Is anyone else catching flack for wanting nice wedding?

NOTHING is wrong with you wanting a nice wedding!

I get grief from both sides of the family, EVERYTIME the topic comes but, but WE are paying for our wedding, and as long as FH and I are in agreement that is all that matters!

Its your wedding, your FH and Yours. Make it how you want it, so you don't regret it.

My FI is being very sweet about this, though he personaly thinks its a total waiste of money, because he knows that is what I want, he supports me 100%. It sounds like your FH is doing the same. Than don't worry about anyone else. Invite them. If they choose not to show up, than that is their choice.

Ok, the first rule of planning a wedding is: PLAN THE WEDDING YOU AND FH WANT!
The second rule is:
PEOPLE WILL GIVE YOU UNWANTED, NASTY, HAIRY, ANNOYING OPINIONS THROUGHOUT THE PROCESS
The third rule is:
YOU MUST USE YOUR GREATEST ABILITY TO TUNE PEOPLE OUT WHEN THEY TALK TO YOU ABOUT YOUR WEDDING
The fourth rule is very similar to the first:
THIS IS YOUR WEDDING, SCREW EVERYONE ELSE!


I don't know, just how I see it

I totally feel your pain. FH is from Nashville and his side of the family is talking all about our over the top extravagent wedding... with 110 guests.... Sorry but that's small!!!!!! F**** them. I want my wedding to be the way I always dreamed. In NY/NJ/CT we do things differently weddings are big, fun and $$$ and I love it that way. It is a celebration of something really great and should be treated that way I am so tired of hearing that my wedding is too expensive and we could have put more down on the house or blah blah .... it's our house, our wedding, and our life..... deal with it or don't come...
vent over!!!!!!

I suggest you take the same attitude. They will never change thier minds and they will never change yours. Have you wedding the way you want to and enjoy it.

Fh wants me ETA that he supports the wedding we want and that he is going to enjoy our fun wedding....

Our families give us grief too. They expected everything to be much cheaper than it actually is. But FH and myself are doing what makes us happy because its our day and it only happens once.

---

Posted by SFP0214

I totally feel your pain. FH is from Nashville and his side of the family is talking all about our over the top extravagent wedding... with 110 guests.... Sorry but that's small!!!!!! F**** them. I want my wedding to be the way I always dreamed. In NY/NJ/CT we do things differently weddings are big, fun and $$$ and I love it that way. It is a celebration of something really great and should be treated that way I am so tired of hearing that my wedding is too expensive and we could have put more down on the house or blah blah .... it's our house, our wedding, and our life..... deal with it or don't come...
vent over!!!!!!

I suggest you take the same attitude. They will never change thier minds and they will never change yours. Have you wedding the way you want to and enjoy it.

Fh wants me ETA that he supports the wedding we want and that he is going to enjoy our fun wedding....

---

gotta love your FH!

I've talked about this plenty of times as you know and now is the time to take your own advice...DO WHAT MAKES YOU BOTH HAPPY
There is absolutly nothing wrong with wanting your wedding to be beautiful and if anything this is the one time I think you should spend money because traditionally this day should be a once in a lifetime and you deserve it. Good Luck!!

I think you and your FH should do whatever is going to make you happy and honestly, I think your faily wants you to do what makes you happy too, they just don't get it. Where you have said your family is from, a reception at a community center/church is extremely normal and common, it's not here in NY. It's common for them to have family members cook for a wedding, it's almost unheard of here in NY. If they have a catered wedding it's usually around, if not less, than $20 a head, and we know that's not going to happen in NY. The bottom line is things are different here when it comes to weddings.
In order to prevent your family from offending you, I think you need to make it very clear to them that things are MUCH different around here and so long as you and your DH are taking care of the wedding expenses, you would rather them not advise you on how to plan your wedding.

yes i totally hear you. i've been catching flack as well. we're at over $200 per person, but it's in the city! i don't think there is anything wrong with wanting a nice wedding. don't worry... it's your day and you should do what makes you happy.

