Is there a connection for you yet?

I have been avoiding posting this, because I can't really put it into words (rare for me to be at a loss for words!) But I have been thinking a lot lately and hoping you guys can give me some support on this.

I am due on January 25th and as you know I am growing and enjoying every minute of it. I really am - I mean I complain because...well because I can!, but all in all this has been a miraculous experience from the very beginning. I love knowing I have a little girl brewing in there, I love thinking of her in her little shoes and hats, I love feeling her kick and hiccup and roll and all of it.

There is one thing I feel like I am missing though -and that is a 'connection' to the baby. I can't really explain this feeling - or lack thereof, but I just kind of don't feel like she's my daughter. I don't know if I actually feel....well ...ok gulp...love... It makes me so terribly sad that sometimes I still feel like it's an alien part of me in there that I just can't really relate to. I try to talk to her and involve her in my life. I tell her where we are going when we get in the car, and what adventures we are on...but I just don't feel like I am uniting with her.

I hear these upsetting stories about women who just don't find love for their infants after birth and I am so dreading that I might be one of those women. I am not really known for my 'warmth' in general, and I worry that my feelings in the beginning of my pregnancy still linger. I was so shell-shocked, and quite frankly so depressed and regretful, and I am terrified that those feelings still exist in me somewhere.

Does anybody relate to this?

I felt the same way. I was so sick with morning sickness, my siatic nerve was hurting me, I was so swollen it was hideous, I had gestational diabetes, and I was just plain exhasted. I would keep saying to Steve can you believe we are having a baby all the time, to the point where he would get upset like I didn't want him. I was just so scared about what was going to happen. But as soon as I saw Damien, held and nursed him for the first time I fell completely head over heels in love. You will too. Was this a 'planned' pregnancy? I think for me a lot of it had to do with the fact that it happened the first try. I never thought I would get pregnant so fast. I didn't even get to be a newlywed(at least that was how I felt). Don't worry Jenny you will love your little girl beyond measure. I wish I had the guts to bring this up when I felt the same. It's makes me feel better to know I wasn't the only one.

Stacy we weren't 'trying' at all actually - in fact, I was planning on going back on the pill at the time. Which also makes me feel kind of guilty.....thanks for the response. It does make me feel a lot better to know that I am not alone on this one. My husband doesn't really understand though he does try. I even asked him the other day if he was at all afraid of the baby. He looked at me like I was nuts. I blamed it on hormones and went to bed. But cried myself to sleep.....

I would do the same to Steve and then feel guilty for being scared. I think because they don't carry the baby they can't understand. Try not to cry You will fall in love I promise you. I can't imagine my life without Damien now.

Jenny- I think your feelings are perfectly normal.

As I've mentioned to you before, my SIL was vehemently opposed to being pregnant at the time she conceived, and was angry about it for a long time. Once she came to terms with the situation and her feelings changed, she started worrying that all her past negativity would affect the baby or affect their relationship.

It never did. She had a healthy baby boy and has turned into the most child-focused mom you could be (to the point where it drives the rest of us crazy, but whatever ).

Now 6 years later, she has 3.

Don't worry. You're going to be a fabulous mommy, and I have no doubt you'll fall in love with your little girl.

(I can totally understand why you may not have the connection yet - having another life growing inside you is just so surreal!)

AWE, Jenny, dont feel bad about how youre feeling. Pregnancy and motherhood takes ALOT of adjusting, emotionally and physically. Its hard to imagine this HUGE responsibility coming into your life, all the impacts of having a baby, but soon enough, all of the joys will outweigh all your worries and 'negative' feelings.
There were times when I was nursing that I was in such PAIN (BFing issues) that Id DREAD it when John brough me over the baby for feeding. Id have this look like 'OH NO NOT AGAIN!!!' and sometimes feel like that little rascal was 'causing' the pain in some way and get a little angry and resentful and overwhelmed all at once. I guess its BFing (totally different story) and how it can take over SO MUCH of your day that I began to feel so overwhelmed some days..
I know its not the same, but I just wanted to let you know that in the process of pregnancy and new-mommy-hood its totally normal to feel 'different' feelings from day to day.

I admire you for being able to speak about it, and trust me, youre such a bubbly, fun and sweet person. You and this little girl will be bonding before you know it. I was so not used to the fact that I was a mommy, that for MONTHS Id say to John Anthony 'Come to Zia or Zia's coming' since my sister had kids 3years before me, I was so used to being the aunt and not the mommy.

