Long Island Barbies!
Mattel recently announced the release of Limited Edition Barbie dolls
for the Long Island market:
Central Islip Barbie- This Modern Day Retro-Barbie comes with Two Gold
Teeth, Acid Washed Jeans, White Reeboks, Feathered Hair and a Double
Ring Belt (Yes it is 2006.) She also comes with Ken, her
brother/boyfriend, complete with house arrest bracelet and Dodge Neon.
Parole Officer Sold Separately.
Hempstead Barbie - This Barbie comes with Hoop Earrings, Hair Weave,
Food Stamps, a bus pass, a search warrant, and a court date. She also
comes with three babies and three different Ken's (Baby's Daddies). Each
Ken comes with his own bag of weed. (Sold separately and on a Street
Corner)
New Cassel Barbie- (Not Available)
Who are you kidding? No one wants anything from New Cassel.
Brentwood Barbie - This Spanish-speaking-only Barbie comes with a 1984
Toyota with expired temporary plates and four baby Barbies in the
backseat (no car seats). The optional Ken doll comes with a
paint-bucket, lunch pail, and is missing three fingers on his left hand.
Green cards are not available for Brentwood Barbie or Ken.
Garden City Barbie - This princess Barbie is only sold at Saks Fifth
Avenue. She comes with an assortment of Coach handbags, a Lexus SUV, a
long-haired dog named Honey, and a 3500-square foot house. Available
with or without tummy tuck and face lift. *** (rear end) not available.
Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with 'augmented' version.
Franklin Square Barbie- This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available
with Ford Windstar minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily
and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic-jamming
cell phone included, headset sold separately.
Uniondale Barbie - This recently paroled former 'Porn Actress' Barbie
comes with a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a meth-lab kit. This
model is only available after dark and can only be paid for in cash.
Preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you are a cop then we don't
know what you are talking about.
Great Neck Barbie - This stuck-up yuppie Barbie comes with your choice
of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup,
credit card, and country club membership. Also available for this set
are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford
any of them.
Hicksville Barbie - This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler
jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her
shoulder. She has a six-pack of Coors Light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD
set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's *** when she
is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate
flag bumper sticker absolutely free.
Roslyn Barbie - This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie comes with
take-out menus, lunch dates, and vacation homes. She wears only the most
expensive clothes that either her daddy or hen-pecked hubby Ken pay for.
She rarely has a job, yet is never home to take care of her own kids.
Comes with Lawyer Ken. Optional housekeeper/nanny sold separately. But
you better get one for her or she'll never shut up.
Levittown Barbie - This brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own
high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased
Beer-Gut Ken out of Hicksville Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes
low-rise jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter top. Also
available with a mobile home.
Huntington Barbie - This doll actually smells like tofu. She has long
straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and
Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her 'Willow.'
She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Huntington
Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker
for free.
New Hyde Park Barbie - This Italian Princess Barbie comes with teased
black hair, 12 gold chains, 7 gold bracelets, 8 rings and 1 ankle
bracelet. Included are a permanently attached cell phone and a black
Monte Carlo with ILUVTONY license plates. The accompanying Ken doll has
been replaced with a black haired Tony doll with hairy chest and
gel/hairdryer kit.
Merrick Barbie - this is the knock-off wearing, fake-nail-sporting,
paying-for-her-Lexus-lease-by-the-skin-of-her-teeth, 'low-rent' version
of Roslyn Barbie. She aspires to be Great Neck Barbie. Due to incessant
Merrick Barbie nagging, Ken is happily anatomically correct.
for the Long Island market:
Central Islip Barbie- This Modern Day Retro-Barbie comes with Two Gold
Teeth, Acid Washed Jeans, White Reeboks, Feathered Hair and a Double
Ring Belt (Yes it is 2006.) She also comes with Ken, her
brother/boyfriend, complete with house arrest bracelet and Dodge Neon.
Parole Officer Sold Separately.
Hempstead Barbie - This Barbie comes with Hoop Earrings, Hair Weave,
Food Stamps, a bus pass, a search warrant, and a court date. She also
comes with three babies and three different Ken's (Baby's Daddies). Each
Ken comes with his own bag of weed. (Sold separately and on a Street
Corner)
New Cassel Barbie- (Not Available)
Who are you kidding? No one wants anything from New Cassel.
Brentwood Barbie - This Spanish-speaking-only Barbie comes with a 1984
Toyota with expired temporary plates and four baby Barbies in the
backseat (no car seats). The optional Ken doll comes with a
paint-bucket, lunch pail, and is missing three fingers on his left hand.
Green cards are not available for Brentwood Barbie or Ken.
Garden City Barbie - This princess Barbie is only sold at Saks Fifth
Avenue. She comes with an assortment of Coach handbags, a Lexus SUV, a
long-haired dog named Honey, and a 3500-square foot house. Available
with or without tummy tuck and face lift. *** (rear end) not available.
Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with 'augmented' version.
Franklin Square Barbie- This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available
with Ford Windstar minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily
and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic-jamming
cell phone included, headset sold separately.
Uniondale Barbie - This recently paroled former 'Porn Actress' Barbie
comes with a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a meth-lab kit. This
model is only available after dark and can only be paid for in cash.
Preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you are a cop then we don't
know what you are talking about.
Great Neck Barbie - This stuck-up yuppie Barbie comes with your choice
of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup,
credit card, and country club membership. Also available for this set
are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford
any of them.
Hicksville Barbie - This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler
jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her
shoulder. She has a six-pack of Coors Light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD
set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's *** when she
is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate
flag bumper sticker absolutely free.
Roslyn Barbie - This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie comes with
take-out menus, lunch dates, and vacation homes. She wears only the most
expensive clothes that either her daddy or hen-pecked hubby Ken pay for.
She rarely has a job, yet is never home to take care of her own kids.
Comes with Lawyer Ken. Optional housekeeper/nanny sold separately. But
you better get one for her or she'll never shut up.
Levittown Barbie - This brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own
high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased
Beer-Gut Ken out of Hicksville Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes
low-rise jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter top. Also
available with a mobile home.
Huntington Barbie - This doll actually smells like tofu. She has long
straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and
Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her 'Willow.'
She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Huntington
Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker
for free.
New Hyde Park Barbie - This Italian Princess Barbie comes with teased
black hair, 12 gold chains, 7 gold bracelets, 8 rings and 1 ankle
bracelet. Included are a permanently attached cell phone and a black
Monte Carlo with ILUVTONY license plates. The accompanying Ken doll has
been replaced with a black haired Tony doll with hairy chest and
gel/hairdryer kit.
Merrick Barbie - this is the knock-off wearing, fake-nail-sporting,
paying-for-her-Lexus-lease-by-the-skin-of-her-teeth, 'low-rent' version
of Roslyn Barbie. She aspires to be Great Neck Barbie. Due to incessant
Merrick Barbie nagging, Ken is happily anatomically correct.
