Letter what do you think?

to whom it may concern,
I am a storeowner and i have like three or 4 kids hanging around my store and i am very concerned because i dont know if they are trouble kids are they are planning to steal from here. i would like someone to come down and talk to them because it really annoys me and i dont want them around here. sincerly yours,
name

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Posted by luvsbob4603

to whom it may concern,
I am a storeowner and i have like three or 4 kids hanging around my store and i am very concerned because i dont know if they are trouble kids are they are planning to steal from here. i would like someone to come down and talk to them because it really annoys me and i dont want them around here. sincerly yours,
name

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Don't use the word 'Like'

replace '3 or 4 kids' with 'several'

replace 'hanging around' with 'loitering in front'.

Strike 'if they are trouble kids are they planning to steal from here', replace that with 'I am unaware of their intentions but they make me and my customers very uncomfortable.'

Strike last sentence, replace with 'I would like a police officer to address these children and remove them from my property. I would also like a cruiser to drive past periodicallly and see to it that these children are no longer loitering in front of my store.'

sorry! i tried. thanks for correcting me monkeyluv. i need to use better words. thanks again.

how about... 'get these hooligans away from me and my store before i tie them up with the rope that I stock, and drag them home, one by one, to their mommas.'

ETA: sorry, i'm a little bitter today

December 14, 2004

Principal


Dear Mr. ,

I am a new store owner in the area in the vicinity *********. I am also a resident of the area and familiar with your school.

I am advised that you are aware of the issue that some of the store owners have with the students hanging around after dismissal. They are constantly unruly and disruptive to our area and have a great impact on our business. I am sure you are aware of this problem since this has been brought up at several community board meetings. The police are aware of this as well.

We have had one instance where a student of ******* picked up and threw our merchandise, in turn breaking it while a teacher of ******was inside our store. Who, is to reimburse us, the student? The school? How is one individual going to approach a bunch of kids who are unruly?

We are willing to help the school in anyway we can. We have donated to your raffles and will continue to help to build a community relationship with the school. We in turn ask for your help on these students. If this was a one time thing okay but it is not and is ongoing.

Your schools mission statement does not seem to fit your school and I feel that your school committee should re-evaluate it. '…assist acculturation for our ethnically diverse population, strengthen community feeling and raise academic and vocational aspirations. Each ******* student will meet New York standards, respect other individuals, appreciate all cultures, work for the school, community, country, and be a contributing citizen of the world.'

It is my intention to try to resolve this problem amicably. We can only do that with your cooperation.

I am of the belief that all disagreements can be resolved when clear and cordial lines of communication are established. I am sure, you too, do not want this dispute escalating into anything larger—that would not be beneficial to either party.

Please call me immediately, at the above telephone number, so that we can begin a dialog to settle this matter as quickly as possible.



Sincerely,

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Posted by t

I am advised that you are aware of the issue that some of the store owners have with the students hanging around after dismissal.



How is one individual going to approach a bunch of kids who are unruly?



If this was a one time thing okay but it is not and is ongoing.

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the letter is good except for these three statements.

The first one doesn't make sense 'I am advised that you are aware'... very wordy and nonsensical. Also, later in the paragraph you say 'I am sure you are aware of' so you're being redundant. Replace that statement with 'I would like to bring to your attention the problem of students loitering around local businesses.'

In the second statement replace 'a bunch' with 'a group'

The third statement is far to casual for a business letter. Never use the vernacular in a written correspondence. Instead, 'This is not an isolated incident; it is an ongoing problem troubling local businesses.' Also, put this sentence at the BEGINNING of that paragraph.


How's that for help?