IT all takes adjusting, at your own pace.
Take it one day at a time, and dont feel sad or guilty about what youre feeling.
Youre only human
Vent as much as you need to

Jenny, I think I've mentioned to you before that pregnancy kind of 'snuck up' on me as well. I always imagined that pregannacy would happen to me after months of trying and having 'baby fever'. Instead, I feel it happened too easily and that I am almost taking it for granted.
95% of the time, I am so looking forward to bringing my little girl into the world, but for that 5% I still have moments of complete terror and anxiety. I wonder how I'm going to be as a mother, whether I'll still be 'me' even though I'll be a mom, how a child will affect my marriage, how I'm going to juggle a full-time career, grad school and motherhood (will I even be able to finish my degree?)...I wonder about all these things.
I know that I can be a pretty selfish person with my time and emotions. At 28, I still feel like a child myself sometimes, so I'm curious to see how motherhood will change that. Sometimes I'm really scared that it won't and that I'll be a horrible mom!

Just wanted to add, that although pregnancy has been amazing and life-changing, I don't think it's anything like actually holding your baby in your arms. Mentally I know there's a child inside me, but I don't think I'll actually feel it 100% until the baby is born.
So I guess what I'm saying is don't worry, you're not alone!

I had major issues with the very same things. I was excited about my baby, but I didn't feel the way I *thought* I was suposed to, and that bothered me A LOT.

At birth, when they layed Nicolas on my belly, I was in complete awe of him, but again, I was upset because I didn't feel the greatest love of my life.

The next morning (actually it was only 4 or 5 hours later ) when Nicky came to visit me for a feeding, I looked into his trusting little face and saw him looking at me as if he knew me, and THAT'S when I fell in love, and I fall more madly in love with that bugger every day.

So, in answer to your question, you are NORMAL. 250% NORMAL.

I feel like this from time to time... and don't like to admit it either. Every day my husband either kisses my belly or gives it a little rub and tells little Madeleine that he loves her... then he asks me if I love her. Each and everytime my responce is... 'I don't know... I don't even know her yet.' And I feel terrible for saying that.

I'm not even all excited about decorating her room... he is. But I think it had to do with the fact that she came into our lives unexpectedly. I had just started a 2nd master's program and was so freaked.

I brought this up with one of DH's aunts and she said that I'll be just fine... I really hope so. If not, I'm going to run crying to her... But I just don't picture myself as the 'motherly-type,' so that really scares me too!

Jenny, Although I can't speak from experience I can tell you a story about a friend of mine and her worries. Her son is now 1 years old and all during her pregnancy she was very worried that she was not only going to not like her child, but worried she may not even be able to love him. I remember she would say 'I hope I love it as much as my cat!'

But when the time came, it was love at first sight and she does not stop talking about it! She always tells me that she cannot wait for me to experience having a child because you just don't understand until you actually have your child in your arms.

So, don't worry, it seems that your feelings are totally normal. My friend definately loves her son more than her cat despite her fears!

There is a great book written about this very subject. It is by Naomi Feminist (the author of the Beauty Myth). She was also on Oprah last year talking about this very topic. The book is called:

Misconceptions: Truth, Lies, and the Unexpected on the Journey to Motherhood

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Posted by JennRenee

I had major issues with the very same things. I was excited about my baby, but I didn't feel the way I *thought* I was suposed to, and that bothered me A LOT.

At birth, when they layed Nicolas on my belly, I was in complete awe of him, but again, I was upset because I didn't feel the greatest love of my life.

The next morning (actually it was only 4 or 5 hours later ) when Nicky came to visit me for a feeding, I looked into his trusting little face and saw him looking at me as if he knew me, and THAT'S when I fell in love, and I fall more madly in love with that bugger every day.

So, in answer to your question, you are NORMAL. 250% NORMAL.

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Aww Jenn, you made me tear up with that!!

I remember feeling this way too. Even when I had him, I had a c-section and then he was taken away to go into ICU for a bit, I felt no connection. I was also exhausted and hurting and all I wanted was sleep.
The next day...everything changed. And as JennRenee said, it grows every single day. When you think you couldn't possibly love them any more, you wake up the next day more in love.

It will come, and don't feel bad for the way that you're feeling. It's a very emotional (not to mention hormonal!) time. You will look back on all of this one day and realize that you had absolutely nothing to worry about.

Good luck to you

I am not speaking as one who is or ever was preggo but I can tell you that those thoughts cross my mind all the time. Will I feel the connection, will my child and I have the relationship like my mom and I have? will I be a good mother and the list goes on and on.

