If his family doesn't leave us alone, there may not be a wedding! :(

Ok, so maybe my favors were a wee bit 'unsual'~but they seem to have caused major problems among BRian's family. She told me she hated them from teh day I should her teh proofer. Oh well...IT'S OUR WEDDING...

We have been engaged since March 2002, and we, well, I...ok, DAWNIE and I, have done all of the planning and Brian and I have done all of the paying.

Let me add that my parents have never met her for more that 15 minutes accumulative over 6 years...My parents called her numerous times when we first got engaged, and she never returned their call. My mother was very hurt by all of this, but never said anythign to BRian, other than oh, did your mother get my calls? His motehr was like oh, I wante dto wait until THIS SUMMER (2003) to call, so we coudl bar b q or something...It's been a year and a half, still waiting for her call.

SO maybe she wasn't thrilled that I was havign it in February~but WE ARE HAVING 300 PEOPLE! WE COULD NOT AFFORD A SATURDAY NIGHT WEDDING IN JUNE! I'm sorry, we just couldn't. So we settled on an off month and she wasn't thrilled at first... she got used to the idea.

ALmost everyday, I email her with planning updates, what I have bought, what we are planning, and the costs. Not once did she offer to help us pay, not until she decided that she wanted a martini bar and a wok station at John ANthony's. I'm sorry, Martini's are included in the price, I am not goign to have them charge me extra to set up an extra station for martinis just beacsue her boyfriend's rich sister and brotehr in law had one at there wedding...
THIS IS OUR WEDDING, no one elses! Ok, I would settle for the wok station and maybe teh caviar station (I would eat from there, probably not many of my friends though), but I really didn't need this extra stuff. If she wanted to pay for it, fine. I was not complaining...

Months pass, and Brian and I didn't hear about her payign for anythign until I brought up the rehearsal dinner. Now, we never expected her to pay for this. We budgeted enough to cover it, and we weren't about to ask her for any money.
I suggested places, she suggested places...she is paying for it, she can have it in a library for all I care. Teh RHD is one thing, our wedding is a totally different affair as far as I am concerned...

Invitations~SIMPLICITY PLANNING called me to confirm the proofer, you haev two weeks to do so...I called her and emailed her becasue I wanted to fax her teh wording, and she never replied so I just sent it in and had her and her ex's name on there. Teh ex is BRian's father. Brian and him have a very close relationship, tehy speak almost every day. I am sorry if you hate him, but you married him and had Brian and I tried to ask you if my wording was ok, but you never replied so I had it printed and that was that...I knwo she passed a comment beacsue his sister mentioned somethign to me, but I shoudn't have to wait and wait and wait for an answer, I had to place teh order and it was grammatically correct and once again, IT IS OUR WEDDING!!!

18 months have passed. I ordered my favors. I'm sorry if they are not classy enough for you and your friends, but Brian and I are also donating $1000 to eitehr Memorial SLoan Kettering or NY-Prespyterian Hospital and I think that shows more class than if I used paper plates on my table.
SO instead of consulting me, Brian's aunt (who I really really liked up until lately when she blows up and starts screaming at me for no reason~Brian says she is liek taht with everyone, so I guess she is finally comfortable with me) picks up two favors for me to decide between...a silevrplated ice cream scoop or a silver plated candle snuffer...

SO I tell her no thank you, it doesn't make sense to have a shot glass taht says I WENT TO BRIAN AND LAURIE'S WEDDING AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY SHOTGLASS~and give them an ice cream scoop, does it? I said if you would liek to help, you can give teh donation. Or I now need centerpieces, I owe $2000 on my honeymoon, I need my invitations to be reprinted...I need an additional 25 menu cards...get teh idea?

SO she tells me that if I want to do a donation considering it means so much to me, I should do it privately and not annouce it to my guests...and I should give out the **** ice cream scoop? SO I am liek what should I do with teh glasses? She tells me to put one at each place setting...uh, no.

(Chorus)


IT'S OUR WEDDING!!!!!!!

Ok, so I go online and pull up all of these things on donations. They, unfortunately, were all in memory of a person who has already passed. HIs aunt is like if you notice, teh peopel that they are giving these in memory of have all died... ok, so now I get P I SS ED ...

My grandfather died of cancer, my grandmotehr died of cancer, my stepfather's father died of cancer, my friend died of cancer last week (28 years old, he had a brain tumor), your mother (Brian's grandmother) died of cancer...

My father has cancer, my sister has cancer, my uncle has cancer...they are alive and it's for research that we want to support! I tell her this. I also tell her taht donations are very in lieu of favors, and (beacsue tehy know JILLNBRAD)
I mention that they might be doing it too.

SHE FREAKED~she starts screaming that I am calling her insnsitive, that I won't let her and BRian's motehr be apart of this wedding...blah, blah, blah.... it annoys teh **** out of me beacsue I have always liked Mary and may times I have passed comments to BRian that she is so nice, I wish she were your motehr instead beacsue we get along so well... now her true colors are out...

