May Call it All Off!

This is long, so please be patient. I don't know where to start. My fiance and I have had an on and off relationship for four years. We love each other and he is a wonderful person in so many ways. But the biggest underlying problems in our relationship have been my fears about his lack of motivation and inability to support a family, our inability to work problems out without a big blowout, and our different outlooks on money.

I fell in love with him for his love of life, his sense of humor, and his kind, loving nature. I also fell in love with him because from the first day we met he has offered me unconditional love. He has always made me feel so special and like I am such an important person in his life. He has always made it known that he wants to marry me and that he loves me deeply and will until the day he dies. He has never looked at another woman. He's always been attentive, affectionate, and loving. I have so much fun with him and he always makes me laugh. This is the kind of love that I have always dreamed of and want nothing less for myself. If it all stopped there, I wouldn't have a problem.

I've always been bothered by his lack of motivation and lack of interest in planning for the future. He is 28 years old and is a Catholic school teacher. He finally got this job (well, his mom really got it for him) after more than five years of subbing in the public schools. I have no problem with his being in the Catholic schools--this could be a bridge to getting into the public schools and making more money. But, I don't see him doing anything to make this happen just like I haven't seen him doing anything to make ANYTHING happen for his career for the past four years. If something good happens in his career, it's not because HE did anything to make it happen. He has no drive in this area of his life. He won't even bother to put in the effort to make a portfolio of his work--which is VERY important in interviewing for teaching jobs. I've offered to help him, but he seems so disinterested and even annoyed at the idea.

Sometimes I ask him if he even likes his job, and he says he does, but I don't believe him.

Right now I'm pursuing a master's degree in education and plan to be very aggressive about getting a job. I'm enthusiastic and highly motivated. I make things happen. The bottom line is, although I love him--and so many things about him--I'm afraid that he will become a led weight I'll have to drag along in life and that I'll resent him for it. I'm afraid that he will not do all he can to provide for me and a family, and that I'll resent him for that, too.

When I tell him about my fears he either gives me vague reassurances or becomes angry and defensive and says, 'Why is money so important to you? Why is it all about money?' as if I'm some sort of materialistic, shallow, money-hungry woman.

I just don't trust him (to do whatever it takes to provide for us financially). This is breaking my heart because it looks like I have to end this (we've already tried counseling several different times, which usually ends up making things worse somehow.) We just booked the hall on Friday, so I hope I can get my deposite back. PLEASE HELP! I'm sorry this is soooo long.

Re: May Call it All Off!

OK...First of all...HUGS...



From the way you speak of him he sound like he has so many good qualities...does he know that you are considering calling it off? Maybe if he knew that he would get some motivation. Sounds like he's just not happy with what he's doing and just needs a kick in the pants...you calling it off may do the trick. You say that he has no interest in planning for the future, maybe he's just afraid of the future, which is understandable...it's tough out there. Sounds like you maybe need some time apart.

Good luck to you!!!

Re: May Call it All Off!

You sound a little like me. My fh is the same way, and I love him for all the same reasons you said. I have a masters degree and am looking for a job- he is on his third try of starting his own buisness. I have decided I love him and want to marry him anyway.
That does not mean it is the best way for you to go, and you are not shallow or materialistic for wanting a stable future for you and your family. Good luck in whatever you decide!

Re: May Call it All Off!

I am sorry you are going through such a tough time. I had a friend in a similar situtaion (they weren't engaged just dated for 4 years).. Anyway, your concerns are REAL. I think that you should let him know exactly how your feeling and your concerns about going through with the wedding. He has to show you actions and unfortunately only time will tell. How far off is your wedding?

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Yes, he knows I'm on the verge of calling it off. But see, I broke up with him after we were dating for two years for similar reasons and THAT didn't light a fire under him. I mean, he never gave up on me, but at the same time, he never really all of a sudden changed into a motivated guy. I got back together with him because I truly missed him and told myself that things would be okay. Unfortunately, no matter how desperately I try to push the things that bother me down, they keep rising to the surface. I love him, but I think he's lazy, sheltered, and spoiled, and has no idea how difficult the real world is. Thanks for caring!

Re: May Call it All Off!

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We just booked the hall last Friday for November 6, 2004. And his parents and my parents were supposed to meet for the first time at a dinner at my house on Saturday. I feel like I have to make this decision right now. Too much pressure!

Re: May Call it All Off!

He needs to be on his own i.e. without mom and dad to pick him up. My bro is married and still needs that swift kick. Some parents feel guilty dumping a kid and so they let the kid (grown man) mooch off of them for too long and he never grows up. Sounds like your FH is a sweetie but he is spoiled and sheltered. It's sad, but he needs to cut the apron strings.

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Did you just get engaged? If so, stop and take a deep breath. I'm not saying that your problems should be taken lightly, they shouldn't. However, sometimes when you get engaged (or even after you've been engaged for a while) or you make a major decision that makes the wedding real, you can panic. You don't want to make your decision based on a panic attack. If the parent meeting is too much for you right now, put it off and just take some time to breathe and think. I read this book after I got engaged called 'Otherwise Engaged' and there was this quote about suddenly a sock on the floor isn't just a sock on the floor anymore... it's a sock on the floor for the rest of your life. The point is, you're Fiance's negative qualities may be magnified in your mind right now because of the panic that can set in with this kind of a commitment. Don't make rash decisions. You can always call off the wedding no matter what - it's better than getting married because you feel pressured, but just make sure you're not reacting to the engagement/booking a reception hall panic.

