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Kind of WR: Long, need advice! So my friend is planning her wedding...here's the thing.

tiffandmatt Posted:

Kind of WR: Long, need advice! So my friend is planning her wedding...here's the thing.

My friend and her husband will be married 5 years in April. When they married, they were in the process of purchasing a house, and so didn't have the $ for a big wedding.They had a small town hall service, followed by a nice brunch at her aunts home, she has a large back yard and it was really nice. Although it was all done on a very small budget, it was a beautiful day shared by their close friends and family.

Flash forward a few years, some of our friends, including me, have since gotten engaged and are planning typical big weddings. Since day one of her marriage, she often mentioned how one day she and FH will have a big wedding. To be honest, I kind of figured it was all talk, mostly because I didn't get the point of spending the $ now, it's not about he party, it's about the marriage, and she did have a nice day first time around anyway and she has a great marriage.

So yesterday were out to lunch together and she says it is official, she is planning the wedding! I asked if she meant it was like a renewal of vows, she said no it's a full wedding, white dress, flowers and all! Although I have mixed feelings, I was happy and excited for her, but I don't really get the point. She asked me if I along with some other friends wouldn't mind planning a 'shower like' event a few months prior, she is planning the wedding to be in April, the exact day of her anniversary.

But we already had a wedding shower for her when she got married! And she is already married. A nice brunch and day out with the girls is one thing, but it sounds to me like she wants 'shower' gifts again! And if we are going to a wedding, wouldn't we have to bring gifts? How many gifts should one couple get anyway!? Besides, in April I will only 3 months from my day and I think I may be too busy to plan a shower.

It's nice that she is finally getting her 'dream wedding', but I think that she is 'marketing' it all wrong. Maybe she could do a vow renewal or big anniversary party...right?

Do you think there is anything I can say to maybe explain that this is really kind of over board? Or do you think I'm being unfair to her. I really want you opinions please because maybe I am wrong here. Please let me know what you think. TIA

ETA: IF you could, try not to quote, because I might want to delete the original post. Thanks ladies!
BunnyBride Posted:

Re: Kind of WR: Long, need advice! So my friend is planning her wedding...here's the thing.

Well...I think she is going a bit overboard.
Wearing a white dress and having all the bells and whistles of a big party is one thing, but asking for another shower and more gifts is something very very different.

I'm not even having a shower because although this is my first marriage FH and I live together and have all that 'stuff' already!


I think you have to explain that labeling the party a 'shower' may really offend people considering she probably will be inviting a lot of the same folks who went to her first wedding reception and events.

I agree with you that maybe calling it a 'vow renewal' makes more sense as well...

Hopefully you won't have to bang it into her head too hard

tiffandmatt Posted:

Re: Kind of WR: Long, need advice! So my friend is planning her wedding...here's the thing.

Posted by BunnyBride

Well...I think she is going a bit overboard.
Wearing a white dress and having all the bells and whistles of a big party is one thing, but asking for another shower and more gifts is something very very different.

I'm not even having a shower because although this is my first marriage FH and I live together and have all that 'stuff' already!


I think you have to explain that labeling the party a 'shower' may really offend people considering she probably will be inviting a lot of the same folks who went to her first wedding reception and events.

I agree with you that maybe calling it a 'vow renewal' makes more sense as well...

Hopefully you won't have to bang it into her head too hard



Thanks. My point exactly...I just don't want to come off as trying to downsize her dream.
Smiles111 Posted:

Re: Kind of WR: Long, need advice! So my friend is planning her wedding...here's the thing.

that's a tough one!
never heard of anything like that before. I could see if she didn't have a shower the first time around.

If she wants to have her 'wedding' now.......it'll be interesting to see if people in general really have that much enthusiasm for it.

But I do agree that having another shower might be too much.

sounds like she has her heart set on the wedding.....I probably wouldn't say anything about that, but I might find a nice way to say that brunch with the girls is more appropriate than a whole 'nother shower. She runs the risk of offending guests.

Is the wedding really about getting to wear the big white dress?? (not that there would be anything wrong with that......I'm just curious).

Good luck!
tiffandmatt Posted:

Re: Kind of WR: Long, need advice! So my friend is planning her wedding...here's the thing.

I just feel that she always wanted to big wedding, but since they could not afford one, she just put the idea away until lit was possiable. And a lot of our friends are having these beautiful weddings, and I just think she feels like it is her turn. But I feel her day a simple yet beautiful. I just want her to do it for herself and Husband not to show off. That's why I say they should do a renewal of vow, and I just don't know how to gt my point across.

moonlitee Posted:

Re: Kind of WR: Long, need advice! So my friend is planning her wedding...here's the thing.

I agree with you. I don't understand why after 5 years she is having a wedding?

About the shower- The first time around did they register for gifts and all that? Is she planning on registering for gifts again? Maybe she'll settle for a bach. party instead. I think the shower would probablly piss people off especially if they bought her a gift b4. I would ask her if she need more stuff. Say wouldn't a girls night out be more fun?