SO then his mother writes me...

oh, you won;t let me be a part of my sons wedding, you won't let me and mary and lauren and her boyfriend help, this is our day too...I am teh motehr of teh groom...
HOW WOUDL YOUR MOTEHR FEEL IF YOU DIDN'T LET HER BE A PART OF YOUR PLANNING????
I am so hurt, I just wanted to help....I can't believe it's come down to this...it's our day too...I have waited my whole life for this...


...telling me to get new favors beacsue you don't liek mine are NOT a way of helping! I liek them Brian likes them...


....IT'S OUR WEDDING!


So I am in tears at this point. I calmly and calmly write back that I am sorry you feel this way, but helping with our wedding is not, 'If I don't liek what you are doing, let me pay to have it done again so it's teh way I like it...'...

And I brought up teh point that the only problem my motehr has had with this wedding is teh fact taht she never met teh motehr of teh man I am marrying. That she see's is a problem...

I said that I have advised and consulted with you on every decision we have made. We have been engaged for a year and a half and you haev NEVER offered to pay for our favors or anything else unles it's somethign you disapproved of...
She writes me today and is liek we need to sit down and discuss this beacsue all of out feelings have been hurt...WHATEVER....it's a day for all of us... NO, IT IS NOT A DAY FOR ALL OF US. It's our wedding. It's more than havign her pay for it, it's the fact taht we should have just gotten married on the beach somewhere like Brian originally wanted to, and we wouldn't be dealign with all of this. I said to her why can't you just be happy that we love eachotehr instead of worryign about how elegant everything needs to be? IT'S OUR DAY, OUR WEDDING!!!

All I have to say to that is I feel so sorry for you. I am sending hugs your way.
I would not know how to respond to all of this. Chin up though !!!

hi there just try to take a deep breath and relax for a minute :)

check fm!!!

First...I'm sending you As if its not stressful enough and then to have to deal with all that bulls***!!! You did nothing wrong...and you are right..IT IS YOUR (and FH, of course) DAY!!! Sounds like you gave enough effort to get them involved....ugghhh....family (esp. in-laws ) can really drive you crazy....hang in there

Laurie,

I am so sorry you are going through this

Having had MANY of my own in law issues you may want to give it a couple of days and then sit down and have a talk. Make sure that you and Brian are on the same page and that he is there with you. He needs to be more of the speaker.

Also, someone on here once said, and I think it was great advice, don't tell your plans. Just say we haven't decided yet! Stop telling her so much for now. Give minimal details!!

Fm me or call me if you need to talk!

Laurie- am so sorry you have to go through all of this bull****!!!!! I would never have thought Brian's mom and aunt would be so insensitive. My opinion is to try(I know it's going to be hard) to not let them get the best of you!!!!!! You are one of the sweetest people I know(and I don't even know you that long) and it's amazing to me that they could be so catty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I got your back if you wanna fight them (Just kidding). It also ****es me off that they have the nerve to say you don't let them help plan, let them???I'm confused I thought it was your wedding??? I always thought the rule was if parents were paying for a wedding then you had to consult with them, if they are not paying, they really don't have a say!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Stay strong, if you need me I'm here

IMO, I would definitely stop emailing her info about everything. First, what's the point of emailing her the costs of things when she is not paying for it. Second, you are opening yourself up for her feedback. When you email her your plans, you are basically saying 'What do you think?' I learned from all of my wedding planning that you should not ask unless you really want their opinion.

It sounds like there is much more going on here (like maybe from different religions or something). I would talk it over with your FI. Let him deal with FMIL.

good luck.

First of all, I have great respect for those brides that can gleefully include their FILs - I however am not one of them. It has been my unfortunate experience that any time they try to 'help' it just turns out to be a matter of respect between the families. Especially when she has the nerve to talk about 'what if your mother was excluded...' when she hasn't even bothered to meeet her yet. That's nerve.

Secondly - it most certainly is not her day. OK, maybe it is her day to be supportive, to be congratualtory, to be celebratory, or to bejoyful - it is not her day to plan, nor is it her day to stress you out.

I think it is a wonderful thing that you are doing - regardless of what she thinks.

Furthermore, is she for real telling you that she needs to have a family meeting because her feelings are hurt? Not for nothing, but you have a lot on your plate. Is she completely insensitive to what is going on in your life? Not only are you getting married, but there are questions with your hall AND you have two members of your family that need your attention and support WAY more than she does right now - I really think she needs to su-ck it up and understand YOUR priorities right now.

I wish I had some profound word of encouragement, but I think the best I can do is be honest & tell you that there are moreimportant thingd for you right now & if she doesn't like it then that is just too bad for her. Neither life nor your wedding revolve around her.

