JOTD =)

A MAN MEETS A GENIE

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double.

The man thinks for a moment and then says, 'OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death.'





AN EASY ENOUGH MISTAKE

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, 'Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.'

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, 'No he didn't. He just walked in the door.'



AT THE SUPERMARKET

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on.

Finally he went to the check-out line, but she got in front of him. 'Pardon me,' she said, 'I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who I haven't seen in a long time.'

'That's a shame,' replied the young man, 'is there anything I can do for you?'

'Yes,' she said, 'As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!'? It would make me feel so much better.'

'Sure,' answered the young man. So, when the old woman was leaving, he called out, 'Goodbye, Mother!'

As he stepped up to the check-out counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. 'How can that be?' he asked, 'I only purchased a few things!'

The clerk replied, 'Your mother said that you would pay for her.'



BUYING CONDOMS

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

'Well,' he said, 'I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's 'the' night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack.' The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, 'You never told me that you were such a religious person.'

The boy leans over to her and whispers, 'You never told me that your father is a pharmacist.'




GUESSING GAMES FOR DINNER

Once there was a family who was given some venison by a friend. The wife cooked up the deer steaks, and served it to the husband and children. The husband thought it would be fun to have the children guess what it was that they were eating.

'Is is beef?' The daughter Katie asked.

'Nope.'

'Is it pork?' the son Willie asked.

'Nope.'

'Heck, we don't know, Dad!' Willie exclaimed.

'I'll give you a clue,' the Dad said, 'It's what your mom sometimes calls me.'

'Spit it out, Willie!' cried Katie, 'We're eating *******!!'



DRIVING HOME ONE AFTERNOON

A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He looks in his rear view mirror and notices a police car with its red lights. He thinks, 'I can outrun this guy', so he floors it.

The cars are racing down the highway - 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy realizes he can't outrun the cop so he gives up and pulls over to the curb.

The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says 'Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go.'

The man thought for a moment and said, 'Three weeks ago my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!'






HONEYMOON IN A LOG CABIN

A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and they had not been seen for 5 days. An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds.

The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.
'Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love'.

The old man replied, 'I thought so...would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window...they're choking my ducks!'




THE DIAGNOSIS

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynaecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.

As he does this he says to the woman, 'Do you know what I'm doing?'

'Yes,' she says, 'you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.'

'That's right,' says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. 'Do you know what I'm doing now?' he asks.

'Yes,' the woman says, 'you're checking for any lumps of breast cancer.'

'That's right,' replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, 'Do you know what I'm doing now?'

'Yes,' she says. 'You're getting herpes.'




THE MULTICOLORED CAB

Two cab drivers met. 'Hey,' asked one, 'why did you paint one side of your cab red and the other side blue?'

'Well,' the other responded, 'when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other.'

Thanks for a good laugh!

lol these are too funny