KWR - Need relationship advice

I'm not on LI Families but this is probably a question for there. I'm having the most difficult time getting through to FH regarding keeping our house clean. Any advice how to deal with this?

We didn't start living together until we got engaged, which was probably a mistake, but I cannot take how messy he is. I'm very organized and like to keep the house clean, but I wouldn't say I'm OCD with it. He is a slob. I have tried EVERYTHING from just cleaning up after him, arguing about it, setting written rules, talking to him like I would a child. I cannot take it. It's not a deal breaker for me obviously, but with three weeks to the wedding I just wanna ring his neck.

He's sick today so he's being a baby so nothing he does today counts he says. Does this happen to you? I came home from food shopping and went to hand him the garbage to take out that's been sitting there for 2 days (that's the one task he actually does) and he didn't grab it I guess and I let go so garbage went everywhere. But he was running late so he had to go. I definitely gave him a nasty look and he said it's not the end of the world and just left. So I had to clean it up of course. To me cleaning up garbage is the end of the world, it's so gross. Mind you he stepped on a friggin grape on the way out so I have grape juice all over my floor and carpet in front of the door.

Then I go in the kitchen and he has his sopping wet clothes and towels on our wood floor. I tell him all the time not to leave wet clothes on the kitchen floor. Sometimes he does and I don't notice until I come home later and something smells moldy. It's so gross. He has a son too, who is 6. I don't blame his son for being messy, he should clean up after him. But nope, that's on me too. So I go to put groceries away and there are crumbs all over the table from lunch and toys all over the living room that he says he'll clean later as well as a skateboard in the living room that his son used yesterday and he told me he'd put away last night.

We live in a 2 bedroom condo and it's really tight with having his son here all the time and the amount of toys he has. But I feel I've more than compromised on this issue and he just does not put in the effort to change this.

I need help with this one, because this I really don't know how to get through to him with. I've tried it all. Thanks for the vent, and any advice you have :)

Re: KWR - Need relationship advice

It seems like you have tried everything BUT 1 thing. Stop doing it! He KNOWS you will do it so why does he have to? I think all FH's are messy & this is a common issue but you have to nip this in the butt! It will be hard leaving it but otherwise nothing will change. Once he realizes your not going to do it anymore & he has no clean underwear he will catch on. If he doesnt want to pick up after him & his son then maybe a solution would be to invest in a cleaning lady after the wedding.

Good luck!!!!

KWR - Need relationship advice - Long Island Weddings

Haha thanks!! That's what he said, we need a cleaning lady. I said no, just clean up after yourself. I know most guys are messy it just gets irritating. I'm scared to know what my house will look like when I stop cleaning up after them, but I'm gonna try it :)

KWR - Need relationship advice - Long Island Weddings

Ahh, I'm so sorry you had to pick up garbage! I'd have a few choice words for FH if he did that. Honestly, mine is pretty good in that once I remind him to clean up, he usually does. He doesn't do the heavy duty cleaning, but he'll pick up clothes and take the garbage out and do the laundry. I'd developed a death stare I give him when I ask multiple times.

I agree that stopping might solve the problem, BUT you'd have to deal with a mess until he realizes. It's probably worth it to get it over with now though, or you'll be cleaning up his messes for the rest of your life!

KWR - Need relationship advice - Long Island Weddings

Even if you had someone come in two times a month to do the annoying stuff like bathroom floors etc. if she can take care of that then maybe you won't mind picking up the other stuff? Either way he needs to learn you won't always do it. I still do most of the cleaning but he works a lot & put more in our wedding fund so I don't mind as much lol. He did have to pitch in bc I have way less laundry & I won't do his all the time. He learned the hard way when he had no clean underwear. Let me know how letting it go goes lol.
Just remember in the grand scheme, it's not a deal breaker & it's certainly not worth fighting over but it is an annoying issue that he needs to understand it bothers you :)

KWR - Need relationship advice - Long Island Weddings

took me a year to train my FH to clean, he does about 75% of it now...I leave a 'lists of things that need to be done or I will be mad' lol ... it worked! most of it get's completed:) Goodluck:)

KWR - Need relationship advice - Long Island Weddings

Exactly, thanks guys. Just annoying. I don't expect him to be Mr. Clean, but I wish I didn't have to tell him to do something 1000 times like a child. Rant over!

