Ladies...I need some encouragement...TOTALLY depressed....

Okay, I have been putting off posting this for almost two weeks b/c I was hoping that it was just a bad dream, and it wasn't really happening. But, no such luck for me

As alot of you know, I was completely and totally psyched about Christmas this year for a number of reasons: 1) my adorable son is at SUCH a cute age, and I'm looking forward to sharing Christmas with him; 2) we are finally settled in our own home, and able to make our own traditions, etc.; 3) I wanted to make my family a priority this year, and not our extended families.

Well, it turns out, it's not going to happen the way I envisioned. The night before Thanksgiving, we get a mysterious call from my in-laws (who were supposed to be on the road to visiting my stupid SIL). Instead, they are calling to tell us that they, along with my useless loser SIL, want to come spend Christmas at OUR house This is TOTALLY NOT my idea of a good time! Not to mention that we already had our plans set for Christmas Eve/Christmas Day, and have had to upset my entire family, just to re-arrange our plans due to my in-laws visit. Now it has become a tug of war between my family and DH's...b/c everyone wants to be with my son for Christmas!

This is giving me an ulcer My Mom (God love her) is very possessive, and while I know that's not always good, in my heart, I do want to be with MY family. DH could really care less about being w/his family b/c he's lived far away from his family for YEARS, and until I came into his life (5 yrs. ago), his parents and sister would BARELY EVEN CALL him on his birthday or a holiday! His Mom's lame excuse would always be that he lived in a different time zone (is she a complete loser, or what??)

In order to keep my own sanity, and prevent us (the ones with the small CHILD) from driving back and forth between Nassau and Suffolk on each day JUST TO MAKE EVERYONE ELSE EXCEPT US HAPPY...I have offered to host Christmas Day. The problem is, our house is not really 'set up' to entertain just yet. I have no dining room furniture, no living room furniture, no coffee and end tables - NOTHING. Just a TV/TV stand, a loveseat and a sofa. That's IT! Where am I going to put 10 adults comfortably???

I am so annoyed at my in-laws for 'springing' this visit on us - especially after they were JUST HERE at the end of September! Now my husband is on this rampage to get certain house 'projects' completed before Christmas! My house looks like A BOMB hit it! I am just so depressed and anxious and disappointed. In truth, I wanted this Christmas to be low key for us...I was sooooo looking forward to waking up Christmas morning w/my hubby and my son, in OUR home, and enjoying a leisurely morning around the Christmas tree. Now I'm gonna be a frantic lunatic, trying to prepare dinner and make everything nice for not just DH's family, but MY parents and siblings. I cannot just 'fudge' Christmas dinner, b/c I want my family to still enjoy the day and all the traditions that go with it...DH's family has NO traditions, they do not even make a big deal out of the holiday. The one year that I spent Christmas with them, I was MISERABLE and missed my family terribly. Honestly, DH and I had a better Christmas the year we stayed by ourselves in California and did things our own way!

Someone, please tell me how am I going to get through this without being really resentful of my in-laws (I already am, really!) AND still enjoy this with my son, and preserve my own personal sanity??? I seriously am filled with such anxiety over this, it's NOT even funny! HELP ME, Please!

Oh Claud, I am sooo sorry that you're going through this. I would feel EXACTLY the same way you do.

I don't really know how to make you feel better, but I know that if it were me, I'd put my foot down about Christmas morning. That is such a special time to be with your hubby and beautiful son, who is at such a great age now for X-mas. I would tell them no company until AT LEAST 2. That way you still have the morning with your little family and can make that a special tradition, and you'll have some time to prepare so you're not a lunatic and letting it ruin your entire day.

It's a shame that you have to be put through this. Just remember that the most important thing is the 3 of you, and you are not superwoman. You can only do what you can do.

Many . Feel free to FM me if you need to vent

So many views, and no (edited to say ok, now one other) reply
Sorry Claud, but I'm with the rest of the viewers, I have NO IDEA what to tell you other than GOOD LUCK! That's really a tough situation to be in Could you rent or buy a folding table and chairs and make the dinner pot luck? Even the in-laws who are traveling could pick up a dessert somewhere.

Hi Claude:

I feel your pain! While I do not have a child, my FH and I are always scrambling to make our respective parents happy on the holidays, forfeiting what I want to be our own, new traditions. Like you, we hope that when we have children we can begin our own family traditions and focus just on the new 'unit'

I read your post twice and if you go back to the beginning, you mention 3 things that you wanted to do this year: 1- soak in the joy of your son's christmas, 2 - celebrate in your home, with your new traditions, 3 - focus on just you guys. OK, maybe I got 2 and 3 little confused, but here's my point:

You can still have something of the Christmas you imagined. What if you told the family to come at 12PM - no earlier - so you can have the AM with your husband and son, and cater most of the dinner so you are not running around like mad cooking for 10. You could order a ham or turkey from a place like elegant eating in smithtown, get deserts from a bakery, and just concentrate on some sides. Elegant Eating can even get you a nice table and folding chairs with linens. OK, you would definately be spending more than you planned on, but your sanity might be saved.

