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Meet the Parents - a nightmare tale
Original post by carolinebr
SO my family travelled to Rhode Island this weekend to meet FH's parents. I was very nervous, obviously. I love my father but he can be VERY judgemental & he was CLEARLY coming to check these people out.
They met during the day yesterday, briefly. We had 8 pm dinner reservations. FH & I brought my family to the restaurant. As we walk in, the Maitre'D tells FH that his sister is there and he makes a face. (This is a place we go to often.)
FH has a 21 yr old sister who is a full blown, falling down drunken lush. As we sit at our table,she comes over. She is in the tightest, see thru little dress I have ever seen. She was there with a large party. My father raises an eyebrow & shoots me a look but I ignore it.
We proceed with our evening & over the next hour, she starts doing things like SHOUTING at us across the resturant & toasting us. Clearly, she was getting drunk. I go to the ladies room just before dinner arrives & I find her in there. She is sitting on the counter and can barely hold herself up & strangers are asking her 'Are you ok honey?' I was mortified. She sees me & perks up telling me how much she loves me, etc...
As I leave the ladies room, i tell her to walk. I cannot carry her, I am 7 1/2 months pregnant. She proceeds to FALL BACKWARDS onto a waiter & send a tray of food flying. The entire restaurant is now staring. I literally walked away & left her there. I walked back to the table& told FH to 'do something.' My father is freaking out. Now the Maitre'D brings her to OUR table, pulls up a chair & seats her with us. Her 'friends' don't want her anymore. She speaks utter nonsense & profanities thru our dinner, passing out at times. She is on her cell phone & starts SCREAMING at her date who left her & says 'come back here & pay my tab. You know we're POOR! We can't afford sh!T!'
FH's parents say NOTHING. FH is laughing, he thinks its funny that she's so drunk. I was near tears. She goes to the Ladies room & I tell FH to follow her. He didn't. She took a digger onto someones table,knocking over their drinks.
As we leave the restaurant, she is demanding to drive. Oh, did I mention she had MY CAR????? Her car is in the shop so FH gave her mine for the night. (He bought me a new car recently, so I have 2 cars until the lease is up on the old one) My father sees the valet pull my car around & FLIPS OUT on me saying 'the girl is clearly a drug addict. When she crashes and kills someone, you will lose everything, You will lose your home, You will be liable!' He is of course, right. FH' s mother says 'she's not driving, I am.' She drives my car home. The lush REFUSES to get in the car with her mother or father, so she comes in with ME, my dad & stepmother!!!! FH says 'meet you at home!' and walks away & Leaves me with her. We were 1/2hour away. She is screaming in the car, demanding to be brought to a bar. She refuses to give me directions back to the highway so we get lost. My father was ripping his hair out.
Needless to say, SOMEONE owes me an apology. My father called at 8 am this morning & said 'we've seen enough. We're headed home.' He didn't even want to go to breakfast.
I told FH this morning how mad I am. He says I'm over reacting. I saw his mother & she said 'getting angry solves nothing. What are you going to do? It's who she is.'
I told him that I am telling the BM & staff at our wedding to cut her off.
WHAT DO I DO???? I am devastated, horified & scared for my wedding.
ETA - to make matters worse, my CAT died yesterday. He was only 5.![]()
They met during the day yesterday, briefly. We had 8 pm dinner reservations. FH & I brought my family to the restaurant. As we walk in, the Maitre'D tells FH that his sister is there and he makes a face. (This is a place we go to often.)
FH has a 21 yr old sister who is a full blown, falling down drunken lush. As we sit at our table,she comes over. She is in the tightest, see thru little dress I have ever seen. She was there with a large party. My father raises an eyebrow & shoots me a look but I ignore it.
We proceed with our evening & over the next hour, she starts doing things like SHOUTING at us across the resturant & toasting us. Clearly, she was getting drunk. I go to the ladies room just before dinner arrives & I find her in there. She is sitting on the counter and can barely hold herself up & strangers are asking her 'Are you ok honey?' I was mortified. She sees me & perks up telling me how much she loves me, etc...
