Kind of WR: Long, need advice! So my friend is planning her wedding...here's the thing.

Original post by tiffandmatt

Sep 25, 2006 12:59 PM

My friend and her husband will be married 5 years in April. When they married, they were in the process of purchasing a house, and so didn't have the $ for a big wedding.They had a small town hall service, followed by a nice brunch at her aunts home, she has a large back yard and it was really nice. Although it was all done on a very small budget, it was a beautiful day shared by their close friends and family.

Flash forward a few years, some of our friends, including me, have since gotten engaged and are planning typical big weddings. Since day one of her marriage, she often mentioned how one day she and FH will have a big wedding. To be honest, I kind of figured it was all talk, mostly because I didn't get the point of spending the $ now, it's not about he party, it's about the marriage, and she did have a nice day first time around anyway and she has a great marriage.

So yesterday were out to lunch together and she says it is official, she is planning the wedding! I asked if she meant it was like a renewal of vows, she said no it's a full wedding, white dress, flowers and all! Although I have mixed feelings, I was happy and excited for her, but I don't really get the point. She asked me if I along with some other friends wouldn't mind planning a 'shower like' event a few months prior, she is planning the wedding to be in April, the exact day of her anniversary.

But we already had a wedding shower for her when she got married! And she is already married. A nice brunch and day out with the girls is one thing, but it sounds to me like she wants 'shower' gifts again! And if we are going to a wedding, wouldn't we have to bring gifts? How many gifts should one couple get anyway!? Besides, in April I will only 3 months from my day and I think I may be too busy to plan a shower.

It's nice that she is finally getting her 'dream wedding', but I think that she is 'marketing' it all wrong. Maybe she could do a vow renewal or big anniversary party...right?

Do you think there is anything I can say to maybe explain that this is really kind of over board? Or do you think I'm being unfair to her. I really want you opinions please because maybe I am wrong here. Please let me know what you think. TIA

ETA: IF you could, try not to quote, because I might want to delete the original post. Thanks ladies!

CLMon7906 Posted: Sep 26, 2006 07:45 AM

Re: Kind of WR: Long, need advice! So my friend is planning her wedding...here's the thing.

The thing is, if she's banking this as a wedding, some people are going to be royally confused and think she got divorced or was never married and is NOW getting married. I do think it's a bit silly to throw a full-blown wedding now that she's married....and most people who do this, do it after 15-25 years...and they call it a vow renewal. I am sure she justs wants her special BIG day like everyone else...which is fine to an extent...but at some point most people would realize, it's not about the party, it's about the marriage...or maybe that's just me and the other brides on this site with our heads in the clouds.

Either way, she should really push it as a vow renewal to other people...she can still have it as lavish as she can make it....but to call it an all out wedding might confuse or annoy people. She will receive gifts...people bring gifts to anniversary parties and such.

I don't think she should have a shower. That's just overkill. I'd elaborate more on that but I have to go to work and pretend to not be longing to log on!!!

good luck.

tiffandmatt Posted: Sep 26, 2006 01:07 PM

Re: Kind of WR: Long, need advice! So my friend is planning her wedding...here's the thing.

Posted by ellebelle1

I'm curious what her reasons are for wanting another shower. That doesn't make sense. Would her family really support something like this? Isn't this sort of insulting towards the groom to pretend there aren't married yet. Also, as far as the wedding goes, if she wants to renew her vows and buy a beautiful white gown, that's nice, but why have a whole big thing. That just sounds like a waste of money. It sounds like she's doing this out of jealousy because she feels that she missed out on something.

I think that mostly all of her reasons for wanting another shower like event and big wedding are because every thing she had 5 years ago, although it was all pretty, was VERY small. Basically there was only about maybe 10 ladies at her shower. And she had about 20 guests for the wedding. Mostly all family with a few close friends.

I think that as for the shower, it isn't that she is putting out her hand on purpose for more gifts, but rather that she wants the whole wedding with all the extra trimmings, such as a shower. I guess she doesn't see how rude this potentially could look.

So that's why I wanted to see if you all would think that it was ok to push for a brunch or something. As for a bacholrette party, good idea, but it just seems alittle weird to me cause she's married already.

I guess it's ok if she wants to do the wedding again, but as I said this is just so not something I would do, and I don't want to start offending people by sending out shower invites, not to mention how confused the guests would be, I'd probably have to send an explanation along with the invite lol.

This whole thing is so annoying, I think I'm gonna have to get up the nerve to tell her what I think. I just feel so bad becuase she seems SO excited for this.And I don't want to hurt hre, but just be able to tacktfully point out things that I dissagree about.

CLMon7906 Posted: Sep 26, 2006 01:25 PM

Re: Kind of WR: Long, need advice! So my friend is planning her wedding...here's the thing.

You know....some people are so needy. If she had a shower, she needs to get over herself. Sorry, I'm taking a tough love approach now knowing she had a shower. It's just nuts.

I DID NOT HAVE A SHOWER AT ALL...AND IT'S B/C NO ONE THOUGHT TO PLAN ONE LOCALLY AND MY FAMILY AND BMs WERE ALL OOT. IT HURT TO NOT HAVE ONE....BUT I JUST WOULD NEVER EXPECT TO HAVE [ANOTHER] ONE!!!

disclaimer: these are personal feelings...you don't have to agree.

smara Posted: Sep 26, 2006 01:31 PM

Re: Kind of WR: Long, need advice! So my friend is planning her wedding...here's the thing.

This my opinion - if she wants a dream wedding and is paying for it who cares if she wants to wear white dress and have flowers after X amoutn of yrs. If this is your friend I would just be supportive. This happend to my sister.. she was planning her weddign and her friend who had been married for 9 yrs by civil service saw what she had missed out on and started panning her big affair 3 months after my sis. It got a little frustrating for my sister becuase she was busy with her wedding but she still supported her and made the effort to take her out for a bacheleorette party.

As far as the shower - I would talk to her and say what did you have in mind a small burnch or bacheleorette type outing. Cause a full blown shower with registering I think is too much.

Kara and Todd Posted: Sep 26, 2006 01:35 PM

Re: Kind of WR: Long, need advice! So my friend is planning her wedding...here's the thing.

Having the big wedding now is one thing... but expecting a shower and shower presents is, IMHO, just plain rude.

A brunch with some close friends I could see, but expecting shower gifts is just presumptuous. People are not made of money.

ETA - If I'm being totally honest, I also think expecting the same sorts of expensive wedding gifts again (5 years later) at her second wedding is also way presumptuous. Sure, many people will want to give a gift in celebration, but I certainly hope she isn't expecting typical wedding generosity the second time around. Like I said, people aren't made of money and setting up situations where you expect people to give you generous gifts can be rude... and I feel it is in this instance.