The one thing for sure is to set some limits so that you can have time with just the 3 of you. Even if it is just a couple of hours in the morning, tell your families that they are welcome to come later. I am so sorry you are going through this, but put your foot down now, because otherswise this may set precendents for years to come.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this!

If it were me, I'd rent a table, chairs, linens and such. Hire a caterer for the big stuff and a maid the day before. You can still add your own personal touches to the meal but you won't have to be a slave to the kitchen.

I also like Stacey's suggestion to make sure it is just the three of you until a set time.

Good Luck

Claud-- I am so sorry you are going thru this--

I don't have any answers but know that you will make this the best holiday you can-

My thoughts are with you

Claude,

I am so sorry. Though I do not have a child I am a child of divorce and it has been my job to run between the 2 families since I could drive. Now this year MIL & FIL have decided to spend Christmas in NY so that means I have to find the way to spend the day between 3 families!! It sucks and to be honest I don't know what to tell you. Clueless mad so great suggestions. Frankie and I have decided that once we have children the running will stop and we will have a time frame as clueless has suggested.

Claud - I feel for you!! I am so sorry you have to go through this.

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Posted by Claud2001

3) I wanted to make my family a priority this year, and not our extended families.

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I think first and foremost - you need to stress this to your IL's (and your parents)!!! Explain to them that you need FAMILY time on Christmas morning and they are welcome to join you for dinner - but at a specified time!!

Try to make as many things as possible ahead of time, or maybe even think about getting some things catered. Stick with simple dishes that don't require a lot of constant attention. Don't be shy in asking people to bring something - I had a hard time with this the first time I hosted a holiday in my condo, but that is key to enjoying yourself!!!

As for you feeling like your house is not ready - do not stress about that!!! Obviously your IL's knew this when they invited themselves for Christmas. Tell everyone to BYOC (Bring your own Chair)!!!

Paul will have a fabulous Christmas!!!! Please do not worry about that!!

Many hugs to you!!!!!

I dont know really what to say, just enjoy seeing paul smile on christmas

I'm so sorry that your families are pulling you apart...(if I was them...I would want to too...to get a piece of Paul...j/k )


I think having your christams catered...or even semi-catered is a good idea...and to make lemons into lemonades - see the opportunity to BUY NEW FURNITURE!!! woo hoo...even if its just a living room set...


are you close enough to your mother and MIL to tell them to cook at your house? then you put the agita on them....


and Paul won't know its the 24th or 25th? could you do xmas morning on the 24th instead?

I am sorry you have to go through this.

I do agree with the other posters about setting aside some time, for you, Dh and Paul.
So not having company before a certain time is the way to do it.

As for the no furniture, is it possible to get one of those long buffet type tables that can be stored away- you could put a nice tablecloth and put all the food on it. Everyone could just serve themselves,you could also get some folder chairs to have extra seats. Ikea has nice wooden ones. My family uses those all the time.

Unfortunately when we marry a man we marry their family whether we like it or not.

I know you feel resentful, as would I but do it for your hubby and for Paul.

Awww, Claud. I feel bad for you. Unfortuantely the only advice I can give is that you 'have to' host the holidays, you should concentrate on fixing up those parts of the house where your guests would be, like the living room and kitchen, maybe. Put your foot donw that no one stays over, and Christmas day make it a point that no one come over til after a certain time, like 11:00 so you can at least enjoy some of the holiday time alone with your hubby and son. Good luck.

Claid - I am so sorry you are going through all this anxiety. We also have the same discussion at the holidays - basically, who to spent the holidays with? And they both live on LI (Nassau vs. Suffolk). I would totally want what you do - to be able to wake up on Christmas morning with my DH and child and be a family. Is there anyway the rest of the extended family can come over later that day?

I hope that you can get some peace. I just thank God none of our extended family has forced themselves on us for he holidays because they know our house is a work in progress and the furniture is limited! I wouuld hope your inlaws would see it the same way.

Claud I feel for you. This is a tough position to be in. I have to agree with those who have suggested that you save Christmas morning for just the 3 of you. It is a special time and you should be able to have it the way you want it. So put you foot down and let everyone know that they are more than welcome to come at a set time later in the day.

As for Christmas dinner, you have several options. You can can have it catered or you can have everyone bring something, or you can do as much as possible ahead of time so that you can enjoy your morning too! Maybe rather than a big dinner you can have a buffet and do everything ahead of time. And don't be afraid to ask people to help in the kitchen, especially those who invited themselves.

As for furniture you can always rent tables and chairs. Your house is a work in progress and everyone needs to understand that.

One thing I would do and this is just me, is make if clear that next year you are planning something different. You can sort of add it in to the conversation and let them know that you would love to have them all over on the 26th!!! You can always use the excuse that so many gifts and people on the same day make it very hard for Paul to enjoy and appreciate..blahh blahh blahh. You get the idea. That is how I always handled the invite yourself relatives. Rather than letting them dictate to me I would say, 'We would love to see you on Christmas, but (insert child's name) is going to be so overwhelmed that he/she will be cranky and won't be able to enjoy your visit. We can get together on (whatever other day you decide) to celebrate instead. I'm sure you understand.' It worked.

