I have been avoiding posting this, because I can't really put it into words (rare for me to be at a loss for words!) But I have been thinking a lot lately and hoping you guys can give me some support on this.
I am due on January 25th and as you know I am growing and enjoying every minute of it. I really am - I mean I complain because...well because I can!, but all in all this has been a miraculous experience from the very beginning. I love knowing I have a little girl brewing in there, I love thinking of her in her little shoes and hats, I love feeling her kick and hiccup and roll and all of it.
There is one thing I feel like I am missing though -and that is a 'connection' to the baby. I can't really explain this feeling - or lack thereof, but I just kind of don't feel like she's my daughter. I don't know if I actually feel....well ...ok gulp...love... It makes me so terribly sad that sometimes I still feel like it's an alien part of me in there that I just can't really relate to. I try to talk to her and involve her in my life. I tell her where we are going when we get in the car, and what adventures we are on...but I just don't feel like I am uniting with her.
I hear these upsetting stories about women who just don't find love for their infants after birth and I am so dreading that I might be one of those women. I am not really known for my 'warmth' in general, and I worry that my feelings in the beginning of my pregnancy still linger. I was so shell-shocked, and quite frankly so depressed and regretful, and I am terrified that those feelings still exist in me somewhere.
Does anybody relate to this?
shamma
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Re: Is there a connection for you yet?
Myth 4: The Experts Tell You Everything.
Mothers say: The books and magazines I read weren't honest. They only showed the positive side of motherhood, [not] the negative feelings that occur.
Reality: New moms quickly discover how little they really knew about motherhood, because no one had ever really told them the truth. They find that the books, magazines and television shows aren't completely realistic in their portrayal of motherhood, emphasizing the joy and downplaying the struggles. These unrealistic images of motherhood can add to new mothers' feelings of failure, because they are having a hard time achieving the 'bliss of parenting' that they've read about.
shamma
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Myth 5: You Can Handle a Baby on Your Own.
Mothers say: I look at a lot of my friends...and they look like they've got it all under control. They look like they're doing a great job. Why can't I? What's wrong with me?
Reality: It takes more than two hands to raise a baby! Learn to ask for help from immediate family, friends, other parents and neighbors. And when people you trust offer to help, accept their offers! The more you let people into your life, the more you'll realize that you are not a failure for needing help—most people have had similar experiences.
shamma
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Myth 6: Bonding Comes Naturally.
Mothers say: I don't think anybody really tells you how you can bond with your child. It's something that you have to discover through a difficult road of sleepless nights and crying.
Reality: In many societies around the world, entire communities of women support new mothers for months after the birth of a baby, so that she can focus on falling in love with her baby. In our culture, women are left alone to care for all aspects of their new life. According to recent surveys, up to 40% of new moms admit they don't feel genuine affection for their babies until the end on the first week. For many others, it takes months. This delay in bonding has nothing to do with postpartum depression.
shamma
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Myth 7:Your Sex Life Will Be the Same.
Mothers say: In the beginning, hormonally it's natural [not to want to have sex]. Chemically, you're breastfeeding and you just don't have the same sex drive. I was relieved to read that...then you're just tired and you don't have the time to get into it.
Reality: On average, a woman loses 700 hours of sleep during the first year of her baby's life. No wonder women are too tired to have sex! Take the time to make sure your needs are met, emotionally and physically. Adult conversation may be stimulating foreplay. You can't go back to your old sex life, but you can work with your partner to make your sex life satisfying.
shamma
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Myth 8: Your Body Is Not Your Own.
Mothers say: I look forward to the time where she's not nursing...so that I can reclaim my physical body. I miss that, I miss it not being some one's play gymnasium.
Reality: Your baby sees you as food, your lover sees your voluptuous new curves. But after changing diapers, breastfeeding, being climbed on and drooled on all day long, it's understandable that an amorous lover is the last thing you want touching your body! After the miracle of birth, it's okay to mourn the loss of the body you once had. But be kind to yourself and love yourself. There's only one you!
shamma
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Re: Is there a connection for you yet?
