Kids @ weddings

Original post by melbride2003

Nov 13, 2002 11:10 AM

Hi Guys - I'm new to the board (well posting anyway) I have been reading all the great advice you've been giving and I was wondering if you could help me with a problem I'm having w/my fi... I want an elegant adult reception and he's insistant on having the kids in his family at the wedding. He says that it's putting the parents of these children in a predicament and they won't come. Meanwhile they don't reprimand these kids (all under 4) and they run around like crazy. For ex. 2 mths ago we went to an engagement party for one of his cousins and during the spotlight dance the kids were running circles around them, etc. and the parents did nothing about it - they think it's cute. What do I do?

LnP2003 Posted: Nov 13, 2002 01:06 PM

Re: Kids @ weddings

I lean to the kids.... I enjoy having them around. It's kinda like the inevitability of what you are eventually going to have, and enjoy.

What I don't agree with is the parents allowing the kids to do whatever they want.

Very hard decision...................

Thrilled Posted: Nov 13, 2002 01:09 PM

Re: Kids @ weddings

Hi Melbride - FH was the one who insisted on no kids for our wedding, but I have come to agree with him. Every single child that would have been on our invite list was 8 or under, with the vast majority of them being babies (under 2). No way, no how, are we having that many infants. And it is impossible to tell FH's cousin 'Yes you can bring yours,' but then turn around and tell my best friend from college 'No'. Can't do it. The solution was none at all. I think most of the parents are relieved and are looking forward to an Adult's Night Out.

cecil Posted: Nov 13, 2002 02:08 PM

Re: Kids @ weddings

I am only having the flower girl and ring bearer at the wedding, but if my sister has a baby by then(And I hope she will!) The baby will be at the reception, as well as my FSIL baby who will be 14 months old by then. We are having someone watch them during the ceremony and reception, my best friends FSIL. But next summer we will be sitting down with my FSIL and telling her this. I have no idea how it is going to go, but too bad, I do not want screaming kids at the ceremony, they did not want it done to them. That is the only children that will be at the wedding. A wedding is an adult party and unless you have a close relationship with these kids, and they are well behaved then they do not belong there. We also told our photographers as well as the videographer not to focus on the children.

IrishTracy Posted: Nov 13, 2002 02:28 PM

Re: Kids @ weddings

I think it all depends!! I am having SOME kids at my wedding. Our son, my neice (who will be 16) & my 2 nephews (8 & 4). And his 4 nieces (the youngest being 8) I do understand how to many kids can get out of hand. My sisters wedding her Ex's nieces were the most annoying kids EVER!!! I think it's how the parents raise/handle the children. I think you'll be to excited to care about kids running around!

nrvbrd Posted: Nov 13, 2002 02:33 PM

Re: Kids @ weddings

All of you pro kids brides are saying that it all depends on how the kids will act. Well she has already explained that the kids that she is thinking of inviting are NOT well behaved.

I doubt she will be too busy to care about rambunctious kids running around, I know I would notice and would be extremely ****ed.

There are going to be somethings that will go wrong at all of our weddings that is just the reality of the situation, however if you can avoid certain things you should and this is one situation that can be avoided.

ssdare Posted: Nov 13, 2002 03:04 PM

Re: Kids @ weddings

Melbride - I am so with you. I just got my FH to update his side of the guest list and he included kids of his cousins and friends which weren't on there the first time. I know I will have to bring this up with him soon and I'm not looking forward to the 'discussion.' I'll propose to offer babysitting referrals, if necessary. I'm not sure who will win on this but I'm hoping that having a formal (black tie indicated on the invites) saturday night wedding will deter having kids there.

