So, I really just don't know what to do at this point. I asked my friend in Nov. to stand up and be my MOH. We are having a super small bridal party and it was a very hard decision to just pick one friend since we are having a small bridal party consisting of family. When I asked her, she said yes, but seemed resistant and started telling me when she needs the showers and told me she can't plan the bach party because she's not from this area. I told her I understood, and that I just wanted a good friend up there with me, and that the shower and bach party would be taken care of by my mom and in town friends so it's a non issue. But then she started about money. I gave her plenty of opportunities to back out at that point, and told her I would just give her a ceremony part if it was too much of a strain and that I understood. She said she wanted to do it.
Fast forward to today when she sends me a text that we need to talk about my wedding. She sent me massive texts about how she doesn't know if she can really be there for me because she is getting married in April and can't afford a honeymoon right now, and another friend is getting married in June and between the shower and her bach party she just won't have enough money. SHe said she was going to try to get out of the bach party for her friend so she had some money for my wedding stuff. But that she can only participate in prewedding festivities if they are both on a sat in August because she can't take off from work in August and already has to take off in Nov. for the wedding. I keep giving her an out, even though I'm completely upset (and I'm a bridesmaid in her upcoming wedding!) She says we'll talk tomorrow but I'm stuck and really don't know what to do, or say or how to even handle this. It's too far after the fact to ask someone else, and I'm not sure if I even would want too at this point. Sorry I needed to vent... :/
cets1290
Posted:
Member since
I think my MOH is backing out - Long Island Weddings
okay so I think it's really unfair of her to do this to you. Your wedding isn't for 10 months, and your friend will be married in 3 months. That gives her like 7 months to save up for your wedding festivities after her wedding... I was my sister's MOH when I was only 20 yrs. old and was only babysitting here and there, and I managed to pay for her bachelorette stuff, shower invites, her cookware set as her shower gift along with lots of group bridal party gifts, my BM dress, and my hair and makeup on the day of.. and if I can manage so can your friend. She has more than enough time to save up for it, even if that means throwing $20 in an envelope every week until your wedding.
In her defense (sort of lol), I'm sure she is really stressed with her wedding coming up, and all of her major wedding payments are probably starting to creep up on her... but I think that she will regret backing out now in the future because once her wedding happens and she gets all the wedding gifts, she will be more financially able to participate in your wedding stuff. However, one the biggest rules about agreeing to be in someones bridal party is to never complain to the bride about finances or things like that... It's unfair to you to have to hear that, and then it makes you feel bad for putting her in a financial burden- but you shouldn't be made to feel that way because she really shouldn't be complaining to you about it. She accepted the role, so she should just keep quiet, relax, save a little money here and there, and just do it! lol
coffeeisgreen
Posted:
Member since
Re: I think my MOH is backing out
Posted by cets1290
okay so I think it's really unfair of her to do this to you. Your wedding isn't for 10 months, and your friend will be married in 3 months. That gives her like 7 months to save up for your wedding festivities after her wedding... I was my sister's MOH when I was only 20 yrs. old and was only babysitting here and there, and I managed to pay for her bachelorette stuff, shower invites, her cookware set as her shower gift along with lots of group bridal party gifts, my BM dress, and my hair and makeup on the day of.. and if I can manage so can your friend. She has more than enough time to save up for it, even if that means throwing $20 in an envelope every week until your wedding.
In her defense (sort of lol), I'm sure she is really stressed with her wedding coming up, and all of her major wedding payments are probably starting to creep up on her... but I think that she will regret backing out now in the future because once her wedding happens and she gets all the wedding gifts, she will be more financially able to participate in your wedding stuff. However, one the biggest rules about agreeing to be in someones bridal party is to never complain to the bride about finances or things like that... It's unfair to you to have to hear that, and then it makes you feel bad for putting her in a financial burden- but you shouldn't be made to feel that way because she really shouldn't be complaining to you about it. She accepted the role, so she should just keep quiet, relax, save a little money here and there, and just do it! lol
Couldn't have said it better!!!
Lguido
Posted:
Member since
Re: I think my MOH is backing out
Posted by cets1290
okay so I think it's really unfair of her to do this to you. Your wedding isn't for 10 months, and your friend will be married in 3 months. That gives her like 7 months to save up for your wedding festivities after her wedding... I was my sister's MOH when I was only 20 yrs. old and was only babysitting here and there, and I managed to pay for her bachelorette stuff, shower invites, her cookware set as her shower gift along with lots of group bridal party gifts, my BM dress, and my hair and makeup on the day of.. and if I can manage so can your friend. She has more than enough time to save up for it, even if that means throwing $20 in an envelope every week until your wedding.