The wedding-I would try to talk to her. Compliment her on how great her marriage is and that maybe it will be more appropriate to do a vow renewal instead.

The dress, etc.- I don't think you should try to talk her out of this. I know most girls have this dream of being in a big poofy dress, etc. I've been to vow renewals where the bride wore her original wedding dress (slightly altered).

Have you spoken to any of the other poeple that she is friends with to see how they feel? Maybe if a group of you talked to her your point might be received better.

Although you and I see this as being silly it isn't to her. So in the end I think you should support whatever she wants to do b/c you are a good friend.

Good luck!
MJDoc12 Posted:

Re: Kind of WR: Long, need advice! So my friend is planning her wedding...here's the thing.

offer her a bachelorette party again---but as for a shower...she's being quite greedy. you can't get married little...and then decide to do it big later....and ask for all the bells & whistles. this is a giant case of 'can't have your cake and eat it too'

i'm just too brutal--i probably would've told her straight out that the shower idea was a bit much when she mentioned it...but that's just me. lol

find a way to say 'hey, we'll have a night out with the girls...but i really think it would be a bit TACKY to have another shower.' honestly--the point of the shower is for a NEW bride who needs to furnish her home.

just a little FYI---history lesson.....the ORIGINAL purpose of a shower was for when a bride chose to marry and the father did NOT approve of her union, and therefore would not have a proper dowry to give to the groom's family. therefore her friends & family had a 'shower' to give her enough to satisfy the new in-laws dowry requests.

ant n tilde Posted:

Re: Kind of WR: Long, need advice! So my friend is planning her wedding...here's the thing.

I agree with everyone above

i dont think you can really 'step on' her dream to have a white wedding ( although i personally do not agree with it) but you can 'protect' her from what other people may think

if i were invited to a shower where the bride was already married and settled, i personally would not attend. . . as for the wedding. . .

i know talking about money and wedding is a touchy subject but honestly, i would not give a gift for a wedding like that - i truly feel that weddings gifts are supposed to help the couple start their new life together. . . and they seem pretty settled in their lives - so while i would enjoy celebrating their 'marriage' or vow renewal with the couple. . . i am not at a point right now where i would be able to contribute financiall, JMO

that was really interesting btw, i didnt know that about showers!
Tria1110 Posted:

Re: Kind of WR: Long, need advice! So my friend is planning her wedding...here's the thing.

Wow... I am a bit surpised at the responses here... Obviously she feels a bit cheated out of having her big wedding and regrets it and figures she is going to right the wrong. Why not have a big wedding then? Why play semantics about it being a 'vow renewal' or anniversary party? If she wants to call it a wedding why does it matter? Every bride is entitled to her day....

The shower is another story. I didn't have a shower as I didn't feel it was appropriate since me & FH bought a house 4 years ago and have been living together since. I would probably tell her a shower might not be appropriate but a nice luncheon would be.

JMHO!
tiffandmatt Posted:

Re: Kind of WR: Long, need advice! So my friend is planning her wedding...here's the thing.

I think that is what bothered me most, was that she wants another shower. I don't know what to do, and as I said considering this is her dream, I don't want to ruin it, but I guess it's not something that I would ever do, so I guess it just seems alittle weird to me. But as I said I could be being too hard on her. Thanks for all your advice, I think I got some good tips for what to say. Anymore advice keep it coming, cause this is a tough one for me. Thanks again ladies!
sr081906 Posted:

Re: Kind of WR: Long, need advice! So my friend is planning her wedding...here's the thing.

Well, she is married so really she would be 'renewing her vows' not getting married. 5 years to say the least.

While she probably feels cheated on her first reception, I can understand she wants to do a BIG party. And that's all it can be... A BIG PARTY FOR RENEWING HER VOWS.

She cannot expect anothe shower or bachelorette party. It's ridiculous. She already had one. Who has 2 showers for the same wedding or even renewing ones vows? Now that's 'slightly' unheard of and honestly... very greedy.

Mandyin2007 Posted:

Re: Kind of WR: Long, need advice! So my friend is planning her wedding...here's the thing.

I think she should be renewing her vows not having a full wedding. But hey to each is own.
daniebc16 Posted:

Re: Kind of WR: Long, need advice! So my friend is planning her wedding...here's the thing.

Sounds like a case of I want what she wants. I think that she should def. advertise the wedding as a renewal...and you should def. ask her about gifts and such...kind of make a joke of it 'Hey does this mean I have to give you ANOTHER wedding present!' I don't know...it would annoy me, but they again, people do weird things all the time.

mbm750 Posted:

Re: Kind of WR: Long, need advice! So my friend is planning her wedding...here's the thing.

Posted by Tria1110

Wow... I am a bit surpised at the responses here... Obviously she feels a bit cheated out of having her big wedding and regrets it and figures she is going to right the wrong. Why not have a big wedding then? Why play semantics about it being a 'vow renewal' or anniversary party? If she wants to call it a wedding why does it matter? Every bride is entitled to her day....