mv1003 Posted: Nov 13, 2002 05:59 PM

Re: Kids @ weddings

nrvbrd, melbride and JN2004- I'm with you all the way!!! I'm having only 2 children under the age 6 (ring bearers) at my wedding. There are a few who have 1 -2 year olds and I don't want them there. I'm not even addressing the situation. If they're parents can't get a babysitter- I'm sorry, they don't have to come. Whether some couples go or not is not going to break my heart. I was in my Best Friends wedding and she had all the kids there- all I can say is DISASTER! The church- oh my God!- in the limos destroyed the insides eating chips and spilling drinks, sliding across the floor during the first dance. I absolutely will not have any of this at my wedding, under any circumstances.
I like the advise of trying to have a heart to heart w/ your fi and see if he can talk to the parents first. Who knows, the parents might just say, we were going to hire a baby-sitter. (I always wish for the easy way out). Don't stress too much about this, there's so many other things a bride to be has to worry about, this shouldn't be one of them. It'll all work out. Let us know what you decide.

melbride2003 Posted: Nov 19, 2002 08:08 PM

Re: Kids @ weddings

Hey Guys - sry it took so long for me to get back to you. Well, I discussed this topic with my fi and he flipped! He literally flipped. He started going off on and saying 'how could you not want my side fully represented?' and I tried telling him that it's not that i don't want his 'side' represented - that I just felt that weddings are just not a place for kids and he started saying how I don't truly love him and how if I feel this way that maybe I should find a guy that 'thinks' the way I do - because he doesn't. So, now I'm all confused. Because I just feel like him saying that is just so immature.
He ended up going off for like hrs. and its way too much to type here.
Right now, I'm just so confused - I don't know what I should do. This is really important to me, how do I even try to compromise with him?

wacky Posted: Nov 19, 2002 09:02 PM

Re: Kids @ weddings

tell him no. my FI has 3 nieces 5 and younger and NO is the answer. I told him that he could babysit the kids druring the reception. So we arent having any kids at reception.

V&S03 Posted: Nov 19, 2002 09:11 PM

Re: Kids @ weddings

Tammy5-03 Posted: Nov 19, 2002 10:45 PM

Re: Kids @ weddings

If it is really so important to him, you may want to reconsider. I plan to have kids at my wedding, those that are closely related only but that is probably about 10 kids ages 5-10. I personally enjoy kids at a wedding and they are all well behaved. I definitely understand wanting to have an elegant adult party but I don't think its worth the arguments you're having. If its normal in your family to invite kids, to ask someone not to invite them is a big deal. For exmaple, if my 8 yr old niece couldn't come, my brother would take it like I was spitting in his face. He would be truly insulted AND he wouldn't come either. If its the same in your fiance's family, I can see why he would be so upset. Maybe you could hire someone to stay with the kids and provide entertainment in an adjacent room. If you keep them occupied, they'll be less likely to cause trouble. Just a suggestion.

stacey27 Posted: Nov 20, 2002 08:23 AM

Re: Kids @ weddings

I am having NO KIDS at my wedding already has been disscussed.Im paying for it ,i want a adult affair.When kids come to the wedding the parents never watch them and just hope someone else does.I feel if someone cant come to my wedding without there kids then they dont have to come at all.Im sorry but this is how i feel.Good luck

Sassy Posted: Nov 20, 2002 08:43 AM

Re: Kids @ weddings

I was staying pretty quiet about this, and will now put in my 2 cents.

My wedding is in the morning, and I am only having the children in the BP (plus maybe a couple more) Total will be less than 10. I dont want to pay for a whole bunch of kids running around and making a mess, but I'm not closing the door on people who are very important in my life that need to bring thier children, it's just being limited. On my invitation, I stipulate, 'Adult Reception' and # invited to make sure noone brings their children, except for who I specifically allow.

Now in you're case, your FH is very adamant about bringing children and you say he went off on your for hours. Obviously this is a big deal for him. And you have to remember that the both of you are planning this wedding. The last thing you want is for him to feel like you're not considering his feelings for his entire family to be included. So on one hand, you'll be upset w/kids, but he'll be upset without them. I say you sit down calmly and come up with a compromise. Doing one extreme (all or none) type deal is not going to make anyone of you happy. Maybe you can allow a few select children like I did.

