MOH Help!

I have a question for you ladies and need your honest opinion. I recently got engaged and have set a date for next January 2014. My fiance and I booked the venue, I already have my dress and now I am looking for bridesmaid dresses. During this whole time my 'Best friend' has not been present whatsoever. Now keep in mind in September, her husband of 13 years told her he can't do this anymore and they have separated. They have known eachother forever and I can only imagine what she is going through. I was there for her emotionally and even helped her move out. Her and her son have been going to therapy and when last I saw her it seemed to be helping her. Now the whole time while I have been engaged which is going on three months I have not seen her. After our engagement I posted on Facebook and received tons of congratulatory posts, texts and calls yet she was the only one to say i can't believe you did not call to tell me. Truthfully ladies, I was only thinking of my father at the time and was on cloud 9 for several weeks. I am constantly reaching out to her, checking in on her, asking how she is holding up and its very one sided. Her replies are as uplifting and positive ans they can be based on the circumstance and I get it. However her replies are brief and never really asks how I am doing. It's always about her. Not ever does she ask me how I am doing, how's the wedding, nothing. Have not even seen her since my engagement which was on New Year's day. She finally reaches out to me, saying hi and she met someone and she is happy. Really???? I congratulate her (although she knows how I feel about her putting herself oout there and still being married but then again that is her life) She then proceeds to ask who is in the wedding party and how she would love to be there. Be there?? Although she has been absent throughout my relationship with my boyfriend and now my fiance, I still asked if she would be able to give me 100% committment of being my MOH. She said she would be honored and will try her best. She asked who else was in the bridal party and I told her one other person as it will just be the two of them but to me TRY is not sitting well with me. Ladies to me try is not 100%. I am taking into account of all that she is going through and have been there for her, however why is it ok for her to be absent in my relationship. We were suppose to touch base over the weekend and she said she would reach out to me, never heard from her. She then texts me if she can give me a call in a few and when I looked at my phone and replied she then replied she can't because she was in the middle of doing something and still have not heard from her. Planning a wedding is suppose to be fun and I feel like I am allowing her to take away my moment. What is your take on it and would you still have her as your MOH? Keep in my mind another friend of mine is aware of this situation and she said should she not be able to handle the responsibility and commit she will be happy to step in which is so sweet and kind but why should it even have to come to that?

MOH Help!

In my opinion if she is not committed to the role 100% it may only put more pressure on you. I understand she's having personal issues and that does stink but you want someone who can make it easier for you not harder for you. If you can maybe sit down and discuss it with her. Ask her if it would be easier if she wasnt your moh. In the long run it will be easier on you if you dont have the stress of an absentee moh.

MOH Help!

I agree with ladygoodman. 'Try her best' is a cop-out to me, like if things go wrong, it's not really her fault because she didn't fully commit in the beginning. People go through rough times and we have to be sensitive to that, but that doesn't give them the right to act as they wish toward other people. Maybe include her in another aspect of the wedding so it takes the stress off of you but also allows her to feel included?

MOH Help!

I also agree with ladygoodman and Lori. That definitely is not the answer I would want. Maybe have her as a BM so if she has to drop out she can? It seems she's already being a little lax. I'd reconsider having her as your MOH.

Re: MOH Help!

I am so sorry you are going through such a difficult situation, but I agree that she has to be willing to commit to you and your wedding. Maybe it would be helpful to explain to her what your expectations of a MOH are and list the responsibilities that she will have to commit to and find out if she will be able to do this. It is probably better to find this out now and not six months later because it isn’t fair for you to have an added pressure or continue to be let down by your MOH.

MOH Help!

I don't think MOH has to be your #1 top friend I think it's more of a dutiful roll that you get to basically commit to helping with a wedding! I have two best friends and the one who has more time an is more excited is my MOH because if she's into it then cool. I would tell your friend you are going to make your other friend your MOH because you know she's going through a hard time and she should concentrate on herself. a little reverse psychology. you don't want her bailing last minute because she is having a 'down' moment

MOH Help!

Maybe the whole process of planning a wedding is too much for her to deal with because it will bring her back to when she was planning hers and since she is going through a divorce it is probably painful for her to think about. I think that if this is the case that she should just be honest about not being able to take on the responsibility so that it allows you the opportunity to choose someone who will. Hope your situation works itself out.

Re: MOH Help!

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Posted by Delgie

Maybe the whole process of planning a wedding is too much for her to deal with because it will bring her back to when she was planning hers and since she is going through a divorce it is probably painful for her to think about. I think that if this is the case that she should just be honest about not being able to take on the responsibility so that it allows you the opportunity to choose someone who will. Hope your situation works itself out.

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That's the other side of it. She might genuinely want to be your MOH but it's going to be painful for her. But she might have wanted the responsibility so it didn't seem like she's unable to move on. Like what MsErikaLynn said, present it so she thinks you're more concerned about her well-being. You don't have to totally dismiss the fact that you DO need a MOH who's focused and attentive, but if you can get her to realize that she DOES need to focus on herself for now, she might be more understanding.

MOH Help!

A friend of 2 of my good friends is going through a similar thing right now. She had only been married a little over a year when her husband told her he wanted a divorce. She is signing divorce papers next week actually. The 3 of them were all in the wedding party of another girl, and while they were best friends since they were like 12, the bride sat her down and explained to her that although she would be thrilled to have her as her MOH, the bride doesn't think it's fair to have to make the girl help out with all the wedding stuff when she is still in a very fragile place. She invited her to be a bridesmaid, and the girl accepted, and recently told me that she was glad she hadn't been asked to be MOH, because she probably would've felt very bitterly toward the couple, while as a bridesmaid, she got to be part of it without being overly involved.