In her defense (sort of lol), I'm sure she is really stressed with her wedding coming up, and all of her major wedding payments are probably starting to creep up on her... but I think that she will regret backing out now in the future because once her wedding happens and she gets all the wedding gifts, she will be more financially able to participate in your wedding stuff. However, one the biggest rules about agreeing to be in someones bridal party is to never complain to the bride about finances or things like that... It's unfair to you to have to hear that, and then it makes you feel bad for putting her in a financial burden- but you shouldn't be made to feel that way because she really shouldn't be complaining to you about it. She accepted the role, so she should just keep quiet, relax, save a little money here and there, and just do it! lol
This!!!
haw4
Posted:
Member since
I think my MOH is backing out - Long Island Weddings
Thanks for your input. I get that she's stressed, she has her wedding as well as another friends bridal shower and bachlorette party on top of mine which is why I've given her an out SEVERAL times. I've been trying so hard to accommodate her, just asking her to come to the shower which my mom is hosting. You're right, as a BM, when you say yes, you just do things and keep quiet. I mean, I've kept quiet about her wedding (lol).
I'm nervous for our talk today.
Thanks again ladies!
Lguido
Posted:
Member since
I think my MOH is backing out - Long Island Weddings
If she backs out of your wedding, I wouldn't be a bridesmaid in her wedding!
Alimm729
Posted:
Member since
Re: I think my MOH is backing out
Posted by cets1290
okay so I think it's really unfair of her to do this to you. Your wedding isn't for 10 months, and your friend will be married in 3 months. That gives her like 7 months to save up for your wedding festivities after her wedding... I was my sister's MOH when I was only 20 yrs. old and was only babysitting here and there, and I managed to pay for her bachelorette stuff, shower invites, her cookware set as her shower gift along with lots of group bridal party gifts, my BM dress, and my hair and makeup on the day of.. and if I can manage so can your friend. She has more than enough time to save up for it, even if that means throwing $20 in an envelope every week until your wedding.
In her defense (sort of lol), I'm sure she is really stressed with her wedding coming up, and all of her major wedding payments are probably starting to creep up on her... but I think that she will regret backing out now in the future because once her wedding happens and she gets all the wedding gifts, she will be more financially able to participate in your wedding stuff. However, one the biggest rules about agreeing to be in someones bridal party is to never complain to the bride about finances or things like that... It's unfair to you to have to hear that, and then it makes you feel bad for putting her in a financial burden- but you shouldn't be made to feel that way because she really shouldn't be complaining to you about it. She accepted the role, so she should just keep quiet, relax, save a little money here and there, and just do it! lol
This. I couldn't have said it better. Also, it's REALLY unfair for her to say, please be in my wedding and pay for all of those things but I'm not going to be able to do the same for you after I already said yes I would.
karebear1
Posted:
Member since
Re: I think my MOH is backing out
Posted by haw4
So, I really just don't know what to do at this point. I asked my friend in Nov. to stand up and be my MOH. We are having a super small bridal party and it was a very hard decision to just pick one friend since we are having a small bridal party consisting of family. When I asked her, she said yes, but seemed resistant and started telling me when she needs the showers and told me she can't plan the bach party because she's not from this area. I told her I understood, and that I just wanted a good friend up there with me, and that the shower and bach party would be taken care of by my mom and in town friends so it's a non issue. But then she started about money. I gave her plenty of opportunities to back out at that point, and told her I would just give her a ceremony part if it was too much of a strain and that I understood. She said she wanted to do it.
Fast forward to today when she sends me a text that we need to talk about my wedding. She sent me massive texts about how she doesn't know if she can really be there for me because she is getting married in April and can't afford a honeymoon right now, and another friend is getting married in June and between the shower and her bach party she just won't have enough money. SHe said she was going to try to get out of the bach party for her friend so she had some money for my wedding stuff. But that she can only participate in prewedding festivities if they are both on a sat in August because she can't take off from work in August and already has to take off in Nov. for the wedding. I keep giving her an out, even though I'm completely upset (and I'm a bridesmaid in her upcoming wedding!) She says we'll talk tomorrow but I'm stuck and really don't know what to do, or say or how to even handle this. It's too far after the fact to ask someone else, and I'm not sure if I even would want too at this point. Sorry I needed to vent... :/
Yikes! I just went through this! MY MOH who has also been my BFF for the past 20 years dropped out!!!! I kept giving her outs too because i felt bad. She also was having financial issues, started a new job, and lives in syracuse. I kept giving her outs and finally she just told me two weeks ago that she can't be my MOH or a BRIDESMAID!!! I told her i wasn't mad but i was very upset and sad. All my life i imagined her up there with me! And, to be honest, i didn't want to fight with her. Its her choice and i feel like in the end when she is at my wedding she is going to feel guilty and ashamed. I invited her whole family as guests! and i know they are expecting to see her up there and her daughter was supposed to be a flower girl. Anyway, i had to ask my cousin to step up who was a bridesmaid and now my bridal party is uneven and i am just brushing it off my shoulders...i will just have two guys walk with one girl.
