heres my story: im catholic and fh is jewish. My family is not at all religious and his family is. they are conservative and very strict in their ways. He has an older brother who does not live here and he married a girl from peru behind his parents backs and they basically disowned him. 3 years his father still will not speak to him. So i did not want to lose FH( we werent engaged at the time) and tried to talk to him about what we were going to do since i was not jewish and he said he didnt know. I decided to convert to make things easier for us and he said we would be able to do what we wanted. well the conversion was a really bad experience for me, i cried everyday and told him i hated it but he couldnt say for sure if we would be able to stay together if i didnt go through with it b/c of his parents. I ended up converting and few months later we were engaged. I did not like being jewish and i wasnt happy with the jewish ways for me. We spoke to his parents many times about it and they knew i was unhappy but always threaten to disown him if he didnt follow their ways. We ended up calling everything off and me moving out b/c i couldnt take it anymore. after 2 months we decided to get back together only if i would no longer be jewish and we do everything both ways, like the wedding, house, kids etc. Now he just has to speak to his family. Bottom line is that they are going to flip and disown him and now he is stuck choosing b/n me and them and i dont know what to do. I just cant live a fake life. I want to celebrate both of our cultures and live our lives celebrating all holdiays. We have tried to compromise with them in so many ways and it just doesnt work. now i am waiting for him to speak to them and i know its hard for him but its been over 2 years and he still cant go do it. That makes me feel like crap, i feel like he cant stand up for me. and now we cant rebook our hall b/c it was so expensive and his parents were going to help us a little and now they surely wont and we cant book any other hall b/c im sure almost all of his family wont come to the wedding and that is so terrible to him! i just hate this and dont know what to do!
BJandDan
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Re: im hanging by a thread..please hug me! (long)
Wow...that is very difficult. First thing.... Second.... be with your FH because you love him, not his family. Hopefully they will always be there for you, but be prepared if they aren't. There are many brides out there that have not spoken to their families (thankfully I am not one so my insight may not mean much). His brother did it..... is he happy? You both have to do what is right for you both, not his parents. Best of luck to you both!
Faith
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Re: im hanging by a thread..please hug me! (long)
I don't really think you can choose to be Jewish to 'make things easier'. You would really have to feel it in your heart and want to convert.. Having said that, it's time for your FH to stop allowing his parents to bully you both into doing things their way. It's really in his hands, it sounds to me like you have done everything you can do to try to make this work. I hope things work out!
LaurenluvsTJ
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Re: im hanging by a thread..please hug me! (long)
In the end, no matter how hard it is, you have to do what is right for you. I was with a guy whose family was not really religious,but hated me (well his father) because of my religion. We were together for 3 and a half years, and I realized my life would be absolutely miserable if I stayed with him. We broke up, and three years later, I found my FH. We are also different religions, but his parents don't care. This was such a huge concern for me because of my ex, but FH told me that they love me because I make him happy and he loves me. His parents will not change, and if you FH is not able to stand up to them, you seriously need to consider what your life will be like if you stay with him... I know its the hardest thing in the world to do... but so important.
Mrs. dleeny
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Re: im hanging by a thread..please hug me! (long)
I am so sorry that you're going through this
I think it's awful that his parents won't accept you for who you are! Relgious or not, you and your FH are obviously meant to be together.
they need to get over it. otherwise, they will never see their own grandchildren.
good luck and keep us posted!
nenna023
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Re: im hanging by a thread..please hug me! (long)
thanks ladies. I know that this is really hard for him but i cant help being mad that he still has not spoken to them yet. How long do i have to wait! I will keep you posted
babybug631
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Re: im hanging by a thread..please hug me! (long)
Your FH has to decide if he can live without his family. If you truly love each other, than all of that won't matter. It sounds like even if you did continue to live by those strict rules, you still will never be good enough for his parents. His parents are so quick to disown their children, there is something wrong there. My family and I have not spoken to my grandmother in over 6 years. It's not religious, but she wants us to do things her way. If not, she won't speak to you. Some people are just very difficult to get along with. The truth is, you don't have to get along with your in-laws. It would be easier if you did, but sometimes it just doesn't work out that way. As far as your FH, he obviously wants to be with you. He may even be better off starting a life with you and not live under those rules that his parents made him live by. It will be difficult now, but you still have your family, and maybe he can have a better relationship with his brother. Good luck.
tiffandmatt
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Re: im hanging by a thread..please help me! (long)
I hope that everything works out for you and your FH. Good luck.
PegaLega
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Re: im hanging by a thread..please help me! (long)
Im sorry that you are going thru this, there is no reason that 2 people who love each other should be put in a position to choose. In my opinion-the two of you are going to spend the rest of your lives together, he is going to be your husband and you are going to be his wife. Just b/c his parents are very religious doesnt give them any right to choose your religion, you cant just CHANGE and expect to be happy. Im sorry I dont know any advice that would help. The only thing I can say is if it were me I would choose FH over my parents anyday and he would the same-he is my happiness and day after day he is my rock-and we are going to be together for the rest of our lives.
ETA:Good luck-I hope you are able to work thru this!
EmberLynn
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Re: im hanging by a thread..please help me! (long)
My FH family is catholic, I'm an atheist and he is pagan. His parents are the catholic version of your Fh's parents. But my FH made a choice, he choose me over them. Because he felt if they don't respect him as an adult to make his own life choices, then they aren't worth is his time. How many sons do they have? They are going to loss all their children if they keep up being this way. You FH has to make a choice, is he going to be with you and break ties with them, or is going to let them rule and ruin his life. I wish you both luck.
