Now for the Dilemma. My mother passed away five years ago and my stepmother has been married to my dad for about 17 years. She has not helped me do anything. She had a list on the fridge and just checked off everything that I did. I also think that she isn't really helping my MOH with the bridal shower. Also my half sister(age 15) who is in my wedding party is not talking to me because I 'ratted' her out for her illicit bad behavior. My stepmother is shockingly upset with me because I betrayed my sister's trust by telling them she was partaking in adult activities and illegal activities. I was concerned for her and thought that the 'parents' should know so they could guide her on the right path. They however thought as a sister she could confide in me with whatever she says. I can't believe this whole situation is happening. Since my sister is now not talking to me I suggested maybe she not be in the wedding party. It is my impression she is angry with me for telling so why would she want to be in the party. I refuse to have someone in my wedding party who is not talking to me and is ignoring texts requesting to do bridesmaid requirements (pick out shoes, etc, etc.) My stepmother said that if I kick her out she is not attending the wedding, and both my half sisters will not be a part of it.
I have no idea what to do. Its a lose lose situation for me. If I keep her in the wedding party and she doesn't talk to me until my wedding (4 months away) how will I enjoy my wedding day with a bridesmaid A. ignoring me B. with a puss on her face. My stepmom on the other hand is a child as she is refusing to parent her daughter and is agreeing with her daughter that my ratting her out was wrong further reinforcing her bad behavior.
UGGHHH
What would you girls do about my sister being or not being in the wedding?
Also...
Since my stepmother has not done ANYTHING should I word my invitations. Mr. blank blank requests your honor of his daughter OR Mr. and Mrs. blank blank
I never thought that my concern for my younger sister would have made me 'the bad guy' and ruin the excitement and planning I had for my wedding.
If you read this entire post thank you!
dunnkat
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Re: Major Drama and Big Invitation Dilemma- Very LONG
Sorry for the drama your dealing with! I would address the invite mr and mrs blank , even though she is not really helping I think it was cause more drama if you don't include her on it. How does your father feel about what happend? I don't understand how your stepmom could be mad when you only had the safety and welfare of her child in mind! I think I would leave her in the wedding , 4 months is enough time for things to blow over hopefully and it sounds like if you kicked her out it would be a whole big feud. Hope it works out for you.
mtk1605
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Re: Major Drama and Big Invitation Dilemma- Very LONG
First and foremost, I am so sorry that you are dealing with this :( weddings honestly bring out the worst in people....
What does your dad say? Is your sister in any trouble now or did they let it go? If she is 15 I'm gonna guess she will get over it and have a new dramatic issue in her life soon enough (all 15 year olds do)
As far as the wording for the invite, are your parents paying for it? If so even though step mom is being utterly ridiculous I say you put Mr & Mrs so and so request the honour.... as much as it will feel good to give her a good jab in the belly by just writing your dad in the end it will probably only hurt you :(
That all being said, this day is about you and FH NO ONE else, so if bratty sister wants to sit in a corner and pout, let her, you will have a hundred other people there pawning over you guys. No stress girl, your day will be amazing!!!
Tippy
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Re: Major Drama and Big Invitation Dilemma- Very LONG
To answer both the girls above.....
(A little background and a little embarrassing) My stepmom just got back from rehab for liking the bottle a little too much. My dad asked me to come help him out with my sisters while she was away. When I was there this was how I discovered what was going on. My dad at first took her cell phone away and told her she wasn't allowed to go to the prom with her 17 year old boyfriend. My sister went a little crazy and was sent to her grandparents house who gave her a phone and complete computer access so she was never officially punished. She is still able to date at 15, go out with friends, and has every luxury available to man.
When my stepmom got back he still agreed with me, but he said to me last night that maybe I should have kept it between my sister and I could have guided her to make the right decisions.
I have my own life, live far from them, and it is not my job to parent. I think my dad would rather have been kept in the dark with the issue (just like my stepmother's drinking issue). Ignoring the big pink elephant in the middle of the room is easier than kicking it out to him and my fam in general.
As far as the invites you girls are right. Although my stepmom met my dad when she was 25 and never had a job so she technically isn't paying anything.
Sometimes I wish I could trade my family in. This situation has been making me not only sick to my stomach, but physically sick. I am so tempted to just call the wedding off and elope the more I think of everything going on.
PS...I don't think my sister will get over it. She hasn't talked to me since mid May. (It would be easier if she would just refuse to be in the wedding party. That would make my life less stressful. Id rather her get lost in the crowd of guests then spend the whole day with me being a bratty B9t$ch.
mtk1605
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Re: Major Drama and Big Invitation Dilemma- Very LONG
I'm so sorry hun. You will get through this :) I wish there was something I could do or say to make you feel better
LindsaylovesJustin
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Re: Major Drama and Big Invitation Dilemma- Very LONG
Here is my thought... do you remember being 15 years old? I do and I was a total B*tch at that age... but 15 is young... its hard to stay mad when you know at that age she is changing her mind every 5 minutes... Id let it go and let time pass and she will come around.. as they say Kill her with kindness... shes your sister - set the example for her since obviously your step mother isnt!