As I leave the ladies room, i tell her to walk. I cannot carry her, I am 7 1/2 months pregnant. She proceeds to FALL BACKWARDS onto a waiter & send a tray of food flying. The entire restaurant is now staring. I literally walked away & left her there. I walked back to the table& told FH to 'do something.' My father is freaking out. Now the Maitre'D brings her to OUR table, pulls up a chair & seats her with us. Her 'friends' don't want her anymore. She speaks utter nonsense & profanities thru our dinner, passing out at times. She is on her cell phone & starts SCREAMING at her date who left her & says 'come back here & pay my tab. You know we're POOR! We can't afford sh!T!'
FH's parents say NOTHING. FH is laughing, he thinks its funny that she's so drunk. I was near tears. She goes to the Ladies room & I tell FH to follow her. He didn't. She took a digger onto someones table,knocking over their drinks.
As we leave the restaurant, she is demanding to drive. Oh, did I mention she had MY CAR????? Her car is in the shop so FH gave her mine for the night. (He bought me a new car recently, so I have 2 cars until the lease is up on the old one) My father sees the valet pull my car around & FLIPS OUT on me saying 'the girl is clearly a drug addict. When she crashes and kills someone, you will lose everything, You will lose your home, You will be liable!' He is of course, right. FH' s mother says 'she's not driving, I am.' She drives my car home. The lush REFUSES to get in the car with her mother or father, so she comes in with ME, my dad & stepmother!!!! FH says 'meet you at home!' and walks away & Leaves me with her. We were 1/2hour away. She is screaming in the car, demanding to be brought to a bar. She refuses to give me directions back to the highway so we get lost. My father was ripping his hair out.
Needless to say, SOMEONE owes me an apology. My father called at 8 am this morning & said 'we've seen enough. We're headed home.' He didn't even want to go to breakfast.
I told FH this morning how mad I am. He says I'm over reacting. I saw his mother & she said 'getting angry solves nothing. What are you going to do? It's who she is.'
I told him that I am telling the BM & staff at our wedding to cut her off.
WHAT DO I DO???? I am devastated, horified & scared for my wedding.
ETA - to make matters worse, my CAT died yesterday. He was only 5.
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Re: Meet the Parents - a nightmare tale
OMG First of all, sorry about your cat![]()
Secondly, I am sooooooooo sorry for your lush of a FSIL. BTY I think his family is in total denail and you are right to cut her off at the wedding, I would! Good luck with this one!
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Re: Meet the Parents - a nightmare tale
my g-d, that sounds horrific. and i'm so sorry about your cat----to me, that's more upsetting. what was wrong with him/her?
as for your FSIL, you need to cut her off before she even starts. and if FH is not willing to bring it up with her, then you need to talk to her and tell her that this is your wedding day and you're not letting her ruin it. clearly, she's not mature enough to cut herself off, so you're doing it for her---BEFORE she even has the chance to start.
as for your FSIL, you need to cut her off before she even starts. and if FH is not willing to bring it up with her, then you need to talk to her and tell her that this is your wedding day and you're not letting her ruin it. clearly, she's not mature enough to cut herself off, so you're doing it for her---BEFORE she even has the chance to start.
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Re: Meet the Parents - a nightmare tale
My cat dying actually is more upsetting. I have been sobbing since yesterday. Here's the posts (merged):
My POOR CAT!!!!
Against every bone in my body, I got our 5 year old cat declawed. We are having a baby in March & my cat is a scratcher. He claws me & FH constantly. Basically, he's an attack cat.
So, he had surgery last Thursday & he's still lying around the house. I have to CARRY him to his food & water & litter box. He refuses to walk. He will lie there & cry until one of us comes to get him. Sometimes, I even bring him a bowl of water & put it under his chin to get him to drink.
I called the vet & I have to bring him back in tonight to make sure he doesn't have an infection. They said he should have been back to his old self already.... MY POOR LIL GUY!!!!
ETA:
we went to the vet last night & she basically sent me home with pain killers for him and said he was milking it a bit. She said to stop carrying him around. This morning, I knew he wasn't right. I stayed home from work today to be with him. He threw up 4x & was clearly very sick.