It may not be an easy thing to do, but I would avoid discussing wedding finances with anyone who is not paying. If only you and your FI are paying, then no one else needs to know what you are paying.

I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting a nice wedding. As New Yorkers, I think our idea of a 'nice wedding' differs from others. Everything also costs more here. The only person who was uncomfortable with how much our wedding cost was my FI. I didn't get flack from anyone, though. I did not discuss the cost with anyone other than my mother who paid for half the wedding. I didn't see any reason to discuss the cost with anyone. IMO, it's none of their business.

Sorry you are going through this. Your family probably does not want to see you go in debt over a wedding. Also people in other states don't have wedding like we do on LI so it is harder for them to understand.

Personally if you can't afford it - then I wouldn't have it. You can have a beautiful wedding without spending $100pp.

Lots of luck to you.

---

Posted by kdrainey

I am still in VA with my family for the holidays - leaving on Sunday.

We have been here since 12/23 and FI left for North Carolina to see some of his friends for a few days. Of course the topic of the wedding came up and everyone is giving us grief for thinking of spending $100pp for a wedding. EVEN MY DAD!!!! He said it's only one day and there is no need to throw a party to 'impress' anyone. He says wedding do not have to be expensive and that people make them expensive for no reason.

FI said we are having a wedding, even if it's smaller than we initally planned since he does not want me to wake up one day and be upset about not having a wedding. Apparently lots of his friends wives have been upset about not having a wedding years after the fact - usually after attending a wedding.

My uncle (mom's side) got married in November in Tennessee with is wife's family (most of them but not her dad) and then had another wedding the week of Thanksgiving in Atlanta that my family attended. They are having a third wedding in April so his wife's dad can attend. His FIL is in Africa working. So, my uncle tells us on Christmas Day that the place he is considering has a full wedding for 100 guests for like $5,000 (including flowers, pictures, video etc.). He suggested we get married in Georgia since it will be cheaper.

Another uncle (dad's side) got married earlier this year at a church with several other couples. They had no reception at all and just went to dinner after I think. I did not attend but saw the 10 - 20 pictures that were taken by some family members.

My cousin (18 years old) married her husband on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving and they had a reception at some hotel where she works. I did not attend but my sister said it was a $50 rental fee - yes $50. And that family members cooked.

A friend of mine married her husband about 2 years ago at a Chinese Community Center (neither of them is Chinese) and they had sparkling cider in plastic glasses (my bottom came off). The place looks like a high school gym with cinderblock walls. I recall they had a white plastic floral arch and her brother took pics for free (although he was in the wedding).

My sister's friend had a church wedding and a reception in the back of the church. I think a lot of family members cooked. My niece's father had a church wedding and then a reception at a recreation center with balloons all over the place. My cousin got married in 1999 in a church and the reception was at a recreaction center. I think his wife's family cooked for that wedding.

So, just because I do not want my wedding to be at a rec center and I have not asked my family to cook I am getting a bunch of grief. I guess that because we are willing to spend more than $5,000 we are supposedly 'putting on a show' or trying to 'impress' others.

I am considering cutting my list from 195 to about 100 (taking many of my family members off the list) since they are giving me grief. I even told my brother he is no longer invited with his family since it will save me a few hundred dollars. He kept saying all week long that we should 'call JP' - justice of the peace. He is on marriage # 2 and went that route both times.

My friends (many of them from NYC) are not giving me grief or even asking questions about how much things cost. My coworkers have all been great too. It's just my family and some of FI's family members who ask about the expense of it all ans say we should have the wedding in VA, GA, NJ or other places since it would be cheaper.

What's so wrong with wanting a nice wedding????? Does anyone else get this from family/friends/coworkers?

