I wish we could send this article with every invitation!!
Warning, this is long.... but I seriously wish we could send this in our invitations.... ![]()
It would save all of us a lot of![]()
RSVP Etiquette
by Christian Nadavallil
That thick envelope just arrived in the mail. You've been invited to a wedding. While you are probably happy to have received an invitation to a wedding – what do you do now? What does it all mean? Wait… what if you are not all that happy? Here are some pointers if you are planning on attending the wedding.
Planning To Attend The Wedding
The following are a few guidelines if you do plan to attend the wedding:
Notify the couple as soon as possible
A speedy reply is always welcomed and will assist the couple in making definite plans. Follow the instructions on the RSVP card to indicate your intentions.
Who can you bring?
Simple put, weddings are expensive. Every attending guest is a cost to the hosts. Irrespective of whether this cost is $30 per guest or $300 per guest, planning a wedding involves an infinite number of compromises. Although couples and their families would undoubtedly like to invite everyone that is some way related to the bride and groom, in most cases this is just not affordable or realistic. With that said, it is also an intricate balance not offend anyone.
Look carefully at the outside of envelope in which the invitation arrived in:
If addressed to you: your hosts are expecting you to attend the wedding unaccompanied. In situations such as this, every effort is usually made to seat you with other unaccompanied individuals and/or acquaintances of yours. For your peace of mind, (as the wedding date approaches,) it is not improper to ask the couple if other mutual friends have been invited unaccompanied so that you may arrange to arrive at the wedding with them. This might be attractive situation for you if you are single, unaccompanied and attending an evening wedding with concerns about not having a ‘date’ for the event.
If addressed to you and 'guest': your hosts anticipate that you will invite the date/guest of your choice for the afternoon/evening. Confirm your plans promptly allowing you to send your RSVP as soon as possible. Clearly indicating your guest's name is significant if the couple are to personalize your date's/guest’s place card, (if being used.)
If addressed to you and your significant other: your hosts intend that only the two of you will attend. Unfortunately if you have children, they are not included if the invitation is stated as such. The ceremony/reception may not be a child-oriented event or this was used as a measure to maintain costs. Also noteworthy is that this is the couple's special day, and perhaps children do not readily fit into the picture they have of their dream wedding. Try not to take offence to such situations, instead find a sitter and enjoy yourselves. Perhaps other couples that you know attending the wedding are in the same predicament as you find yourself in. Pooling together resources and hiring one sitter for all the children is an option. Ensure that you clearly indicate whether just you or your and your significant other will be attending when you send your RSVP card. This courtesy will allow to the hosts to plan accordingly.
If addressed to you, your significant other (if you have one), and indicates your children's names as well: everyone is welcome. Similarly this is the case if the invitation reads 'and children' or 'and family' after your names, or if it is addressed to 'the _ _ _ _ _ family'. Once more, when you send your RSVP card, specify how many from your family will be attending as a courtesy to your hosts.
It is never appropriate to ask the couple or the hosts to let you bring extra people, even your children. If the exclusion of your children is such a problem that you can not attend without them, simply send your regrets, stating that family matters prevents you from being able to attend, and leave it at that.
General notes if planning to attend a wedding
If you have unique circumstances that you believe your hosts may not be aware of, such as needing wheelchair access, you might mention that in a note when you send in your response card. Just be sure to be courteous and respectful about it ('I hope my need for wheelchair access will not create a problem at the ceremony or reception locations.') Following up with a phone call to your host closer to the event would also be wise.
It is not appropriate to make dietary request unless you are presented with a choice at the reception. If you get to the reception and they are serving something you cannot eat, just do not eat it. If you have food allergies or religious dietary restrictions, try to eat something before hand, just in case.
Planning Not To Attend The Wedding
The following are a few guidelines if you do not want to attend the wedding:
If you really don't want to attend the wedding, don't go.
If feel you are not all that close to the bride and groom and do not really want to be there, it is perhaps better you do not attend. Think of it this way, if it is not that important a relationship to you, why not free up your spot for another guest?
Notify the couple as soon as possible.