About 8 pm tonight, I found him hiding under the bed & he was limp & panting, I rushed him to the hospital. They had to do CPR! They inserted a feeding tube. They have him on IV antibiotics & fluids. He's in the ICU! They admitted him & warned me he may not make it thru the night. I am so upset. WHY didn't the vet last night catch this????
UPDATE:
Apparently he had an INFECTION from the surgery & he was septic. His organs shut down. They called me & told me to come say good bye. It was AWFUL. He died a few minutes later. Even the vet was crying. I am heartbroken.
My POOR CAT!!!!
Against every bone in my body, I got our 5 year old cat declawed. We are having a baby in March & my cat is a scratcher. He claws me & FH constantly. Basically, he's an attack cat.
So, he had surgery last Thursday & he's still lying around the house. I have to CARRY him to his food & water & litter box. He refuses to walk. He will lie there & cry until one of us comes to get him. Sometimes, I even bring him a bowl of water & put it under his chin to get him to drink.
I called the vet & I have to bring him back in tonight to make sure he doesn't have an infection. They said he should have been back to his old self already.... MY POOR LIL GUY!!!!
ETA:
we went to the vet last night & she basically sent me home with pain killers for him and said he was milking it a bit. She said to stop carrying him around. This morning, I knew he wasn't right. I stayed home from work today to be with him. He threw up 4x & was clearly very sick.
About 8 pm tonight, I found him hiding under the bed & he was limp & panting, I rushed him to the hospital. They had to do CPR! They inserted a feeding tube. They have him on IV antibiotics & fluids. He's in the ICU! They admitted him & warned me he may not make it thru the night. I am so upset. WHY didn't the vet last night catch this????
UPDATE:
Apparently he had an INFECTION from the surgery & he was septic. His organs shut down. They called me & told me to come say good bye. It was AWFUL. He died a few minutes later. Even the vet was crying. I am heartbroken.
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Re: Meet the Parents - a nightmare tale
Posted by carolinebr
My cat dying actually is more upsetting. I have been sobbing since yesterday. Here's the posts (merged):
My POOR CAT!!!!
Against every bone in my body, I got our 5 year old cat declawed. We are having a baby in March & my cat is a scratcher. He claws me & FH constantly. Basically, he's an attack cat.
So, he had surgery last Thursday & he's still lying around the house. I have to CARRY him to his food & water & litter box. He refuses to walk. He will lie there & cry until one of us comes to get him. Sometimes, I even bring him a bowl of water & put it under his chin to get him to drink.
I called the vet & I have to bring him back in tonight to make sure he doesn't have an infection. They said he should have been back to his old self already.... MY POOR LIL GUY!!!!
ETA:
we went to the vet last night & she basically sent me home with pain killers for him and said he was milking it a bit. She said to stop carrying him around. This morning, I knew he wasn't right. I stayed home from work today to be with him. He threw up 4x & was clearly very sick.
About 8 pm tonight, I found him hiding under the bed & he was limp & panting, I rushed him to the hospital. They had to do CPR! They inserted a feeding tube. They have him on IV antibiotics & fluids. He's in the ICU! They admitted him & warned me he may not make it thru the night. I am so upset. WHY didn't the vet last night catch this????
UPDATE:
Apparently he had an INFECTION from the surgery & he was septic. His organs shut down. They called me & told me to come say good bye. It was AWFUL. He died a few minutes later. Even the vet was crying. I am heartbroken.
OH MY G-D. I'm seriously crying reading your post. are you KIDDING????? your cat got an infection from declawing him??? that's horrible. i've had all my cats declawed and never had any problems. that is SO sad :(
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Re: Meet the Parents - a nightmare tale
YUUUUUUP. He got infected somehow & the infection spread to his blood. His blood pressure was so low that he couldn't get blood to all his organs so they started shutting down. They just couldn't save him.
His paws looked FINE. They don't know where the infection came from or how he caught it. They said he probably had the infection the first day he came home from the surgery b/c the infection was SO severe.
They said they can do an autopsy but I don't think I can put him thru it. He's been thru enough. Even if I find out how he got sick, it won't bring him back. Needless to say, the vet who did the declaw & said he was 'milking it' got an unpleasant phone call from me. I told her she murdered my cat.
His paws looked FINE. They don't know where the infection came from or how he caught it. They said he probably had the infection the first day he came home from the surgery b/c the infection was SO severe.
