MAJOR FMIL HELP NEEDED (repost)

Repost from Brides Helping Brides - I need all the help I can get....

I don't even know where to begin with this...

Background - my future MIL...when we got engaged...was happy and then sat me and my FH down and said - if you think you're ever going to get divorced, please don't get married, i can't deal with another divorce. Now - on some level i'm okay with this - as her precious daughter just went through a horrible divorce...but come on...

Now - we've started planning our wedding & she is STUNNED to realize that my parents aren't paying for the whole thing. When I tell her this - she has the nerve to tell me that it still happens now-adays... I told her - believe me - not in my world. Neither of us are young, my FH is 37, i'm 31...we've lived together for 4 and a half years now...so it's not like we've been supported forever by my family. So - we're paying for it all ourselves. His parents bankrolled his sisters' MEGA pricey divorce(have i mentioned that he doesn't rate on his family tree?)....so they aren't struggling, but they're not as safe as they were...

So - we ask them in the very least to cover the rehearsal dinner.. They eventually agreed - but we told them...our wedding is on a Sunday - anyone who feels it's important enough to come to our wedding from out of town (not many people really, maybe 10 more than the bridal party, 15 tops), should be able to come to the rehearsal dinner. They never said anything... A few weeks go by and we're told that they've been researching places on Long Island for the party...now they're from Jersey so have no idea about LI. They call the Fox Hollow - and apparently make plans and speak to someone there. Keep in mind people - i didn't know this - and i was doing my own work here - talking to some hotels about ballrooms and catering. So they tell us this info now - two days ago.

We point blank do not want our dinner at the same place our wedding will be...we want the first time for people to see it on our wedding day...nevermind the fact that if money is an issue - you can get MUCH cheaper than the Fox Hollow for dinner...and the food will be just as good..

So my lovely and WAY LAID BACK FH calls his parents to tell them:
a. we don't want it at the same place as our wedding
b. i have been doing research and can give them the info and they can have fun
c. when we're on vacation they can come out and we can show them around the island and give them ideas

His parents FREAKED out - telling us how the rehearsal dinner is supposed to be a surprise for the couple & most people have no involvement at all. He called her on this and she had no rebuttle.. They said we basically had no right to say where we want the party to be, etc...

We MAY be going over there tomorrow to talk this out - i will be taking two xanax - i had them prescribed to me because of her... What on earth do we do here??????

HELP US!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (sorry this is so long)

well... am not sure I have any sort of an answer...but I did want to tell you that I think you are absolutelt right about not wanting it at the same place as your wedding...I feel like that is just such an obvious thing...sorry you are dealing with this

i replied on the BHB thread ...

#1 i totally understand where you are coming from. I wouldnt want my rehersal dinner at my venue either.
#2 the couple almost always knows where it is, it's not a surprise party or anything like that. so in that fact your FMIL is wrong.

however... as someone who has a crazy FMIL i just want to point out that you're lucky they are paying for it all, especially at a place as nice as the Fox Hollow.

i hope it works out for you

I'll first say, your inlaws are wrong...I feel your pain.
My situation is a little different. My inlaws refuse to pay for the RD or anything else. Soafter alot of arguments and fights we decieded to pay for it oursleves...this way we plan it our way and don't have to thank them for a thing. If they had it their way they would make it out by where they live so if would be conveient for them. I know this would be tough to suggest...but why not pay for it yourself...I know its an added expense but at least they couldn;t make any demands...charge it and pay when you return from the honeymoon. Hope this helps!!!!