Follow the instructions on the r.s.v.p. card to specify that you will not be attending. It would polite to accompany your RSVP card with a short note as a courtesy. Err on the side of caution and perhaps follow up the RSVP card with a short phone call explaining your situation and an offering your best wishes to the couple. Although this seems very extensive and drawn out, it is appreciated by the couple. This way, if anything happens to the RSVP card, you have covered all your bases with your hosts. You are not expected to send a gift if you have elected not to attend the wedding however, sending a gift is always appreciated and displays your best wishes to the bride and groom with class and etiquette. Alternatively if you feel as though a gift might be too elaborate or you do not want to spend the money, sending a nice card with your best wishes to the bride and groom, to arrive the week after their wedding is also deemed appropriate.
Not Planning To Attend The Wedding Due To A Conflict
Dear Andrew and Maya,
We are so excited to hear about your upcoming wedding. Thank you both so much for including us in your event. Unfortunately, we won't be able to attend, as we will be traveling to vermont the same weekend to attend the graduation of our niece. If we could only be in two places at once! We will be thinking of you on June 24, and sending our love and best wishes your way.
Congratulations,
Ajay and Lydia D’souza
As much as you may want to attend a wedding, sometimes conflicts arise that are simply impossible to avoid. Of course, if you aren't able to accept a wedding invitation, it is perfectly alright to return your response card with 'will not attend' clearly marked. But there are instances, whether you are particularly close to the bride and groom, or enjoy a special friendship with one of their families, that merit a more personal way to send your regrets as shown above.
Do’s and Dont’s
Do: find the object of your affection. Of course, sending a gift is never a requirement but it is always a thoughtful gesture, particularly to close friends and family. Send flowers, a registry gift, a bottle of wine, a journal to take on the honeymoon, a gift certificate to a spa or restaurant or tickets to a great show. Let your imagination be your guide.
Do not: forget to send your response card. You must send your response card - even if you have already sent a thoughtful note or called ahead. Sometimes the delegate in charge of tallying up responses is not the person who received your heartfelt regrets.
Do: give them a ring. You'd love to say hello. You want to wish them well. Go right ahead and call. Of course, we are not suggesting a nice long chat minutes before the processional begins, but don't be afraid to give your buddies a ring as soon as you know you won't be attending their gala (usually between four to six weeks before the event). It is always nice to hear the voice of a beloved friend, especially at such an exciting time.
Don’t: make excuses. We all know things come up. It's okay to decline an invitation. Write a short note, including a brief explanation of the conflict at hand. However, when explaining yourself, use good judgment. If you can't attend because the wedding conflicts with your long scheduled sychic appointment, it might be better to decline without details – you get the idea!
Do: be there in spirit. Write a toast and telegram, fax, or email it to a delegated wedding attendant. At the reception, the best man, maid of honor, or sometimes even the bride and groom read your sentiments aloud. Your best wishes are toasted by all, and you are forever part of a special moment, even as it takes place half a world away.
Don’t: change your mind. Yes, i can. No, i can't. I'm free. I'm booked. I'm sorry to do this to you, but… if this kind of inconsistency seems harmless to you, it has probably been a while since you planned a wedding. Make a decision, however difficult, and stick to it.
Do: make a date. Spend an après-wedding evening with the bride and groom. Take them out to a great dinner, chat over drinks, or relax at the new home. You may have a chance to browse through wedding pictures, listen to honeymoon anecdotes, admire new china, or gaze in wonder at the bread maker (yah right!) It will probably make you wish you could have attended the wedding all the more, but you'll definitely see more of the bride and groom than you would have at the reception.
Don’t: wait until the last minute. While you're wracking your brain, trying to figure out how to be two places at once, the bride, groom, and their families are left in limbo. Most couples have struggled long and hard with guest list dilemmas. A quick, 'with regrets' response may allow the happy couple enough time to fire off an invitation to a guest they might not otherwise be able to include.
A couple’s wedding day is one of the most special days in their lifetime. It should be an event that is shared and enjoyed by family and friends. Put their happiness above everything and follow simple rules of courtesy and common sense – it will take you a long way on the road to proper etiquette and being a dream wedding guest.