They said they can do an autopsy but I don't think I can put him thru it. He's been thru enough. Even if I find out how he got sick, it won't bring him back. Needless to say, the vet who did the declaw & said he was 'milking it' got an unpleasant phone call from me. I told her she murdered my cat.
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Re: Meet the Parents - a nightmare tale
Posted by carolinebr
YUUUUUUP. He got infected somehow & the infection spread to his blood. His blood pressure was so low that he couldn't get blood to all his organs so they started shutting down. They just couldn't save him.
His paws looked FINE. They don't know where the infection came from or how he caught it. They said they can do an autopsy but I don't think I can put him thru it. He's been thru enough. Even if I find out how he got sick, it won't bring him back. Needless to say, the vet who did the declaw & said he was 'milking it' got an unpleasant phone call from me. I told her she murdered my cat.
[/QUOTE
i'm sure it's very difficult to be a vet because after all, you're treating something that can't TELL you what it's feeling. but if someone's cat just had surgery and is acting totally out of character, how could a vet just ignore that???
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Re: Meet the Parents - a nightmare tale
awwww..how awful. I am sorry to hear that it went so poorly. You've got your hands full with the FILs...As long as you and your FH can always be on the same side, you will be ok. Hopefully they do not live close to you!!
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Re: Meet the Parents - a nightmare tale
Actually, I will be living in the SAME TOWN as my in-laws. We currently live in Boston & we're moving to Rhode Island (45 minutes away). So I see them every weekend as it is.
I spoke to my father last night & he gave me 21 Questions about FSIL. He didn't like the way FMIL & FFIL ignored her drunkeness. He also told me he doesn't want her anywhere near our baby and that she is not allowed to babysit, etc... Basically, there is a huge fallout that I now have to deal with.
I fought with FH last night & told him that HE is to take care of this & make sure she won't be like that at our wedding. He said he'll deal with it but we'll see. If she wants to ruin her life, that's fine but she's is not going to f*ck up my wedding.
I spoke to my father last night & he gave me 21 Questions about FSIL. He didn't like the way FMIL & FFIL ignored her drunkeness. He also told me he doesn't want her anywhere near our baby and that she is not allowed to babysit, etc... Basically, there is a huge fallout that I now have to deal with.
I fought with FH last night & told him that HE is to take care of this & make sure she won't be like that at our wedding. He said he'll deal with it but we'll see. If she wants to ruin her life, that's fine but she's is not going to f*ck up my wedding.
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Re: Meet the Parents - a nightmare tale
Posted by carolinebr
He didn't like the way FMIL & FFIL ignored her drunkeness. He also told me he doesn't want her anywhere near our baby and that she is not allowed to babysit, etc... Basically, there is a huge fallout that I now have to deal with.
I fought with FH last night & told him that HE is to take care of this & make sure she won't be like that at our wedding. He said he'll deal with it but we'll see. If she wants to ruin her life, that's fine but she's is not going to f*ck up my wedding.
This may be hard to hear, but in many ways, your father is right. Your baby shouldn't be around that sort of dysfunction and she shouldn't ever be allowed to babysity until she PROVES (looooong-term) that she is in treatment and that it is working for her... I know you realize that already, so forgive me if I am stating the obvious...
You're right to have your FH say something... but this isn't just about controlling her behavior for just one night. This is about you long-term relationship with her. Do you really want her around your child as she is? If not, things have to change. Either she needs to get back into treatment or you need to seriously distance yourself and your family (You, FH, and your child) from her.
I'm so sorry you're going through this, and I know alcoholism is very hard to deal with. If you and your FH don't see eye to eye on this, then I strongly advise that the two of you meet with a counselor. I know that's tough to hear, but it will at least allow you two to figure out how to deal with this as a united front -- and to figure out your differences in how to deal with her.
I'm also sooooooooooooo sorry about your kitty.
If you ever want to chat or vent or whatever, feel free to FM me.
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Re: Meet the Parents - a nightmare tale
When it comes to his little sister, FH has a soft spot. He is ALWAYS cleaning up her mess. He's from a small town, so whenever she gets out of control, we get a phone call. There have been at least 5 instances where we have gotten phone calls in the middle of the night from bartenders telling us she is either passed out or that she walked out on her tab. He always defends her.
