marriage update...little long..sorry haven't vented in awhile!

I haven't posted about this in awhile b/c ive been upset and tired from school and emotionally drained. Long story short we never did meet for dinner. He has mixed feelings and to be honest so do I. Although I miss him, my life has been peaceful and calm these past two weeks. he doesnt like when I yell and scream and that is what I became when I was with him, its not who I was. He sees it as me kicking him out when the truth was I couldnt take the fighting and arguing anymore. I was miserable. He doesnt think he has a problem and he thinks I am making a big deal out of nothing.
Part of me feels bad for feeling that way and giving up because its only been 7 months but do I want to spend my life dealing with this???we were together a year and half before that and there were signs. i thought things would get better once we got married (naive) and it just got worse.
he just doesnt see how it not only affects him but it affects me. he says he cant and won't change. so im supposed to accept that? sorry i can't.
thats where I am right now....

I showed my FW this story last week when it was an active thread.

She wanted me to ask you why don't you just go out with him when he is going out?

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Posted by DjPiLL

I showed my FW this story last week when it was an active thread.

She wanted me to ask you why don't you just go out with him when he is going out?

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That's what you ask her??? What kind of question is that????

KDELACE BRAVO TO YOU!!! I think what you're doing is amazing...Keep your head up...You're strong...You can do it...

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Posted by BMD'sPeanut

That's what you ask her??? What kind of question is that????

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Thats what she told me when I showed her the thread. Hey don't shoot the messenger. She thought there might be more problems with the marriage that are under the table, not being mentioned, besides just going out with the guys every night.

Kristi,

I am so sorry. But you know that you cannot change someone who doesn't want to change. If you cannot accept the way he behaves (and I am in NO WAY saying you should) then you have to do what is best for you. I know the single scene is scary, but you need to think about you right now not that. You have a heart that will need to heal and matters that will need to be addressed.

We are always here for you.

Kristi, I just wanted to give you some . Hang in there!

You're at the point in your life where you're finished partying. Totally understandable. You deserve better than you're getting from him. I think it's great that you tried, but it does not seem like he is willing to meet you halfway.

You are right to put yourself on a pedestal- you need to look out for yourself and take care of your needs. So many women stay in bad or unfulfilling situations because they don't think they deserve more. You are going to save yourself a lot of heartache in the long run, it seems.

Well I am going to get flamed for this since I am not in agreement with the rest of the world on this site... but its still my opinion and I am entitled to it just like everyone else. I didnt make a post in the previous threads cause I wanted to first see if he would come home on his own.

I guess I agree with my FW in not seeing that as a major deal to risk an entire marriage over. If I was doing this... my FW would probably just go home on her own and go to bed and not think twice about it. I don't think she would give me slack over it.... especially if I was staying because my friends were there.

But everyone is entitled to their own opinions and such. I know for a fact that my FW is very liberal with her beliefs so that could cause the difference in opinion. She always told me she would never get in the way of me and hanging out with my pals (which I am extremely thankful for).

There is a big difference between coming home at 6am (which I don't see a problem with - most bars don't close till 4 which you are probably aware of)... and coming home the next day at like 10am or noon.

If he comes home between 4-6am... thats one thing. Thats when the bars close. Hell... I don't come home till 5am every day myself from when I am out. But if he comes home say after the sun comes up... then you are in the right to scold him.

Since he hasn't come home yet or talked in these past two weeks... it sounds like he is holding his ground and believes he is right. I 'sort-of' believe he is right as well.

If you really want to save the marriage... you might have to just give in. Or you are more than welcome to just end the relationship if you feel it isn't worth the headache.

- Now before you flame the hell out of me... read this final paragraph that sums it up

You said it yourself that this is the way he was when you met him. Just because you changed since you got married and feel its not 'acceptable' anymore... I don't think its fair to expect him to change as well just because you are married. Change should not be forced.


Well regardless of the situation.... good luck with whatever you do or end up doing. Its your call if you want to stay in the marriage or not. He isn't going to budge on this one.

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Posted by DjPiLL

Well I am going to get flamed for this since I am not in agreement with the rest of the world on this site... but its still my opinion and I am entitled to it just like everyone else. I didnt make a post in the previous threads cause I wanted to first see if he would come home on his own.

I guess I agree with my FW in not seeing that as a major deal to risk an entire marriage over. If I was doing this... my FW would probably just go home on her own and go to bed and not think twice about it. I don't think she would give me slack over it.... especially if I was staying because my friends were there.

But everyone is entitled to their own opinions and such. I know for a fact that my FW is very liberal with her beliefs so that could cause the difference in opinion. She always told me she would never get in the way of me and hanging out with my pals (which I am extremely thankful for).

There is a big difference between coming home at 6am (which I don't see a problem with - most bars don't close till 4 which you are probably aware of)... and coming home the next day at like 10am or noon.

