Just needed to vent (a bit long)

Ok, something bothered me over the weekend and I got into a little argument with FH about it and while everything is fine now, I'm still not all that happy. Let me say first and foremost, I LOVE my future inlaws. I have spent many weekends with them before me and FH moved in together last July. My FH is the middle child of three boys and he is the first to be getting married. FH is 27, the youngest is 19 and his older brother (BM) is 29. Now they all know that I'm a drama queen and i'm also super anal and organized about my wedding (and frankly, who wouldn't be right?). I know that everyone is excited about it and they are really surprised that I have everything, minus limos and little things already booked for the wedding. Hence the super organized part. Well, FH's brother's girlfriend is in my bridal party, because i really like her and I know that eventually, her and his brother will get married as well and we'll be sister-in-laws. I love her to death but as of late, little things she says and does urk me a bit.
First it was about the moving to long island thing. FH grew up in Manhasset and I grew up in Bensonhurst, Brooklyn. When it came time to move in together, I explained to him that until I start driving, I really can't move out of Brooklyn because my entire family lives there and I will have to rely on him to take me to go see them which is annoying, whereas he can drive anytime he wants to see his fam, with or without me. So he moved to Brooklyn for me. We live in a beautiful house in Bay Ridge with 2 bedrooms and a basement. We rent but for now, it is so awesome for us and we both LOVE the area. During New Years, his brother's girlfriend and I were talking and when we were discussing the wedding and everything, she was like 'are you guys gonna buy a house? I mean, you're not looking to buy in Brooklyn are you? You plan on moving back out on the island right?' Now, I do plan on eventually buying a house and moving to LI, but it just felt like she was putting Brooklyn down, like it was the ghetto or something. And that hurt since that is where I grew up and still live. And then she offers us to stay over their house which she and his brother live in together, but when I invite her to stay over my house the night before my wedding so that she doesn't have to worry about getting to my house super early and deal with traffic or whatever else, she says to me, 'um well, i'd rather sleep at home. Besides, you don't have the room to accomodate everyone.' And i'm like, we have a pull out bed in the 2nd bedroom and we'll have a futon bed in the basement so we have plenty of room to which she replies, well i'd just rather sleep in my own bed so that i'm fully rested. It urked me and I let it roll off my shoulders even though i was annoyed. And we are often also left out of things. Like his brother and his friends have gone out and the girlfriends have hung out, but not everytime are me and FH invited. Whenever I invite them to things out in Brooklyn, there's always some excuse for them to not be able to show up. They've been at my house maybe three times since we moved in together, compared the 15+ times we've been to their house.
Then over the weekend, we were talking about tuxedos and everyone was teasing me saying that the boys were gonna wear electric blue tuxedos and his dad was gonna wear a silver tux like Liberachi. I know they were teasing but I'm a drama queen so of course I was freaking out about it. But then she chimes in and says, 'well, you can wear the silver tux to our wedding.' And i'm like, what are you trying to make me look bad?You're not even engaged and you are talking about your wedding? What, are you trying to steal my thunder already? And then the icing on the cake. Our wedding is costing us a pretty penny and we're taking out a loan to pay for it all. FH's family is paying for their side of the family and my mom is helping out as much as she possibly can. FH, when we first got engaged, joked with me saying we should just elope to Vegas. He knew I'd never do it because my dream was to have the huge wedding. Well, then she chimes in again 'oh we want just a small wedding. maybe something in like a large backyard or something. nothing too crazy.' FH turns to me and is like 'see, why couldn't we just do that?' and then she proceeds to say 'or even better, maybe we'll just go to vegas' and FH is like, 'ugh, why can't you be more like that'. And his dad started making plans for doing their wedding in the backyard and what he could build for them and everything. And again, I feel slighted. I laughed it off at the time but I was so PISSED off. I don't like being compared to other people and here's the man i love comparing me to his brother's girlfriend. And its just so apparent that his brother's girlfriend is the favorite. So when we got home, I freaked out saying, if you wanted someone so easy going and who didn't care so much about such a huge wedding, why did you bother putting the ring on my finger? He got all upset because he was just joking around and wasn't serious. But I thought it was really hurtful and I didn't appreciate his joking like that. And to me, it seemed like she was rubbing it in my face somehow. And i don't even know why? FH and I have been together longer than they have but I thougt maybe it was because i'm younger than she is. She's turning 30 next month and i guess maybe she's upset that a 25 year old is getting married before her? But her and I are very close and its not like she's NOT gonna be getting married in the next year or two. I don't know...am I over-reacting here? Maybe I am and its really nothing but I just can't shake this feeling like she's not really happy for me and that she's faking it because i asked her to be in my bridal party. I wanted to say something to FH last night but I just didn't want to re-hash everything. So I figured I'd come on here and vent. I know I'm not a huge poster on the boards (I was a lurker for a while...hee, hee) but I'm starting to more because the girls on here are awesome and its a great forum to get ideas, to vent frustrations, and help others. So I'm done venting and I actually feel a little bit better. Not completely but I do feel better. Thanks for reading! LOL