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Although we just got engaged 5/3, I don't think that this is just about cold feet after booking the hall because I've had these fears about him almost throughout the entire four years of our on and off relationship. I know that no one is perfect, but I don't know if I will ever truly be at peace with his weaknesses.

Thanks for all of your help and encouragement. It is greatly appreciated!

Re: May Call it All Off!

He sounds like he has a lot of great qualities. Just remember that you can't change someone and he will always have the 'negative' qualities, too. You have to decide if you can live with the good and the bad. If not, a few years down the road when you have a family you may reach a breaking point and not want to be with him anymore but feel 'stuck' because of the children. You have to decide if there is enough good to last forever. Good Luck!

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This is such a tough one. I really feel for you right now. I know you mentioned couples counseling didn't work, I'm suggesting just you go talk to someone to help you make the best decision for yourself. This is big.
I do want to say that I don't think you or anyone else can motivate your man, only he can find what will drive him. And it may not happen. Understand that we can't change our beloved. Do you accept him as is? Don't bank on them changing, they may, but don't go into this thinking he will. You will most likely end up disappointed and frustrated.
Money is one of the biggest fights for married couples. But finding a man to love you and treat you right can take a lifetime.
He really could be content with his modest life but are you on the same page? Some people don't strive for more and they really are happy, but you need to agree on that.
I wish you piece of mind that whatever you decide, it was for a reason. Learn from everything. Stay with him and learn patience and acceptance, move on and learn what's important to you in a relationship. Neither one is wrong, it's what's right for you.

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Everyone has bad qualities as the others have said. You could take a step back and don't overwhelm yourself so soon. In the end you will makethe right decision for you!! All the best!

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I think you really need to take a look at your relationship. Ask yourself if you can imagine your life with out him. We have to take the good with the bad. If you feel that you can take the aggressive approach for your future and aren't afraid to stand up and take charge in the relationship, then by all means marry this man. He sounds so wonderful and is a great catch. We are all only human and have our quirks. I wouldn't let this ruin a relationship tha sounds so special..

Good luck... hope everything works out!

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patty, think seriously before you call this off. the qualities that you described in him sound wonderful. many women are complaining about not having them. i am sure some would switch with you in a minute. now i am not saying that you don't have genuine concerns, you do, but relationships are not perfect. you say he loves you unconditionally. shouldn't you offer the same? maybe he hasn't found his dream career maybe due to his parents doing too much for him. but instead of riding him pursue your plans and let him find his in his own due time. everyone has weaknesses. marriage isn't perfect but if he as good as you say he is, i say stick it out because if you don't want him plenty of other women would love the loving qualities you describe. jmo sending hugs and hope you work out your problems.

Re: May Call it All Off!

Bride2be,

Yes, he does have many outstanding qualities. He's a great date, and a great boyfriend, but would be be a good husband? I'm not so sure.

Also, some of the things he has said while we were arguing have really disturbed me. He can get really nasty in a fight. It's almost as if he was accusing me of being money-obsessed, or being after his money. And he commented on a question my mother asked the banquet manager during the food tasting on Friday. She basically asked the manager how the contract handles catostrophic events (i.e., someone dying or getting sick.) My fiance said the question made him feel 'uncomfortable' and that he thought it was a 'strange' thing to ask. I asked him what he was trying to say and he just side stepped giving me a straight answer each time. It was as if, he was accusing my mom of having less than pure motives, which is absolutely aburd. The things he said hurt me deeply, and I can't help but wonder if he really means them--if so, there's much more mistrust between us than I ever knew!

Re: May Call it All Off!

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Alot of people had said you take the good with the bad..and thats all I can say as well..I guess you have to wiegh out whats the most important to you..the qulaities he does have..they sound GREAT!! The motivation thing would bother me too..does he know how important that is when you have children.?..hes not a bum though, hes working..maybe hes just alaid back guy who doesnt want to be aggressive..maybes hes content..and that is GREAT..can you postpone the wedding..I know you just booked the hall,..but can you postpone the date that you booked it for? Maybe you yourself can do alittle counseling..I can say this because I am a student studying family therapy (grad student)..and I can honestly tell you that there are some CRAZY counselors who shouldnt be out there practicing...and you had said you and your fh have been to counsleing..perhaps your counselors were the wacky kind that I have experienced MANY times in my personal life and in my training..there are so many counselors that just SHOULD NOT be practicing..the point of my story is that maybe you could try someone new..and see how that goes..someone who is trained in family therapy or couples counseling..check out their credentials..you can FM me if you wnat details..Thats all the advice I have..Im sorry its not much!! I will keep you in my prayers and hope that you figure all of this out! What if he were not in your life..would you miss him so bad that the fact that he isnt aggressive in the job market still bother you so much!? LOTS OF HUGS TO YOU!!!!!

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My fiancee and I were in a similar situation. Except I was the one unmotivated. But I came around. You say he has no motivation for getting a teaching job, but if you think about it, right now it is kind of discouraging looking for a job on LI. I think he will come around. I came around when everything all of a sudden seemed sooo real. And I realized I wanted a house and children and I didn't want to totally struggle my whole life. I would talk to him. He really sounds like a great person but he needs to work through some things. He needs you to be their and support him in whatever he does. It doesn't matter how he got his recent job, At least he has one and that is a plus. Talk to him. Give him a chance. You both sound like you are truy in love. And remember, everyone struggles with money in the beginning. Good Luck!!

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Again,

I'd just like to thank everyone for all of your input. You are all so wonderful!

Re: May Call it All Off!