---

you are not alone hun lol
i get it all the time
my dad said 'why are you going to waste all that money on one night , why dont you have the wedding somwhere close to home'( im sorry i dont want to have it close to home i do not like the halls (for a wedding)
and besides im paying for it so what does he care .. but the funny thing is- he has paid for all the down payments and the extras that i wanted (and he siad don't waste money on one night - hey im not you are lol)

then i have the people at work -you are young why dont you buy a house instead of a big wedding have something small -----mind your business i'll do what i want!!!!!!!!!!

oh don't worry - practically anyone who had a cheaper wedding than you will do this - I don't know why people feel the need to talk about how other people's weddings are too expensive. If someone can afford an expensive wedding, what is it to anyone else?

I suggest that you don't let this crap get to you - do what you want, it is you and FI's day and everyone else can F__ off!

I used to get this, too....but you know....people always have to put their 2 cents in. Who cares....you do what you want....I'm sure they won't be complaining when they are stuffing their faces at your AMAZING cocktail hour and dancing to the SPECTACULAR DJ and ooooohing and aaaagh-ing over your beautiful dress and your flowers!

Just try not to argue with them and don't tell them too many details.....you know you are going to do what YOU want, no matter what they say...so just try to grin and bear it and smile. If worse comes to worse, you can always tell them what you are spending and doing is between you and FH and all your guest has to do is show up and if they ask how much you are spending, say 'Why, are you going to pay for it?'
These people may truly feel like they are trying to help and they have no idea how weddings are on Long Island. So try not to get too mad at them....some of them may just have good intentions......however wrong they are....

omg! you are so not alone in this! once our families found out about the wedding they blasted their opinions and 'suggestions' at us! it's inevitable that our reception's food has to be chinese and let's face it.. chinese restaurants' decor is distastefully done. well, at least to me so we wanted a nicer chinese restaurant like Shun Lee (east side) or even Mr K's which price range is a drastic difference to a regular chinese restaurant. but really.. scott and i wanted a really teeny tiny wedding. we can't take big weddings.. we shy away from them BUT our parents were set on it. from the chinese traditions, the date and the people we should invite... argh! it all got out of hand. this wasn't much of a compromise but we decided to split the wedding into two different dates. it was the only solution we were able to come up with to shut everyone up.
wedding date one: ceremony and reception for 20ppl.
wedding date two: traditional reception with all the fixings for 300ppl - OYE! and tackkkky!

I never understood why people did not tell me the prices they paid for anything when I started wedding planning until I revealed a few of my vendor costs and was told 'you're paying too much' or 'you should have talked to me first, I could have gotten you a deal.' Then I decided to keep my prices to myself and it sounds like maybe you should go that route too (at least with the family). We also only invited the people who were really important to us and decided ahead of time that we were not going to discuss the $ people gave or didn't give as gifts, because I did not want that to factor into what we planned (we spent what we could afford, regardless of what we might get as gifts.) It made for a much more pleasant planning and wedding experience, in my opinion.

I have lived in other parts of the country and been to weddings there, and they are done VERY differently. I think part of the reason these people are giving you a hard time is that they can't imagine spending the amount of $ we spend in this area. I tried to keep a low budget and we spent about $17k total, but for my friends outside of NY, that is still a ton, even though it is modest for this area.

I suggest that you guys do what makes you happy, and just tell people you are not comfortable discussing prices.

What you spend on YOUR wedding should not be anyone's business.........unless you start asking THEM for money. - SO if they're not footing the bill, and you're not asking them for help.........the topic of cost is not their concern. - And anyone from out of the NY/NJ/Conn area has NO clue what a wedding costs here. - And we do go WAY overboard.....but that's not their business!! If you and FH have decided how you will pay for everything, you're perfectly capable of making the decisions and writing the checks !!
GOOD LUCK !!

---

Posted by kdrainey

I am still in VA with my family for the holidays - leaving on Sunday.

We have been here since 12/23 and FI left for North Carolina to see some of his friends for a few days. Of course the topic of the wedding came up and everyone is giving us grief for thinking of spending $100pp for a wedding. EVEN MY DAD!!!! He said it's only one day and there is no need to throw a party to 'impress' anyone. He says wedding do not have to be expensive and that people make them expensive for no reason.