The problem is, I have a sister who has been in & out of rehab & has/had a huge drug problem. So FH thinks I have no right to criticize. When I told him that my father voiced concerns, he got very defensive & said 'he's got a daughter just like that so tell him to get off his high horse.' FH had told me months ago that MY sister was never allowed to babysit.
Its just such an ugly situation. There's no WAY FH will go to counseling over this. Never going to happen. I am just going to have to stick to my guns on this one.
The problem is, I have a sister who has been in & out of rehab & has/had a huge drug problem. So FH thinks I have no right to criticize. When I told him that my father voiced concerns, he got very defensive & said 'he's got a daughter just like that so tell him to get off his high horse.' FH had told me months ago that MY sister was never allowed to babysit.
Its just such an ugly situation. There's no WAY FH will go to counseling over this. Never going to happen. I am just going to have to stick to my guns on this one.
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Re: Meet the Parents - a nightmare tale
I am soooo sorry for the loss of your cat! I am crying at my desk reading about what happened. ![]()
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That is just so horrible. My 2 cats are declawed in the front - I am so sad for you and your poor kitty. ![]()
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And good luck with your FSIL - wish I had some advice for you.![]()
And good luck with your FSIL - wish I had some advice for you.
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Re: Meet the Parents - a nightmare tale
Posted by carolinebr
When it comes to his little sister, FH has a soft spot. He is ALWAYS cleaning up her mess. He's from a small town, so whenever she gets out of control, we get a phone call. There have been at least 5 instances where we have gotten phone calls in the middle of the night from bartenders telling us she is either passed out or that she walked out on her tab. He always defends her.
The problem is, I have a sister who has been in & out of rehab & has/had a huge drug problem. So FH thinks I have no right to criticize. When I told him that my father voiced concerns, he got very defensive & said 'he's got a daughter just like that so tell him to get off his high horse.' FH had told me months ago that MY sister was never allowed to babysit.
Its just such an ugly situation. There's no WAY FH will go to counseling over this. Never going to happen. I am just going to have to stick to my guns on this one.
I agree it's a very ugly situation, but ignoring it isn't going to make it any better -- and it's an obvious point of contention between you and your FH. If he has a 'soft spot' for his sister and cleaning up her messes, he is SERIOUSLY codependent and is enabling her.
I'd really push for him to attend counseling with you. Alcoholism is not a disease of 1... I know I sound like a broken record, but having her not drink at your wedding won't solve too much. The problem (and your and FH's arguments over how to handle it) will resurface everytime your families have to get together - or everytime she wants to see your child, etc.
I would insist on counseling at least as a way for you two to voice your concerns.
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Re: Meet the Parents - a nightmare tale
Caroline - I'm so sorry about your cat. It's hard enough to lose a pet, and to lose one unnecessarily like that is even harder. I'm so sad that you've had to go through that, especially as you were doing what is best for your baby.
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Re: Meet the Parents - a nightmare tale
BTW Caroline, your ultrasound pics are absolutely amazing!! ![]()
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Re: Meet the Parents - a nightmare tale
As a follow up to my original post...
I just want everyone to know that FH wasn't laughing hysterically at the situation that night. I can see how my post may have given that impression. He did in fact yell at FSIL & try to get her in the car with his mom, etc. He laughed at the table out of utter despair. That kind of 'oh my God I can't believe this is happening' kind of laughing. Not a 'ha ha' laugh.
Also, I knew she was driving my car. I had ok'd it a week before. FH didn't just give it to her without telling me.
I just needed to get that off my chest. I fear many of you think that he doesn't take this seriously and that he was disrespectful to me. That wasn't exactly the case. FSIL was blatantly disrespectful, that is certain, but FH did the best he could to manage a very difficult situation.
Thanks
Have a great day!
I just want everyone to know that FH wasn't laughing hysterically at the situation that night. I can see how my post may have given that impression. He did in fact yell at FSIL & try to get her in the car with his mom, etc. He laughed at the table out of utter despair. That kind of 'oh my God I can't believe this is happening' kind of laughing. Not a 'ha ha' laugh.