As for the step mother... do whatever makes your dad happy.. but if you feel its disrespecting your mother to have her name where your moms would be... I would just put your fathers name.
Good luck with everything and remember 'even though its the BIG day its just ONE day' dont let it affect your family life anymore than it already has!
Thar1127
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Re: Major Drama and Big Invitation Dilemma- Very LONG
do not let family drama sway you away from what the day is really about!
also i agree with the comment above-- at 15 i was a lunatic-- she is still finding out who she is. I totally think you did the right thing by telling your family, although I guess it did no good. Maybe you could reach out to her? she obviously needs some sort of help-- and if its not help that she needs maybe just an eat to listen? she is growing up in that family that you want to run away from and elope.
and again-- think about your FH and you on your wedding day!! its all about the love! haha
DreamyD
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Re: Major Drama and Big Invitation Dilemma- Very LONG
I think you should talk to the 15 year old as much as it sucks- to just make your wedding planning and your day go smoother.
Let her know WHY you told them. That you were worried for her and you don't want to see her make mistakes.
Let her be a little bad- allow her to have a drink while you're out or something equally as 'bad' for a 15 year old.
(maybe this is bad advice but I remember feeling deep sense of trust with older family members that would slip me drinks when I was 15- 16)
Get her back on your team and the rest will fall into line
Do not try to understand with or compete with 15 year old hormones or brains!!!!
And BREATHE!
MNM0805
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Re: Major Drama and Big Invitation Dilemma- Very LONG
So you have to deal with all of this family drama! I would seek your sister out and talk to her. She could be behaving the way she is because of what is going on with her mother. Maybe she looks to you as someone who she can count on and she felt betrayed when you told your father and stepmom. I'm not saying you were wrong about telling them. I'm just saying maybe you should be the bigger person and try to mend things.
As for the invitations, I would just put Mr. & Mrs. You have enough going on that you don't need to open a can of worms. It will be one less thing that will cause drama for you.
I hope everything works out!
dunnkat
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Re: Major Drama and Big Invitation Dilemma- Very LONG
Although it doesnt make it any easier or right what happend , but I agree that most teenage girls(myself included) are crazy hormonal *******. Dealing with a stepmom who is an alcoholic can't make life any easier ! I know your mad and stressed but I really think you should talk to your sister and work things out. Dealing with an alcoholic parent , divorce and being a teenager is hard . She might not say it or admit it even to herself, but she she needs her big sister. Your stepmom I would agree to disagree with and keep distance from, but I hope you can work on things with your sister.
BklynBabe1624
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Re: Major Drama and Big Invitation Dilemma- Very LONG
I am very, very sorry to hear this all.
If I were in your shoes, I would sit down and try to speak to my sister. As teenagers, all of us know - we like to rebel, have fun and get mad at anyone who gets in our way. So with that said, I would ask to speak to your sister and explain that you love her, and its not that you 'ratted' her out for her to be in trouble, but that she is protected from dangerous things. If and when she ever had a problem, she can confide in you, and you can always give her the guidance she needs as a big sister.
Her mother, (your stepmom) is angry at the fact, that maybe no one helped her with her problem, and here is your sister telling you things, in need for attention. (maybe she cant handle the issue with your mom,. so she follows the footsteps).
I believe that your step mom asked for your help or guidance with your sister for the guilt she feels about her addiction. How can she punish her daughter when she does that?
I also believe that since your stepmother had an addiction problem, and hasn't helped you with wedding planning. I see this as a dependent issue. She(stepmom) was use to receiving the attention during her problem, and now that the attention is focused on you, she withdraws herself. She wants to feel important, hence the list on the frigde. I would suggest to involve her in on things by asking her her opinions, ideas. Make her feel involved and I would only hope she would respond positively.
As for the invitation problem, I would include her on them..if you don't - it could hurt her feelings and possibly cause a bigger problem than you could think of.
I hope this helps, FM me if you want to talk =)
LoveyDovey
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Re: Major Drama and Big Invitation Dilemma- Very LONG
Im sorry you are dealing with this
I would seriously take the time out to speak to your sister. I think the best thing to do is tackle the problem head on. She is your sister, you two have to work it out. all sisters fight and argue, especially sisters at her age. They think they know it all and think they are adults and they do not want to hear about them doing things wrong.
