JOTD!

SO are we having Joke of the Day today???

If so, POST JOKES!!!!!!!



Time for Marriage

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather trustingly.

Well,' she says, responding very carefully, 'I'd have to say I would like it infrequently.'

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually asking, 'Was that one word or two?'

A Really Bad Day

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, 'Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry.'

'No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.'

'I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.'

30 ways to annoy people

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. (LOL)

2. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

3. Insist that your e mail address is: [email protected] or [email protected].

4. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that. (LOL)

5. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

6. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN.'

7. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

8. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

9. In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors.' (LOL)

10. Reply to everything someone says with, 'That's what you think.' (LOL)

11. Finish all your sentences with 'In accordance with the prophecy.' (LOL)

12. Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way. (LOL)

13. Don't use any punctuation

14. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

15. Ask people what sex they are. (LOL)

16. Specify that your drive-through order is 'to go.' (LOL)(LOL)(LOL)

17. Sing Along at the opera.

18. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme. (LOL)

19. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.) (LOL)

20. Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom. (LOL)(LOL)(LOL)

21. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. (LOL)

22. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood. (LOL)(LOL)(LOL)

23. Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies (LOL)(LOL)

24. Call the psychic hotline and just say, 'Guess' (LOL)(LOL)

25. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard. (LOL)

26. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream 'I Won!', 'I Won!' '3rd time this week!!!' (LOL)(LOL)(LOL)(LOL)

27. When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling 'Run for your lives, they're loose!' (LOL)(LOL)(LOL)(LOL)(LOL)

28. Tell your boss, 'It's not the voices in my head that bother me, its the voices in your head that do' (LOL)(LOL)(LOL)(LOL)(LOL)

29. Tell your children over dinner. 'Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go' (LOL)(LOL)

30. Everytime you see a broom yell 'Honey, your mother is here'

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Posted by ness83

lol!

Here's one...

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20, for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for the next 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes, he explained that his company had gone through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go - It was unlikely that at the age of 55, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed thirty years of deposits and interest totaling nearly $ 1 million. Then, she showed him stock certificates issued by the bank which were worth over $ 2 million and informed him that they were the largest stockholders in the bank. She explained that for 30 years, she had charged him for sex and these holdings were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'

You know, sometimes men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut...

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We are SMARTER

hee hee thanks for the chuckles ladies!

I don't have any jokes to post right now, but thanks for the laughs!

A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, 'Mommy, why does the girl wear white?'

His mom replies, 'The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life.'

The boy thinks about this, and then says, 'Well then, why is the boy wearing black?'

***************************************


Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob
suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

'Are you the owner?' The pharmacist answers yes.

Says Jacob: 'We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?'

Pharmacist: 'Of course we do.'

Jacob: 'How about medicine for circulation?'
Pharmacist: 'All kinds.'

Jacob: 'Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? '

Pharmacist: 'Definitely.'

Jacob: 'How about Viagra?'

Pharmacist: 'Of course.'

Jacob: 'Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?'

Pharmacist: 'Yes, a large variety. The works.'

Jacob: 'What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?'

Pharmacist: 'Absolutely.'

Jacob: 'You sell wheelchairs and walkers?'

Pharmacist: 'All speeds and sizes.'

Jacob says to the pharmacist: 'We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please.'

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Mathematics of Marriage

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Dumb man + smart woman = affair
Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime


***********************************************

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:

'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever '

'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:

'Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last'

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Posted by FutureMrsLMS

A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, 'Mommy, why does the girl wear white?'

His mom replies, 'The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life.'

The boy thinks about this, and then says, 'Well then, why is the boy wearing black?'

***************************************


Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob
suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

'Are you the owner?' The pharmacist answers yes.

Says Jacob: 'We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?'

Pharmacist: 'Of course we do.'

Jacob: 'How about medicine for circulation?'
Pharmacist: 'All kinds.'

Jacob: 'Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? '

Pharmacist: 'Definitely.'

Jacob: 'How about Viagra?'

Pharmacist: 'Of course.'

Jacob: 'Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?'

Pharmacist: 'Yes, a large variety. The works.'

Jacob: 'What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?'

Pharmacist: 'Absolutely.'

Jacob: 'You sell wheelchairs and walkers?'

Pharmacist: 'All speeds and sizes.'

Jacob says to the pharmacist: 'We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please.'

******************************

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I Love those 2!