I'm totally devastated - girls Please Help Me

I really need some support. I have not been on this board in a while....mostly because I sensed this problem b/w my fiancee and I and it broke my heart to see other people so excited about wedding planning when I was insecure about it. Turns out my sense that something was wrong was definitely on target.

When my fiancee and I started dating, the plan was always for him (who lives in Seattle) to move to NY, but that I would move to Seattle first. Its very complicated but basically he's a fireman and would need to go to school before moving out here. It is a hassle for me to move to WA state, not only b/c I am an attorney and have to take the bar there, but b/c I am close to my family and friends and didn't want to do it. My feeling was, however, it was the right thing to do if he was going to ultimately move to NY.

Last night, after having dated/been engaged over four years he tells me he 'identifies too much with being a fireman' and he doesn't want to move out here. He is too old to test for FDNY if you are wondering (you have to be under 29). So I was like, are you breaking up with me? And he said no but he had considered that possibility. To be honest, I felt as though he had already made up his mind. Like, if it was me or the job, it would be the job. I understand TOTALLY where he is coming from, wanting to stay in his career, believe me I do, even figuring that out at this late date. Please keep in mind he has said for FOUR YEARS he would be willing to change careers, that is the only reason I thought he would be willing to.

But I still can't help be devastated by what I think is his being resigned to not going forward with the wedding. He says that he is still in love with me, that his feelings for me haven't changed.....but I wonder if that is really the case or he is just not in love with me as he was before. I hate that I have to put myself out there like this but I need some advice and support and my Mom is not picking up her cell phone and my office door is closed so no one will see my puffy eyes. :(

I am so sorry this is happening to you.

so sorry you are going through this ...you need to talk to him and tell him to just come out and say EVERYTHING that is on his mind and to be honest, you deserve the truth.

All I can really say is that I'm sorry you're going through this and that in life things happen as they should and what's meant to be will be. If you're meant to be together, you'll find a way. Love has a way of making it through tough times. Chin up. We'll try and get you through the day. FM if you need to.

I am so sorry. I really have no great words of advice or help.

But I do want to offer my prayers and hugs to you. I hope everything works out. I understand that you are devestated by this situation, as would I be. But keep your head up and stay strong. You have the right to be happy as well as he does. But if you are both not going to be happy living the life you two had planned maybe it is time for a change in plans- that I know must be hard to think about. But maybe things will be worked out and you two just need to see each other and speak about your feelings and plans in person! I know that might be hard but it might be what works! I am sorry you have to go through with this.

I hope you can get ahold of your mother. I know my mom always has great advice and is there to listen. Mom's definitely help!

But we are all here for you!!!!

I am so sorry you are going through this!
It looks to me that you might need to let go... and I KNOW how hard that is...(believe me, I've done it... I have a son with a previous relationship though we were never married... It was the hardest thng to realize he just wasnt what I deserved and to let him walk away...)

but you would be surprised at how strong you are... I think you know in your heart what is right and I wish you all the best and support.

head up... <3333

i am sorry that you are going thru this .. but it sounds like you guys both feel the same way about leaving your home town ... he doesnt want to move and you dont want to move ... in the end it comes down to who is going to compromise and move ... i think its a very hard descision for both of you ... and you guys need to really sit down and just talk about everything and see what the best way to go is ... i give you both enough credit for making a long disance relationship work ... i am sure you guys will work thru this ...

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I hope everything works out for the two of you.

wow I am so sorry.
it does seem that he is choosing the job over you and after a four year engagement, perhaps that was him puttin it off until he knew. if u love him that much could you try to take the bar out there and move for him instead of him moving for you?
i know it is all about sacrifice and you have to decide too..since he still loves you..are you willing to move for him? if u werent..why would he be willing? even though he said it he might not have wanted it.

i think you have to weigh your options. its sacrifice career and not seeing ur family often for the man u love...or throwing away the love because he cant sacrifice his career to move out here.

i mean it seems selfish on his part...but you didnt want to do it either.
I know my FH couldnt move bc he is DSNY and he will retire in 19 yrs. i would love to move but wont so that he can keep his job.
im sorry you are goin thru this.

I'm soo sorry! You really need to have a serious talk with him. Would you consider moving there permanently?

im so sorry!!!

i think you need to sit down and talk about everything... from what you say it sounds like you two are still in love and you still want to be together.... i think the main situation here is relocating - and i know you said leaving NY would be hard b/c all your fam/friends live here.. but maybe you could move to WA and then have your wedding in NY? a lot of girls on here do that!!

i think you need to think about everything and really talk about things... it sounds like you dont want to give up on your relationship!!

good luck and let us know what happens!!!!

aww...so sorry you are dealing with all this...he seems to be really selfish...you guys really need to talk things out and hopefully everything will work out in the long run..

thanks for everybody's support. he is actually in ny now, staying at my apt so we did talk about it in person. also i totally understand how it sounds hypocritical that i expect him to move for me....but the thing is i love him and probably would stay out there for him....i don't feel like the feeling is mutual though.

its kind of what femme said, is it realy the fireman thing or is it something deeper? the question i have is if i'm moving out there for someone who is not really in love with me? i know no one can answer that question but that is what i'm thinking about now......

I'm so sorry you're going through this

It's good that you talked about it in person with him so you could not only hear his tone of voice, but you could also see his body language (which is very important). I know this is going to be hard, but if you feel that the feelings are not mutual and he is not in love with you as much as he was, then it might be best to break it off. I understand that I'm an outsider looking in and don't know all the details, but that's my advice. You have to follow your heart though.

Good luck and stay strong

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Posted by Blondie77

thanks for everybody's support. he is actually in ny now, staying at my apt so we did talk about it in person. also i totally understand how it sounds hypocritical that i expect him to move for me....but the thing is i love him and probably would stay out there for him....i don't feel like the feeling is mutual though.

its kind of what femme said, is it realy the fireman thing or is it something deeper? the question i have is if i'm moving out there for someone who is not really in love with me? i know no one can answer that question but that is what i'm thinking about now......

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I'm so sorry hun.
I was engaged to someone who lived out of state once. all the promises and plans we had just never seemed to work for him once it was time to actually move foward with them. It's a very difficult situation. I can totally relate to how you're feeling. I do not think you are a hypocrit. You as a couple made a plan and now he's backing out of his end of the deal. You'd be moving to the other side of the continent. Of course you're nervous! It's okay to be. And it's okay to be questioning your fiance's intentions.
While my similar relationship didnt work out because we both just werent that into eachother anymore, it doesnt mean that your fiance feels the same way.

It seems to me that he had a perfectly good way out right there and he didnt use it. He didnt say 'i'm not moving, we're breaking up.' BUT he was honest with you about his concerns which is better to get out of the way NOW before you moved out there.

Keep talking to him. I know that older former firefighters elsewhere are volunteers on the Island. Perhaps if it really is the fireman thing he can get a differant job AND still be a fireman. I don't think the volunteers are any less worthy of the title.

Good luck and lots of hugs. FM if you want to.