BKtoLI
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Re: im hanging by a thread..please help me! (long)
I'm also Catholic with a Jewish FH. Both of our families are religious. I was very concerned about how his family would receive me because of this. Thankfully, they care more about FH's happiness than what religion I am. My mother also did the same as me, she is Catholic and my father is Jewish.
Your FH should ask his parents what is more important to them....his happiness or whether or not they have a jewish daughter in law?
If he can't even choose between you and his parents, as tough as a decision that is, then maybe there shouldn't be a wedding. Everyone wants to please their parents, but ultimately you are both adults and he needs to live his own life, with or without them and make his choices and stand by them. If he doesn't do this now, he will be giving in to them for the rest of your lives, which will not make either one of you happy.
October Bliss
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Re: im hanging by a thread..please help me! (long)
Posted by nenna023
well the conversion was a really bad experience for me, i cried everyday and told him i hated it but he couldnt say for sure if we would be able to stay together if i didnt go through with it b/c of his parents.
i know its hard for him but its been over 2 years and he still cant go do it.
IMHO, these are the two most telling statements in your post. If after two years he can't tell his parents, and he is not sure you can be together if you are not jewish, then he has already made his choice, and it isn't you.
I don't mean to be harsh, but it really sounds like that to me, and if that is the case, your life together will not be the wonderful happy future you envision, instead it will be a series demands by his parents that he will just give in to. Is that what you want?? And if you can't afford your choice of reception locations without financial assistance from his parents then you have to give them input into the ceremony etc etc. What else won't you be able to afford in the future without assistance from his parents? What compromises will you have to make about those decisions because they helped financially?
How much interference in your life do you want from your in-laws??
alioop4282
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Re: im hanging by a thread..please help me! (long)
Wow. I'm really sure to hear what you're going through. I am Jewish and my FH is Catholic and neither of us are very religious but I still don't go to work on Jewish holidays and he still celebrates Christmas and Easter and al lof the Catholic Holidays. I was very worried about how his parents would react to me being Jewish when we first met. Well, they wound up really liking me regardless. I would NEVER change my religion for ANYONE..no matter how much I love them. I am who I am. Both my parents are Jewish, therefore I am too. I don't know much even about my own religion but I was born Jewish and Jewish I'll stay...it doesn't make me any less of a person and I know you being Catholic doesn't make you any less of a person either. His parents need to back off. I hate to be so blunt about it..but it really pissed me off reading how they act. You are still a human being regardless of what religion you are. You two can celebrate BOTH religions or do whatever is right for both of you. Have you tried talking to his parents? I know that might be scary for you but maybe you should. I dated a guy once for three years and his parents disliked me because I am Jewish. The relationship ended because his parents were just so horrible and I couldn't take it anymore. I'd hate to see your FH parents drive you away the way it was done to me. You even changed your religion for this man! They should know just from that how much you love their son. Isn't that enough for them???
AlliNMatt06
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Re: im hanging by a thread..please help me! (long)
Let his parents disown their own son, they already did this to their other child. They will be the ones suffering, not you and FH. When you guys have kids, they will be the ones missing out. In my opinion people take religion to seriously! His parents are selfish, and seem to not care about their kids happiness.
I am very sorry you and FH have to go through all this, just to be together.
PrincessRose
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Re: im hanging by a thread..please help me! (long)
Wow.
You poor thing. I really feel awful for you, and I don't even know how to help.
You did the right thing by not going through with the conversion. Both of my aunts converted just to marry my uncles - one of which never really meant it. I don't think she's 100% happy with that decision.
I think your FI needs to make a decision. See, just as being Catholic is very important to you, being Jewish seems to be very important to him. Interfaith marriage is easier when one or both people don't really care about their religion, but when both people are committed to their faiths, well, it just isn't as uncomplicated as 'we'll do both'.
I wish you the best of luck and lots and lots of your way.
Goldi1021
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Re: im hanging by a thread..please help me! (long)
Many interfaith couples go through this. I STRONGLY believe that nobody should convert unless it is a calling from your heart. Personally, I do not understand how a faith would accept a convert who converts only to please someone else. From what I understood, a Rabbi is supposed to refuse a potential convert three times so they know that conversion is done for the right reasons.
Yes it was very difficult for my parents to accept the fact that my brother's second wife is Catholic and that their grandson would be baptized Episcopalian (especially with a last name like mine). But they were able to put their own feelings aside for the love of their son. My brother 'did the right thing' by marrying a Jewish woman the first time and it ended up in a very bitter divorce. We wanted nothing more than for him to be happy. This woman, his second wife, gives him happiness. My sisterin law realizes that one day, her son may choose to convert to be like his sisters but she knew that a choice needed to be made for her baby.Children are too young to make choices. If you put Christmas and Chanukah in front of me, I'd choose Christmas too.
If your FIL's cannot see how much happiness you give him then it is truly sad. I hope your FH stands by you. Religion is in the heart. Stay true to yourself and good luck.
nenna023
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Re: im hanging by a thread..please help me! (long)
thanks girls. I feel the exact same way. If i make him happy then thats all that should matter. And i keep telling him that if the situation was reversed i would not hesitate to tell my parents exactly how i feel and put him first since he is my life no matter what they might do to me. He says that i am only saying that and that i have no idea how hard it is for me. I really do its just that its so hard for me to accept that the person i want to spend the rest of my life with cant stand up for me to his family with out caring what happens as long as the end result is me. It just hurts so bad and its all i think about.
