MIL issues - how to handle?

Ok, I know I'm not the first girl to have a problem with my future MIL but it is totally driving me crazy! She just doesn't think before she speaks, ie When FH & I got engaged she could not have been any less thrilled telling us to elope if we wanted?? She actually told me at a (crowded) BBQ to keep eating, they would just roll me down the aisle! She always says these things with a smile so as not to offend but c’mon! I actually don't think she doesn't like me, I think this would be anybody marrying her first born. That being said I never got that whole welcome to the family feel which kind of sucked...
Anyway time has passed and we are coming up on the wedding and she just trying to take control of things without ever once asking me which seems ironic for a wedding she didn’t think was necessary! Whenever I'm with her she never brings up the wedding but when I'm not around she complains to FH about one thing or another. She didn't like the 100 limit per family that we requested since the room we loved holds 200. She then went there to look at other space without telling or asking us. She didn’t think we should hire a band, she thinks favors are stupid…Now she doesn't like that the church only has late rehearsals for a Friday night as she feels we will be eating too late. She called the church and tried to change it. Does she not think we wouldn't have made it earlier if possible?? Now she has announced that they will have the rehearsal dinner on Thursday night so they can eat earlier?? I have a bridemaid from out of town that I don't feel should have to come in a day early just so they can eat earlier! Besides I think the rehearsal & the dinner should be the same night!? I seriously feel like this wedding is a inconvenience to her which is stressing me and in turn stessing FH. It's sad cause this is not fun and I just can't wait til we are on our honeymoon & pleasing everybody else is no longer our concern! FH and her already have a strained relationship and this is definitely not helping so while she’s seriously pissing me off at times I don’t want a blowout.
Anyway, my main issue is I feel bad that FH is stuck in the middle because she never brings anything up to me or when we are all together. I feel like if I bring it up out of the blue I'll feel like I'm starting an arguement which I dont want either & I’m afraid at this point I might explode on her which would be very very bad! :)
I know this is long and I’m sorry, I just needed to vent so if you think I’m being totally ridiculous please don’t tell me :) I just needed to get this off of my chest and take some deep breaths!
Thanks girls!

This is never an easy issue. I understand how you feel. I have at least 1 run in a day with my FMIL. I try to avoid her as best that I can (just to keep the stress level down). Maybe telling her how you feel will help? But I am not sure. I have spoken to mine and it does not make any difference. I remind myself every day that my MIL is nuts and not to let her get to me. Maybe having FH speak to her will help? I hope it works out for you.

If I were you, I would tell her nicely, but straight out that although you appreciate her enthusiasm that you and your FI have thought out your planning very carefully and your decisions are final. If she has any ideas, she will have to run them past you first as you will not tolerate any further direct interference. Period.

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Posted by cnj

and I just can't wait til we are on our honeymoon & pleasing everybody else is no longer our concern!

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Right there in a nutshell is the problem. STOP trying to please anyone other than you and your FH. The two of you are the only people whose opinions count, or matter. Tell her to knock it off. If she is paying for the RD you are kind of stuck, but with everything else, it's YOUR day!!!!

When you figure out how to handle her let me know!!! Anyway, FH really needs to say something to her... and in my opinion if he doesnt then you do! Bring up something infront of him... it is not starting an agrument, just dangle the hook out there for her to respond with something about the wedding or just say infront of FH and FMIL say something like 'so FMIL, FH tells me.... ' and see where she takes it!... but he should be there! I feel it is his responsibility not to leave you in such a bad position with his mom and he needs to open his mouth. Cause if you do it alone she will think she still has FH 'on her side' and will only try to get away with more 'stuff' she wont realize that hurting you is hurting him till he makes that known to her.

Next time she wants to make a comment like rolling anyone down the isle, just ask her flat out infront of whoever is there, 'what is that supposed to mean' call her out on it infront of others. and i know it is not easy cause you are probably pretty taken back my the comments!!! I know how that goes!

Good luck!

Thanks for letting me vent girls! I just wanted to clear up FH's place in this. .. He has been great and fighting it out where it needs to be but I'm never there for it and get it all second hand from him (so I have no input). I just feel bad that he's in the middle and I've told him to tell her that she needs to discuss certain things with me but she just plain doesn't.
Also, when they have argued she gets overy upset and defensive and starts to cry & I'm in no rush to get involved with that! fyi, his dad is great but wants no part of this stuff!
Sad to say but she is the one thing at this point that causes any issues between FH & I. Can't wait to see how she handles grandkids :)
This sounds mean but he thinks maybe she is going through 'the change of life' which would explain her crazy swings but is not making me feel any better!