I understand it is a Sat. night, and I think children Shouldn't be invited, I think they should be in bed, but considering your FHs strong feelings, I think you two really need to find a middle ground.

nrvbrd Posted: Nov 20, 2002 10:17 AM

Re: Kids @ weddings

Ok, I am again adding my two, there and four cents to this.

Melbride, I think your FI's comments were very uncalled for and he is being very manipulative and trying to make you feel guilty.

I still am in the opinion that a wedding is not a place for kids, well not alot of them anyway. I am having 3 kids two of which are in the wedding and one relative of my Fi, to me that is more than enough and they are well behaved. I have already spread the word to friends and some people with kids that they will not be welcome. If they are that offended and will not come because of it, then they obviously do not care about me and my feelings, so screw them.

How many kids is he looking to invite? If you do go this route, I say give him a limit of how many kids can come.

I know relationships and marriage are about compromise, but if this was going on between me and my fi he and his family would have to deal with my decision. I know I may get blasted by some of the ladies on this board but that is how I feel.

Good luck and keep me posted

Fletch Posted: Nov 20, 2002 11:34 AM

Re: Kids @ weddings

I agree with the no kids at a wedding and I was very adamant about this with my FI. When the planning began we discussed it b/c he has 4 brothers and 3 of them have children. I was freaking b/c I really didn't want children at the wedding but I felt like awful telling his brothers they couldn't bring their children. Also, allowing them to bring their children would open up the door to other family members bringing their little ones. What we ended up doing was talking with his brothers about it. We explained why we didn't want children and they all totally understood. They all actually said they didn't want to bring their kids b/c then they wouldn't enjoy themselves b/c they would spend the night chasing the kids who would be out of control and cranky that late on a Saturday night. This worked for us and everyone is happy. We assumed his brothers would want to bring the kids and with a little communication we found that they didn't. The wedding is about compromise but if you feel strongly about something you shouldn't give it up to easily.

nrvbrd Posted: Nov 20, 2002 11:37 AM

Re: Kids @ weddings

Thank you Fletch!!!!

melbride2003 Posted: Nov 20, 2002 11:54 AM

Re: Kids @ weddings

Ok, well, his sister has 3 all under the age of 4 and then his cousin has 2 under 4 another cousin has 1 -that'll be 2 1/2 and another cousin will have a 3 yr old and a 9mth old by the time of the wedding.
It so frustrating and his aunt told me isn't this wonderful that everyones having babies - by next year there could be 3-4 more additions. While I'm happy that there could be - I don't want them at my wedding.
You know, I could maybe (using the term lightly) see if they were somewhat behaved - but, they are WILD - and I know kids are like that at times, but like I told my fi... I want a wedding, not a circus.
We still haven't come to a conclusion about this yet. And it really bothers me that he's not understanding how much this bothers me - especially when he said that I was right how they run around crazy and aren't reprimanded. But, yet, he's still holding to this.
I ended up telling him that I'm not planning anymore, until we come to a conclusion - because I feel like it's a waste to plan nice things when I feel like they'll be ruined.

melbride2003 Posted: Nov 20, 2002 11:56 AM

Re: Kids @ weddings

Oh, also - his family will totally flip if we just have his sister's kids - which are the worst of the bunch- and not allow the other's. So, it's not even like we would be able to compromise there!

nrvbrd Posted: Nov 20, 2002 12:13 PM

Re: Kids @ weddings

Melbride, everytime I see a post of yours I get more and more incensed (sp).

Your Fi knows that these kids will misbehave and still wants them there. He is totally being selfish and not taking your feelings into consideration.

Those are very young kids. IMO they should not be there.

I felt myself softening up and leaning toward compromise, but no more.

Stand your ground. Have a conversation with his family and tell them how it is going to be.

No kids!!! This is YOUR day and this is what YOU want. They will have to deal with it. Like I said if this was me and family members threatned not to come, I would say oh well, 'I 'll send you a picture'.

I do agree you should not do any more planning until you two sit down and reach a decison.