morning. We agree that it's going to take time for me to get to know his parents, and them to know me. He tried to explain that they really aren't trying to be hurtful, they just don't think twice about certain things. One thing is for sure...my hubby is the BEST for trying to help facilitate the awkward conversations and backing me up when my feelings get hurt! That's why I love him!!!

Re: I need to VENT...do you think I am crazy??

I'm so sorry that this happened. I am sure that your MIL didn't mean any harm.She is probably so proud of her grandchild and wanted to show them off. It was great that your husband talked to her about it so she could realize that you wanted to send out the pictures.Sometimes people think they are doing something good but don't realize it wasn't their place. You should be the ones to do it. I'm glad everything is straightened out and everything is good now.

Re: I need to VENT...do you think I am crazy??

Claud- I am really sorry that your MIL did this. I know she is very proud of her little grandson and wanted to show him off but it is really the PARENT's place to send photo Christmas cards NOT the grandparent's place. I am glad Jeff was supportive and able to speak to her about this. So it isn't Just 'your problem' to deal with. His Mom just doesn't think 'how will Claudine feel about this' ever. Maybe she needs to TRY to get to know you better.

Re: I need to VENT...do you think I am crazy??

Personally, I can't help but notice how lucky you are to have in laws that clearly adore your child, and are so proud. I can't understand curbing their enthusiasm, what a wonderful problem to have.

Re: I need to VENT...do you think I am crazy??

On the contrary Valenia, I'm not trying to curb my in laws' enthusiasm for my child. I am very thankful and grateful that they adore him...I want NOTHING MORE for my son than for him to grow up knowing that he is very loved on BOTH sides of his family. That is something that I was not fortunate to have as a child, so I completely understand and cherish it's value.

I just didn't appreciate the fact that my MIL didn't consider my plans for photo Christmas cards before she decided to send hers. It's more about communication than anything else. And, she comes from a very different family background and culture, so there's bound to be misunderstandings.

Anyway, it's all fine now. She actually just phoned, and we had a great conversation. I think we both have the same 'vision' for how we'd like our relationship to evolve. But, we also recognize that there's a lot of work we have to do to get to know each other better. It is not just my MIL's responsibility to get to know ME. It works both ways.

Thanks for everyone's advice/input.

Re: I need to VENT...do you think I am crazy??

Just wanted to clarify Claud- that I feel that you are very open to getting to know her. That is why I said she has to make an effort to get to know you too. All relationships are 2-way streets.

Re: I need to VENT...do you think I am crazy??

I agree with the others Claud, I'd be upset too. Personally, during Christmastime, I RUN to the mailbox everyday in anticipation of all the beautiful faces that come to our house via Christmas cards every year. (and just the regular cards too ) So if I was planning on sending out my son's picture to family and friends and someone beat me to the punch, I'd feel like someone pulled the rug out from under me.

But lemme tell 'ya - They will be twice as lucky to get your beautiful photos as well!