Ok don't kill me here... Deep Breath

You need to put your foot down and let the fight (if there's one.. ) take place. It's one thing if she complains, but quite another to have her calling around and attempting to change things. I don't care who she is or who she thinks she is, this is your wedding and your allowed to rehearse at midnight if you're so inclined.

By not saying anything you're allowing her behavior to continue and it sounds like it's getting to you already. I would attempt to have a rational conversation, but even if it doesn't go smoothly, you need to let her know that while you appeciate her interest in your wedding, You and your FH make the decisions- END OF STORY.

If your FH isn't stopping this, you need to.. I hate to say it, but you need to establish the boundaries now... otherwise when you have kids, a home or whatever... she'll think she can do what she pleases...

Don't change the RD for her.. it's not convenient for you but more importantly.. IT'S NOT WHAT YOU WANT... This is the one thing in your lifetime that's about you and you have every right to 'have it your way'.

But I strongly suggest talking to her about all of it now, before it takes a huge toll.

I feel for you, it's never easy to have those issues. This is how I would handle it. I would talk to her when your FH is not around and just like you vented to us here you need to tell her. You need to tell her her sarcastic comments hurt your feelings, you need to tell her its YOUR wedding and she needs to BACK OFF. I would not give a sh** about her feelings b/c she sure as hell isn't having any consideration for you. She is acting like a bit*** and you should not be having it!
I know I sound harsh but that's the relaity of it. You NEED to make your feelings HEARD! I would def. talk to her and make her know who the bride is!
Good luck!!!! Don't be afraid to step up to her
XOXOXO
Kitty

You need to put your foot down and let the fight (if there's one.. ) take place. It's one thing if she complains, but quite another to have her calling around and attempting to change things. I don't care who she is or who she thinks she is, this is your wedding and your allowed to rehearse at midnight if you're so inclined.

By not saying anything you're allowing her behavior to continue and it sounds like it's getting to you already. I would attempt to have a rational conversation, but even if it doesn't go smoothly, you need to let her know that while you appeciate her interest in your wedding, You and your FH make the decisions- END OF STORY.

Don't change the RD for her.. it's not convenient for you but more importantly.. IT'S NOT WHAT YOU WANT... This is the one thing in your lifetime that's about you and you have every right to 'have it your way'.

I agree with everything she said.
You sound like you are too nice. What I would do (which I will warn you is not necessarily the right thing to do) is try to talk to her and explain what you want. If she doesn't hear you, I would tell her that she's making me hate my wedding and 'you are ruining this for me'...when you say that to people they feel bad so they shut up. It works. Like I just said, not necessarily the right thing to do, quite dramatic, but it gets the point across. You have to save it for a drastic situation which is the point I think your at. I've used it on FH, my mother and father, all with success.

You are funny, I'll have to give it a go. Sad thing is I think she's looking for control b/c they never had a real wedding. It was kind of a shotgun situation so maybe she's making up for not getting her way with her own?
It's been 3 years and I have yet to say peep to her about anything that would be uncomfortable but between you guys and my FH apparently I need to step up! I'll just have to wait til it's just us as I'd rather not make this a family ordeal. I guess better to be a bit alkward now then have a few too many drinks at the reception and getting it all off my chest then!

I totally understand how you feel.. I think you should def tell your fh what is on your mind.
& If you can just try to ignore her..My FMIL does not
get involved at all .. she never even wanted to hear the menu.. You see were Italians so if she gets involved in anyway that would mean she will have to pay for something. But I just dont want to leave her out but at this point I dont care .. I will marry her son because I love him more than anything in the world and if she can't accept it than she will lose out.
Try not to stress .. please think of the big picture..

We all know how you are feeling..

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Posted by klslk

If I were you, I would tell her nicely, but straight out that although you appreciate her enthusiasm that you and your FI have thought out your planning very carefully and your decisions are final. If she has any ideas, she will have to run them past you first as you will not tolerate any further direct interference. Period.

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Well said!

I think if you approach her directly she will be too embarassed to bring her nonsense up to your FH. And hopefully she will just keep her big mouth shut!