JOTD!!!

The Other Side
Once upon a time, there was a river. The Nile River, to be exact. On one side of the river lived the rabbit, and on the other side lived the bear.

One fine day, the bear was sitting on a stump, enjoying his breakfest of berries. Then he heard someone yelling at him. It was the rabbit.

'Hey! Hey, Teddy, get your butt over here. I've got something to show you!'

'Not now! I'm eating.'

'Oh come on!' said the rabbit. 'It's really important.'

'No way.'

'Please. It's urgent.'

So the bear decided to go all the way over the wide river. It took him all day and all night to get over to the other side. He nearly drowned. And when he finally got there he was groaning and panting, and wheezing for air.

'Well, rabbit,' he panted. 'What did you want to tell me?'

'Hey, Teddy,' the rabbit began, 'look how many berries are on the other side of the river.'



Dear God,

Yesterday was an awful day for me..

My husband ran off with his secretary.
My son pierced his eyebrow.
My daughter tattooed the bald spot on her head.
My dog mated with the neighbours cat.
My neighbour sold her house to a mental institution.
My Mom told me I was adopted.
My boss told me I was laid off.
My sister was arrested for prostitution.
My house has termites.
My car was stolen.
All that came in the mail was bills.
A plane crash landed on my garage.
OJ Simpson came to my door selling rug cleaner.
And my TV blew.

Lord, please be with me today.

I was able to live through all that misery yesterday. And I will be able to make it through anything today!

But please.... DON'T LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO MY COMPUTER!



Clever Teacher
A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever.'

A smart *** guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'



Almost Perfect Life
An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. A young jogger comes by and asks him what is the matter.

The old man says, 'I'm a multimillionare, I have a great big house, the fastest car in the world and I just married a beautiful blonde bombshell who satisfies me every night in bed whether I like it or not (sob).'

The young jogger says, 'Man, you have everything I have ever dreamed for in my life. What could be so wrong in your life that you are sitting here in the park crying?'

The old man says, 'I can't remember where I live.'



Letter to God
Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.

His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.

'Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.'

Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.

Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday.

Little Leroy, of course, thought he did.

Leroy's mother, being a religious woman, wanted Leroy to reflect on his behavior over the last year.

'Go to your room, Leroy, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday.'

Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

Letter #1:
'Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend, Leroy'

Leroy knew that wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year so he tore up the letter and started over.

Letter #2:
'Dear God,
I have been an 'OK' boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday.

Leroy'

Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either. So he wrote a third letter.

Letter #3:
God,
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please!

Thank you,
Leroy'

Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike.

By now Leroy was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church. Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked as Leroy looked very sad.

'Just be home in time for dinner', Leroy's mother told him.

Leroy walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Leroy went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there.

Leroy bent down and picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.

Leroy began to write yet another letter to God.

Letter #4:
'God, I've got your mama. If you want to see her again, send the bike!

Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO'



Assassin Interview
fter all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists for the CIA assasin position — two men and one woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.'

The first man said. 'You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'

The agent replies, 'Then you’re not the right man for this job.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room.

All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. 'I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.'

The agent replies 'You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, 'You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.'


The Diaper
One day, shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to run some errands.

The proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son. Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry.

The father did everything he could think of doing, but the baby wouldn't stop crying.

Finally, the dad got so worried that he decided to take the infant to the doctor.

After the doctor listened to the father relate all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area.

When he undid the diaper, he found that the diaper was indeed full.

'Here's the problem', the Dr. said, 'He needs to be changed!'

The father was very perplexed, 'But the diaper package says it is good for up to 10 lbs.!'



Slide Under The Table
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, 'Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.'

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, 'Ohh no, My husband just walked in the door.'



A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no good in bed either,' and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and calls home.

She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, 'What took you so long to answer the phone?'

She says, 'I was in bed.'

'In bed this early, doing what?' Shouts the doctor.

'Getting a second opinion!'