I'm sorry you're going through this. I wouldn't pay too much attention to everything surrounding your FSIL. Everyone is different and wants a different type of wedding. It doesn't mean they think any less of you or your wedding plans. I'll tell you a little story that is related to this. My FBIL and FSIL got engaged right when me and FH got engaged. We didn't know he was planning on proposing and he didn't know FH was proposing (they're not very close). Well, it turned into a huge thing and FH and his brother don't talk anymore. My FILs were all about my FBIL and FSIL, throwing them a huge engagement party and everything. Now, they want nothing to do with him and are super involved in our wedding. So the moral to my little story is just give it time. Sit and talk to your FH and explain to himt hat you need his support in situations such as that. But as far as FSIL, let her time come and then she'll know what it's like to plan a wedding and be upset about other people stealing your thunder. Bright side is you're marrying the man of your dreams.

Wowza. It sounds like emotions are running high and everyone is becoming easily offended.

I know it'd hard to live out of the way. I live up high on the north shore and FH & his friends all live 30-45 minutes east and south of me, and no one will ever come to my area. Every weekend I'm driving to their neighborhoods.

Just remember that you and FSIL are friends, and they're stupid if they don;t like Bklyn! IMO it's so much more fun than LI!

Sorry you are going through this. SOme women just get weird when younger people get married before them. My friend had issues like that and it didn't go away till the other girl got engaged. As for you, some day she will be family so for now just grin and near it. Sometimes people just $uck. I hope things get better and she grows up

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Posted by Jennifer907

I'm sorry you're going through this. I wouldn't pay too much attention to everything surrounding your FSIL. Everyone is different and wants a different type of wedding. It doesn't mean they think any less of you or your wedding plans. I'll tell you a little story that is related to this. My FBIL and FSIL got engaged right when me and FH got engaged. We didn't know he was planning on proposing and he didn't know FH was proposing (they're not very close). Well, it turned into a huge thing and FH and his brother don't talk anymore. My FILs were all about my FBIL and FSIL, throwing them a huge engagement party and everything. Now, they want nothing to do with him and are super involved in our wedding. So the moral to my little story is just give it time. Sit and talk to your FH and explain to himt hat you need his support in situations such as that. But as far as FSIL, let her time come and then she'll know what it's like to plan a wedding and be upset about other people stealing your thunder. Bright side is you're marrying the man of your dreams.

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well said!

And this is why this site rocks! Thanx everyone for reading my ridiculously long post. You guys are awesome!
I hope she's not doing it to be malicious. A little jealousy is normal and i know that but i just wish that she wouldn't try to upstage me a bit. But like i said, i'm a bit of a drama queen so maybe i'm just blowing it out of proportion. And as for the whole Brooklyn thing, I love LI but i love my borough and i hate when people make it sound ghetto. And its only a 45 min drive so gimme a break...its not THAT long of a drive. Anyway, thanks girls. You are awesome

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Posted by lizzynyu

And this is why this site rocks! Thanx everyone for reading my ridiculously long post. You guys are awesome!
I hope she's not doing it to be malicious. A little jealousy is normal and i know that but i just wish that she wouldn't try to upstage me a bit. But like i said, i'm a bit of a drama queen so maybe i'm just blowing it out of proportion. And as for the whole Brooklyn thing, I love LI but i love my borough and i hate when people make it sound ghetto. And its only a 45 min drive so gimme a break...its not THAT long of a drive. Anyway, thanks girls. You are awesome

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I hope that she isn't doing it to be malicious either. I have learned that some people aren't happy unless they are making other people unhappy.
I feel the same way about Brooklyn, because I am a fellow Brooklyn girl myself. I moved out to Long Island last summer with my FH. He actually likes going into Brooklyn to go out with some of my friends or family.

Before you get engaged, you think that being engaged and planning your wedding is going to be the best thing ever, it's going to be such fun, you're going to be the special one and the center of attention for a while, and then at the end will be the best day of your life and then you'll be married and happily ever after blah blah blah.

And then reality hits.