Also, I knew she was driving my car. I had ok'd it a week before. FH didn't just give it to her without telling me.
I just needed to get that off my chest. I fear many of you think that he doesn't take this seriously and that he was disrespectful to me. That wasn't exactly the case. FSIL was blatantly disrespectful, that is certain, but FH did the best he could to manage a very difficult situation.
Thanks
Have a great day!
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Re: Meet the Parents - a nightmare tale
WOW, as I was reading this I just kept thinking you were going to say 'just kidding' at the end. I just can't even believe that someone could get that bad! Trust me I have seen people drunk before (probably even been there once or twice myself), but NEVER that bad! I am so sorry that you had such a bad night!!!!! ![]()
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Re: Meet the Parents - a nightmare tale
I can not believe that was a real story.. sounds like out of a movie!! Jeezus! I wouldve died also!!!! Myy family wouldve reacted teh same... Im so sorry for your FSIL, she obviously has major problems. Good luck with everything. And i definatly would have the bartenders cut her off at teh wedding... ![]()
and im sorry about your cat![]()
and im sorry about your cat
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Re: Meet the Parents - a nightmare tale
OMG! I can't believe that really happened!!! Seriously that's one of the saddest stories I've heard in a really long time. I am so sorry!!!!
That's terrible that your FSIL is such a mess. I would definately put out an APB on her for the wedding if shes still invited. Good luck.![]()
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That's terrible that your FSIL is such a mess. I would definately put out an APB on her for the wedding if shes still invited. Good luck.
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Re: Meet the Parents - a nightmare tale
Let me start by saying, I am soooooo sorry about your cat. That is one of the sadest stories I have ever heard. All my cats (4 total) over the years have been declawed and turned out fine. Thank God. I am truly sorry. I feel worse about this than I feel for your FSIL's problem. I don't feel for your FSIL b/c she is only causing her own problems and I have no sadness for people who instigate their own issues.
I dated an alcoholic/drug addict for many years before I got together with FH. I can tell you first hand that alcoholic's/drug addicts only help themselves if they want too. No matter how much you can ask her to stop, she won't, unless she wants too. If I were you, I would keep your child as far away from her as possible until she wants to get herself help. As far as what Kara has been saying, yes, it is a family issue and they are enablers. I attended an alanon meeting for my ex and as I was sitting there, I just kept telling myself, what am I doing here? This is not my problem, it is his. If I were you, I would ask her to step down from being a bridesmaid and tell her that if she does not seek help or want to seek help, she is uninvited from your wedding. Explain to her your reasoning for this, how concerned you are about her making a fool of herself and ruining your wedding. In my opinion, she is too much of a risk right now.
In all honesty, i agree with your parents and I don't blame them for feeling the way they do. When I was dating my ex, we would speak of marriage and my parents actually wrote me out of their will b/c knew how bad he was for me. I know she will be your FSIL and although yes, you are marrying FH, you are also marrying his family.
Good luck in whatever it is that you decide and I am truly sorry about your cat. That is very sad and it hurts me to hear of things like that.
I dated an alcoholic/drug addict for many years before I got together with FH. I can tell you first hand that alcoholic's/drug addicts only help themselves if they want too. No matter how much you can ask her to stop, she won't, unless she wants too. If I were you, I would keep your child as far away from her as possible until she wants to get herself help. As far as what Kara has been saying, yes, it is a family issue and they are enablers. I attended an alanon meeting for my ex and as I was sitting there, I just kept telling myself, what am I doing here? This is not my problem, it is his. If I were you, I would ask her to step down from being a bridesmaid and tell her that if she does not seek help or want to seek help, she is uninvited from your wedding. Explain to her your reasoning for this, how concerned you are about her making a fool of herself and ruining your wedding. In my opinion, she is too much of a risk right now.
In all honesty, i agree with your parents and I don't blame them for feeling the way they do. When I was dating my ex, we would speak of marriage and my parents actually wrote me out of their will b/c knew how bad he was for me. I know she will be your FSIL and although yes, you are marrying FH, you are also marrying his family.
Good luck in whatever it is that you decide and I am truly sorry about your cat. That is very sad and it hurts me to hear of things like that.
