LOL- for all the girls with pimple problems...
Let's start with my current best friend, the Ghost Zit: these are the large, slightly red lumps that form under your skin, about six or seven miles down. Hubby calls them Phantom Zits. They're huge - they feel like they span for miles. And they HURT.
The worst thing about them is they never form a head, or a top, or even something remotely near the surface. You just walk around for upwards of a week with this huge patch of plasma weighing down the side of your face. You can always tell the people with the Ghost Zit - their features are being pulled down on one side with the weight of the fifty-five pound wad of goo under the surface of their skin.
Cousin to the Ghost Zit is the Tingling Imminent Zit, or TIZ. The TIZ hovers deep beneath the surface, and as it swells and festers, it tingles and tickles. The TIZ is a sign that something really bad will occur later in the week, perhaps in three to four days. Whichever day is most important to your career or your future prospects of having a good relationship with your inlaws, THAT is the day that the TIZ will blossom in wonder into:
The Diva Zit. The Diva Zit is huge, white, maybe even yellow, red, and greeen as well, and is front and center in the Most Prominent Space on your Face. Diva zits want to see and be seen. They are *****s for attention. Diva zits are also enormous, and you cannot ignore them. People who look at you can't ignore them, either.
Diva Zits are frequenly masquerading as your favorite holiday-themed pimple, the Rudolph Zit. It lurks right at the end of your nose, growing bigger and redder by the second. This is also one of the more painful varieties of Diva Zit, I might add.
The TIZ can also evolve into the Nerve Zit, which is a zit of any size, though usually large enough to be seen from three counties away, that finds a nerve on your face and hugs it like that big white creature on Sesame Street. It hugs it and squeezes it and probably calls it 'George.' The Nerve Zit usually prefers to hang onto a frequently used nerve on your face, so that when you move your mouth, you feel it. It hurts - like there's a big pin stuck in your face.
Now, TIZ, Diva Zits, and Nerve Zits - and zits of all sizes - if you are truly lucky, will become Bennigan's Zits. Bennigan's is a chain of restaurants that serve deep fried pub-ish food and pride themselves on having a bar that has all of maybe six kinds of beer. Bennigan's is of the same dining caliber as TGI Friday's, Max & Irma's, Ruby Tuesday's, Houlihan's or Applebee's. And what does this have to do with zits?
If you order a drink at any of these establishments, you get a Free Refill.
So a Bennigan's zit is a Free Refill Zit - it fills up on you again and again, like your body has given itself over to full-time pus production. Your liver and kidney function? Totally optional. All the available energy in your body is focused on making sure that wads of goo fill this spot on your face, usually at night when you're not standing by with a Q-tip and some alcohol, or face wash, or some other useless pansy-ass weapon of zit battle.
The worst thing about them is they never form a head, or a top, or even something remotely near the surface. You just walk around for upwards of a week with this huge patch of plasma weighing down the side of your face. You can always tell the people with the Ghost Zit - their features are being pulled down on one side with the weight of the fifty-five pound wad of goo under the surface of their skin.
Cousin to the Ghost Zit is the Tingling Imminent Zit, or TIZ. The TIZ hovers deep beneath the surface, and as it swells and festers, it tingles and tickles. The TIZ is a sign that something really bad will occur later in the week, perhaps in three to four days. Whichever day is most important to your career or your future prospects of having a good relationship with your inlaws, THAT is the day that the TIZ will blossom in wonder into:
The Diva Zit. The Diva Zit is huge, white, maybe even yellow, red, and greeen as well, and is front and center in the Most Prominent Space on your Face. Diva zits want to see and be seen. They are *****s for attention. Diva zits are also enormous, and you cannot ignore them. People who look at you can't ignore them, either.
Diva Zits are frequenly masquerading as your favorite holiday-themed pimple, the Rudolph Zit. It lurks right at the end of your nose, growing bigger and redder by the second. This is also one of the more painful varieties of Diva Zit, I might add.
The TIZ can also evolve into the Nerve Zit, which is a zit of any size, though usually large enough to be seen from three counties away, that finds a nerve on your face and hugs it like that big white creature on Sesame Street. It hugs it and squeezes it and probably calls it 'George.' The Nerve Zit usually prefers to hang onto a frequently used nerve on your face, so that when you move your mouth, you feel it. It hurts - like there's a big pin stuck in your face.
Now, TIZ, Diva Zits, and Nerve Zits - and zits of all sizes - if you are truly lucky, will become Bennigan's Zits. Bennigan's is a chain of restaurants that serve deep fried pub-ish food and pride themselves on having a bar that has all of maybe six kinds of beer. Bennigan's is of the same dining caliber as TGI Friday's, Max & Irma's, Ruby Tuesday's, Houlihan's or Applebee's. And what does this have to do with zits?
If you order a drink at any of these establishments, you get a Free Refill.
So a Bennigan's zit is a Free Refill Zit - it fills up on you again and again, like your body has given itself over to full-time pus production. Your liver and kidney function? Totally optional. All the available energy in your body is focused on making sure that wads of goo fill this spot on your face, usually at night when you're not standing by with a Q-tip and some alcohol, or face wash, or some other useless pansy-ass weapon of zit battle.