Laurie.....keep me posted

I would be so ****ed too. Hey-who is paying for this?????? It is NOT you so keep you mouth shut. And she could not even meet your mom--come on she should show some class!!!! Stay strong because you are right, you are paying for it and it is YOUR WEDDING!!!!!

Sorry, when I am referring to YOU I mean your FMIL!

I am so sorry that this is happening with your MIL. It's so hard b/c you really are trying to include her and she just wants to complain rather than help the situation.
I think that you really should try to rise above all of this. If she does want to discuss it, that is great, but like you said, she has to understand that it is yours and Brian's wedding, not hers...

Wow...that's awful...

First thing, don't tell her ANOTHER thing. It is your wedding, you and your fh are paying for it...no one tells you what to do.

Talk to your fh about all of this and let him know how you feel and what you want done about it. You and him need to tell his mother and other family members to back off (in a nice way, of course)...and leave you alone.

You have enough going on in your life than to be worried that his mother doesn't like your favors or needs a martini bar for her brother in law.

oh laurie, I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. How does brian feel about all of this. I think as long as you 2 remember this is YOUR DAY and the start of YOUR future, then you'll be ok, and jsut keep ignoring them and stop brining up your plans. It's obvious they are going to have an opinin, so tell them if it's not to help with your ideas, then to simply show up the day of.

Good luck and lots of HUGS

Laurie Yo certainly have been having a rough time of it I would have Brian speak to his mother and let her know that this is too much for you with all the other things going on in your life. Let him be the bad guy, which shows his mother that he supports his soon-to-be wife

I am glad that you girls agree with me. Brian just made me feel like ****. I just got of the phone with Brian and he is like we'll talk about it when I see you. Meanwhile he knows that I promised my parents I would stay home with them until my father has his surgery on Friday, so I won't see him unitl Saturday when we have pre cane. He thinks I am over reacting and tells me to ignore tham. Then I tried to explain everything to him calmly, and he just got mad at me. I undertsand that these peopel are his family, but considering I will be the one he is marrying, he should be a little more supportive. I am seriously questioning if we should be getting married at all. I was talking to both my step fatehr and his ex-wife~who oddly enough managed to become an important role in our family since my (step)niece was born~ and they both told me the same thing. They broke up their marriage beacsue they each were hated by the other one's parents. This scared me half to death.

Then of course all of the things that have bothered me in the past about his mother and teh way that she treats me starts to float to teh surface, and instead of him listening, he blows me off and says ok, so just call me in the morning...

This is not Brian. He is the sweetest, mushiest person and when it comes to me versus THEM, I will always lose. He is not a mama's boy, but he just has alot of respect for them and he keeps his mouth shut. I want to tell him to grow a set and learn to defend me beacsue we are going to have a long, miserabel life together if he doesn't learn to stand up for me.

We have five months left, and for the last two weeks, I have seriously been questioning if we should be getting married (99% beacsue of his family and teh fact that I want to get out of Glendale, away from them...).

Laurie, I swear they photocopied this page of my life & gave it to you, too. Try to hang in there - it is very difficult to come between your FH & his mother, b/c no matter how much he loves you, she can always guilt him, ya know.

I worry, too. I need to move closer to Manhattan, but FH is looking at houses in Sound Beach & Middle Island - ugh....

FM me if you need to talk.

Laurie,

You may not remember but right before my wedding Frankie and I went through the same thing with his sister and mother. It took quite awhile for Frankie to get it through his thick skull that he needed to stick up for me because we were becoming a family. He came around. Give Brian some time to let this sink in. That is what Frankie needed. It is hard for them to be torn and he is between you and his family. You guys have been together for 6 years and he loves you. He will come around just please give him a little time. You have more important things, you stepfather and sister to concentrate on this week.

While I know what you are saying, about the families breaking up marriages, it was about 50% of the reason my parents broke up, you don't have to make it be that way. I worried about it too. If you remember I too also thought about calling off my wedding and didn't sleep for 2 days. You and Brian will talk on Saturday and once he sees your face and sees how hurt you are I am sure that he will rise to the occassion.

I don't know if this is making any sense. I hope it is!

wow, you've been pretty calm about this, which takes alot, i probably would have yelled at the lady.....

the wedding is your's and your fiances and the only other people who have a chance to input are close friends and the brides mother...

you seem very sweet for keeping his mom up to date as much as you have, there is no need for new favors, after seeing yours im even thinking of getting them myself.... and no need for new invitations, they are fine the way they are...
you said they are divorced?(maybe thats part of the reason why shes saying things to upset you, becuase you have what she doesnt?

your such a sweet girl who doesnt deserve this. I wouldnt even sit down with her and talk. your fiance is agreeing with you right? thats all that you need

I do remember that~I felt so badly beacsue I knew what you were goign through.

I am so hurt by him right now that I don't even want to speak to him. I hope you are both right. I have four days to let the both of us cool down...

I am serious though, I refuse to live the next 80 years of my life miserable because of his family.
Its' a choice I he will have to make NOW because we only have 5 months left.