I want to cry...

Everyone and Everything is giving me stress...

the latest dilemna is holidays. Actually, it's always been a bone of contention with me and my FH. The problem is that I feel like my FH is only making holidays an issue to 'make a point'. He KNOWS that holidays mean the WORLD to me... they don't mean as much to him or his family. Yet, I have gone ABOVE AND BEYOND to SPLIT holidays EQUALLY - which is a big sacrifice for me to have to leave my family's holidays in the middle of our celebration. We do 4 hours with my family - 4 hours with his. He finds that 'inconvenient'. I feel like my family is always trying to accomodate his family's holiday schedule, even though my mom feels that the guy should go with the girl (I have tried to tell her that that is not the case). In pre-Cana last night, he said he would like to alternate holidays. I can NOT - in million YEARS - ever FATHOM NOT seeing my family on a holiday. The thing is, he has gone many times in his past without seeing his family when he was living in all parts of the country in a past relationship and when he was in the airforce. I hate to say it, but I think he somehow resents how close I am with my family and looks at it as 'having my way' that I see them for every holiday - even though we see his family equally. Even for Mother's Day, his mom wasn't even in NY (she lives in FL), but his sister planned her son's 4th B-day party ON Mother's Day, and my FH resented the fact that we had to leave the party to go have dinner with MY mom! He was leaving and saying to everyone, 'It was nice seeing you for 20 minutes.'. I resented his sister even PLANNED the birthday ON Mother's Day, when his nephew's b-day was a week and a half before Mother's Day, and their mother wasn't even up for it. And they all made it like I was the bad person that I had to leave to go celebrate MY mother, who is the MOST generous person for us. I asked Joe to ask his sister for next year to not make the b-day on Mother's Day, and he made it like I was being selfish!! His MOM isn't even HERE! WHY THAT DAY?!?!? My parents are there for us in EVERY WAY POSSIBLE... whether it's buying us paper towels with grapes on it because it matches our decor or our patio furniture or hearing we're low on funds and offering to help or paying for our WEDDING - they are the most generous people to us and they do it because they love us. Yet I don't feel like my FH gives my parents the appreciation and respect they deserve. I don't know... it's an issue and it scares me. I am in such awe of my parents love for us - especially lately - and it stinks to think that my FH somehow resents it. We don't have that relationship with my FH's family, yet I give THEM unending respect and bend over backwards for them - yet I always feel like they ask more of us than help us. In fact, they keep complaining about the costs of our wedding and being part of the bridal party! It's just so upsetting! I don't know what to do. My FH has a blinder up as far as what my family does for us and what his family doesn't do for us. I don't treat his family any different despite what they DON'T do, but he doesn't treat my family any different despite EVERYTHING they do do! I don't know... I feel lost and I know I'm rambling... I'm just so upset.

Well I don't think you should cry.

These types of arguments are pretty common, and thought is terrible right now I think you can work this out.

I know you're opposed to switching/alternating holidays but a lot of people do that and find that it is much less stressful. Perhaps you can try it and see how it feels? If you don't want to alternate maybe you should start at his family and then move over to yours?

Also -- have you considered having the holidays at your house and having your parents and his parents there?

As for mother's day -- I agree that it is pretty inconvenient for someone to plan something ON mother's day -- but you can always take you mother out the day before, and it is usually much cheaper that way.

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Posted by hocus

Well I don't think you should cry.

These types of arguments are pretty common, and thought is terrible right now I think you can work this out.

I know you're opposed to switching/alternating holidays but a lot of people do that and find that it is much less stressful. Perhaps you can try it and see how it feels? If you don't want to alternate maybe you should start at his family and then move over to yours?

Also -- have you considered having the holidays at your house and having your parents and his parents there?

As for mother's day -- I agree that it is pretty inconvenient for someone to plan something ON mother's day -- but you can always take you mother out the day before, and it is usually much cheaper that way.

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Awwww sweetie!! I agree!!!

