laaadddddiiIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEESSSSSSS!!!!! I MISSED YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, Lawdy, I've MISSED you girls!! Here I sit, in immortal torture, with the latter-day Iron Maiden, the Crest Whiten Strips. Oh, my teeth, my TEETH!! Sensitivity be damned- this is way beyond that. Anyone ever see Marathon Man, with Dustin Hoffman, when the old guy (and you KNOW it's killing me I can't remember his name) is going at his teeth with some dentist tool sh!t, and trying to make him say 'It's Safe'?

It's like that. Man, these things make my teefus hurt. I can't even speak right now- my mouf is hanging open because I don't want my lips over the strips, and I don't want to swallow the toxic toxicity of the strip bleach, so I'm also dealing with a growing pool of spit in my lap and on my boob shelf. It's actually creating a sort of waterfall. A feng shui water feature on my boobs and lap.

Okay, I have no lap. I meant flab that sits on my thighs.

anyway.

So things have been strange. I really haven't posted since I've gotten laid off. I went into a cocoon like state, and I would only poke my head out for wings every now and again.

I eating habits, unfortunately, were unaffected by my distress, and I was voracious as ever. Even after I SWORE off meat after I saw this horrible HBO documentary this month about the way they kill pigs. I should have stuck to Will and Grace. It was horrible, but I quickly came to terms with who I am, and decided to try to buy more organic meat instead, because in my demented mind, I think they get to sit on nice sofas and drink pomegranate juice at those slaughterhouses.



sorry. Drool-wipe break. Where was I?

Well, anyway, I haven't even given a thought to another job. I would say I've been turning all of my rage at getting laid off into making my wedding the awesomest it could ever be, but unfortunately, that is not the case. I have been carving out a nice daytime-television routine for myself- Daily Show / Colbert at 10am, and then Will and Grace at 11. I have seen every episode, and I could watch them a million times more. If only they had gotten rid of Grace, that show would have been better than Seinfeld. If only.

But I have gotten a few things done. I got a great ribbon for my cake. I got an INCREDIBLE guest sign-in plate. I'll try to post a pic of it. It's pewter, and they use a sort of engraving pen, to write in the metal. I love it.

I wrote out all of my placecards in some makeshift calligraphy I made up. Nothing is centered, but it's okay.

I did my tables. Man, wasn't THAT a b!tch. So glad that's done.

I got my shoes. The 81/2 is too big. The 8 is too small.

Really?

I'm keeping them both. I figure I'll wear the ones that are too big until they hurt so bad I can't stand it, and then I'll switch into the other boat shoes. I'm not kidding. We could use my big shoes as an aircraft carrier in case of a national emergency. They are super-wide. We could use them as floatation devices in case of another Miracle Hudson Landing.

I got my earrings, hair clip, purse, and veil. The veil I got in two weeks from Barrons. Short, plain, and cheap. I love it. It was hard getting out of Tri County with all of that Zeppole all over the place. But I made it.

Which brings me to the diet, which I have rocked out. I have been buffalo wing crazy, and I have lost 75 pounds. I'm pretty happy about it. I could have done more had I not refused to sweat one bead or walk one step, but what do you want me to tell you. I ate buffalo wings. Not as easy as it sounds.

Wait- more to come- I have to take off the White Strips!! Thank GOD!!