It would save all of us a lot of
RSVP Etiquette
by Christian Nadavallil
That thick envelope just arrived in the mail. You've been invited to a wedding. While you are probably happy to have received an invitation to a wedding – what do you do now? What does it all mean? Wait… what if you are not all that happy? Here are some pointers if you are planning on attending the wedding.
Planning To Attend The Wedding
The following are a few guidelines if you do plan to attend the wedding:
Notify the couple as soon as possible
A speedy reply is always welcomed and will assist the couple in making definite plans. Follow the instructions on the RSVP card to indicate your intentions.
Who can you bring?
Simple put, weddings are expensive. Every attending guest is a cost to the hosts. Irrespective of whether this cost is $30 per guest or $300 per guest, planning a wedding involves an infinite number of compromises. Although couples and their families would undoubtedly like to invite everyone that is some way related to the bride and groom, in most cases this is just not affordable or realistic. With that said, it is also an intricate balance not offend anyone.
Look carefully at the outside of envelope in which the invitation arrived in:
If addressed to you: your hosts are expecting you to attend the wedding unaccompanied. In situations such as this, every effort is usually made to seat you with other unaccompanied individuals and/or acquaintances of yours. For your peace of mind, (as the wedding date approaches,) it is not improper to ask the couple if other mutual friends have been invited unaccompanied so that you may arrange to arrive at the wedding with them. This might be attractive situation for you if you are single, unaccompanied and attending an evening wedding with concerns about not having a ‘date’ for the event.
If addressed to you and 'guest': your hosts anticipate that you will invite the date/guest of your choice for the afternoon/evening. Confirm your plans promptly allowing you to send your RSVP as soon as possible. Clearly indicating your guest's name is significant if the couple are to personalize your date's/guest’s place card, (if being used.)
If addressed to you and your significant other: your hosts intend that only the two of you will attend. Unfortunately if you have children, they are not included if the invitation is stated as such. The ceremony/reception may not be a child-oriented event or this was used as a measure to maintain costs. Also noteworthy is that this is the couple's special day, and perhaps children do not readily fit into the picture they have of their dream wedding. Try not to take offence to such situations, instead find a sitter and enjoy yourselves. Perhaps other couples that you know attending the wedding are in the same predicament as you find yourself in. Pooling together resources and hiring one sitter for all the children is an option. Ensure that you clearly indicate whether just you or your and your significant other will be attending when you send your RSVP card. This courtesy will allow to the hosts to plan accordingly.
If addressed to you, your significant other (if you have one), and indicates your children's names as well: everyone is welcome. Similarly this is the case if the invitation reads 'and children' or 'and family' after your names, or if it is addressed to 'the _ _ _ _ _ family'. Once more, when you send your RSVP card, specify how many from your family will be attending as a courtesy to your hosts.
It is never appropriate to ask the couple or the hosts to let you bring extra people, even your children. If the exclusion of your children is such a problem that you can not attend without them, simply send your regrets, stating that family matters prevents you from being able to attend, and leave it at that.
General notes if planning to attend a wedding
If you have unique circumstances that you believe your hosts may not be aware of, such as needing wheelchair access, you might mention that in a note when you send in your response card. Just be sure to be courteous and respectful about it ('I hope my need for wheelchair access will not create a problem at the ceremony or reception locations.') Following up with a phone call to your host closer to the event would also be wise.
It is not appropriate to make dietary request unless you are presented with a choice at the reception. If you get to the reception and they are serving something you cannot eat, just do not eat it. If you have food allergies or religious dietary restrictions, try to eat something before hand, just in case.
Planning Not To Attend The Wedding
The following are a few guidelines if you do not want to attend the wedding:
If you really don't want to attend the wedding, don't go.
If feel you are not all that close to the bride and groom and do not really want to be there, it is perhaps better you do not attend. Think of it this way, if it is not that important a relationship to you, why not free up your spot for another guest?
Notify the couple as soon as possible.
