JOTD TGIF!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Books for College
A Polish student was in his the college
campus bookstore.
Questioning the store clerk about a book for one of his classes, the clerk responded, 'This book will do half the job for you.'
'Good,' the Polack replied, 'I'll take two.'
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Things never to say to a cop
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says 'Gee Son.. Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?' You probably shouldn't respond with,'Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?'
Never argue with a women
A couple go on holiday to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota.
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The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies (thinking it was obvious).
'You're in a restricted fishing area' he informs her.
'I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I am reading' she replies.
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up'' the warden says.
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you!' says the game warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment.'
How To Get Revenge on 'The Other Man'
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A construction worker comes home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he grabs the guy and drags him naked down the stairs to the garage. He grabs the guy's ****, puts it in a vise, screws it down real tight
and removes the handle of the vise. Then he rummages around in a drawer
until he finds a hacksaw, which he picks up and displays to the terrified
man.
The man, wide-eyed, screams, 'Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut off my ****, are you?'
The husband hands him the hacksaw and says: 'Nope. You are. I'm setting the garage on fire.'
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Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Joe the Bellboy.
The first man married a nurse. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself, 'What a lucky guy. Nurses are known to be hot to trot'.
The second man married a telephone operator. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself,'Wow, he's a lucky one. Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top button...'.
The third man married a school teacher. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself 'poor guy, she's pretty but teachers are just too frigid'. The next morning Joe reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected only the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two would call much later in the day. 6:00 a.m. --------- The phone rings it's the nurse's husband wanting breakfast.
The nurse's husband opened the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.
Joe asked, 'What happened sir? You married a nurse.
The man sourly replies, 'Son, don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying ' you're not sanitary, you're not sanitary'.
Joe went back down to the main desk to wait for the next call.
6:30 a.m. -------- The telephone operator's husband calls for breakfast.
Joe brings it as fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opens the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man's hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed. Joe asks,' What happened?
Telephone operators are suppose to be as sexy as their voices.'
The man sourly replies 'Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was her a nasal voice saying, 'your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up.'
Joe went back down to the desk, just knowing the teachers husband will be calling any minute.
4:30 p.m. -------- The teacher's husband called for breakfast. Joe can't believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couples room.
The man opened the door and Joe took a step back in shock. He wore only his boxers and his hair was a mess. He had scratch marks on his chest, arms and legs.
Joe fearing the worst asked 'What happened to you? Did you have a fight?'
The man smiles and happily replies, 'No. Son, when you marry be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice saying, 'We are going to do this over and over, until we get right.'
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TO MY DEAR WIFE,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. Ihave succeeded 36 times,which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean 17 times it was too late 49 times you were too tired 20 times it was too hot 15 times you pretended to be asleep 22 times you had a headache 17 times you were afraid of waking the baby 16 times you said you were too sore 12 times it was the wrong time of the month 19 times you had to get up early 9 times you said weren't in the mood 7 times you were sunburned 6 times you were watching the late show 5 times you didn't want to muss your new hair-do 3 times you said the neighbors would hear us 9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because 6 times you just layed there, 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished, and one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat 36 times you did not come home at all 21 times you didn't cum 33 times you came too soon 19 times you went soft before you got in 38 times you worked too late 10 times you got cramps in your toes 29 times you had to get up early to play golf 2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls 4 times you got it stuck in your zipper 3 times you had a cold and your nose was running 2 times you had a splinter in your finger 20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day 6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book 98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV
Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, 'would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?' The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe
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One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, 'You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle.'
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better
and replied with silence.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, 'You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra.'
This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she
said, 'You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the poolman . . . and your brother!
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Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to 'Instruction Manuals'
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It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring
dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt.
The zoo is not very busy this morning.As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the woman, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along.
She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.
She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.
'Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him.' he says. This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips.
Then the husband nabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her into the cage with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut. 'Now, tell HIM you have a headache . . . '
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Enjoy....
A Polish student was in his the college
campus bookstore.
Questioning the store clerk about a book for one of his classes, the clerk responded, 'This book will do half the job for you.'
'Good,' the Polack replied, 'I'll take two.'
Things never to say to a cop
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says 'Gee Son.. Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?' You probably shouldn't respond with,'Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?'
Never argue with a women
A couple go on holiday to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota.
The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies (thinking it was obvious).
'You're in a restricted fishing area' he informs her.
'I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I am reading' she replies.
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up'' the warden says.
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you!' says the game warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment.'
How To Get Revenge on 'The Other Man'
A construction worker comes home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he grabs the guy and drags him naked down the stairs to the garage. He grabs the guy's ****, puts it in a vise, screws it down real tight
and removes the handle of the vise. Then he rummages around in a drawer
until he finds a hacksaw, which he picks up and displays to the terrified
man.
The man, wide-eyed, screams, 'Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut off my ****, are you?'
The husband hands him the hacksaw and says: 'Nope. You are. I'm setting the garage on fire.'
Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Joe the Bellboy.
The first man married a nurse. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself, 'What a lucky guy. Nurses are known to be hot to trot'.
The second man married a telephone operator. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself,'Wow, he's a lucky one. Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top button...'.
The third man married a school teacher. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself 'poor guy, she's pretty but teachers are just too frigid'. The next morning Joe reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected only the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two would call much later in the day. 6:00 a.m. --------- The phone rings it's the nurse's husband wanting breakfast.
The nurse's husband opened the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.
Joe asked, 'What happened sir? You married a nurse.
The man sourly replies, 'Son, don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying ' you're not sanitary, you're not sanitary'.
Joe went back down to the main desk to wait for the next call.
6:30 a.m. -------- The telephone operator's husband calls for breakfast.
Joe brings it as fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opens the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man's hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed. Joe asks,' What happened?
Telephone operators are suppose to be as sexy as their voices.'
The man sourly replies 'Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was her a nasal voice saying, 'your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up.'
Joe went back down to the desk, just knowing the teachers husband will be calling any minute.
4:30 p.m. -------- The teacher's husband called for breakfast. Joe can't believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couples room.
The man opened the door and Joe took a step back in shock. He wore only his boxers and his hair was a mess. He had scratch marks on his chest, arms and legs.
Joe fearing the worst asked 'What happened to you? Did you have a fight?'
The man smiles and happily replies, 'No. Son, when you marry be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice saying, 'We are going to do this over and over, until we get right.'
TO MY DEAR WIFE,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. Ihave succeeded 36 times,which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean 17 times it was too late 49 times you were too tired 20 times it was too hot 15 times you pretended to be asleep 22 times you had a headache 17 times you were afraid of waking the baby 16 times you said you were too sore 12 times it was the wrong time of the month 19 times you had to get up early 9 times you said weren't in the mood 7 times you were sunburned 6 times you were watching the late show 5 times you didn't want to muss your new hair-do 3 times you said the neighbors would hear us 9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because 6 times you just layed there, 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished, and one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat 36 times you did not come home at all 21 times you didn't cum 33 times you came too soon 19 times you went soft before you got in 38 times you worked too late 10 times you got cramps in your toes 29 times you had to get up early to play golf 2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls 4 times you got it stuck in your zipper 3 times you had a cold and your nose was running 2 times you had a splinter in your finger 20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day 6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book 98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV
Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, 'would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?' The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, 'You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle.'
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better
and replied with silence.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, 'You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra.'
This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she
said, 'You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the poolman . . . and your brother!
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to 'Instruction Manuals'
It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring
dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt.
The zoo is not very busy this morning.As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the woman, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along.
She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.
She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.
'Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him.' he says. This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips.
Then the husband nabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her into the cage with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut. 'Now, tell HIM you have a headache . . . '
Enjoy....