I would really consider taking some time to speak to her and explain to her why you did it and hopefully squash the drama from that situation. You only get married once and life can be very short sometimes, so its really important to make up with her, wedding or not, you dont want to have grudges with a sister.
as for the invitation, I would do what made my dad happy as well, as annoying as it may be to put her on there...I would take the easy path and ask him what he wants. honestly no one is going to care or even read that part of the invite, or even put 2 and 2 together in their head, that 'oh her dad and step mom helped with the wedding.' i honestly had no idea that the wording could mean that lol until i joined this site
hth!
you know where to find me if you need to chat/vent more
ColliMac23
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Re: Major Drama and Big Invitation Dilemma- Very LONG
Honestly when my little sisters get to that age and if they were doing something bad I would tell. It's hard but you want to make sure nothing happens to them. Take her to dinner and talk. I would word it together with their parents and avoid the situation. Or ask your Dad how he feels.
Joyful1016
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Re: Major Drama and Big Invitation Dilemma- Very LONG
So sorry you are going through this.
I agree with the previous posters regarding your sister. It's not easy but sometimes we need to tolerate and do more when it comes to family. She may be angry with you now, but one day she'll think back and remember how much you cared about her and her well being. Also, it may totally stink to have to deal with a 15 yr old sour puss on the day of your wedding, but in the long run I think the alternative to not have her as a bridesmaid would be worse.
As for your stepmom, she needs a swift kick in the behind and needs to parent her girls better and not blame you for doing the right thing. I agree with the others as well about asking your dad what he wants. If it's going to cause major drama, not worth it. If he doesn't care, boot her to the curb b/c she's not worth it.
Big hugs girl. Lean on FH and all the others that care for you. We are here to listen.
linda_art
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Re: Major Drama and Big Invitation Dilemma- Very LONG
Sorry you are dealing with this, it's very upsetting to hear. If your step-mom is an addict then you're dealing with a sick person. They whole family is effected by alcoholism and if she just got out of rehab then its very likely that this 15yr old has witnessed enough and is acting out, more than the regular teen. The whole situation is sick and everyone seems to be reacting. Your step mom was in rehab, she had no power and no control, her telling you that if you take out one sister then nobody is going is a way of exihibiting control. Its sad. it sounds like your concern for your sister had nothing to do 'with your concern' according to them. It sounds like they are personalizing and maybe feeling attacked, like they are not the best parents... who knows? Either way, from what you are stating above you did no wrong but when you're dealing with addicts and people directly effected by a drinker, then all normal logic goes out the window. This is just my experience with having an addict parent as well. Your little sister may never get the help she needs and worse case scenario, she could even get worse in her behavior. My suggestion would be to do the best you can to be nice to her and be her friend. Have you apologized for hurting her? Not for what you did, but for hurting her feelings? I could go on and on- I have a lot of experience with messed up family dynamics bc of alcoholism. Feel free to FM anytime.
Tippy
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Re: Major Drama and Big Invitation Dilemma- Very LONG
I appreciate all you girls taking the time out to read and give very thought out analysis and game plans. I am going to try and answer everyone in one. I spoke to my dad who was on my side, but he told me recently maybe I should have kept it quiet. I think he is tired of dealing with everything that has been going on lately.
I am going to keep my Invitations as Mr. and Mrs. so I don't make any more waves.
I have been texting my sister a ton of stuff about we have to do this and that for the wedding with no response. I then texted her yesterday that I thought we should go out to dinner me and her to talk. She agreed. She did text me about a pair of sunglasses that we both had and hers broke and she offered to give me money for mine. I am wondering if maybe she just wants to meet up to get the sunglasses. (Sad that this is how I see her thinking). I told her that mine had broke to so we will see if she still agrees to dinner or changes plans.
I am just so frustrated that I even have to go the extra mile with this whole situation when I feel a 100% that I did the right thing. Unfortunately it fell on the ears of parents who are not parenting. My game plan is to patch up my relationship with my sister and say nothing about nothing and whatever they choose to allow her to do will be their cross to bear in the end. Not mine...and I won't ever say, 'I told you so.'
ImgonnabeMrsC
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Re: Major Drama and Big Invitation Dilemma- Very LONG
I think you should let things cool off for a while, your wedding isn't until November, and this is your sister. We all rat each other out and get mad at each other, but in the end, it is family, ya know? I had a huge falling out with my sister and my mom this past year and I was thinking of doing the same thing, but it blew over and after two weeks we talked and things are great now!
I'm sorry your parents weren't supportive of you for telling them about your sisters actions. I hope they realize that they are wrong! What if something terrible happens to her?! Ugh. It's good you told them.
You could always put together with their parents for the invite, you don't wanna stir things up! I don't want you regretting it if you don't put her name on it, ya know? let us know what you decide! good luck!!
