JOTD =-)

It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died.

St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, 'Tell me about the day you died.' The man said, 'Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from.'

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. 'Well, sir, it was awful,' said the second man. 'I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!'

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. 'Tell me about the day you died?” he said to the third man in line. 'OK, picture this; I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator....'



Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says 'I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.'



On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, 'What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob.' All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says 'Don’t forget the coffee!'



Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. 'I’ll go into town for a doctor,' the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. 'I can’t leave,' the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.' The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?' the victim asks. 'He says you’re gonna die.'



A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says 'What the hell was that all about?'



A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells 'You should have been here at 8:30!' he replies: 'Why? What happened at 8:30?'



I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks 'Are you reading that?' I didn’t know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.



I was coming back from Canada, driving through Customs, and the guy asked, 'Do you have any firearms with you?' I said: 'What do you need?'



A guy tells his psychiatrist: ‘It was terrible. I was away on business, and I emailed my wife that I’d be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with my best friend. I don’t get it. How could she do this to me?' 'Well,' says the psychiatrist. 'Maybe she didn’t see the email.'






Thought of the day

Thanks for sharing