I think you should hear what your friend has to say and take it from there. But, if she drops out, i definitely would drop out of her wedding! It's not fair! You have expenses and things you need to pay also!!!
boridizzy
Posted:
Member since
I think my MOH is backing out - Long Island Weddings
I had one of my long time friend's drop out. I asked her right after I got engage in March of last year. In December is when she decided to drop out because of financial and religious reasons. It was so frustrating!! Like your religion and financial situation was the same when I asked you. And like @cets1290 said, when you accept you should just be quiet and do what you're told lol. But anyway, it was very upset but like @karebear1 said when she comes to the wedding she will definitely regret her decision. With your MOH, I think it will be the same. At the end it hurts us but now they have to live with the regret of not being there for us and they'll have to live with the effect it'll have on your friendship.
karebear1
Posted:
Member since
Re: I think my MOH is backing out
Posted by boridizzy
I had one of my long time friend's drop out. I asked her right after I got engage in March of last year. In December is when she decided to drop out because of financial and religious reasons. It was so frustrating!! Like your religion and financial situation was the same when I asked you. And like @cets1290 said, when you accept you should just be quiet and do what you're told lol. But anyway, it was very upset but like @karebear1 said when she comes to the wedding she will definitely regret her decision. With your MOH, I think it will be the same. At the end it hurts us but now they have to live with the regret of not being there for us and they'll have to live with the effect it'll have on your friendship.
KTF11
Posted:
Member since
I think my MOH is backing out - Long Island Weddings
I mostly agree with what everyone here has said. But, one thing to be devil's advocate.. I don't think necessitates you dropping out of her wedding. Although I understand the impulse to do it, I think that is a little childish. You should really consider and decide for yourself if you want to be part of her wedding. It shouldn't be a tit for tat situation. And, if you just drop out to be spiteful you also with have to live with many of the same feelings the girls are describing that the person who dropped out of your wedding will have. I'm just saying think about it before you make any rash decisions.
haw4
Posted:
Member since
I think my MOH is backing out - Long Island Weddings
Thanks everyone for your advice! We hashed it out this morning. Everything seems resolved. I have to say that I'm a little hesitant going forward, but she knows she screwed up by saying certain things and genuinely feels bad, so we are trying to move on from this. I never had the intention of backing out of her wedding. Thanks again for listening. Hopefully it's smooth sailing from here.
MrsDtoBe
Posted:
Member since
I think my MOH is backing out - Long Island Weddings
I was in three weddings this past year and the first half of the year I was student teaching (where you DON'T get paid). It was truly a financial struggle to be at every shower, dinner/get together, bach party for everyone and while I b*tched and moaned to my mom about it, I would never have let any of the brides know it was an issue because I wouldn't want them to feel bad.
At the end of the day, while it's great that she's getting married - she shouldn't lose sight of the fact that you are too and all you're asking is for her to be there for you. You've given her more than enough notice and I think it's selfish of her to expect that you'd be there for her and not do the same in return. Just my opinion. Good luck!
haw4
Posted:
Member since
I think my MOH is backing out - Long Island Weddings
I completely agree with you and everyone here. (She has no pre wedding festivities, she didn't want any and her wedding it out of town, college friend)I'm still upset but she swears she still wants to be my moh and I thinking me telling her how I really felt scared her. I've never been so honest so I'm hoping this whipped her into shape. I told her you're in you're in and I don't want to hear anymore complaining.
Karin
Posted:
Member since
I think my MOH is backing out - Long Island Weddings
Just be prepared with a back up plan if she backs out at the last minute.
marisac5414
Posted:
Member since
I think my MOH is backing out - Long Island Weddings
I agree to be prepared with a backup plan.. I just had my maid of honor back out. She lead me on since November 2012 .. saying she had no money, no time, etc. but she still wanted to be my maid of honor. I ended up adding a matron of honor because my best friend and i rekindled our friendship. I ended up signing the makeup and hair contract on a Monday.. she decided Wednesday morning to back out! I was so livid. we haven't talked since!
MsErikaLynn
Posted:
Member since
Re: I think my MOH is backing out
Posted by cets1290
okay so I think it's really unfair of her to do this to you. Your wedding isn't for 10 months, and your friend will be married in 3 months. That gives her like 7 months to save up for your wedding festivities after her wedding... I was my sister's MOH when I was only 20 yrs. old and was only babysitting here and there, and I managed to pay for her bachelorette stuff, shower invites, her cookware set as her shower gift along with lots of group bridal party gifts, my BM dress, and my hair and makeup on the day of.. and if I can manage so can your friend. She has more than enough time to save up for it, even if that means throwing $20 in an envelope every week until your wedding.
In her defense (sort of lol), I'm sure she is really stressed with her wedding coming up, and all of her major wedding payments are probably starting to creep up on her... but I think that she will regret backing out now in the future because once her wedding happens and she gets all the wedding gifts, she will be more financially able to participate in your wedding stuff. However, one the biggest rules about agreeing to be in someones bridal party is to never complain to the bride about finances or things like that... It's unfair to you to have to hear that, and then it makes you feel bad for putting her in a financial burden- but you shouldn't be made to feel that way because she really shouldn't be complaining to you about it. She accepted the role, so she should just keep quiet, relax, save a little money here and there, and just do it! lol