It's really up to you, and I think there's nothing wrong with asking her how she feels about it. If she continues to show a lack of interest, you don't have to have her as your MOH. I decided not to choose one friend over another and all my girls are bridesmaids, equally.

I hope it all works out!!

MOH Help!

Thanks for your feedback. The thing is I am only have two people. The girl I work with that has been amazing through my whole relationship as well as me being engaged. My 'best friend' has been absent. Other friends I am inviting to the wedding have been more hands on and have shared so many wonderful ideas and its just like I don't get it. I understand this situation may be hard for her to handle and I get that, but this is my wonderful experience and it seems I am more of sings on why she is absent. I'm at the point to tell her with your situation please come to my wedding but I can not have someone nt be able to give me a commitment 100% , time wise, emotionally and finically. It is a big responsibility and I don't want to put that pressure on her nor do I want to be worried and concerned if she will step up to the plate. Thanks again for your feedback and I will wait and see what happens. Congratulations to you and enjoy every moment of a once in a lifetime experience :)

Re: MOH Help!

When she said I will try my best that so did not sit well with me. I sympathize with what she is going through and understand it may be hard for her and I get it. It just hurts because I have always been there for her when I was going through my hard times but everyone handles situations differently. Thank you so much for your insight :)

MOH Help!

I am going through a similar situation. My best friend of almost 10 years is NOT my MOH. My friend Nicole who I've lived with for a few years and feel closer to is going to be my MOH.

My best friend Joanna will be in the wedding party but just as a bridesmaid.

It hurts but honestly... I know its for the best. Joanna has only met FH TWICE (once when we all went to the movies and once when we randomly bumped into her at wal-mart) and she hasn't made an effort. Granted we are two different stages of life... her having 2 kids and a husband... and me just starting out... but thats never caused an issue for us before.
She just hasn't made the effort to get to know my future husband. I've offered plenty of times 'Well why dont Tom and I come over we'll bring some pizzas... and we can all hang out'... and she never accepts the offer. There are only so many times I can try before I just can't hit my head on that wall again.

Both of us have changed within the past year and a half and our relationship has changed because of that as well. We've accepted it in a way and are TRYING... but as of right now... this is where we stand.

I think at this point the big issue is that she was used to not having to share me. She was used to me being there at the drop of a hat (which I was for her... I was always available for her) and now.. she has to 'share' me with FH. I could be wrong... but thats my assumption.

I'm sorry youre going through this and I totally understand where you're at. If she wants to be there for you and everything... have her be a bridesmaid that way if she needs to step-down... its not SUCH a big role.

MOH Help!

Sounds like a lot of stress for just the beginning!
Maybe keep her as just a BM? To also keep the stress off of her as well being the situation she's in

Re: MOH Help!

I know what you're going through.

I chose my MOH because she is my FSIL and we were getting really close around the time FH & I got engaged. I also chose her because traditionally, in my family, MOH & best man are the godparents of your first born. Since I don't have a sister, FSIL is the godmother of the first child and my brother is my 'Man of Honor' (the role of the best man is taken by FH's dad) because he will be the godfather and, of course, because he is my brother and we are super close.

My MOH has a lot of personal stuff going on in her life. She is a single mom and has her own **** (as we all do) but right now seems particularly hard for her.

Part of me regrets my choice. She seems annoyed every time I want to talk about wedding stuff (and I swear I don't badger her with it. I only bring stuff up once in a while). She has been acting very rude and unpleasant towards me and I feel stuck. For example, I had an idea to go to ComiCon for my bachelorette party (when I originally thought I was having a November wedding). She pretty much rolled her eyes and said it was stupid. Really? I mean, it's okay if it's not your thing but you don't have to make it so obvious. It is MY bachelorette party... I mean, just go with it and have a good time!

I decided to make my cousin my Matron of Honor... so now it's kind of crazy because I have a Maid of Honor, Matron of Honor and Man of honor... and FH has a Best Man. She got pretty pissed when she found out there was another MOH but I am super close to my cousin and I only felt it was right.

I was talking to FH about it yesterday and started crying. I feel like it's taking away from my experience. I want to have this experience WITH HER but it seems as though she isn't on board and is doing her own thing. Instead of having a lot of drama over it, I just talk to and include the BMs that really WANT to be there for me. In the end, I am honoring her... she is my new sister. If she chooses to act this way, what can I do? I gotta enjoy this year... it will only happen once. I have to just try to be understanding that she has her own stuff going on and keep it moving with the positives!

MOH Help!

Sorry that was so long lol

Re: MOH Help!

Wow. You hit it on the head. She was always use to me being there for her and now that I am not so readily available things are different. Even when I was moving in with my boyfriend now my fiance - she was just so distant and did not take a part in anything. It was a huge step for me and she was so whatever about the whole situation. I took my bf (now my fiance) out for his birthday and invited a couple of his friends along with my best friend and her husband and she did not say anything. No comment whatsoever about him which I found strange because she always has something to say about everything. Then he surprised me for my birthday for dinner with just us four and that time her and her husband were going through a bad time and it was very awkward. Again I sympathize with all that she is going through and I have always been there for her even when I was going through a bad time but I am starting to see a different side of her. Actually a side that always exisited but I refused to see. Thank you so very much for your insight. It's ashame I have to be going through this during a very special and once in alifetime experience however it is comforting that others are or have gone through the same thing and its not just me Whew!!! =) Congratualtions to you and have fun planning.

Re: MOH Help!

Also this is a once in a lifetime experience and you should enjoy every moment of it. I have been engaged for almost two months and now planning for a wedding and can not allow someone to take that away from me. Big hug!!!! Ssssqqqqquuueeeeeezzzzeeeee Enjoy and congratulations ; )