FI said we are having a wedding, even if it's smaller than we initally planned since he does not want me to wake up one day and be upset about not having a wedding. Apparently lots of his friends wives have been upset about not having a wedding years after the fact - usually after attending a wedding.

My uncle (mom's side) got married in November in Tennessee with is wife's family (most of them but not her dad) and then had another wedding the week of Thanksgiving in Atlanta that my family attended. They are having a third wedding in April so his wife's dad can attend. His FIL is in Africa working. So, my uncle tells us on Christmas Day that the place he is considering has a full wedding for 100 guests for like $5,000 (including flowers, pictures, video etc.). He suggested we get married in Georgia since it will be cheaper.

Another uncle (dad's side) got married earlier this year at a church with several other couples. They had no reception at all and just went to dinner after I think. I did not attend but saw the 10 - 20 pictures that were taken by some family members.

My cousin (18 years old) married her husband on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving and they had a reception at some hotel where she works. I did not attend but my sister said it was a $50 rental fee - yes $50. And that family members cooked.

A friend of mine married her husband about 2 years ago at a Chinese Community Center (neither of them is Chinese) and they had sparkling cider in plastic glasses (my bottom came off). The place looks like a high school gym with cinderblock walls. I recall they had a white plastic floral arch and her brother took pics for free (although he was in the wedding).

My sister's friend had a church wedding and a reception in the back of the church. I think a lot of family members cooked. My niece's father had a church wedding and then a reception at a recreation center with balloons all over the place. My cousin got married in 1999 in a church and the reception was at a recreaction center. I think his wife's family cooked for that wedding.

So, just because I do not want my wedding to be at a rec center and I have not asked my family to cook I am getting a bunch of grief. I guess that because we are willing to spend more than $5,000 we are supposedly 'putting on a show' or trying to 'impress' others.

I am considering cutting my list from 195 to about 100 (taking many of my family members off the list) since they are giving me grief. I even told my brother he is no longer invited with his family since it will save me a few hundred dollars. He kept saying all week long that we should 'call JP' - justice of the peace. He is on marriage # 2 and went that route both times.

My friends (many of them from NYC) are not giving me grief or even asking questions about how much things cost. My coworkers have all been great too. It's just my family and some of FI's family members who ask about the expense of it all ans say we should have the wedding in VA, GA, NJ or other places since it would be cheaper.

What's so wrong with wanting a nice wedding????? Does anyone else get this from family/friends/coworkers?

---

Stop telling everybody what you are thinking about spending for your wedding. It only going to cause conflicts with family members. Last year I went through the same thing planning my wedding. My older sister was against me getting married spending all that money for one day. She got married 7 years ago and went to the justice of piece. I know my sister wanted a wedding but her husband was so against it. It felt he would be feeding ungrateful guests who will talk about wedding and eat their food and may not even give you a gift. Well make a long story short my sister just took control over my wedding she has admitted that she should would have a wedding. She said for her ten year anniversary she would like to have a wedding. So go head and do it. P.s if you have people from the south attending your wedding that are not used to fancy wedding like here in NY. My family is also from the south they believe in cooking and having the wedding at the church hall. It is your day it will be a lot of stress, but just remember please don't please your guest please yourself and your future husband. At the end of the day it will be you and him. If you need help I will help you I cut back a lot and trust me I didn't spend a lot on my wedding I spent 12k. You are a lawyer learn how to neogate. You can do it get your dream wedding remember negation is the key.

YOu have to understand that there is no other place in the United States where people pay so much for a wedding. I can understand where your family is confused... My DH's family is from Florida. When his brother got married it was a $17/pp buffet with a cash bar.

When they came to our wedding, they did think it was over the top and showy- because it's not their culture and way of doing things.

With that said, have the wedding that you want that is within your means.. it's not worth it to go into debt for the wedding- considering most marital problems are caused by 'money issues'...

Looking back 2 years later- I would've taken the money and run- eloped on a tropical island or something- but that's just me... the memories of the wedding are starting to fade, and at the end of the day I'm just veyr happy to have my DH by my side- taht's all that matters.