You get engaged, and most people really are very happy for you, if not everyone. But everyone has an opinion about everything concerned with the wedding, and most of them think that their way is the only way, and even if they don't, their feelings are hurt if you don't go with their suggestion. Your being engaged also brings up a lot of feelings in other people that have nothing to do with you--such as, your FSiL may be thinking 'why is it her, how come I'm not the bride!' She may not even want to get married yet, but it's natural to feel that way when you see someone with the ring, making plans, etc. People who have unhappy relationships are happy for you, but it still shows off the failings of their own relationship in comparison. Friends who aren't seriously dating might be jealous. Just remember, it's not really about you, it's just that your engagement brings up these issues in other people. So, don't worry about it. Your FSiL is probably a little jealous, but it isn't really about you, it's about her and her situation, and your FH might be feeling a bit overwhelmed by the whole big wedding thing, but he chose this, and chose you, and I'm sure he's really very happy and will love your wedding on the day.

Just don't stress out. No one told us how stressful this engagement thing would be. I'm SO glad my engagement is only going to be about seven months, total. I don't think my nerves could have stood a long engagement!

Hi sweetie,

it's OK. I am currently reading a book call Co-Dependent No More by Melody Beattie (it's an oldie but goodie) I have issues and my therapist recommended it - Anywho - I just read this part that totally applies to your current frustration and thought I would share. *****In NO WAY am I at all implying that you are co-dependent or have issues. I just saw some similarities in the pain you are feeling and this section of the book. This book is (mostly) meant for people that take care of, love, live with alcoholic/drug dependent family members . I am dealing with something else - something more about me but I find a lot in this book that I can relate too. I basically have no self-esteem. this book is helping me to find it.*****

First of all I totally understand where you are coming from. My best friend lives in Brooklyn and I love it there. Even when she lived in Bed-Sty I stayed there all the time in her crappy apt. Your someday FSIL seems to be a very judgmental person. I grew up in many places but as a young girl in Queens. When I moved to Smithtown it was a HUGE culture shock. Long Island women can have the tendency (depending on where they live) to be a bit narrow minded and judgmental about other places. I know because I became judgmental myself. What can I say, I adapt well. It doesn't make her a bad person, just naive.

Here is some of the book:

We don't have to forfeit our peace. It doesn't help. We have the same facts and resources available to us when we're peaceful that are available to us when we're frantic and chaotic. Actually we have more resources available because our minds and emotions are free to perform at peak level.

We don't have to forfeit our power to think and feel for anyone or anything. That is also not required of us.

We don't have to take things so seriously (ourselves, events, and other people). We blow things out of proportion - our feelings, thoughts, actions and mistakes. We do the same thing with other people's feelings, thoughts and actions. We tell ourselves things are awful, terrible, a tragedy and the end of the world. Many things might be sad, too bad and unpleasant - but the only thing that's the end of the world is the end of the world. Feelings are important but they are only feelings. Thoughts are important but they're only thoughts - and we all think a lot of different things, and our thoughts are subject to change.... Lighten up. Give yourself and others room to move, to talk, to be who they are, to be human.

We don't have to take rejection as a reflection of our self-worth. If somebody who is important (or even someone unimportant) to you rejects you or your choices, you are still real, and you are still worth every bit as much as you would be if you had not been rejected. Feel any feelings that go with rejection; talk about your thoughts... but don't reject yourself, and don't give so much power to other people's rejection of you.

We don't have to take things so personally. We take things to heart that we have no business taking to heart.

* Basically the jist is you DON'T need to react to her comments. I know it is HARD and your feelings are hurt. Just remember that in the end YOU are the person living your life. As long as YOU are happy with what you have and what you are doing it does not matter ONE BIT what she thinks. As long as she loves you for you and you love her for her then leave it at that. I would let her know that you are hurt by her actions. She might be like me and totally unaware she is causing you any pain.

I hope this helps!

-Shanna

Being a Brooklyn girl myself, I get totally defensive about people putting down Brooklyn. I defend it tooth and nail...a little crazy, but to me it's important. That alone would have pissed me off.

I think your kind of FSIL is trying to get to you. She may or may not be jealous, but she definitely knows that you are going to be upset by her actions and words and she is using that the get under you skin.

You mentioned taking out a loan for the wedding and the other thing I was thinking was that maybe there has been some talk about this behind your and FH's backs, which is why she mentioned the less expensive wedding alternatives. People get all crazy about wedding money and talk all kinds of smack behind the bride and groom's backs, but in the end, they will be there for your wedding day smiling and kissing and hugging you both.

Don't let her get to you and be careful when you profess how close the two of you are. You may not be as close as you think.