KWR - Need relationship advice - Long Island Weddings

I hear ya sista! I feel like a broken record sometimes. He isn't always terrible but I do get irritated with him. I feel like I'm nagging and I dont want to be that way but he has to learn! He leaves dirty dishes in the sink, crumbs everywhere, water stains on the coffee table etc. It's still a work in progress LOL Good luck!

KWR - Need relationship advice - Long Island Weddings

You're not alone! It's taken me 9 years to get FH to improve in this area. And he is still far from perfect. He leaves his socks everywhere and always 'forgets' to put his dirty glass or plate in the dishwasher--or even in the sink sometimes. And it's super annoying. But, it's probably the one big complaint I have about him. So, most of the time, I pick up after him like he's a child. Because ignoring it didn't work so well lol. In my mind, I justify it by thinking of all the gross or handyman type things he does around the house and just call it equal. I think it's more annoying because the things I do are everyday things. And his chores are more on an as-needed basis. But, if we have kids, I am hiring a cleaning lady for at least 1-2x a month and making him pay for it lol.

KWR - Need relationship advice - Long Island Weddings

Well in our relationship, I am the slob compared to my FH. We had a talk about it and at the end of the day, I realized that we work hard to purchase the items we own and out of respect for that hard work and for each other, we need to maintain our home and possessions to reflect who we are. If he is willing and he can afford to shell out for a cleaning lady, then let him. Buy containers for these items that are all over the floor and let the cleaning lady clean and do the laundry. This is going to come off as a power struggle. At the end of the day, no one can make anyone do anything. It will be your choice to clean and possibly resent him over time and it will be his choice to continue being a slob and resent you. Don't let it get it to that point and have the conversation about how to resolve the issue together. At the center is that you are both in a relationship where you give each other feedback on what you are contributing to that relationship and your every day life together. Find out what his points of view are...he might have some underlying belief that leads him to not pick up after himself and then share your beliefs about why you clean and you both will come up with an acceptable solution that works for both of you. It seems like you have been coming up with the solutions on your own with the lists etc and him with the cleaning lady...sounds to me like he thinks cleaning is also like a a job or it feels like work and he might have the pov of just relaxing when he gets home and he has a higher threshold for a messes than you do because you see the value on your possessions getting ruined...like the wood floors. Good luck!

KWR - Need relationship advice - Long Island Weddings

This is normal, trust me. I also think living together prior to getting married is a GOOD thing! You can spend every minute of the day with someone, but until you share a home together you don't totally get the full picture of how they are.

My FH is still a slob after 2 years of living together, but he is sooooo much better. I told him straight up that I wasn't his mommy and that I also have a job like he does. So until he makes enough money where I don't have to work he has to also pitch in with the cleaning and household chores. Cleaning is probably the #1 thing we argue about. I figure if that's our biggest issue then we are okay!

KWR - Need relationship advice - Long Island Weddings

It really is our one issue, so I'm not too worried about it, just irritated.

His excuse is - oh I forgot. But I know where this problem stems from. He has two older sisters and his father worked and mother went to school while he was young. His sisters had to babysit him and were told - let him do whatever he wants as long as he's quiet. So I'm pretty sure he never learned how to clean up after himself or the value of things back then. I think it's gonna be hard to win this one, so cleaning lady it is! Just kidding, I know we'll get through this silly issue one day, Fingers Crossed!!

KWR - Need relationship advice - Long Island Weddings

Or you can just withhold you know what until he cleans up after himself lol. That trick always works for me! Sorry for the TMI but its SO true!

Re: KWR - Need relationship advice

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Posted by Jack84

It seems like you have tried everything BUT 1 thing. Stop doing it! He KNOWS you will do it so why does he have to? I think all FH's are messy & this is a common issue but you have to nip this in the butt! It will be hard leaving it but otherwise nothing will change. Once he realizes your not going to do it anymore & he has no clean underwear he will catch on. If he doesnt want to pick up after him & his son then maybe a solution would be to invest in a cleaning lady after the wedding.

Good luck!!!!

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This exactly. I too used to pick up after FH. He moved into our co-op and since I have strict parents I'm not moving in till after the wedding. I used to clean up after him/cook after coming home from working a long day while he is sleeping on the couch (He gets up really early for work everyday) I have told him plenty of times that he needs to help out more (very little counts) and I even brought it up during Pre-Cana. I don't complain about much but when I do he knows it bothers me. He said that he realized what he does is wrong and will help out more. Its gotten a little better. He doesn't set the table every day or put the laundry away all the time but he tries. If all else fails, DON'T DO IT. You don't want him getting used to taking care of things all the time, just like his Mom probably did at home.