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Posted by sarahradio5

Everyone and Everything is giving me stress...

the latest dilemna is holidays. Actually, it's always been a bone of contention with me and my FH. The problem is that I feel like my FH is only making holidays an issue to 'make a point'. He KNOWS that holidays mean the WORLD to me... they don't mean as much to him or his family. Yet, I have gone ABOVE AND BEYOND to SPLIT holidays EQUALLY - which is a big sacrifice for me to have to leave my family's holidays in the middle of our celebration. We do 4 hours with my family - 4 hours with his. He finds that 'inconvenient'. I feel like my family is always trying to accomodate his family's holiday schedule, even though my mom feels that the guy should go with the girl (I have tried to tell her that that is not the case). In pre-Cana last night, he said he would like to alternate holidays. I can NOT - in million YEARS - ever FATHOM NOT seeing my family on a holiday. The thing is, he has gone many times in his past without seeing his family when he was living in all parts of the country in a past relationship and when he was in the airforce. I hate to say it, but I think he somehow resents how close I am with my family and looks at it as 'having my way' that I see them for every holiday - even though we see his family equally. Even for Mother's Day, his mom wasn't even in NY (she lives in FL), but his sister planned her son's 4th B-day party ON Mother's Day, and my FH resented the fact that we had to leave the party to go have dinner with MY mom! He was leaving and saying to everyone, 'It was nice seeing you for 20 minutes.'. I resented his sister even PLANNED the birthday ON Mother's Day, when his nephew's b-day was a week and a half before Mother's Day, and their mother wasn't even up for it. And they all made it like I was the bad person that I had to leave to go celebrate MY mother, who is the MOST generous person for us. I asked Joe to ask his sister for next year to not make the b-day on Mother's Day, and he made it like I was being selfish!! His MOM isn't even HERE! WHY THAT DAY?!?!? My parents are there for us in EVERY WAY POSSIBLE... whether it's buying us paper towels with grapes on it because it matches our decor or our patio furniture or hearing we're low on funds and offering to help or paying for our WEDDING - they are the most generous people to us and they do it because they love us. Yet I don't feel like my FH gives my parents the appreciation and respect they deserve. I don't know... it's an issue and it scares me. I am in such awe of my parents love for us - especially lately - and it stinks to think that my FH somehow resents it. We don't have that relationship with my FH's family, yet I give THEM unending respect and bend over backwards for them - yet I always feel like they ask more of us than help us. In fact, they keep complaining about the costs of our wedding and being part of the bridal party! It's just so upsetting! I don't know what to do. My FH has a blinder up as far as what my family does for us and what his family doesn't do for us. I don't treat his family any different despite what they DON'T do, but he doesn't treat my family any different despite EVERYTHING they do do! I don't know... I feel lost and I know I'm rambling... I'm just so upset.

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Wow! Who does that Plan a kid party for Mother's Day when the kids birthday is 10 days or more before Mother's Day I always thought Mother's Day was sort of off limits for trying to plan any sort of event except being with your mom if she lives close by

There is no need to cry over it. Since this came up in pre-cana, what did your pastor suggest

This is something that needs to be resolved soon. It will become a bigger issue later if you move closer to one set of parents than the other....or if one set of parents moves to another state. What if you have to fly to another state for holidays (assuming parents move or the two of you move) and splitting time is not feasible.

Most couples alternate holidays. We alternate as well.

thank you. I just don't think my family is the one that should have to budge for his. Why should 'Mother's Day' have to move for a 4 year old's birthday party, which should have been the weekend before? When I got that invitation in the mail without any warning, I was seeing RED. My mother had Mother's Day reservations for almost 2 months - and deserves to have the BEST Mother's Day because she's an angel on earth. I will never take any holiday away from her.