As Ann Landers always said 'No one walks all over you without your permission.' Let it go this year since it's too late to do anything about it, but stick to your guns for next year.

Thank you all for the support and advice! I really appreciate it! I would LOVE to buy new furniture, but we do not have the $$ right now, AND I didn't want to make any rush decisions on furnishing these rooms yet. Also, even if I ran out and chose something NOW, I would NEVER have it in time for Christmas Day.

I am totally planning on keeping my foot firmly planted regarding the Christmas morning thing with DH and Paul. It's just that this visit by my in-laws screws up alot of plans that were already set in place with my family! We typically don't open our gifts until Christmas Day, but now we're going to exchange on Christmas Eve, b/c I don't want to give my Mom and Dad and brothers their gifts in front of my in-laws!

Christmas Eve is the traditional 'fish fry' meal which I LOVE, and I already told DH that his Mom, Dad and sister can go eat by themselves at a restaurant or at their hotel - b/c I am NOT giving up that night w/my family...its the only time I have to see my Grandparents for Christmas! So, my DH knows that I am NOT a happy camper with this stunt they are pulling.

DH mentioned to his Mom (before Thanksgiving) that we were thinking of visiting Florida in February...but, I am inclined to *squash* that plan like a bug now, just to spite them and blame it on all the extra money we are spending NOW, just to make Christmas nice for everyone.

I thought that by 'talking this out' with you guys I would feel so much better, but truthfully it's not helping! I actually feel my anger/resentment building. I know this makes me a horrible person and I do wish I could 'get over it' but I just CAN'T! I KNOW my MIL is doing this on purpose b/c she's trying desperately to 'fix' DH's relationship with his loser sister....I just wish she wouldn't involve ME and my son!

My biggest concern is that I will say things to them (out of anger) that I have been holding back for a LONG time, and people will be hurt and upset for Christmas. I just have so much hurt/anger and restentment built up toward these people b/c of past things they have done that were hurtful. Maybe when everyone gets here on Christmas Day, I'll take Paul and LEAVE

CLAUD!! This does NOT make you a horrible person! It is so normal to feel what you are feeling given the situation!

Just please think of the 3 of YOU. You don't want to hurt your husband or put him in an awkward situation if you say or do something to his family.

If it were me, like I said I'd definately keep firm on the morning with just the 3 of you, and do what you CAN without making yourself nuts for the rest of the day. Maybe once the holidays are over you should make a phone call or write a letter to his mom to get out all of the hurt and anger that you've built up. Unfortunately, these people are always going to be in your life.

So sorry you are feeling so down. I recommend putting on some x-mas music and dancing around the living room with your little man like a couple of maniacs

Oh Claud... My heart goes out to you sweetie. I can feel your hurt and anger coming through in your post. You are human and you have every right to feel exactly the way you do. All I can say is try to bite the bullet on this one. I know you want to say stuff but for your own peace of mind don't do it on Christmas. I have seen firsthand the damage that can be done by allowing your anger to get to you on a holiday. My whole family had Christmas ruined last year when my two youngest sisters decided to vent their anger to and with each other on Christmas Eve. They ended up in a literal fistfight. It was awful and this year we have decided not to have a family Christmas. We will each have our own instead. I am miserable and not looking forward to Christmas at all this year and it's my favorite holiday. So I really do understand what can happen.

Hang in there and suck it up for the sake of Paul and your DH and next year make sure it is different.

Claud - I do not think feeling the way you do toward your in-laws makes you a horrible person AT ALL. You cannot help how you feel and judging from what you have written, it seems that you have every right to feel ‘cheated’ out of a quiet Christmas at your new home with your family and a traditional Christmas later in the day with your extended family. It sounds as if your mother-in-law is trying to use the holidays to mend her children’s relationship. Unfortunately, it seems that she has forgotten that her son now has a wife and child that need to be taken into account.

I can relate to you on the tradition issue. DHs family has no traditions and my family does. Around the holidays I MUCH prefer to be with my family because I the traditions are part of what make the holiday so special for me. I get sad spending time with FHs family because we basically have some food, exchange gifts and it is all over in about 2 hours. With my family it is a much longer event and to me, has more meaning. You cannot fault yourself for wanting to do what you are used to and spend time with people who value the holiday as much as you do.

I too would find it very hard to be relaxed with a house full of people on Christmas Day. You seem like a very accommodating person who does not want to ‘step on toes,’ but you are completely stressing yourself out in the process. I am sure that with your attention to detail though, things will be wonderful. DH and I have a house that is a work in progress. We just hosted Thanksgiving and people did just fine with our one couch and some folding chairs. Beggars can’t be choosers!

I too would suggest writing a letter or something similar after the holidays are over. Even if you don’t send it, it may help to put your thoughts down on paper. And if you are still feeling resentful, bag the trip in February.

Just do your best on Christmas day to stay sane and make sure you have copious amounts of wine. Also – you know you can always come here for support and people to listen!