Myth 9: Mom Is All That You Are.
Mothers say: It's really a struggle to put your own needs aside, your own goals, your own thoughts, and focus on the baby. You're giving up a lot of yourself.
Reality: New mom Debra Roberts, TV reporter and wife of the Today show's Al Roker, admits, 'I went out to lunch with a friend and I forgot about the baby for a while. I thought, 'I'm a terrible mother! How could I forget about the baby?' You feel like you should be a mother all the time, but we're not anything else all the time.' You shouldn't stop having fun just because you're a mother. And if you don't take time to nurture yourself, you won't have the energy to take care of your family.
michele31
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Re: Is there a connection for you yet?
Jenny you are NOT crazy or 'wrong' or a 'bad' mother for feeling a lack of 'connection' to your unborn child. Pregnancy, motherhood...we all put sooo many expectations on ourselves. I know, I am one of the worst offenders. I have been in your shoes many times during my pregnancy. I wanted very much to get pregnant and I was blessed when I found out that we were having a baby BUT there were times during the pregnancy that I wasn't sure if we TTC too soon, if we should have saved more money before TTC, if we should have gone on another big vacation before TTC. And then there were all the complications...it was not easy always feeling blessed when you are in pain that knocks you to your knees for days on end.
I am sure there are days that mothers look at their child with love and still think 'are you really my child'. Love for your child does not mean from day one of conception all you have is butterfly days full of sunshine! It takes time to fall in love Jenny. It takes time to know the person growing inside of you. And that is one of the reasons, I believe, God gives us 40 weeks before the baby gets here.
jenny11.9
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Re: Is there a connection for you yet?
thanks guys - thank you shamma for all that information. the power of research is such a valuable tool - it proves to me so often that i am never really alone in anything. there is always somebody out there who has been bold enough to tell their story!
i guess i will just have to be patient and trust that there is a bigger power working here. something i cannot control. (not my best specialty - giving up control that is.....ah another challenge!)
bearsbabe_113
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Aw Jenny, don't worry, you are normal!!! A lot of women feel that way. But like everyone else said, once that baby is in your arms, you'll fall in love!! And like JennRenee said, you'll fall in love more and more everyday!!! And what an AMAZING LOVE IT IS!!!!!
Listen, with all those hormones flying around you're bound to feel all sorts of emotions -- from one extreme to the other!!!! Even AFTER the baby comes!! There were days (and still are) where Joe will find me crying and saying 'aren't you happy? What's wrong NOW?' and I'm like (sob) 'nothing, I'm perfectly happy (sob)'!!!!
BriarRose
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Re: Is there a connection for you yet?
You are so brave!! So many dont have the courage to speak the truth out of fear they will be misunderstood or labeled as bad moms.
But being honest is what makes you a good mom.
Please remember that those Johnson and Johnson commercials and the ads in those parenting magazines are not real. Motherhood and pregnancy are not nearly as blissful as they want to make it out to be. It's a gift yes, but not a fairytale. Dont think that you should be feeling that way about the life growing inside you.
I mean how long did it take for you and your DH to fall in love? You had to get to know him first. Why should it be any different with this baby?
It took me several weeks after the birth of my son to feel connected and bond with him. I felt no connection during pregnancy or the first few moments after birth. I was tired and when we got home I was terrified.
You will love this child. I cannot say when the moment will happen but, at somepoint they will look at you and you just can feel your heart being placed from your chest into their hands.
jenny11.9
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Re: Is there a connection for you yet?
'You will love this child. I cannot say when the moment will happen but, at somepoint they will look at you and you just can feel your heart being placed from your chest into their hands. '
BriarRose that is one of the nicest things I have heard in a long time. Thank you.....
anna
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Re: Is there a connection for you yet?
Posted by jenny11.9
'You will love this child. I cannot say when the moment will happen but, at somepoint they will look at you and you just can feel your heart being placed from your chest into their hands. '
BriarRose that is one of the nicest things I have heard in a long time. Thank you.....
I have to SECOND That. That was priceless and very true