The thing is, I feel that my FH should see how much holidays mean to me and make an effort to compromise or work with me to come up with a solution, instead of arguing over the existing compromise we currently have worked out, which is splitting the day for each holiday. If you ask me what my favorite thing in life is, it's holidays. That's not true for him. He told me when we first got together that holidays are not a big deal in his family. His mother just told me the same thing a week ago! Yet, he's making it a tit for tat type issue and causing an argument every time - and I don't know why. We spend more time with his family throughout the year than mine. But holidays are HUGE with my family. And it's equal time on holidays with his family and mine, who live 15 minutes from each other, so I don't understand why that's not good enough - and why I have to be put through this heart ache.

I have this issue as well with the holidays. FH and I are both extremely close to our families and both are obsessed with the holidays. When we first started dating we talked about doing Thanksgiving with his family (this one is a more important holiday for his family) and Christmas with mine (the more important one to us). I thought this was how it was going to be until this year when he sprung on me that maybe starting next year we'll alternate. There is a lot more to the story, but I know the only reason he said that is because his mom is upset if we are not with them for xmas. It's so difficult because my family lives on LI and his in PA so it is difficult to split time.
I'm hoping when we have kids everyone will come to us!

What did your pre-cana leader suggest? Did he give you any suggestions for how to talk about it with each other?

Sorry you are going through this.

i have to agree with that bday party. my daughter's bday fell on mother's day this year...yikes. it was also thepenn state graduation....so that's where we were...we still haven't done mother's day for me or FMIL...but we'll get to it. for once, something trumped it. my daughter has to wait until next week for her bday party b/c of it all! luckilly she's 5 and a good sport about it.

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Posted by akaMrsT

Wow! Who does that Plan a kid party for Mother's Day when the kids birthday is 10 days or more before Mother's Day I always thought Mother's Day was sort of off limits for trying to plan any sort of event except being with your mom if she lives close by

There is no need to cry over it. Since this came up in pre-cana, what did your pastor suggest

This is something that needs to be resolved soon. It will become a bigger issue later if you move closer to one set of parents than the other....or if one set of parents moves to another state. What if you have to fly to another state for holidays (assuming parents move or the two of you move) and splitting time is not feasible.

Most couples alternate holidays. We alternate as well.

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I know! That's what is so upsetting! The SIL is NOT making this ANY easier on us, and I almost feel like it's intentional. Maybe it's not, but at the very least, there's no regard or respect for my family in all of this. And there's no regard for the fact that we don't get to spend the full time with everyone at the kid's party because we have to leave for Mother's Day dinner. Have it the week before so that we can enjoy the whole day with everyone and not have to leave!

As far as alternating, I can't. I personally can't be 15 minutes away from my family and not be with them for a holiday, even if it's just half the day. His mom moved down to Florida, but I will never go down to Florida for a holiday... we will split the day when she comes up to her kids up here.

I'm sure one day, we will end up hosting one of the holidays, My SIL hosts Easter. My mom does Christmas and Thanksgiving. My FH's sister now does all the holidays on his side since their mom move to FL.

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Posted by Katie&Chris2006

What did your pre-cana leader suggest? Did he give you any suggestions for how to talk about it with each other?

Sorry you are going through this.

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my one pre-Cana leader said we just have to compromise... the other one said that I was being selfish by not wanting to alternate! And that I have to remember that I am not an 'I' anymore... I'm a 'WE'. I almost felt like exploding. If she only KNEW. I do EVERYTHING for my FH. I am SO generous to him and his family. My family is so generous to US. I really am the ideal 'wife' (if I do say so myself). Now, my FH has said repeatedly in pre-Cana that one of the things that attracted him to me was the closeness I had with my family since he didn't have that. (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). Funny that this is now the one thing that is causing a problem.

Another issue that will be coming up soon is Father's Day. I never met my FH's dad... he passed away about 10 years ago. My FH has a lot of guilt and sadness about his dad's death. My FH doesn't think it's fair of me to expect him to celebrate Father's Day with my family. Meanwhile, my family will see it as completely disrespectful if he isn't there celebrating MY dad who does SO much for US. I understand my FH's pain and can't IMAGINE it and it is such a tough subject and situation, so I don't even know what to do. But even our pre-Cana couple said that the husband's mom had passed away, and it was tough for the guy, but out of respect for his wife, he celebrated mother's day with her mom. So, EVERY HOLIDAY IS AN ISSUE!