If he comes home between 4-6am... thats one thing. Thats when the bars close. Hell... I don't come home till 5am every day myself from when I am out. But if he comes home say after the sun comes up... then you are in the right to scold him.

Since he hasn't come home yet or talked in these past two weeks... it sounds like he is holding his ground and believes he is right. I 'sort-of' believe he is right as well.

If you really want to save the marriage... you might have to just give in. Or you are more than welcome to just end the relationship if you feel it isn't worth the headache.

- Now before you flame the hell out of me... read this final paragraph that sums it up

You said it yourself that this is the way he was when you met him. Just because you changed since you got married and feel its not 'acceptable' anymore... I don't think its fair to expect him to change as well just because you are married. Change should not be forced.


Well regardless of the situation.... good luck with whatever you do or end up doing. Its your call if you want to stay in the marriage or not. He isn't going to budge on this one.

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well, i have to admit, DJ, you're more gutsy than I am. After I saw rhe post about how they met and did all the same stuff, and then one person changed, it made me agree with what you said. But you had the guts to speak, I didn't

At least now we can both get flamed

Sometimes people grow and change and not always together or at the same time. It seems like you want to lead a more laid back lifestyle, party here, party there...but not lead the college life lifestyle of everynight all night long. I don't blame you...

Unfortunately I think your husband hasn't rounded that bend yet or possibly never will. It's not his fault or yours for that matter. Things just happen.

I hope that all works out for you in whatever you decide to do. You seem like a very smart and strong woman. You'll get through this...just depends on what you can live with.

Good Luck

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Posted by StepherG

Sometimes people grow and change and not always together or at the same time. It seems like you want to lead a more laid back lifestyle, party here, party there...but not lead the college life lifestyle of everynight all night long. I don't blame you...

Unfortunately I think your husband hasn't rounded that bend yet or possibly never will. It's not his fault or yours for that matter. Things just happen.

I hope that all works out for you in whatever you decide to do. You seem like a very smart and strong woman. You'll get through this...just depends on what you can live with.

Good Luck

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This pretty much sums it up in a nutshell.

Good post!

you GUYS are not getting what i am saying.

well since you are sticking up for my husband maybe i should fill you in on a little more then maybe you wouldnt stick up for him...i didnt want to put it all out there but maybe you can see where i am coming from....

i found coke in his pocket, TWICE!!!... this was before we got married... so staying out late isnt because of drinking.. I am not a FOOL... I know the bars close at 4am but he lives down the block..doesnt have to drive so what is REALLY going on between 4 am and 6,7,8 am when he strolls in... im not stupid....
so its not just a drinking problem, there are drugs involved.

also he was in a DWI accident- almost cost the other guys his life- he was sued... it was finally settled.....

this problem goes BEYOND the typical night of drinking with the boys...

when we were getting married he said he wanted to calm down and start a fresh life without drinking and so on... we both wanted that at the time. thats why i am so upset.... i was naive enough to believe he would want to start a fresh life.... i know now he cant change- and he doesnt want to....

there are other drinking horror stories that i could tell you that would make you cringe but i am not going to get that personal...

so please dont judge me and make me feel like i am being hard on him!!!

Kdelace........no matter what happens you and he have to talk. I hope you two can do that soon.

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Posted by kdelace

you GUYS are not getting what i am saying.


i found coke in his pocket, TWICE

also he was in a DWI accident- almost cost the other guys his life- he was sued... it was finally settled.....


so please dont jusge me and make me feel like i am being hard on him!!!

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en


Well you see... we can only comment on the information we are given. If you give us a partial story... you get a partial answer that you may not like. What you originally said sounded a little 'petty'.


What you are saying now is a totally different story. My FW was right thinking there was 'more under the table'.

With this new information... I am now in total agreement with you. He has a problem and needs to correct it.... probably with professional help.

I don't envy your situation. Good luck with what you end up doing.

Kristi

You do not have to justify yourself and how you feel. Many of us realize that with one additicion usually comes another, whatever it may be. Please do not let it get to you.

To the guys- (and I wish my DH would learn this too)

Being a shoulder to cry on or a place to vent does not mean that you have the right to express an opinion, being a friend is listening and not judging. If she had said Opinions please that would have been a different story.

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Posted by kdelace


when we were getting married he said he wanted to calm down and start a fresh life without drinking and so on... we both wanted that at the time. thats why i am so upset.... i was naive enough to believe he would want to start a fresh life.... i know now he cant change- and he doesnt want to....

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this right here says that he's got an addiction problem..maybe not to the drugs or drinking, but an addiction to the lifestyle.

Says oen thing, does another...giving kristi EXACTLY what she wanted to hear and believe.

I've been there and done that, dated a drinker/heroin addict for 5 years, believing his lies, cheating, and broken promises.

Kristi: you deserve nothing but the best, and it'll be put in front of you when you need it most. You're a strong woman and I give you kudos for knowing what you want, believing it, and standing firm. HIS loss....