Follow the instructions on the r.s.v.p. card to specify that you will not be attending. It would polite to accompany your RSVP card with a short note as a courtesy. Err on the side of caution and perhaps follow up the RSVP card with a short phone call explaining your situation and an offering your best wishes to the couple. Although this seems very extensive and drawn out, it is appreciated by the couple. This way, if anything happens to the RSVP card, you have covered all your bases with your hosts. You are not expected to send a gift if you have elected not to attend the wedding however, sending a gift is always appreciated and displays your best wishes to the bride and groom with class and etiquette. Alternatively if you feel as though a gift might be too elaborate or you do not want to spend the money, sending a nice card with your best wishes to the bride and groom, to arrive the week after their wedding is also deemed appropriate.
Not Planning To Attend The Wedding Due To A Conflict
Dear Andrew and Maya,
We are so excited to hear about your upcoming wedding. Thank you both so much for including us in your event. Unfortunately, we won't be able to attend, as we will be traveling to vermont the same weekend to attend the graduation of our niece. If we could only be in two places at once! We will be thinking of you on June 24, and sending our love and best wishes your way.
Congratulations,
Ajay and Lydia D’souza
As much as you may want to attend a wedding, sometimes conflicts arise that are simply impossible to avoid. Of course, if you aren't able to accept a wedding invitation, it is perfectly alright to return your response card with 'will not attend' clearly marked. But there are instances, whether you are particularly close to the bride and groom, or enjoy a special friendship with one of their families, that merit a more personal way to send your regrets as shown above.
Do’s and Dont’s
Do: find the object of your affection. Of course, sending a gift is never a requirement but it is always a thoughtful gesture, particularly to close friends and family. Send flowers, a registry gift, a bottle of wine, a journal to take on the honeymoon, a gift certificate to a spa or restaurant or tickets to a great show. Let your imagination be your guide.
Do not: forget to send your response card. You must send your response card - even if you have already sent a thoughtful note or called ahead. Sometimes the delegate in charge of tallying up responses is not the person who received your heartfelt regrets.
Do: give them a ring. You'd love to say hello. You want to wish them well. Go right ahead and call. Of course, we are not suggesting a nice long chat minutes before the processional begins, but don't be afraid to give your buddies a ring as soon as you know you won't be attending their gala (usually between four to six weeks before the event). It is always nice to hear the voice of a beloved friend, especially at such an exciting time.
Don’t: make excuses. We all know things come up. It's okay to decline an invitation. Write a short note, including a brief explanation of the conflict at hand. However, when explaining yourself, use good judgment. If you can't attend because the wedding conflicts with your long scheduled sychic appointment, it might be better to decline without details – you get the idea!
Do: be there in spirit. Write a toast and telegram, fax, or email it to a delegated wedding attendant. At the reception, the best man, maid of honor, or sometimes even the bride and groom read your sentiments aloud. Your best wishes are toasted by all, and you are forever part of a special moment, even as it takes place half a world away.
Don’t: change your mind. Yes, i can. No, i can't. I'm free. I'm booked. I'm sorry to do this to you, but… if this kind of inconsistency seems harmless to you, it has probably been a while since you planned a wedding. Make a decision, however difficult, and stick to it.
Do: make a date. Spend an après-wedding evening with the bride and groom. Take them out to a great dinner, chat over drinks, or relax at the new home. You may have a chance to browse through wedding pictures, listen to honeymoon anecdotes, admire new china, or gaze in wonder at the bread maker (yah right!) It will probably make you wish you could have attended the wedding all the more, but you'll definitely see more of the bride and groom than you would have at the reception.
Don’t: wait until the last minute. While you're wracking your brain, trying to figure out how to be two places at once, the bride, groom, and their families are left in limbo. Most couples have struggled long and hard with guest list dilemmas. A quick, 'with regrets' response may allow the happy couple enough time to fire off an invitation to a guest they might not otherwise be able to include.
A couple’s wedding day is one of the most special days in their lifetime. It should be an event that is shared and enjoyed by family and friends. Put their happiness above everything and follow simple rules of courtesy and common sense – it will take you a long way on the road to proper etiquette and being a dream wedding guest.