Even our NEPHEWS (my GODSON) have the SAME BIRTHDAY coming up! (July 5th!).

We had similar issues. I'm very close with my extended family and he is not as close with a lot of his (except the ones he sees on Christmas Eve). He told me that since we're in Rockland County and my family is on Long Island, we'd alternate each holiday instead of splitting (I was for splitting some Thanksgiving and then doing Christmas Eve one place and Christmas another). I negociated and said we'll alternate Thanksgiving. Unfortunately, he's in the FDNY so we will not get to spend holidays together all of the time.

Well, for our first 'trial run', we did Thanksgiving at his parents house. His mother volunteered to host it (after nobody else did) at their house for her cousins and some of their children. So basically, FH had to prepare Thanksgiving dinner for 20 people. I left after dinner to meet my family for dessert and he stayed. A few weeks later he told me that he will be spending every Thanksgiving at his house as long as his mom hosts it. I got angry because he just made his decision after we agreed upon something. He felt that since we spend all of our holidays at the same place in my family (my grandfather's) a holiday is a holiday. I was annoyed because I'm close with the people I'm spending Thanksgiving with and he isn't (the people ate and ran which is a foreign concept to me).

We haven't come to a holiday resolution as of yet. I'm fine with splitting, doing dinner with his family and getting to mine for dessert or alternating but, he has to make some compromises on this one too.

I can completely feel your pain!!! I have argued with FH for all 8 years we've dated about holiday. We live on LI, where HIS family lives, and my family lives upstate. We see his family 3-5 times a week, every week!! We're here for family dinners, b-day parties, Easter, christenings, etc. for his family, and it's hard to make it upstate for all of my family's events. He is SUPER close with his mother and brother and extended family, I mean REALLY close where they love spending every second together possible (which is a whole other issue!!)

Anyway...FH and I still, to this day, have not EVER spent Thanks. or Christmas together, EVER! It's pathetic! I travel upstate, by myself, for them both, every year. I have always felt that I would rather be able to see my family several times a week, every week like he does, and then sacrifice a holiday for that luxury. He has never understood that. I've always asked him to just go w/me to my mom's upstate for Thanksgiving, then he can stay down here for Christmas. It has been a source of horrible fights every single year, without fail.

He finally agreed to go to my family's for Thanksgiving this coming year, but I'm not holding my breath on that one. We'll be married by then, and may still not celebrate the holidays together. Having our families come to our house is not as simple as it sounds either, I mean both gatherings are huge and our house is not...it just wouldn't be practical. Who knows what will happen when we have kids!!! IT will be a nightmare, and I already say that the kids will go upstate with me and he can come if he wants to spend the holidays with us, since my mom won't be able to see us & the grandkids nearly as often as his family will (that's the very spiteful side of me! But it's true!).

Wow Sarah, that really *****. That's really nervy. Even Nascar has the race on Saturday as to not interfere with Mothers Day (Sorry, just wanted to try to make you smile) That really was inconsiderate of her.

You definately have a point that in the past it did not seem like top priority to be with his family however, I have learned that I have NO BUSINESS judging or evaluating his situation with his family. For instance, I was told that I disrespect him by respecting his mother (they have serious issues). He does not want me to have any relationship with her and he barely wants one himself but then for Easter she invited my mom and sister and he wanted them to come there! Not able to be explained right??? But it is what it is.

I know for me I feel the same way but some holidays are not quite as important to me as others and for some of those alternating might be the best bet. Like maybe easter and the fourth of july or whatever and for the bigger ones try to do both as best you can. This is probably one of the worst parts of marriage, splitting your time. No perfect solution here except give and take and try to talk about it when the issue is not on the table. Talk when you are both relaxed and willing and try to leave the past alone. That's all that helps me in those situations.

