the latest dilemna is holidays. Actually, it's always been a bone of contention with me and my FH. The problem is that I feel like my FH is only making holidays an issue to 'make a point'. He KNOWS that holidays mean the WORLD to me... they don't mean as much to him or his family. Yet, I have gone ABOVE AND BEYOND to SPLIT holidays EQUALLY - which is a big sacrifice for me to have to leave my family's holidays in the middle of our celebration. We do 4 hours with my family - 4 hours with his. He finds that 'inconvenient'. I feel like my family is always trying to accomodate his family's holiday schedule, even though my mom feels that the guy should go with the girl (I have tried to tell her that that is not the case). In pre-Cana last night, he said he would like to alternate holidays. I can NOT - in million YEARS - ever FATHOM NOT seeing my family on a holiday. The thing is, he has gone many times in his past without seeing his family when he was living in all parts of the country in a past relationship and when he was in the airforce. I hate to say it, but I think he somehow resents how close I am with my family and looks at it as 'having my way' that I see them for every holiday - even though we see his family equally. Even for Mother's Day, his mom wasn't even in NY (she lives in FL), but his sister planned her son's 4th B-day party ON Mother's Day, and my FH resented the fact that we had to leave the party to go have dinner with MY mom! He was leaving and saying to everyone, 'It was nice seeing you for 20 minutes.'. I resented his sister even PLANNED the birthday ON Mother's Day, when his nephew's b-day was a week and a half before Mother's Day, and their mother wasn't even up for it. And they all made it like I was the bad person that I had to leave to go celebrate MY mother, who is the MOST generous person for us. I asked Joe to ask his sister for next year to not make the b-day on Mother's Day, and he made it like I was being selfish!! His MOM isn't even HERE! WHY THAT DAY?!?!? My parents are there for us in EVERY WAY POSSIBLE... whether it's buying us paper towels with grapes on it because it matches our decor or our patio furniture or hearing we're low on funds and offering to help or paying for our WEDDING - they are the most generous people to us and they do it because they love us. Yet I don't feel like my FH gives my parents the appreciation and respect they deserve. I don't know... it's an issue and it scares me. I am in such awe of my parents love for us - especially lately - and it stinks to think that my FH somehow resents it. We don't have that relationship with my FH's family, yet I give THEM unending respect and bend over backwards for them - yet I always feel like they ask more of us than help us. In fact, they keep complaining about the costs of our wedding and being part of the bridal party! It's just so upsetting! I don't know what to do. My FH has a blinder up as far as what my family does for us and what his family doesn't do for us. I don't treat his family any different despite what they DON'T do, but he doesn't treat my family any different despite EVERYTHING they do do! I don't know... I feel lost and I know I'm rambling... I'm just so upset.
kathrynlinton
Posted:
Member since
Re: I want to cry...
First of all
Second, I can't say that I've been in this situation, DH's family is all over the place, and mine is here, so we spend all holidays with my family....BUT growing up, we split holidays. Christmas Eve with my paternal family and Christmas Day with my maternal, for example. You need to compromise a little.....but you need to be comfortable with the compromise. Like, maybe you and FH host holidays and invite everyone (after my aunt got married on my dad's side, my grandmother just joined my moms side). But holidays are supposed to be joyful occasions, work with it and you will find something that fits.
LBride
Posted:
Member since
Re: I want to cry...
I had a hard time with these things in the beginning because I'm VERY attached to my family. I was even thinking of not changing my name because i was giving up 'my family.' in a way. and then my brother said, that you're not giving up your family but forming a new family TOGETHER. I liked the idea that was suggested for doing the major holidays at your house and inviting both sides. My FH's mom always invites my parents, sister, and brother and we do the same. It works out nice
suven
Posted:
Member since
Re: I want to cry...
Realistically, one member of the relationship isn't going to get to see his/her family for EVERY holiday. It just isn't going to happen- especially once babies come along.
It was an adjustment for me when I started alternating holidays, but I think it's only fair that DH and I get to spend a full day at one place rather than spending several hours of the holiday driving around.