The shower is another story. I didn't have a shower as I didn't feel it was appropriate since me & FH bought a house 4 years ago and have been living together since. I would probably tell her a shower might not be appropriate but a nice luncheon would be.

JMHO!


I'm also surprised by the responses. Whatever you call it, it's a party and whether it's a wedding, vow renewal, or anniversary, I'd still bring a gift and I wouldn't consider it a second wedding gift to the same couple. I may not give the same thing, I don't know - I guess that depends on our relationship but that has nothing to do with the labeling of the party. I certainly wouldn't be offended by her calling it a wedding. Whatever she calls it, it doesn't change what it actually is - a ceremony and a party - and as her friend, I think I'd try to be supportive. Also, just a thought, but I wonder if you may be misinterpreting what she means by shower - I'd at least give her the benefit of the doubt before I knew more. Just because she called it a shower doesn't mean that's quite what she meant. She could be intending something really lighthearted and fun - almost like a pun or gag on the whole concept just to do it and go all the way with the wedding idea. At least that's the attitude I would take to it. If she really did mean a real bridal shower, I'd try to let her know that people might not understand but as for the wedding, it wouldn't matter to me what she called it or did. Good for her for making her dreams come true. JMHO.
snydl40 Posted:

Re: Kind of WR: Long, need advice! So my friend is planning her wedding...here's the thing.

It is kind of tacky to do this. I could understand if she were renewing vows, anniversary, etc........... but to have a huge wedding and then ask for a shower???? That is a little extreme to me.

If it were me, I would tell her that I don't feel comfortable throwing her a shower when she already had one. I think this is rude to ask people to come to a second shower for an already married woman.

Don't get me wrong, it's nice she is finally getting the wedding of her dreams, but I would opt for a bachelorette party instead of a shower.
ellebelle1 Posted:

Re: Kind of WR: Long, need advice! So my friend is planning her wedding...here's the thing.

I'm curious what her reasons are for wanting another shower. That doesn't make sense. Would her family really support something like this? Isn't this sort of insulting towards the groom to pretend there aren't married yet. Also, as far as the wedding goes, if she wants to renew her vows and buy a beautiful white gown, that's nice, but why have a whole big thing. That just sounds like a waste of money. It sounds like she's doing this out of jealousy because she feels that she missed out on something.

nycgirl79 Posted:

Re: Kind of WR: Long, need advice! So my friend is planning her wedding...here's the thing.

Posted by sr081906

Well, she is married so really she would be 'renewing her vows' not getting married. 5 years to say the least.

While she probably feels cheated on her first reception, I can understand she wants to do a BIG party. And that's all it can be... A BIG PARTY FOR RENEWING HER VOWS.

She cannot expect anothe shower or bachelorette party. It's ridiculous. She already had one. Who has 2 showers for the same wedding or even renewing ones vows? Now that's 'slightly' unheard of and honestly... very greedy.



I completely agree. Regardless of how large her wedding was 5 years ago, the fact of the matter is that she is married. This upcoming event is not a 'wedding.' Vow renewal yes, wedding no. I guess ultimately she will call it whatever the hell she wants, but to expect a whole new set of gifts and events is super greedy and kinda childish. Especially with all the upcoming weddings for you and your other friends - where does she think you guys will be getting all this extra $$$?
sfmullen Posted:

Re: Kind of WR: Long, need advice! So my friend is planning her wedding...here's the thing.

I totally think she is entitled to have her dream wedding... but asking for a shower is SO NOT APPROPRIATE. tell her you will plan a bridal lunch or a Bachalorette party but NOT a shower!

ssdbk Posted:

Re: Kind of WR: Long, need advice! So my friend is planning her wedding...here's the thing.

IMO, the wedding part is fine but it's never appropriate to ask people to throw a shower.

rojerono Posted:

Re: Kind of WR: Long, need advice! So my friend is planning her wedding...here's the thing.

I do think she is entitled to her splashy wedding. Everyone deserves the chance to 'be the bride'.. even if it IS five years later!

As to the shower... it IS awkward to throw a full on shower for someone who is already married and has an established home. I am actually suprised that she is set on it. I personally don't even want a shower for my wedding, becuase FH and I have lived together for 5 years and have most of the stuff we need.

HOWEVER... it does make you feel good to be honored. When I had my 2nd son, I did NOT expect a shower. I already had a baby and I had had a HUGE catered shower for him. My friends DID wind up throwing me a shower. It was nowhere near on the level of the first one... but it was fun and unexpected and lovely. It really made me feel loved.

When my best friend had her 2nd child, I threw her a MOMMY shower. We had a giant barbecue and everyone chipped in to get her a day at the spa and bought small things for HER comfort, rather than for the baby.

Maybe you could do something like that. Invite her friends and family to contribute to one significant gift from all... like a stay at Montauk Manor for her and her husband and a gift certificate to a nice restaurant while they are there. Have a casual barbecue and celebrate her ability to actually be a full on bride!

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