It stinks to have to change your holiday tradition, but you're all family now. My FH do Easter and Thanksgiving with his family one year, and mine the next. His family is in CT, and mine's on LI so it's too difficult to switch during the day. But we also try to see the other family during the weekend or the weekend before/after. So this year we were in CT on Easter Sunday, but LI on Friday & Saturday. I always want to spend it with my family, but I know I have to compromise.

For Christmas so far it hasn't been much of a problem because his parents go to FL to visit other family and it's inconvenient for us to fly down, but when that stops we've already agreed to give my parents Christmas Eve and Christmas morning because I have young nieces, and Christmas day and dinner to his parents.

You just have to find a compromise that fits the two of you and the families best.

Okay first of all, don't cry. Because if you do then we will have to cry with you.

Seriously, it sounds like he does not know how to have a close relationship with a family because he does not seem to have that with his own. Therefore, he does not know how to just step into that role within your family. Does that make sense? It's almost the same as you not being able to see how you could not spend time with your family on holidays, he can't understand why you have to. The best thing to do is probably reach a compromise, which you have tried to do. Going to both families on holidays is stressful so maybe you could split them up for now and then when you and he are in a position to host holidays events at your home, you could invite both families. Unfortunately there is not going to be a solution to keep everyone 100% happy. As long as you and your FH are both content and will not argue about the solution, that is what has to matter the most since you and he are forming your own family. I hope that makes sense and does not upset you as that is not what I'm intending to do at all.

I'm so sorry sweetie! I have a similar situation with FI's family but he actually understands how generous and supportive my family is being vs. his own. I don't know how I would deal with it if he didn't. You need to talk this out with him. It is a horrible situation! I agree with you - I think he is jealous of your family and your relationship with them.

I am so sorry

I don't know what to say because I feel the same way about you with holiday's. I would never even think for one second to not see my family on a holiday, but fortunately for FH & I, it works out. His family gets together early (around 1pm) and my family gets together late (around 6pm) so that we can spilt the holiday's and not have to miss a thing.

I hope everything works out and you and FH can come to a happy agreement!

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Posted by I-can't-wait!!!!!!

I am so sorry

I don't know what to say because I feel the same way about you with holiday's. I would never even think for one second to not see my family on a holiday, but fortunately for FH & I, it works out. His family gets together early (around 1pm) and my family gets together late (around 6pm) so that we can spilt the holiday's and not have to miss a thing.

I hope everything works out and you and FH can come to a happy agreement!

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thank you all for your thoughts and advice. I still could not in a million years not see my family on a holiday. Not even feasible unless my FH wanted me to start resenting him and to start HATING holidays. It's not even necessary when our families are not even 15 minutes apart. I don't think it's unfair to see each side of the family for an equal number of hours on the actual holidays, so I just think there is some deeper issue that my FH has about families and holidays that is at the root of this. Once we get to the bottom of that, hopefully we can work this out so we can enjoy our holidays for the rest of our lives.

First


I can understand how you feel about holidays, for me its in reverse, my family isnt too big on holidays, we celebrate, but don't go all out. I think birthdays are more celebratory to us then anything else, but maybe also because my family is so small(just parents and my sister) his family is very big on holidays. Sometimes I do join them for holidays, like this past Thanksgiving, Christmas eve(Christmas Day I spent with my family) and Easter(but I'm othrodox so mine was the following weekend so it worked out). I see how important holidays are to him so I wouldnt tell him not to spend it with his family, but he just can't expect me to always go. After we're married I'm not sure how it will work out, but we'll probably alternate. We have discussed it and he's fine with it. I don't think you're being selfish, but I do agree that alternating holidays will probably a better option so you don't have to have fights with Joe about what time you have to leave etc. (Also maybe you guys can host the holidays and have both families over to your house.

It does seems there is something more to this thats bothering him, and maybe he doesnt want to say it, for fear of a bigger argument.

I can see your point on the SIL having the birthday party same day as Mothers day, but unfortunately theres nothing you can do if she plans it that way again. If it happens, it happens.