I say sometimes, God really knows best why I am not yet preggo b/c sometimes I can be so selfish with my time, my money and my hubbby, it scares me that this things is going to take over my life and for a while Sometimes I look at myself and I say you are still such a kid, how are you going to take care of someone else?

I do not think anything is wrong with my thoughts or your feelings. There is a show that Oprah did about the truth about being a parent, what people really don't tell you and one of them is you do not fall in love with your baby right away and that is ok. You are normal, you are not the first and you are not the last.

Misconceptions: Truth, Lies, and the Unexpected on the Journey to Motherhood
By Naomi Wolf
From the show What Your Mother Never Told You About Motherhood and What Mothers Honestly Think About Motherhood


From The Publisher:

Not since The Beauty Myth has Naomi Wolf written such a powerful and passionate critique of American culture—this time focusing on the hidden costs and vested interests surrounding pregnancy and birth in America. While in the grip of one of the most primal, lonely, sensual, and, in some ways, physically dangerous experiences they are likely to undergo, American women, Wolf argues, are offered condescending advice and damaging misconceptions about the nature of pregnancy, birth and new motherhood.

Wolf's own first experience with pregnancy and motherhood took her aback, profoundly challenging her most basic assumptions about feminism, the nuances of abortion, and the easy expectations of freedom and equality that women of her generation hold. In a narrative that follows the nine months of pregnancy and the first few months of early parenthood, Misconceptions illuminates the conflicting feelings of inadequacy, fragility and even anger that so many women experience along with their sense of anticipation and joy. So often these feelings go unvoiced because of women's fears of being seen as a 'bad' mother. Wolf describes her own difficult path to first-time motherhood, and in doing so, criticizes the failure of the medical establishment to provide pregnant women with a safe, effective and emotionally supportive environment in which to labor. She shares riveting stories of postpartum disillusionment, as well as discloses the relationship struggles that even the most committed of couples fall into when faced with the demands of new parenthood.

In a dramatic interweaving of personal revelations and social commentary, Wolf shows that despite their much-touted reverence for families, American businesses and society make few concessions to the emotional and economic needs of new parents and, in fact, place extraordinary pressures on them. Her conclusions, delivered with unflinching honesty, provide a telling and candid account of the journey to motherhood in America today. Misconceptions is sure to spark intense debate over the myths and expectations that underlie contemporary pregnancy and birth, as well as about how we can better offer mothers what they truly need.

The Myths of Motherhood

Many women are surprised to find that they are unprepared for the realities of motherhood. Having a baby changes your body, your relationships and your self-image. Here are some of the most common misconceptions we've heard from mothers and advice on what you might expect instead.

1. You're a Failure if You Admit It's Hard.
2. Breastfeeding Will Be Easy.
3. Other Mothers Will Be Your Best Allies.
4. The Experts Tell You Everything.
5. You Can Handle a Baby on Your Own.
6. Bonding Comes Naturally.
7. Your Sex Life Will Be the Same.
8. Your Body Is Not Your Own.
9. Being a Mom Is All That You Are.

Myth 1: You're a Failure If You Admit It's Hard.

Mothers say: I feel like I'm such a bad mother, because no one wants to say anything bad about their children. It's very hard to admit that it's hard.

Reality: It's a misconception to think that women are naturally good mothers. Many women find that motherhood is often too hard to handle, but they don't want to talk about the negatives because they're afraid of being labeled as a 'bad mother.' You may not feel like a mother on the day you bring your baby home from the hospital. You may struggle with feelings of guilt because you crave time alone, or you become impatient with your child. There is no shame in admitting that motherhood isn't easy.

Myth 2: Breastfeeding Will Be Easy.

Mothers say: I really felt like a failure when I wasn't able to breastfeed my baby in the very beginning.

Reality: Many women have trouble with breastfeeding. They often experience feelings of guilt and failure, because it seems like it should come naturally. Women are also told that breastfeeding is best for their babies, so when they have trouble, they feel that they've failed. Beginning breastfeeding is difficult, and can be painful. It may take some hard work, and it may not work for you and your baby. Knowing about these difficulties before your baby is born may help you cope with your feelings.

Myth 3: Other Mothers Will Be Your Best Allies.

Mothers say: It seems as though there's somewhat of a competition. People don't want to fully divulge how much of a challenge motherhood is.

Reality: Other mothers are equally terrified of looking like a bad parent, so no one talks about the difficulties. Women also tend to judge each other harshly, so you may find comparisons, like, 'You let your child watch that much television?' or 'He's not walking yet?' What mothers need is a support system to share their experiences, so they know they're not alone. If women felt a sense of community, they might be more willing to talk about their struggles.