I'm a regular poster but need some help...

I am a very regular poster and a newlywed, but am incognito so that I can ask for some advice about some very personal issues. I fear that I have been depressed for many years, but have suppressed it for just as long. I have seen a psychologist for several of them, and have known I have not gotten any better under her care, and have told her what she wants to hear for fear of having to admit that I am a mess inside. I don’t know why I’m so self-destructive…why I care so little about myself that I can’t even admit that I’m depressed and need help?

I have major anxiety about everything and can’t seem to be happy about anything….even though I know this is supposed to be the greatest time in my life. I have the greatest DH in the world…he is truly amazing, but he just doesn’t understand how I feel inside because on the outside I have this perfect life. Granted, I hate my job and where we live currently, but those are things that I know I can change, and we are working on doing so. But other than that I am blessed with a beautiful family and friends, and everything I can possibly need. But the sadness still creeps in. I am sad all the time. For years I remember thinking “I’ll be happy when”….I graduate college, get a job, buy a car, get married, fill in the blank. And still, sadness. What is wrong with me?

I worry that I am very depressed and need medication to help me. But I am so terrified to admit that out loud, to face my issues, although I recently tried to tell DH and he was shocked. I know he will be supportive in whatever I need him to do, I just hate admitting that I’m not the person I’ve always pretended and tried to be. To him and to everyone. And I think sometimes it is hard for a person who is not depressed/dealt with someone who is depressed to truly understand how deep the pain is, and how hard it is for me to get up in the morning. How difficult even the littlest things are for me to handle.

I’m also scared to go on medication because I want to TTC in the short term and I don’t think (?) you can if you are on anti-depressants. But I know deep down that I need to care for myself, for the first time ever, and put off TTC until I feel better about myself.

Does anyone have any advice? I don’t know what moved me to write today and I don’t know what I expect you all to say…I guess I was just hoping someone else out there understands.